First aid

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“Don't overdo it!”

~ Kratos Aurion on First Aid

First Aid, not to be confused with lemonaid, heath care for cafe owners, is like real medicine, but practiced by Old Mrs Jenkins in the school office, or by the woman next door who claims to have once been a nurse.

Although there are a number of first aid kits commercially available, these tend to only include optional extras, like bandages and plasters, and completely miss some of the more important items.

[edit] Some common conditions which can be treated with first aid

• Cuts

Small children often fall in the school playground, and completely remove the skin from one or more knees and elbows. Some people will tell you that the correct way to treat this is with a combination of sympathy, a brief clean up and a plaster. However in an attempt to stop them being so damn clumsy in future, this should be treated by applying antiseptic or better still disinfectant. Although this obviously stings more than being soundly trashed, you can increase your enjoyment by uttering the magic words "This will only hurt for a second"

• Broken Bones

Bones can easily be broken by tripping, slipping, falling, or gross stupidity. Common logic is to take the patient to hospital immediately, but this misses out the most important part of first aid. The patient should be given A Nice Cup of Tea as soon as possible, Tea of course being the most important missing item from the average first aid box.

• Burns

These fall into two categories, burns and scalds. A burn is what you get when you touch a hot object, for instance, the surface of the sun (in fact in a recent survey, 23.1% of all burns were caused by touching the surface of the sun, with another 0.7% caused by licking it. Remember, safety first). Scalded on the other hand is what you get if you're a naughty child living in the 1800's. Commonly this is treated by putting the burnt bit under cold water, or applying ice. However, a recent study has shown that frozen peas should always be applied to the burn, as peas have magic powers. Also A nice Cup of Tea should be given to the burnee as soon as possible.

• Muscle Strains

Overuse of muscles can cause a number of injuries, ranging from "a bit of a twinge" to full blown [[Banjo-string snappification]]. Commonly these are treated by applying either a "deep heat" style spray, or a "freezing spray". Applying both together however will cause the region to be both super heated and cooled rapidly, and may in some cases cause the whole of spacetime to fall into disarray and collapse. To avoid this, the use of sprays is discouraged, and the strainee should be given A Nice Cup of Tea at once. And possibly some frozen peas. As a quick note on prevention, in the case of Banjo-string snappification, a liberal amount of a deep heat spray should be applied to the area.

• Choking

When a person is choking, the air supply is restricted to the body, and death is only around the corner. Therefore is is vital that A Nice Cup of Tea is applied to the choker imediatly. However, as there is probably something lodged in the throat, it is vital that once the mouth is full of tea, a large plunger is used to force the tea into the stomach. If the chokee is an attractive member of the opposite sex however, the hymlich feel-up is occasionally used. In this manouvre, the chokee is firmly grabbed from behind. Often the shock of being felt up by some lonely spotty weirdo is enough to remove the obstruction.

• Electric Shock

Electric shock can often cause the electrics in a house to overload, causing the circuit breakers to cut out. This can make the making of A Nice Cup of Tea very difficult, and is the reason that the Firstaid Union of Central Kansas Environmental Research Society recommend that all qualified first aiders carry a thermos flask full of tea at all times. We recommend taking the advice of the FUCKERS at all times.

• Poisoning or Overdose

These connected problems are often treated by inducing vomiting in the posionee, or junkee-ee. There are many ways to induce vomiting, including pornography involving Margret Thatcher, Country and Westen Music, or being kissed by an old person, in their underwear, with no teeth in. Obviously, we do not condone the storage of old people, except in specially designed storage units, and old people die in hot cars. Therefore the standard first aid kit now contains a sealed picture of the former british PM, "casting her vote in the bollot box". After this the junkee-ee should be treated for shock. And possibly nightmares.

• Death

Death is often overlooked in first aid manuals. However, on suspecting that the person has ceased to be, they should have A Very Strong Cup Of Tea applied liberally. Possibly with a straw. Also, frozen peas may be applied to the genitals of the deathee, just to make sure they're not faking it.