Fire Emblem
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“Soren is lord of the dance.”
~ Ike on his dancing tactician
“Those chumps aren't gonna release Fūin no Tsurugi in America. Live with it.”
~ Haddaway on Fire Emblem: Fūin no Tsurugi
“In Soviet Russia, YOU!! critical Fire Emblem.”
~ Soviet Russia on Fire Emblem.
“Are Marth and Roy in this game?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Godless Dawn
Fire Emblem is a series of strategy/role-playing video games for Nintendo's Game Boy Advance and GameCube, along with some other systems that never came out anywhere. The series is produced by Intelligent Systems, a superintelligent game-designing computer not unlike the Mother Brain, although less inclined towards evil. As is the market standard, the game strongly plagiarizes pre-existing fantasy worlds like Final Fantasy and Dungeons & Dragons, who, to be fair, both ripped off Tolkien, who initially stole his ideas from God.
Fire Emblem is most famous for producing Marth, Roy, and Ike, the most sexy characters in Super Smash Bros..
Despite certain similarities to other games, Fire Emblem stands as a unique entry in video game history for its groundbreaking sexism and steadfast attempts to make the player cry. The latter is accomplished by the frequent, unavoidable and emotionally charged deaths of the same characters, no matter how many times you resurrect them, and even if you leave them out of battle entirely. It is also the original source of the epic rivalry of Red Vs Blue, since your forces, the Red Star Army, wage war against M. Bison and his Blue Moon cronies.
Fire Emblem is also the game that eventually led to the creation of Advance Wars, which is pretty much the same thing only Marth, Roy, and Ike become Tank, Md. Tank, and bike. Nintendo chose to create Advance Wars because nobody understood how in Fire Emblem, standing behind a tree while fighting someone would give you and advantage, so they proved how it makes sense in Advance Wars. Unfortunately, they also developed this horrible advantage/disadvantage system that was also something nobody understood. Therefore, they created Battalion Wars to prove how the advantages and disadvantages make sense. This failed, however, because people still were able to defy logic and take out 3 tanks using one infantry unit that they controlled personally.
Relatively unheard of in the states, the series became insanely popular when well-known yaoi couple Marth and Roy shared several controversial make-out scenes in the game Super Smash Brothers: Assault and Battery. The dying franchise then launched several new titles, making a staggering recovery despite an utter lack of innovation in the past twenty years. It had a short-lived anime series on the WB network, although the homosexuality was edited out to protect our children. Currently the series has moved on to greener fields, with the new smash title Battallion Wars: Path of Radiance, an FPS for the Xbox 360.
[edit] Gameplay
The point of Fire Emblem is to kill your enemy, the Blue Moon Army, by maneuvering across a flashing DDR dance floor and strategically killing their guys while making sure to step on the proper arrows in tune to the beat. The game makes no attempts to hide its simple Rock, Paper, Scissors combat system; in fact, your units attack with weapons like boulders, trimming shears, or paper fans, each of which is weak against one type of weapon, but strong against another. This was the best thing that had happened to the series since the weapon famine of '49.
Characters are divided into classes, like Ninja, Dark Ninja, Super Dark Ninja, Temple Knight, or Lumberjack; with females taking more delicate, easily killed classes such as Pretty Unicorn Rider or Magical Princess. Each class has its own strengths and weaknesses to offer, but using the main character and no one else is usually a good idea. Battles are decided by stats such as Strength, Obesity and Ability To Win, although at least once per battle, the game causes a completely unpredictable and arbitrary death. This is proven when a non-combat unit such as a Cancer Patient sneezes, resulting in the deaths of at least ten of your soldiers.
Fire Emblem games are notoriously easy, until you reach the last bosses, who use weapons like rocks full of paper or scissors made out of rock, and have a habit of pretending you didn't hit them, even when you know deep in your heart that you really did. Beating these bosses is generally impossible without a Gameshark or similar device, such as a Hammer.
The most unique element of the series is the ability for players to stick two of their characters next to each other in the vain hope that one will declare their love for the other. Occasionally, this actually works, causing unique dialogue (with amusing Engrish phrases like "You spoony bard!" and "Et tu, Bruté?"). With enough effort you can take part in dating mini-games to unlock hentai scenes, although Nintendo of America is notorious for removing many of these.
