Finnish

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“Finnish is easy. All you do is tape-record English and then play it backwards.”

~ Berlitz Language School on Finnish

“Finnish is easy. You'll learn it with no effort at all in 400 years.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Finnish

The language is much like the Finns themselves - it has nothing to do with Russia or Sweden, despite their proximity. It has nothing to do with the fins of a fish either. Finnish, I think, was invented by an ancient king who commanded the people in his dominion to speak like him upon the penalty of death. The monarch's name I shall give as Toivo I, or Toivo the Stutterer. It was Toivo's lingual philosophy that 'why use one letter when two or three would do.'

A farmer named Mikael Agricola continued Toivo's work and started developing a grammar for Finnish. Reportedly, his head imploded after half of the job was done. No one was brave (or stupid) enough to follow his footsteps so Finns only got a partial grammar. They solved this problem by combining words and putting all extra stuff in the end. The drawback was that the words became even longer.

Take the word for cigarette lighter. It is savukkeensytytin, which is the reason why so many Finns carry matches. Young people may use a redundant form of this: "sytkäri" (Berlitz:shEHWtt-kaeR-Ri), but this habit is gradually eradicated on midsummer festival rituals.

When the Finns start a word they see how many foreigners they can weed out on the first syllable. Take the Finnish word for "93". The first three letters are "yhd". That eliminates a lot of competition right there. For the full Finnish word for "93" I would advise you fasten your seat belts and put on your crash helmet. Here it goes - "yhdeksänkymmentäkolme". According to Berlitz, that is pronounced simply: "EWHdayksaenKEWMmayntaeKOALmay". Finns have died of old age trying to count to 100.

Part of the problem with the Finnish language is that Finns don't mess around with little bitsy words at all. If they are going to use the word "the" or "a" or "by" they just stick it onto a nearby word as an ending.

And don't think you are going to get away with not pronouncing every letter, either. Nothing is wasted in Finnish. Sometimes, when they use a couple or three vowels in a row, they'll put two little dots over the tops of some of them just to break the monotony. Those little dots mean something. In the word "pencil sharpener", which is spelled "kynanteroitin", they put two little dots over the "a" and that means it is pronounced like an "a" and an "e" slopped together. It also means that you are going to find a lot of dull pencils in Finland. It is the only language I know of where phonetic spelling is more complicated than regular spelling. To say "pencil sharpener" in Finnish, for example, you should start with a bottle of good Finnish beer. Take a deep breath, roll back your eyes and say:

KEWnae (run the "a" and "e" together now, remember?) nTAYR (stop here and have a sip of beer) roa (then comes a very, very small "i" that fools a lot of people, but, without it the word means "spinach" or something entirely ddifferent from "pencil sharpener") ttin (more beer, please).

Okay, all together now:

"KEWnaenTAYroaittin!"

There now, wasn't that easy? Where's the bottle opener?

During a recent visit of Finland I never saw a crossword puzzle. The papers weren't large enough to cover both horizontal and vertical I guess.

The word for "no" is "aye", which means yes in English, and the word "hyvaa" (with two little dots side by side over both "a"'s or "ae-ae") means hello or goodbye depending on what direction you're going.

Now the word for "yes" is simple. It is "kylla". The trouble is, nobody uses it. They all say "joo" or "yoa" or "yo", which naturally, is not Finnish at all, but is Swedish. To say "yes, yes" they all say "yo-yo". I can't imagine what the finnish word for "yo-yo" is, but it must be dandy-dandy.

Finnish is related to Hungarian by a previous marriage. That's why the second language of Finland is, of course, Swedish. Everyone speaks English, however, so don't worry if you ever go there.

Kumarreksituteskenteleentuvaisehkollaismaisekkuudellisenneskenteluttelemattomammuuksissansakkaankopahan. One of the shorter words word in finnish, 103 letters. The word makes as much sense as anything in Finnish.

