Religion

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Finance)

Hallowed are The Ori

The following article has been deemed blasphemous by The Ori. You can serve The Ori on their crusade to spread the way of Origin across the Galaxy by dousing the unbelievers in hot oil and setting them alight. Only then will the living be purged and ready to tread the path to eternal Enlightenment.

“It makes you happy but it makes you want to fight; it makes you think you’re the only one that’s right; it makes you think you’re the best there is; for no good reason at all”

~ Geoffrey Chaucer on Alcoholic beverages and religion

The church of the flying spaghetti monster.... a religion with balls

Religion is a widespread mental illness, of which the defining feature is delusional belief in a powerful invisible being who is always watching you and will punish you if you don't follow their will (the paranoid delusions found in schizophrenia are often similar). The illness comes in various strains, of which the most severe is Islam, symptoms of which include virulent antisemitism and homophobia. People not afflicted by religion are called atheists, and they can be identified by their ability and willingness to use rational thought.

Religion is the most common infection in the world, with over 90% of the populace infected with one or another strain. Religion is usually brought on by infection by the group VI Fatal Anginal-Infective Transcribing Hepatitis virus more often known by the acronym FAITH. Symptoms involve believing something that is not only unproven but also outrageously illogical simply because someone (or occasionally a book), somewhere, says it's true. In this respect, faith can be considered the chronic form of the lesser mental disorder gullibility. For synonyms, see How To Make a Million Dollars. The official catch phrase of religion is "Give us your money, and you will have a good afterlife!", known to critics as the "Pie In The Sky" allegory.

Other symptoms involve Grublets on Ice, donation of money to higher powers (also known as televangelists), participation in holy wars, a feeling of superiority, kindness, paraphillic arousal towards guilt, lack of sense of humor, sticks protruding from the anus, and spontaneous combustion.

Even more symptoms include extreme levels of hallucination, sensitivity towards West African Aardvarks, as well as chronic depression for not pleasing a fictional Lord who apparently controls all life. As a result of this, diarrhea may also be another symptom, as may Hemorrhoids (piles).

It is commonly believed that religion is also able to manipulate one's personality/point of view in such a way that the infected individual believes, and often inflicts upon others, the idea that masturbation is evil, and that homosexuals are pure, undiluted evil and deserve no rights (see Christian logic). People infected with religion seem to have an addiction to being pedophiles who are members of the priesthood.

1 Treatment and Containment
2 Religious Apologetics
3 Christianity and Science
4 The ReliRelic Community
5 Religious Groups
6 See also
7 External links

[edit] Treatment and Containment

The Bible on DVD; created for illiterate people in the Deep South. (Region 1 discs available)

Due to the simple construction and short life cycle of viruses, when a selective pressure is applied to them ~~Evolution~~ the intelligent designer quickly rewrites the viral genome so it is resistant to the anti-viral drug. A well documented example of this is when the drug company The Supreme Court of the United States created an antiviral drug in 1987 which banned teaching the Book of Genesis as Grublets on Ice. This selective pressure led to a new resistant strain of the faith virus called intelligent design. A recent development by the drug company Dover Area School District has overcome this strain in 2006. It is only a matter of time before a new resistant strain emerges. The leading researcher in the field of overcoming the virus of faith is Prof. Richard Dawkins from the University of Snobs (also known as the University of Oxford); he created a mild anti-religious anti-viral program. A more effective software package was developed by Christopher flip off the smartarse Hitchens.

Example of anti-religious viral software. Compatible with human brain version 6.0.

Unitarian Universalism is sometimes suggested as a cure, but some would argue that it is simply a weakened version of the same virus that inoculates against the more extreme strains, resulting in less troubling symptoms, such as Agnosticism.

Normal Religious affliction can often be treated with simple exposure to pornography, fast application of spirited liquors, meeting a scientist or visiting a psychologist. In fact, Because of the magical, healing properties associated with Beer, a cult very similar to a religion has emerged to celebrate and promote this wonderful drink. However, as alcohol is perfectly wonderful, and as drunkenness a doctor-recommended state of existence for all humans, worshipers of beer are tolerated, and in some cases supported by the state. Because beer is such a remarkable cure for Religion, people infected with religion instinctively seek to destroy its consumption at all turns. As such, another useful test for determining how severely affected someone is by Religion, is their willingness to ingest this remarkable substance.

The only harm related to consumption of beer has generally come from those seeking to destroy it. (See also Beer in religion)

For those in need of serious help, there is a more powerful version out there.

Those suffering from Fundamentium-induced Religion are nearly untreatable however, and may soon lapse into complete intractable boorishness. Some Fundamentalists may be cured by extreme exposure to both science and logic but most Fundamentalists stubbornly resist treatment. Because of the violence and anti-social behavior associated with Fundamentium-induced religious affliction, these sad souls must be isolated from the normal population at great cost to society.

Due to unsafe sexual practices and a lack of limits on childbearing, religion is currently pandemic, affecting millions of people on every major continent. In fact, some nations are so infected by religion that it is now impossible for anyone not tragically infected to achieve political office or even influence over educational policy. Such nations are increasingly considered to be dangerous to friend and foe alike. (See also The USA.)