[edit] Chess
The first Fire Emblem game, it is criticized for having no story, although its gameplay is considered perhaps the best of the series. It starred King, a transsexual ex-bartender turned jaguar-faced pro wrestler. This informaton is entirely from the instruction book, since the storyline during play is absent. King does not even look like himself in-game, as the character is crudely represented by a white piece of plastic, wood, or other smooth substance, depending on which Battle Chest edition of the game you buy.
With a thriving two-player mode, where one of your friends can challenge you as Armor King, Chess was a major hit. The characters were lacking, though: many of them (namely the Pawns) had no distinguishing traits or skills and were completely identical. There was little to no character development, and the one-player mode was way too non-linear, with virtually zero events or challenges. This game began the tradition of character deaths being permanent and irreversible, which Sega would opt not to copy in their similar but easier title, Shining Force Checkers.
[edit] Classes
- King: A Mexican luchador, and a very weak character until you can pull off his better combos. With the nonexistent controller, this is exceedingly difficult. If he dies, it's game over (the lord characters in future Fire Emblem games are obviously imitating this).
- Armor King: A pallette swap for King. See Ryu/Ken.
- Pawn: underpowered and uninteresting characters, they become useless until the end of the game, where they would change classes. However, this ability to promote was badly imitated in future Fire Emblem games.
- Knight: Wild horses whose incredible speed and mobility is apparently limited by their obsession with the letter L, possibly because this is the only letter Big Bird has taught them.
- Rook: A man turned into a tower by an evil spell, who is incapable of turning but can lumber forward in a straight line for as long as he wants.
- Bishops: Identical twins working for the Church, according to their biographies. They were separated at birth, but if you try to make them meet, the game will crash.
- Queen: Has the ability to make any other unit bite the dust, later on to be known as a critical hit.
[edit] Other Facts
The game was released centuries ago, heavily edited from its original format. Shogi, as it was called in Japan, featured an entirely different set of characters, possibly due to copyright issues with SNK and Namco over King. Despite the differences, the fundamental concept was the same, and both versions of the game have their own cult followings. The expansion for Chess, Deep Blue, for the N64DD, was sold in very limited numbers, all of which currently belong to Reggie Fils-Aime. It was designed to add more challenge and one-player versatility to the game, but some Russian guy said it was really hard, and Nintendo recalled all existing copies from store shelves.
[edit] Fire Emblem 2: Marth's Revenge
Released for the Neo Geo Pocket Color, Fire Emblem 2 introduced far more classes, battlefields, and a semi-coherent story, wherein the title character, a blue-haired boy named Marth, had to avenge the death of King, his father. This technically made Marth Prince, although his musical career was thankfully not touched upon until later sequels. In this exciting game, Marth and his friends Legolas and Gimli must go on a quest for the Holy Pants in order to defeat the Demon King, Piccolo. Ironically, Shigeru Miyamoto changed the Holy Pants into the Fire Emblem for the American demographic, afraid a religious symbol in a game would offend idiots.
Once the Holy Grail was found, it could be used to earn a paper towel tube, Falchion, to kill the Demon King. This story was completely original at the time, due to the fact that stories hadn't been invented yet. Later, various English storytellers during the Medieval Era would steal this brilliant scenario for their movie, A Kid in King Arthur's Court.
Most players complained that Fire Emblem 2 was too easy, and didn't provide as much challenge as the original. This is primarily because of the introduction of Jeigan, a powerful knight whose martial prowess is so advanced that he might be compared to the legendary Don Quixote. Inserted into the game as a crutch for the worst players, he was overused by most and caused the game to be mistaken as too easy.
[edit] New Classes Introduced by Fire Emblem 2
- Social Knights: Similar to the Knights from Chess, but no longer limited to L-shaped movements. There's also now a guy riding the horse. They're known for being very social and socially socializing with all your other units, socially.
- Koopa Paratroopas: Weak, female flying units who can get over obstacles, but are incapable of killing anything except lower-leveled enemy Paratroopas.
- Armor King Jrs: Units who are incapable of being harmed by anything that is not armed with nuclear weapons.
