Donald Trump
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Donald's real skill is to simply show up to celebrity events and expected to be treated like a celebrity. This led Donald to coin the term Quasi-Celebrity, which he is the posterboy for.
Donald is the grandfather of Donald Duck and uncle of Scrooge McDuck. He is famous for being the highest paid anchor on American television (5 cents/year). He is also a multiple time winner (2000 BC to 2000 AD) of the Mr. Sexiest Hairstyle in the Universe pageant.
Trump first gained popularity for selling his body to Arab investors for 50 dollars. Later in the 1970's, in another record-breaking deal he sold the real estate on top of his head to a group of Japanese businessmen for 5 Pokemon dolls and 2 hentai comic books. These two business deals established his reputation as a famous pimp in the field of real estate. He was reported bankrupt in the 2007's by renowned lesbian-lova Rosie O'Donnell, which started the great Trump-O' Donnel War.
[edit] Donald Trumps Defeat
In a land far away in the mystical kingdom known as "Scotland" or Africa as some know it, Donald Trump attempted to buy Scotland. Donald Trump launched an invasion of summoned hell monsters differing in race known as Americans, Mexicans and French. With Trumps mass fortune from being a self employed pimp he managed to fund the construction of AT-ST's and AT-AT's for his army. The Scottish managed to defeat him by calling in an army of Haggis to send a space shuttle into Donald Trump's chins, plant a nuke and flee before the explosion. Of course this mission resulted in the death of Bruce Willis. Today Scotland celebrate their triumph by doing what they have always done; Get pissed, make whiskey and get pissed again.
Donald Trump took up a job as a knight from Scotland. He was on patrol
when suddenly Chuck Norris came out of nowhere and round-house kicked him. He took Trump to his evil lair where Arnold Schwarzenegger beat the hell
out of him. Until Trump said "you're fired",
CIA agents swarmed in and took Arnold to jail.
[edit] Origin of name (Vegetable Awareness)
On May 28th, 1981, Donald Pakinolovminski and his friends Cat Stevens, Rosie O'Donnell, and Stephen Hawking were up late playing a game of Checkers. Highly intoxicated, they decided to form an organization that would give respect to many lesser known vegetables in the food pyramid. They created TRUMP (Turnips, Rutabega Understood by Most Persons), and a legacy was born. From humble veggie awareness beginnings, the team proceeded to incorporate other disrespected greens like squash and cauliflower. Five years into the business, Cat Stevens was deported. Shortly thereafter, Stephen Hawking was abducted by aliens, who stole his spine and vocal chords in exchange for a sweet wheelchair and a fake voice thingy. Rosie just turned into the Rosie we know today. Slowly but surely, Donald started to smell strange things around his house.Some say that the odors came from the prolonged use of his industrial strength hairspray which is made from selenium-233 and the tears of a gypsy. This led to a fistfight with widespread accusations. This accounts for their hatred for each other today. Donald soon left the vegetable awareness industry with a new name: Donald Trump. If you look closely in any of the buildings he owns, you will see traces of vegetable awareness.
[edit] Tragic Youth
In 1973, after a tragic Brylcreme accident, Mr. TRUMP's hair was replaced, at great expense, with a synthetic genetically-engineered form of marmot skin. Stronger, faster and more stain-resistant than natural hair, it protected Mr. Trump's head from the hazards of modern living and shielded his brain from his potent Reality Distortion Field. It is also alive, feeding off his brain, not unlike to Spider man's black suit simbiot, but this just makes him act like a dick in general.
Apart from his artistic skills, Mr. TRUMP is a gambler at heart. He is supposed to have designed both the card games, Trump and No Trump, though he prefers Trump. He also discovered Trump's Law. Doing this while owning his first successful business, trumps house of wings first advertised next to Tom Brady's House of flaffles when he hosted Saturday Night Live in 2004.
