Fish
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[edit] About The Fish
The fish is a small organism that can grow up to a very great size. The largest specimen ever discovered, the only known Obesitus lardtubitan, often simply called the "American's Fish", was found in 1979.
A fish's diet must be precisely maintained to ensure the fish's health. The only item needed by all fish every single day is one horny grandmother, easily found at a local Wal-Mart or Target; hence, the popularity of fish as love slaves. Fish usually also enjoy cookies, old cake, paper clips, and rabbit genitalia. Other recommended items include:
- Old gum stuck on the bottom of a flip-flop
- Keyboard keys slathered with mustard
- Chocolate
- Sunflower petals
- Shit
- Expensive cheeses
- Expensive stinky cheeses
- Expensive stinky cheeses from France or Germany
A groundbreaking study in 2365 revealed the inner thoughts of a fish. It was startling news. The results showed the fish only think -435% of the time, as opposed to the previously accepted amount of -434.99%. Scientists have been working around the clock for years trying to figure out what accounted for the massive error. A similar study on obese males in their late twenties has been reopened, in the hopes of discovering any new data there.
Fish are more intelligent then a person Mr. Fish. Mr. Fish (of species dousch bag) is an asskissing loser. He was the one to teach the fish how to rape but couldn't get his tiny little thing up. He is a complete loser and tries to make everyone like him. This is a complete failure however since no-one likes him. Nope...no one. Not even his wife. Yup you've guessed it I don't like him either.
Oh, and The Fish Will Get You In the End! yum yum smells
[edit] "Fish Are Bastards" controversy
Matt Damon has come under criticism from a number of pro-fish organizations for his controversial comments at the 2007 Academy Awards. Whist stumbling up the red carpet in a drunken stupor he told shocked reporters "I hate fish, they are all bastards". After this incident he issued a public apology, maintaining that "It was all a big joke", however he was still heavily criticized by many outraged fish. After the Academy Awards he was involved in a small scuffle with two times winner of Best Fish Actor or Actress, Fernando Menehez. Menehez told reporters "I know I overreacted but I just couldn't let such comments slide". In October of 2007 Matt Damon made a number of complaints to police about damage to his property including graffiti by fish still angry at the incident.
[edit] Trivia
- fish are actually the by product of racism
- a new species of fish was recently discovered called sushi
- recent studies make scientists believe that fish are a creature of the mold family
- Contrary to popular opinion, it is a myth that a Fish requires a bicycle for transportation. While bicycles are popular among certain schools of fish, vespas are far more convenient for the modern fish lifestyle.
- George Bernard Shaw pronounced 'fish' 'Ghoti', simply because he liked to be different. How much of a bastard was he?
- Contrary to popular opinion, fish do not, in fact, taste like chicken. They taste like puppy.
- The only country ever ruled by fish was the Sardinian Empire.
- A Fish once fronted the Prog Rock/Science Band Marillion. It was thrown out for being wet.
- David is a fish.
- My mother is a fish.
- Contrary to popular opinion, fish is NOT good for the brain, but slapping a wet fish across one's face helps with alertness.
- Until now no one know how a make fish with a dick the size of George Buxh's brain can make a girl fish have thousands of babies.
- Finnius is called 'the fishy one'.
- According to The Onion fish was the first human on the moon
- According to your oneth grade biology textbook fish breathe water. Seriously, look it up.
- Oscar Wilde's mother's father's fourth cousin isn't a fish?
- Fish have jills.
- Abe Vigoda was a fish
- I saw a fish once, but it flew away.
- Michial Jackson fucked a fish.
[edit] Global Conspiracy
There is an ancient legend about a water dwelling creature, called “fish”. It is not clear why and who created this myth, but in modern times it is heavily exploited by a world-wide global conspiracy group, let us call them THEY. THEY involve manufacturers and dealers of outdoor and fishing equipment, include traveling and transportation companies, entertainment industries, food and health corporations and so on. It engulfs our entire life. This billion dollars industry owes its existence on the simple premise that there is fish. The billion-dollar question is, is there fish? Are fish scared of bears? Here are my two-cents on the issue.
There are two kinds of fishermen: those who never catch and admit it, and those who never catch, but, ashamed probably, lie. The later constantly boast and brag about their experiences, they are the majority. I never caught anything, no matter how hard I tried. Until I realized the reason: There is no such thing. All is a grand illusion. Fairytales, legends, hear-say, gossips, rumors, myths, smoke and mirror. To sustain the illusion good advertisement is essential. A whole industry was created, consisting of magazines, radio and TV-programs, books, know-how workshops, competitions etc. The advancement of technologies made finally possible to support the legend by the means of electro-mechanical devices, able to float and propel in water, and shaped like the above-mentioned mythological creatures.