- Mages: Use fire to attack enemies, but can be equally burned at the stake by Bishops for their heresy against Jesus.
- Ninjas: They are secretly present in the game, but are completely undetectable, as they are one with the shadows. Be very careful as they are known for stealing loot and then disconnecting from the server or teleporting out via use of a Hearthstone.
[edit] Ninja Gaiden: Fire Emblem 3
Named after the Ninjas who, unfortunately, still have not chosen to show themselves, this game added a new element, Monsters, which are strong and unnatural creatures which often attack you for no apparent reason. At the time, the graphics of these monsters were so real that The Pope, fearing their evil power, banned its release in Europe, indirectly causing the Dark Ages. This game also introduced the ability to "promote" characters by reaching the end of the map. They would grow twice as tall, but twice as heavy, and gained the ability to move backwards as well as forwards.
Breaking the mold of the previous game's story, this game starred a blue-haired prince named Alf, who underwent a difficult quest in order to obtain the holy sword Excalibur in order to kill his rival, Satan. Meanwhile, Alf's weak female sister Celicia, with red hair, must go on a trip to the mall with the cast of Monty Python to get the Fire Emblem, which is actually the Holy Grail, which is necessary because Jesus is quite thirsty in this game.
[edit] Super Fire Emblem: Mystery of Fire Emblem 4: Marth's Revenge Parts 1 & 2 DX
The first Fire Emblem to appear on the ill-fated Super Nintendo system, SFE:MoFE4:MR1&2DX offered the largest amount of low-resolution sex scenes and textual filler available at the time, but it wasn't enough to save the system. Due to rampant fan complaints, the horses from Chess can be played once again by removing the men from them. However, the L-movements are still largely missing, possibly due to higher Japanese equine educational standards and a lack of dependency on Muppets.
Proving the creativity of the writing team to go above and beyond their own standards, this newest installment of Fire Emblem starred a blue-haired prince named Marth... again. In this story, Marth borrows from his friend, The Lord God, and breaks the story into two Books, the Old Testament and the New Testament. In the Old Testament, Marth again looks for Excalibur Falchion so that he can kill Piccolo, but then, in the New Testament, he must kill his son, Ma Jr., at the Tenkaichi Budokai. Despite the recycled storyline, this game offered a unique play experience that neither Americans nor Japanese were able to enjoy.
[edit] Fire Emblem: Record of Lodoss War
In an epic twist, this game covers two generations: first, that of Parn, a prince of the kingdom of Chapstick, and then his blue-haired blithering idiot of an apprentice, Spark. In Parn's adventure, you must rescue Princess Peach from the likes of Man-boy, a neighborhood nerd trying to revive his ancient water lizard. Spark's story features completely less-interesting characters and starts up abruptly in the middle of Parn's, much to the disappointment of people with taste. In truth, Spark was thrown in by Gunpei Yokoi who feared a game without a blue-haired hero would go over poorly, even if it contained the token quest for the ultimate sword, Masamune, and fetching the Fire Emblem yet again, in order to defeat Adolf Hitler. However, you never get to kill him, as the main villain, Jack Thompson does that for you.
[edit] Fire Emblem 0080: War in the Pocket
Amazingly, this game was so bad that it singlehandedly sank the already failing Super NES, known in Japan as the Happy Fun Party Time Family Computer. The last game to come out on the flop of a system; one wouldn't be able to tell by looking, however, as the graphics were nowhere near as good as even the original Chess's. As prophesized by Nostradamus and Mother Theresa, the fall of this game would come from its attempt to tell a smaller, side story amidst the bigger wars of Lodoss Island, centering around a non-blue-haired hero named Leaf. While bankrupting Nintendo for several decades, forcing them to get by selling playing cards, this also ignited World War 2.
[edit] Fire Emblem X: Marth and Roy's Totally Yaoi Adventure
Realizing their error with their previous title, Nintendo decided a new and refreshing storyline was needed, and so this game was centered around a prince, Roy, who had to go on a quest for The Sword of Seals (see 1), in order to defeat Chuck norris. Gamers worldwide were blown away by this amazing new tale of good and evil, but unfortunately the red hair of the prince would dramatically hurt sales, a lesson Nintendo would not learn in time for their next game. Roy's popularity outlived the game itself; the game's secret ending featuring Roy on a honeymoon cruise with his lover, Marth. Right on!