Trump was Molested by Michael Jackson on his 2nd birth day on the year of 1949
[edit] Hammy Aspirations
Trump enjoys performing as a celebrity look-alike on weekends -- favorite impersonations include Paris Hilton, Gilbert Gottfried, King Kong, John Wayne, Pokemon and James Bond. TRUMP began his television acting career as a regular guest star on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
Quite possibly his greatest work, in 1846 Mr. TRUMP wrote The Art of the Pimping Deal, and was elevated to the status of honorary Ethiopian dictator.
In 2004 he became very popular when he created a TV reality show called You are Fired!, where he showcased his wit, humour and pimp redbrown poorly dyed hair. The show consisted of Donald TRUMP rolling on a skateboard, dressed like a chicken, yelling "you are fired" to innocent bystanders. Each chapter lasted for 6 hours and ended in him crying on a riverboat near Manhattan. The show was transmitted daily for 43 weeks. Historians still debate on the number of actual episodes there were, as some were actually just him crying on a riverboat drinking cheap malt liquor and never actually yelling at anyone.
The most on-demand chapter being the one in which he (Mr. TRUMP Duh!) was having a bad hair day and fired his comb and shampoo. This exciting announcement was made by him in a much-talked-about press conference covered by the media of 3415 countries.
On the last chapter, broadcasted to almost 30 billion (John Malkovich counts as 24 billion people cuz he is awesome), and without anyone else to fire around, Trump yelled "you are fired!" (like a big dumb arrogant jerk) to himself, putting a tragic end to his short life. Fortunately, his hair lives on. Unfortunately, it is controlling his lifeless body in a zombie-like state, which performs its evil bidding.
Good riddance.
[edit] Triumph in the Face of Racism
In 2000, Donald TRUMP became an honorary nigger, having this title bestowed upon him by Sean "I eat my own feces/Puffy" Combs and Russel Simmons in a live television broadcast from the back of a Cadillac Escalade limousine. Although Donald's success is a monumental step for the plight of the black male, he is widely considered to be an Uncle Tom. As a matter of fact, he was voted to be the most likely to be ass raped in prison by a group of ass-raping niggers.
[edit] TRUMP Towers
To Celebrate the launch of his first book "How To Sell Duff Books On The Pretense You Will Become Rich," Donald TRUMP bought a small warehouse in Harlem, renaming it simply TRUMP The Book Store.He soon outgrew the building, needing extra space for hair gel storage, and moved to a purpose-built low-rental apartment block, a few blocks south, renaming it Trump Tower after himself, to make it easier to find his way home after one of his regular all-night drinking binges.
Donald occupies a basement annex within the building, known as the bunker, where he often can be found wandering late at night, practicing his lines you're fired in the hope of another series to fund his hair gel habit.
[edit] Locations of TRUMP Towers
- The first TRUMP Tower was in the movie Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. He was in the first tower; if you pause the movie and look closely you can see him combing his hair and flipping off the camera at the same time. The second tower is found in an underground fight club. The fight club is run by James Brown, Hitler, Edward Norton, and a steak. The third and final Trump Tower is in Afghanistan and can levitate.
[edit] TRUMP the Nasty Fugly Fragrance
Most people have heard of Donald TRUMP the fragrance, simply called TRUMP, with the strap line, the great smell of Donald. However, few can afford to purchase the product. Made using his own armpit sweat glands, which requires several weeks a year spent in the Arizona desert, to produce enough genuine sweat. Trump admits it was his most serious business gamble, and the $25,000 charge per 25 ml bottle, has made this product out of reach for most admirers.However, you can still buy his book on the subject, How to Sell Your Own Smell and Get Even Richer, published by TRUMP Hair Publishers. Pretty much people that like nasty smells these days will buy this thing but since Trump was Scalped by a neighbor and his scalp has been put on Ebay for $50000,000,000 so good luck on that winning for sure. If your an Fugly smell lover then you will want it with the this nasty good smelling odor for you rotten smelling loving friends but yeah....