The United Nations is currently experimenting with a massive education and treatment program designed to minimize the negative effects of religion. However, because several of the world's most powerful nations are dominated by the afflicted, this program has so far met with little success. Meanwhile, most esteemed intellectuals have become convinced that only Death Metal can save us now. Fundamentalists are aware of the power of Death Metal and are actively trying to counter that with the warped music known as Contemporary Christian Radio.

[edit] Religious Apologetics

Apologists attempt to demonstrate the tenets of their faith with rigorous arguments. As such, religious apologists greatly hamper the efforts of those who seek to exorcise society's demon of religion.

One of the most famous arguments for the existence of an omnipotent God is the ontological argument. Its reasoning goes something like this:

God is, by definition, a being greater than which nothing can be conceived (imagined).
Existence in reality is greater than existence in the mind.
God must exist in reality; if God did not, then God would not be that than which nothing greater can be conceived (imagined).
God pooped out humans and our shits.

[from wikipedia]

This argument can be countered by similar reasoning, however:

The creation of the world is the most marvelous achievement imaginable.
The merit of an achievement is the product of (a) its intrinsic quality, and (b) the ability of its creator.
The greater the disability (or handicap) of the creator, the more impressive the achievement.
The most formidable handicap for a creator would be non-existence.
Therefore if we suppose that the universe is the product of an existent creator we can conceive a greater being — namely, one who created everything while not existing.
Therefore, God does not exist.

[from wikipedia]

A new, powerful argument for the existence of God, among other things, may not be so easily refuted. It goes something like this:

Let 's' be the proposition that God exists; Jesus Christ is his son; Jesus was born of the virgin Mary, died, rose from the grave, and ascended to heaven; and Jesus will return to judge the Earth and establish intelligent design in public schools.
Let 'p' be the proposition that apples are red.
Assert p.
p or s. (This follows by disjunction introduction from 3.)
Let 'not-p' be the proposition that apples are not red.
Assert not-p. (Apples are green, and green is not red; therefore, apples are not red.)
s. (This follows by disjunctive syllogism from 4 and 6: If 'p or s' and 'not-p,' then s.)

[edit] Christianity and Science

For many years there have been skeptical peoples that claim many miracles that Jesus performed can be done by David Blane and Chris Angel, such as walking on water. Now, a session was held with the Pope and the Head Science Chief Of All That Is Sciency and decided to compromise.

Christianity: Jesus can't fly

Science: Criss Angel can fly

Compromise: Criss Angel must be Jesus

Truth: Criss Angel is Uber Jesus

Morality: Jesus Pwned!

Christianity: Jesus walked on water. Alleluia, it's a miracle.

Science: Criss Angel walks on water, what's so great about Jesus?

Tidbit: Lizards walk on water, what's so great about Jesus?

Compromise: Criss Angel must be Jesus. Jesus must be a lizard.

Truth: Criss Angel is Raptor Jesus is a lizard

Morality: Jesus Pwned at a game he invented!

Religion: Jesus turned water into wine.

Science: Kool-Aid can turn water into punch.

Compromise: The Kool-Aid man ripped off Jesus.

Truth: Kool-Aid man is really Satan.

Morality: don't drink the Kool-Aid handed out in Jonestown, it's spiked with religious rhetoric from Jesus' fan club! Even Jesus cannot stand those lamers!

[edit] The ReliRelic Community

Not long after the introduction of Tha Intarweb, the underground community of relic collectors and traders utilized this new medium to form one of the most active communities online today outnumbering the bodyparts_of_Oscar_Wilde_or_Kermit_the_frog collectors community by a factor of 3 left thumbs. Common articles traded within the group are Pieces-of-vinger, Blood with weird properties, ribs and various pieces of clothing and personal belongings.

Famous trades:

Both of Joseph's left hands were traded in 1992 for one foot (damaged) that belonged to Jesus
The staff that belonged to Moses was swapped for 10,000 copies of The Da Vinci Code ( with some Asian boat captain )
Half of Oscar Wilde's holy men fingerbone collection was traded for a very stiff drink

The most sought after pieces include:

Mary Magdalene Contraception recipes from the Nazareth drugstore
Politico/religious satire sketches drawn by famous Muslim prophets
Parts of Saint Peter's Roman commando battle suit
Any arm that belonged to Kali the gOD of Tang and other soluble beverages.
8 Track recordings of the VOICE OF gOD

Tips for beginning religious relic collectors:

Building a collection can be slow. Start with easy items like pieces of Popes ( there are plenty to go around )
For fleshy relics you need proper storage. Start out with solid items that do not rot ( at least not too much )
Beware of fakes. There are enough splinters from the cross of Jesus around to build 14 Noah's Arks
Remember - the most valuable or desirable relics are not always the most expensive. Don't get tricked into buying a penguin corpse just because it's the most expensive item to supposedly touch Jesus.

Famous relic traders:

Bill Gates, Known to wear a clip-on beard made from gODs beard hair ( the shaving date unknown ). The clip used was the one and true original clippy, God of computer annoyances.
Oscar Wilde, Still the biggest collection of holy men's fingerbones.
Tom Cruise, Obsessed by holy men leisure sofas ( claimed to own a couch owned by King David )
Catholic Church, Everything including Abraham's kitchen sink