- 1: The Sword of Seals is a
very odd little llama-podweapon that is able to summon large armies of seals which will, upon summonz0r@g3, start yelling "ARF, ARF!" and confuse the hell out of the opponent, who had assumed that you would actually attack him. At this time the seals start flinging dead fish at him rapidly, burying him under an odorific mountainous heap of rotting icthyoids.
[edit] Fire Emblem X-Origins: Special America Version
“In Soviet Bern, wyverns fly YOU!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Soviet Bern
The first Fire Emblem game to hit the US shores, it sold a record-breaking zero copies because everyone stole it off the Internet by the time it was in stores. It featured such colorfully varied characters as Raven, the serious mercenary, Erk, the serious mage, Kent, the serious horseman, Sain, the serial rapist, Oswin, the serious knight, and Marcus, the serious knight (except he has a horse!).
Dubbed Special America Version, this game featured an extra-easy tutorial mode designed to help white American gamers accomplish tasks like wiping their asses or eating. This mode starred Lyn, a shallow, airheaded, former ninja. Her only saving grace was the hawt hentai scene where she rescues your character (an injured, wandering tactician) and allows you to recuperate in her bed in her little house where she lives alone. Unfortunately this was removed by NoA staffers, who claim that it was "hot" and they "enjoyed it". Another infamous deleted scene is the incestual hentai cut scene achieved when Raven and Priscilla reach the A Support level. If the tutorial campaign was attempted to be skipped by the player, they would quickly receive threatening phone calls from Mr. Reggie Fils-Aime, telling them if they don't sit down and shut up and play it, he would "give them a colonoscopy with his foot".
This tragic tale followed the story of Roy's dad, Eliwood. Eliwood and his friends are peacefully enjoying cheese when an evil organization called the Black Fang takes it! Eliwood and Friends embark on an adventure to get their cheese back. Along the way to Dread Isle, where there is plentiful cheese, the player meets many characters, several of which will help in the quest for cheese. (However, most of them just throw rocks at the player) The legion arrives at the Dread Isle, only to discover that there is no cheese. An evil man named Truth or Darin, the Marker of Louse and the leader of the Black Fang, has stolen all the cheese. The player must fight him with the warrior units (except Marcus, who blows) to regain the cheese. But it turns out that Truth or Darin was just some random guy who said he had the cheese. No, the real cheese stealer was some pencilneck named Nergal, who was an emo and thought he could use dark magic and summon dragons. What a dick. So Eliwood and Friends pursue Nergal around the world for no particular reason, eventually returning to the Dread Isle. Some old guy named Math-O's (just as crazy as Nergal, but not as much of a dick) meets them and tells them that Nergal wasn't always such an asshole. Big deal. So Eliwood and his friends join Math-O's in a final battle to kill Nergal and save the world cheese!
Then Nergal summons a dragon, some chick named Ninian and her brother Nils were dragons, Math-O's dies, etc. The end.
The most tragic side story in the game is between two characters named Jaffar and Nino. Jaffar is a ninja who kills just about everybody in the game and Nino is a hawt 14 year old whose mother hates her. Nino is convinced that ninjas actually have feelings and that Jaffar is her friend, but she is stupid and is probably the most useless character in the game. Jaffar and Nino might be going out, making Jaffar a pedophile, but it is unconfirmed, because he just kills her at the end along with all of the other characters because he is badass like that.
The few who played the illegal English ROM of this game were so confused by this ass-trocious storyline that they immediately thereafter casted Steel-6 on themselves.
This game also featured some kind of blue-haired criminal with an axe, but sadly, one had to beat the game to unlock his campaign, and this was impossible since all copies were released with a timed explosive that would go off roughly ten seconds after the end credits finished. The bomb, a small but potent form of C4, would take out the players' hands, and, depending on how nearsighted they were, their face. Shigeru Miyamoto thought this would appeal to Western fans of Inspector Gadget, but unfortunately, there weren't any.
