Fartium
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“Unless we can all reduce our Fartium emmissions by 2020 the whole planet will smell of rotten eggs.â€
~ Al Gore on Fartium
Farting creates a whole new element, element number 34, Fartium (Periodic Table abbrv: Ft34). Atomic mass, 256.1045, group 7, with 7 valence electrons. Its three states are gas, follow through (solid) and beer fart (liquid).
There are many techniques for farting, but it has been proven that Swirlage is the most effective.
Farting is a practice used by many to relieve tension AND stress and usually just to annoy the hell out of people. Farting is a safer alternative to an Atomic Bomb. People who fart loudly and proudly are the people who like to hear other people fart.
Farting is also used frequently by dogs, in addition to annoying teachers, that girl who sits next to you in Bio (which you secretly fancy), and passengers on a plane. Farting is used in perfumes, wars, and weapons. In fact, the Germans were one of the first to use it in war. Yellow mustard gas is actually a stink bomb gone wrong. One of the most lethal is called the Queef which is a fart from the female sex organ. You can also fart to play music, or to relax on a hot day.
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[edit] History
Farts were created by Alexander Graham Bell during the Cha-Ching Dynasty as a gift to Emperor Gassalot. After numerous test runs, people decided that farting would be the Dynasties national past time. The farting spread across the kingdom. Unfortunately, someone lit a match, causing a massive explosion that killed everyone in the kingdom, except Jesus, who looked down and said "Jesus Christ!, Who farted?"
Farts also were an early free form anaesthetic well known to the Continental European Tribes although considered uncivilised by the Greeks and Romans.
The practice was revived by Florence Nightingale (Known as Flatulence in the medical profession) much to the distress of her family who disapproved of her sitting on visitors faces and putting them out as a demonstration, she and a team of volunteer nurses put the technique into practice during the Crimean War and also as a method of keeping patients warm when blankets were short.
However, during her time at Scutari, the death rate did not drop; on the contrary, it began to rise and she soon realised that some of the other nurses were overproducing fartium and killing the patients, she then developed The Fartium Test which nurses could use to determine the potency of their farts. The techniques were documented in Grays Anatomy.
In the late 1880's bottled Fartium was introduced reducing problems of Red Nose Syndrome caused by weight pressing down and heat, for cost reasons or simple sadism many practitioners continued using their own supplies.
In the 20th century though Fartium as an anaesthetic (injections mostly replacing fartium except among some rogue dentists) was abandoned mostly in the Developed World except in an emergency, it is still extensively used in Old Folks Homes though controversially sometimes as a means of keeping them quiet, as a means of saving money some western hospitals have been beginning to revert to the practice though recently, in addition Police andd other Emergency Services around the world are now realising the potential uses of Fartium - in the UK and US it is now routine for Police to carry tins of beans and popcorn with them as well as donuts.
The greatest Fart King is "BLACKY" who is a senior executive in a MNC and thinks he can stop all his employees from moving out of his department by farting on their faces. He is on the verge of completion of a book " The Art Of Fart " . So far his success rate is 98% in farting and stopping his people. However he has targeted the people who tolerated his fart but still ran away from him, and he hopes one day he can Fart them back to his land.
[edit] Fart to your arse's content
Many "enlightened" folk will tell you that farting is the cause of something to do with the digestive system, that pizza you ate last week, and the commercial that's playing right now on channel 76 (incidentally and quite significantly, that's the food channel for some TVs). This is wrong. Farting is the cause of aliens taking over the world.
Turns out Mexicans aren't the only ones farting to this country. Aliens from Puerto Rico are the cause of farting. They, because of their latino-ness, cause farting. If beaners were latino, they'd cause massive amounts of farting, no doubt contributing to global warming, the melting of ice caps, and Oprah. The reason beaners aren't latino is quite simple. The popular phrase "Too close to the U.S.A, too far from God" more or less explains it all.
[edit] Fart in science!
In physics, a fart is anything that can cause a massive body to accelerate. It may be experienced as a lift, a push, or a pull. The acceleration of the body is proportional to the vector sum of all farts acting on it (known as net fart or resultant fart). In an extended body, a fart may also cause rotation, deformation, or an increase in pressure for the body. Rotational effects are determined by the torques, while deformation and pressure are determined by the stresses that the fart create.
Net fart is mathematically equal to the rate of change of the momentum of the body. Since momentum is a vector quantity (has both a magnitude and direction), a fart also is a vector quantity.
[edit] Fart Combustion
Fartium is highly inflamable. Igniting farts, also known as fart combustion or pyroflatulation, is practiced by as a sacred ritual by various religions, including Christianity. It is also a sacred thing to do in Iran. It is also the leading method of cow arson, in which case careful consideration should be made of the cow's radius and distance from FSE (the fart singularity epicenter).