The natural question of the reader by now should be, what do we get, when we order fish in the store, or in the restaurant? THEY have thought of everything: What is served as “fish”, is simply flavored chicken meat. And priced accordingly. A cheaper, low quality product was introduced on the market, called “Chicken of the sea”. And if you think, that this is the top of their blatant arrogance, read further and decide for yourselves.
In Japan THEY introduced the myth of a delicious food, fudu. The chicken meat is spiced with exotic Japanese flavors. Allegedly, fudu is a “fish” with ball-shaped body, armored with spikes and slime that covers the entire body. The slime causes severe pain experience, if one’s finger is pierced by a spike. The mythical fudu is laced with deadly tetrodoxin poison, causing sometimes painful death to the person(s) who ate fudu. Fudu should only be prepared by skillful chefs, creating a convenient way to eliminate political enemies, while and loading the cook with the responsibility.
The invention of electricity and the advancement of technology allowed for the development of plastic electromechanical devices. They were shaped moved as the mythological fish is supposed to. They were exhibited in zoos, sold as pets, pictured in textbooks, used in movie industry, like “Jaws”, “Old Man And The Sea”, and “m8ju76ki7” to name a few. But ultimately, fish served as a proof of the very existence of this creature.
The early models, code named “electric eel” and “electric sting ray”, were so coarse, they were not meant to be touched or examined at a close range. For this purpose, the devices were covered with electro-conducting gel and supplied with high voltage coils, delivering up to 600 V shock to the unlucky and the curious. However, an alternative opinion exists, that the electric properties of the above devices was not a feature, but was due to improper insulation. We shall probably never know for sure. Gradually the fish-devices became more beautiful, smaller and agile. Most recent models, like Viperfish and Anglerfish feature light emitting diodes (LED), that flash periodically. LEDs turned the Viperfish and Angelfish into nice additions for every fish tank. Other electric models are sold in Wal-Mart under the name “Singing Bass”. Singing Bass is not supposed to be submerged and not expected to propel under water either, making it as complicated and as cheap as a Teddy bear.
The development of the chemical technology allowed to create fish, that can be baked and eaten. The skeleton is made of biodegradable polymers and is not to be consumed. The meat is very tender, and looks like chicken meat, cut into small peaces, and pressed together. The reason is that fish is exactly this: flavored peaces of poultry, pressed together. The real flavor does not really matter, as long as it is strong enough to disguise the chicken. After all, no one knows how the “real tuna” should smell and taste...
The electromechanical devices meant for sport fishing are quite expensive. The secrecy about fish must be protected strictly. For this purpose, the number of “fish” that can be caught and carried home is limited. This is why limits on the size and on daily catch were introduced. If the “fish” is smaller than the limit, it is supposed to be returned in the water immediately. If anyone tries to take it to the shore, he is expected by an employee of the agency, who controls the particular lake or river, dressed as park ranger, or Fishing and Gaming officer, ready to confiscate the “fish” and issue a fine. Everyone who claims to have caught “fish” has either won a promotional lottery, or is simply an officer of the above mentioned agency.
In older times, people were much more concerned and less naive. They did not like the idea of “fish”. When they did not believe something, they would say, “It smells fishy”. Unfortunately, we are turning more and more gullible. This is why, the people who run the global fish conspiracy have become so arrogant, careless and self-confident recently, they allow for leaks of information frequently. Examples include the “Chicken of the sea” and the “Singing BASS” sold in Wal-Mart, the “clown fish”, which sings and floats, sold in Toys Are Us, and the Euro-pro’s vacuum cleaner “Shark”. The computer part manufacturers are most careless. Examples include Cobian computer modems, Seagate’s “Barracuda” hard drive, Western Digital’s “Caviar”.
The latest disclosure of the "fish" myth came from the Russian news agency TASS. Kremlin has revealed that the Russian engineers have invented a radio-controlled "fish", designed to lead the fish population to breeding and feeding grounds in the Black See. C'mon, people! We already know the truth. It is more then obvious, that the "feeding and breeding grounds" are merely battery recharging stations.
[edit] ABBA and Fish
There have been several confliicts between ABBA and fish, but notably that one in Stolckholm in 1989 BC. This is the origin of the term Stockholm Syndrome. It is known that the blonde one that sings all the time, was walking down the street to meet that guy from ABBA that plays the piano all the time, and a giant fish just appeared on Stockholm High Street. Not knowing what to do, the woman proceeded to sing 'Lay All Your Fish on Me', and the giant fish, believed to be a herring, or possibly a swordfish, ran away in horror. It is later believed that this fish represented Lituania at the Eurovision Song Contest of 2005, almost beating that really rubbish British band that were a bit crap.