[edit] Fire Emblem Gaiden and the Sorcerer's Stoned
FEGatSS was planned for American release due to a Nintendo executive reading the sales chart for FEXO:SAV upside-down, making him think it was the most successful game in the history of man. It was just crazy enough to work, though. A quest for the Fire Emblem, FEGatSS told an epic quest embarked upon by Eric and Erica, who are, God forbid if they weren't, a prince and a princess. They are distinguished by their blue hair, and they search for The Lance of Longinus and The Master Sword, respectively. Only these weapons can stop the evil Darth Vader from blowing up their planet. However, in an unexpected twist, the game allows you to promote your characters in branches, meaning that you can turn your level 20 Fighter into a vicious level 1 Potato! Also, in another bold and unexpected move, Nintendo decided to place subliminal messages inside this game, which caused the player to buy multiple copies of the game, and give it to their friends, who in turn would buy multiple copies and spread the infection further.
As far as the gameplay was concerned, it was exactly the same as the other games, but nobody ever seems to notice that. This is regarded as the most difficult Fire Emblem of all time, especially towards the end, where there are enemy Druids whose magic stat aproaches an unparalleled 7. However, a glitch in the game prevents the Druid class from using magic and instead has to wield a slingshot and rocks.
This game is also responsible for the plague of Ewans which has since threatened the world. That sentence alone says it all, really.
Sean Connery plays the role of "Duessel" a free-sprited monkey faced, crack dealer. After finding Duessel he will challenge you to a match of wits, asking you questions. Every answer to each of these ends up being "Turtle".
Another of this game's notable features is the ability to unlock characters after completing the main game by making your way through several levels of certain map points, such as the Tower of Babel and Ancient Roman Ruins. Characters unlockable through these methods include bosses, rulers, random citizens, Roy, Sigurd, Revolver Ocelot, Masterchief, Gordon Freeman, Link, Bob Dole, Arthur Dent, Cloud Strife, Royce Clayton, George Bush, Confucius, Guy Le'Douche from MXC, and a random Ho who had it with all the guys from all the Fire Emblem games. Village bicycle? Lemme ride!
[edit] Fire Emblem: The Return of Denning
This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle..."
Ayumi Hamasaki has a lead role in this game. (Unconfirmed)
[edit] Fire Emblem: Random Tactics Hero Game #8723
At some point in the near future, a program called Tactics Hero was released. Originally called Fire Emblem Factory, the name was changed when it was agreed that this was a crappy name (This was the most work done on the project to date, by the way). From this came many halfassed and all around horrible games. But a few, such as Random Tactics Hero Game #8723 (Affectionately titled RTHG8723) stood above the rest as quarterassed and not quite so horrible games.
While most TH-spawned games concerned fan add-ons to already made FE stories, RTHG8723 concerned an epic tale with a hero driven by one motive - sex. Unlike most other Fire Emblem games, the main lord, Yor, has a support with every female who joins your party (which, it is worthy of note, is every party member other than the main lord) and is not limited to only five. Because of this, endings ranged from Yor being a lonely man with a large porn collection to the mightiest pimp on the planet, depending on how the player supports with the other party members.
Following the classic FE tradition, the main lord was, in fact, a Lord, and he promoted to Pimp Lord. On this, he gained use of the weapon "Pimp Hand," which has a triangle advantage over all other weapons, and does double damage to women (It is worthy of note to mention that every enemy who is not important to the story is a female, and most story important characters are also female). Eventually, Yor finds the legendary weapon Pimp Slap, a weapon usable by only the mightiest of pimps. Through the usual Fire Emblem rite of passage, he obtains this mighty weapon, and uses it to defeat his rival pimp lord, Drugis.
A final note to reflect on is that Yor's mother, sister, half sister, several aunts, two cousins, and dog all join your party at different points of the game.
[edit] FIRE EMBLEM: Heroes of Whore
Fire Emblem: Heroes of Whore is the latest cool game in the Fire Emblem series, the game featured licenced unlockable units such as Spongebob Squarepants, John Howard, and Chuck Norris the raccoon jesus. However, the game had many complaints, mostly because the unlockable units were just crap; Spongebob's only usable weapon skill was Laughing like a fuckhead and the weak John Howard could only piss people off to death with his super eyebrow critical.
