First Council of Nicaea
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The First Council of Nicea was convoked by the Roman emperor Constantine the "Look How Great I Am." It took place in, you know, a long fucking time ago, like centuries or more. Sometimes it's called the "First Cyanide of Nicea," because it kills heresey - dead!
[edit] Agenda of the Council
The Council was primarily concerned with two problems. First, whether Jesus and God used the same substances: While the general consensus was that they both loved the reefer, along with an occasional vodka tonic, the powerful Bishops of Pitiunt and NoVa argued that only the more youthful Jesus used the sticky icky, while the more respectable God preferred blow.
The second major problem was the Catholic heresey. The Catholics followed the teachings of Cathol, Jesus' younger step-sister from Virgin Mary's fourth husband. Cathol taught that Jesus was actually her younger brother, and also that God hated sex, despite the fact that he had mated with Virgin Mary, a total nympho.
The Council also dealt with a number of minor issues, such as self-castration (which was all the rage among teenagers at the time) and the NoVatianists (Christians from Northern Virginia who argued that the Nicene Creed was "too Southern").
[edit] Conclusions of the Council
The Council agreed that both Jesus and God were "total potheads" (οι τωταλ ποτχεδου in the original Greek) but also occasionally used other drugs. It also agreed that they preferred gin and tonics, not vodka tonics, as vodka tonics were "too faggy."
The Council agreed to compromise with the Catholics. Henceforth the Christians would call themselves "Catholics" (but see our article on the Reformation) and agree that God hated sex, but in return the originial Catholics had to agree that Jesus was the older child and that Cathol was very nice but "we know who got the brains in that family."
[edit] Nicene Creed
The Council also wrote a pithy summary of Christian belief commonly called the "Nicene Creed." Unfortunately, no copies of this document survive. This is believed to be the major factor leading to the huge number of Christian churches today that apparently disagree on everything.
The nicene Creed
We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that other gods are lame and don't exist. We believe the homosexuals are evil, so are Jews, Muslims and american indians. For us and for our salvation god came down from heaven, was incarnate of Micael Jackson and Britney Spears. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; To convert others to our ass-kicking religion and take war on the KKK, George Bush, Iraq, Israel, Pangans, Wiccas and other christian demoninations.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father [and the Son] the pope, We believe priests have the right to rape little boys, We believe in exorisising non-chrisitans and squrting holy water in their faces, To deliver them from evil. We believe nuns have superpowers and should always marry angels.