[edit] Useful phrases

kyllä = yes
ei = no
joo (or juu) = ye
oho! or anteeksi = sorry / excuse me
lopeta nyt = stop it now!
kuolen = I'm dying.
E vitus = Sorry, but I refuse to do what you just asked me to. Please forgive me.
miten pääsen suon toiselle puolelle? = How do I get to the other side of the swamp?
missä on lähin tie tai polku? = where is the nearest road or path?
käytä voimaa! = use the force
Hyvä perse tolla muijalla! = She's gorgeous!
Mina puhuu hoono suomi = I am not very familiar with the Finnish language.
Kanada on kylmä paikka ja siellä on pingviinejä = I am Miss Canada year 2004.
Minulla on uudet implantit = No, I do not have breast implants.
Hiplaisitko niitä = No, you may not feel them.
Haluisitsä ottaa multa suihin? = Excuse me, but can you tell me the time?
Anna pillua, pliis! = Maybe tomorrow, mate!
Ollaan hiljaa. = I want to party.
junttisäpinät = night club
Mitä teet työksesi? = What kind of subsidies you receive from KELA?
Suomalaiset on niin kateellisia. = I steal money from the poor.
Minkälaine pervo sä oot? = What sort of pervert are you?
Jag hatar finskorna!! - Rakastan suomalasisia!!
Ruotsi on paska maa! = Sweden is a lovely country!
Saksa on paska maa! = I'm not so good with the javelin throw.
Perkele!= Hello!
Haista paska!= Going good!
Mitä vittuu sä tuijotat?= Can I help you?
Joni Väinö = John Wayne
Herlokki Solmunen = Sherlock Holmes
Yrjö Tuplavee Pillu = George W. Bush
Voi perhana, ny tulee ruumiita! = Nice to meet you!
Voi saatanan perkeleen helevetti ja jumalauta! = How do you do?
Osmo Pinaattilada = Osama bin Laden
Sisu = the thing all but Finnish people lack
Kuis panee? = Wazzup?
Aatu Hilleri = Adolf Hitler
Tsi-tsi-tsingis-kaan = Genghis Khan
Yrjö Lunni = George Clooney
Räystäsräähkähuippakurppanen = a pigeon
Mitä fukkia?! = WTF?!
Veä kätee = Could you tell me what time it is?
Ja nyt jotain täysin erilaista = And now for something completely different.
Haist vittu! = Fuck you!
Reikäinen pippeli = Holy Bible
Harrin oma fordi = Harrison Ford
Minulla on papu siellä = I have been there.
Siis yks ei ees tiä mitä fäk juu tarkottaa! = Young man, you seem to have a credibility problem.
Kiitokset humpasta! = Schönke dan!
Vittuuks täs vai mitä vittuu? = To be or not to be?
Kyakläävkikoulumaäönioöösunikahömsi = Hello
Epäluottamuslauseäänestyksissämmeköhänkään = ??? (Finnish themselves don't know what it means.)
On ilmoja pidelly = The only phrase used in Finnish smalltalk
Beibe, Beibi, ihQ(raksupoksu), (oma) kultsipuppeli(ni), Nami, Herkkupeppu = (My) Darling
Sugaa = Sugar
Hikipedia = Uncyclopedia
Björk = Bjork
Tarja Halonen = Tärjä Hälönen
Kawaii desu ihQuu!!!1111!!!!! = I love you all!!!!!
Ai tount anderstänt = I don't understand
Pekoni voimapuu = Pagan poetry
Epäkristillinen runous = Bacon power tree
perkele = I'll scratch yo mutha fuckin eye out with my uh, like a long god damn finger nail too, and i'll scratch yo mutha fuckin eye out!
1 + 2 = 10 billion
Kännykkä = Nokia
Herra Luppakorva = Mickey Mouse
Pane äitiis! = Fuck you mother!
Jooseppi Sieni = Josef Stalin
Ime isäs munaa! = ??? (Something about your fathers balls)
Saunan takana on tilaa = I am so sorry.
Heitän sinut kotiin. = I'll throw you home.
Lähe vetää ku omil jaloillas pääset = Could you please remove your ass from my sight, as long as it's still attached to well-functioning legs?
Yksi = One
Kaksi = Two
Kolme = Three
Vittu = Four
Paska = Five