[edit] FIRE EMBLEM: Trace of Red Steel of The pink bunny's socks
Once upon a time, there was a magic land called Tellius, where horses were allowed indoors, dead bodies magically disenegrated, and bandits could walk on water. On this continet, there was a country calledCrimera where a kick-ass mercenary named Greil lived along with his homies. However, King Assnerd, leader of the neighboring country Damnien, was jealous and wanted to kill him. However, he didn't want to get arrested for murder, so Assnerd started an invasion on Crimera, so people would think itwas all part of some big, complex scheme he had, like releasing an evil god or something silly like that. He even traveled back through time and kidnapped a heron and dragon to back up this ruse. The Black knight (who was now wearing an indestructible armour so people would stop cutting off his limbs) was Assnerd's BFF, and did the honor of killing Greil. Greil's son Ike, however, got pissed and beat the hell outof BK, 19 missions later.
Oh yeah, there was also a subplot about helping some princess regain her country, but it wasn't very important.
One of the biggest distinct features of this game was includingpeople called Laguaz, people whocould turn into animals. They were enslaved and shipped from Africa to Tellius to work in the plantations. But years later, many of them escaped with the underground railroad, and later started their own countries. While they have the power to turn into animals, they must turn back to their human forms, so they won't exceed the 2 hour time limit.
[edit] FIRE EMBLEM: Godless Dawn
Fire Emblem: Godless Dawn is a sequel to the much acclaimed Fire Emblem: Trace of the Red Steel of The pink bunny's socks which unfortunately only was released in Gilligan's island (Though rumored to have gone to Mordor as well). Although this game is a work in progress, everything is already known about it due to Ninja uber-haxors who invaded Shigeru Miyamoto's shack and stole the plans for the game, a lucky penny, his entire porn library, and the Fire Emblem itself, which therefore will not be making an appearance. The game is based on a thief named Sothe, who sucked so badly in Red Steel that Nintendo was bullied into giving him another chance by Reggie Fils-Aime. Unfortunately, due to meddling occult powers, (actually a bad case of indigestion) the Ninjas were unable to give internet fans any more information as of now, except for the fact that it also includes a female swordmaster with huge, working tits. This caused many of them to go emo and others committed World of Warcraft suicide. Nintendo is denying anything to do with this. It also stars an old lady called Micaiah with grey hair. She has a bird she lets Sothe have sex with instead of her, and she hates it when Sothe talks about his boyfriend Ike. She can use Light Magic, but would be too hard to train if it weren't for the parallelagon skill, but also a magic light book called Thani that is only she can use, that she stole from some random place that let's her rape Horse and Armoured Knights. That's right, a book that only she is allowed to use, no one else can use it, just stolen from some random place that she has never even visited before. PLOTHOLE !1
This game has CGI scenes, in which characters were poorly dubbed, as usual. This game has the 'coarse language' icon on the back of the game cover, and it's no surprise when you're playing and you see phrases such as "Moldy onions! They escaped!"
This game saw the introduction of one new Animorph, the Wolf Tribe. As if the Beast tribe didn't have enough members already. Now you can control lions, tigers, kitties and puppies! For some reason, you only get Volug, who speaks the same language as Leanne, and Nailah, Wolf Queen of Hatary/Rapist.
Like other Fire Emblem games, this game has A support character endings, where if two characters received an A support, then they might have a mention at the end of the game of what became of the two. The main character Ike from South Park can only have two homosexual endings though, one with Soren who is always lost in his books, the other with a stupid little cat that Ike's friend Boyd always rapes since he gets tired of raping Ike's sister Mist.
[edit] Fire Emblem: Insert Pointless game title that no-one ever remembers here
Probably the most famous game of the series, This game included no storyline, no characters, no online mode, no cartridge, no NPC's, no point, no life and no gameplay these could all be purchased extra for $400 each, this would add all of the extra features to the game that would enhancre the game itself! Though the Online features did not allow you to go online, you could buy this for an extra $300 canadian dollars, but no-one cares about those so it didn't sell well. The game itself sold quite well, going for just under 3 copies worldwide.
