Flaming asshole

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This article is about persons who are far more socially abrasive than your generic assholes. For other uses, see Flaming asshole (disambiguation).

“You've gotta admit we're pretty damn awesome.”

~ Oscar Wilde on flaming assholes

“Condi Rice isn't exactly one for gettin' crunk an' sportin' bling.”

~ A flaming asshole on Alabama

THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS ONE OR MORE WORDS OR PHRASES KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA
TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS AND OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM.

Warning: This will probably make no sense to you.
This article may be hilarious if you are familiar with whatever it pretends to explain, but otherwise you will probably have no idea what the hell is going on. If you can think of a way to make it more accessible, make it so.

A flaming asshole in full flame.

Flaming assholes are a specialized form of asshole. These people consider human life a garnish for their Caesar salads, usually consumed with plenty of dressing to cover up the blandness of most people. These people couldn't care less about you, your mom, or your Malaysian alter-ego who happens to like chocolate cake. In short, a flaming asshole is pure evil... only more so.

1 Origins
2 Properties
3 Theories on Motivation
4 Examples

[edit] Origins

The term "flaming asshole" originated at the meeting of george w bush' first presidency campaign when he was called a flaming asshole first used the word "flaming" to mean "incredible idiocy." From there it was only a short leap before his father also george bush appended the term "asshole" to "flaming," giving us the term we know and love today.

Example's of flaming assholes:

G W Bush
Adolf Hitler
Pol Pot
the French
Amy Whinehouse
Stalin
Bradford City Fans
Sadam Hussien
The spice Girls

[edit] Properties

Flaming assholes have an event horizon of radius 15 meters. Outside this range, the average person is unaware that a flaming asshole is in the vicinity. However, within the event horizon, not even light, hope, or bad news (which is known to travel faster than light) can escape. In fact, a recent study showed that the average flaming asshole had engulfed 5.3 innocent bystanders before assimilating the researchers.

Once one has passed the event horizon of a flaming asshole, there are four possible outcomes. The first and most common is that a person falls in and is immediately destroyed by waves of psychotic, sadistic cynicism. In a second, less common result, a person travels completely through the flaming asshole and is ejected into an alternate reality where up is down, left is right, and the toast never lands butter-side-up. In a third and even less common outcome, the bystander bursts into flame and, like a phoenix rising from ashes, is sucked into the flaming asshole as in the first case.

In the fourth, final, and infinitely improbable outcome, the person's density, mass, and sadism match that of the flaming asshole and cause the person to explode away as a brand new flaming asshole. This has only occurred once in recorded history, but Lenin could never live it down since his spawned flaming asshole, Stalin, became even more of a flaming asshole than Lenin ever was.

In some cases, persons with normal levels of assholery can be transformed temporarily into flaming assholes because God is entertained by bouts of stupidity. The number-one occurrence of this phenomenon is in customer-supplier relationships, except in California where it is surpassed by automobile drivers.

[edit] Theories on Motivation

Contrary to popular belief, one flaming asshole is not equal to another. It is generally accept that while most flaming assholes exhibit their assholery purely for pleasure, many others do so for other reasons. What these "other reasons" are, exactly, is the subject of much debate among asshole specialists. Quite a few suggest mere ignorance is to blame, while others (who tend to be assholes in their own rights) subscribe to theories involving aliens and/ or Satan.