[edit] Culinary Preferences
Donald TRUMP enjoys greasy-style New York pizza, and has run an advertisement in which he appears in a $3,000,000 TRUMP Tower apartment wolfing one down without benefit of plates, silverware, or napkins. TRUMP also enjoys pork rinds and MacDonald's Double Quarter-Pounders, washed down with applejack. His franchise, TRUMP'S Hot Dogs, recently failed, however, when it was discovered that ingredients included chopped roadkill from in front of his New Jersey sex-and-gambling TRUMP Palace casino.
[edit] Criticism
In recent years, Donald TRUMP has received much criticism, most of which is coming rom Rosie O'Donnel. Not to be outdone, he refers to Rosie as "Fatty fatty, two by four, can't fit through the bathroom door, so she does it on the floor, I hate that boring whore". In retaliation, Rosie has been known to say "nah nah nah boo boo". (zzzzz) However, according to actor Dennis Leary, apparently reffering to this conlict, they should both "Have some cookies and milk and shut the fuck up."
[edit] List of Quasi-celebrities/Celebrities Donald TRUMP has had sex with
Donald TRUMP and Link considers him very sexy and attractive. TRUMP also considers his .0002cm penis god's personal gift to females the world over. Donald is a world renown furry aficionado, and the people listed below obliged Mr. Sexy Back Hair and dressed for their part. (Costume they dressed up in brackets). Of course Donald TRUMP only has sex with famous people.
- Rosie O'Donnell (Santa)
- Star Jones (Chef - from South Park)
- Katie Couric (Plankton - from Sponge Bob)
- Neil Diamond (wore a blue leisure suit)
- Donald TRUMP (as himself)
- Donald TRUMP (with his hair)
- Carrot Top (dressed as himself)
- Steve Ballmer (wore a Borat mask)
- Paris Hilton (Note: TRUMP attempted to have sex with Paris Hilton but was unsuccessful after TRUMP discovered Paris Hilton's penis was 7 inches longer then TRUMP's.)
- Miss USA (in million dollar crown and evening gown)
- A Sony Playstation 3?
- Vince McMahon (with his hair)
- Vince McMahon (after losing a bet to Donald over who can suck the most cocks backstage at a WWE event, loser gets his head shaved bald and then sodomized, Vince lost, see picture. Vince had to also dress up as a bald man)
- Nintendo Wii (dressed as pikachu)
- Bill O'Reilly (dressed as Al Franken
- Maria Sharapova (dressed as herself)
- Rush Limbaugh (dressed as a beeched whale)
- Ann Coulter (wore a Bill Clinton mask)
- Mr TRUMP has told many women and a few confused young men. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] That he once banged a cougar whilst camping in the wilds of downtown Las Vegas. This story is a complete fabrication according to our sources (which consists of my cat). It is true, however that Mr. Trump killed the cougar, ate its penis, and continues to wear the cougar on his head everyday.
[edit] The proper spelling and use of TRUMP
Donald TRUMP requires all official documents and letters to display his last name in all capital letter such as TRUMP, this is to ensure he glorifies his last name to the fullest.
TRUMP has also been praised for simply adding his last name TRUMP to virtually any business or product and have it become a instant money maker. For example TRUMP the car wash, TRUMP the beer, TRUMP the toliet paper and of course his most famous and biggest seller TRUMP the wig.
[edit] Playstation 3 the TRUMP Edition
Donald TRUMP's latest business venture is with the new Sony Playstation 3. TRUMP has since been very tight lipped about the project, but has recently had a press conference regarding the project. TRUMP has stated that the TRUMP Edition Playstation 3 will only be available in the New York metropolitan area, he has also stated that he will purposely short change all retailers to annoy customers just for the fun of it.
The Playstation 3 TRUMP Editon will be made of solid gold, feature the name TRUMP rather predominately on the cover and will come with a golden chain in the hopes of getting Hip Hop stars and various other Haters to wear it around their necks much like paying a homage to the notorious Flavor Flav. The PS3 will also have a shitty toupe.