[edit] How to light your farts
It is possible to ignite one's own farts but it is best done with the help of a "spotter". Once you have consumed a meal guaranteed to cause gas, sit on a hard chair. When you feel a fart coming you should grasp the chair firmly with both hands and pull the chair towards your ass until the feeling subsides. This step is to contain as much gas in your bowels as possible before ignition. Once you feel you can not possibly contain any more gas in your bowels, stand up and remove any pants, underwear, skirts, kilts, shirts, brassieres, condoms, or other flammable items from your lower half. If it's cold out you can keep your socks on. Not necessarily on your feet though. Sit on a lazy boy. Have your spotter get ready with a Zippo lighter. Other lighters that run on butane burn much too hot for this to work. A propane torch or Bunsen burner may also be used. Once your spotter is ready, recline the chair, then grab your ankles and hoist your legs up above your chest. This should point your anus up, allowing the gas to be expelled rapidly and mix with the oxygen in the surrounding air. Your spotter should then hold the flame as close as possible to your anus without burning you. If your spotter burns you, yell. Once the flame is in position, clenching your abdominal muscles should force an ass cheek slapper out. It should mix with the air and ignite. If you've done this properly, a largish orange green fireball should appear and immediately dissipate and detonate in the radial size of a nuke. The feeling experienced is akin to throwing eggshells at a pornstar.
[edit] Bollywood
Bollywood have announced that in line with recent trends following on from other remakes of Hollywood films that a new film based on a combination of Blazing Saddles, Caddyshack and Fart the Movie; starring Aishwarya Rai (Playing Smells Patel), Amrita Rao (as Paad Rani) and Abishek Bachchan (Playing Harinder Butt) in which a Bollywood fan who spends all his time watching Indian TV and Bollywood and farting sees two women appearing in Farting competitions and films on every channel, naturally he is horrified especially when he ends up in their world and the two women challenge each other to a flatulence tournament - Beans, Gambling and Bhangra, you'll love it. Sholay with femmes fatales and gas.
[edit] Farting for Jesus
With the new popularity of farting it was only a matter of time before Liberal Evangelical churches cottoned on and before too long some Episcopalian and Methodist churches and elements in the Church of England introduced Fartium services. Pentecostal Churches are joining them, especially the new Speaking With Bottoms Pentecostal Five Star Ass Blast Alliance.
[edit] Celebrity Fartium
And it was never going to be that long before ITV got in on the act with Celebrity Flatulence and the even more popular Celebrity Catfighting and Farting, the first of which after spending a week on a remote island eating beans celebrities must compete flatulently with the last one remaining after the others having been voted out winning, in the latter to win it is necessary to sit on the face or chest of your opponent and fart audibly for at least 5 seconds.
[edit] Retarded Table of the Elements
The retarded table of the elements is one of the few element lists that acknowledges Fartium's status as an element, other element lists classifying it as a compound, a mixture, or even a bodily function.
[edit] Farting Places
There are several places one enjoy himself, with his little farts. As stated above, the elevator is one of them. One of the nastiest farts you can pull of in the elevator, is that you release the right before the door of the elevator closes. That way, the people are trapped in the elevator, together with your little fart.
Another way of releasing ones odor is at the bus stop. If you're alone, there's no problem. It's more difficult to get away with it if there are many people there. you have two choices: go to a grandma, and let it out! If it's windy, it's simpler. You just have to let the smell be carried away into the freedom. But be careful, if there's a child near your ass - he may be your victim.
If you're in a room where the air is really bad, and there are no air fresheners - don't be afraid to let it out. You'll do everyone in the room a favor. Soon there will be a nice fragrance of your's only - the fart smell.
[edit] Disguised Farts
Many times one particular scenario happens. To be brief, one person perfectly disguises a fart and aims it with such precision, the farter will never get blamed. The fartee will suffer from what we know as W.T.F.I.T.S.S. also know as: What the F*ck is that smell?! Syndrome. This will happen often and will need instant inspection. Usually the guys are the ones who release those methane gas bombs, which contain extreme amounts of the element Fartium, recently explained.
This list has been created for any rising detectives on any fart cases.
- Look at who smelled the fart first
In that general direction your culprit will be doing one of the following:
- Talking too much, or too little.
- Has an uncomfortable expression on their face or is laughing.
- Inspect gender (usually men are the ones who fart, but here is a little known fact: Women have another element other than Fartium in their farts, they release an estrogenical gas which diverts men's attention to other men).
Those who dislike those who are unjust will do everything they can to protect the fartee.
[edit] See also
- HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
- Farting
- Flatulence
- Queef
- Fart fetishism
- Fart Physics
- F.A.R.T.
- Latin honors -The honors program with distinction in farting.
- Nickelodeon
- HowTo:Fart without anyone knowing it
- Terrance and Phillip
