Fleetwood Tribal Church
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“Jesus died for MY sins? I'll fight em! I'll ruff em up! Leme at em!”
~ Scrappy Doo on Jesus
“Thar she blows!”
~ Jack Hannah on Larry King Live
“Don't misunderestimate my intelligence.”
~ George Bush on why he should be God
“Buy my #$%&@*@ grill...NOW!.”
~ George Foreman on He needs more money
“Since when was I president?”
~ George Bush on Explaining all of those problems
Fleetwood Tribal Church is located in Fleetwood, Reservationishistic Russia with Soviet Brazil (aka Antarticta). The church consists of 349 cardboard (of the cheapest quality of course) boxes. The church has 3.14 thousand members, 352 cats, 39 chiwawas from Taco Bell, and 23492 Chinese illegal immigrants from Canada, which are eaten for their post-church service snacks. The pastor, Jon Trivolta and Assistant pastor Tom Crius continue to lead services, even though they have never set foot in the church. Fleetwood Bible Church is the only Gay Church on our planet (though some are trying to move it), the next closest one is <insert large number here> miles away, on Mercury. If by chance you happen to be in this church during a service, they offer you a one way ticket to visit the other church, but with NO REFUNDS (bastards!)
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
The church is known as a religious sect, which sacrifices small mammals to the God called President Bush. If by chance you pass by the church during a ceremony, don't accept any sushi. The church does everything in its power to worship the Bush God. They readily accept donations to help with this cause, which are forced on them by the Republicans. In addition to that, they also have a GINORMOUS grudge against Apple Computer. With Bill Gates (the ultimate nerd) and Bush God on their side they plan to take over the world one sushi bar at a time.
During the winter months, the church sends members to break into local schools to steal paper for heat. In the summer, the congregation meets at 5:14:23 AM in some other random church (without their knowledge) because the heat and stench of the cardboard boxes becomes unbearable with all of those dogs.
[edit] What is the Fleetwood Bible Church?
- The Church's god is The Bush God and the super nerd-semi-god Gosh.
- A building to hide paedophiles in.
- Drug ring cover up, such as midgets in a bar.
- A tax scam, such as Scientology.
- A herd of easily led people, like zombies.
- A strip club where the wives don't expect a thing.
- Anything with a steeple attached.
- A place that will control you, with drugs like marijuana.
- A sanctuary that makes Baby Jesus cry.
- A place to have large bowel movements, because of the drugs, like marijuana or crack.
- A temple of eternal bliss where monkeys are raped daily.
[edit] History and Future
[edit] Early history of Fleetwood Bible Church
Fleetwood Bible Church was created in 3292 A.D. with the help of Moses and George Bush. Together they formulated a plan, along with FOX News to take over the world. Early on, they had problems with Native Americans, who just wanted peace on Earth. George Bush eventually agreed with the indians, and decided that they could help him rule the world. Together, they joined forces and created the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs became the driving force behind taking over the world. The main mission for the dinos was to eat everyone who did not believe Bush was the real ruler of all.
Since that time, the church has been operating out of Fleetwood. Due to all of the negative publicity it gets from CNN, the church denies any coexistance between Bush and Dinosaurs. The church says it does not believe in evolution, even though they have witnessed it.
[edit] Future Plans
Pastor John Trivolta has announced plans to reattempt the takeover of the Taco Bell food chain. Using saphisotcated anti-sane people seeking technology, probably developed by Bill Gates, they plan to take over the food chain, starting in Communist Mexico. From there, they plan on taking over the Philadelphia Zoo and putting in a Taco Bell. After taking over the zoo, they plan on using the elephants' poo for taco meat in their effort to take over the rest of the Taco Bells. After their Taco Domination is complete, they plan to settle down and have the first Thanksgiving dinner with the pilgrims, provided by Taco Bell.
[edit] Qualifications for joining this cult
- You must be one damn ignorant idiot.
- You must believe President Bush is the supreme ruler of all.
- You must be a super geek, though not on the level of Bill Gates, for that is impossible.
- You must be at least bisexual, homosexual prefered.
- You must help in the mission to take over the world.
- You must donate your lives savings to the "Apple Computers Suck Microsoft Rules" fund.
- You must make a weekly donation of marijuana.
- Finally, you must pass the "Am I as stupid as I look?" test.
[edit] How to find Fleetwood Tribal Church
As you know, Fleetwood Bible Church is located in Fleetwood, Reservationishistic Russia. Due to the high amount of old people from Florida who visit Reservationishistic Russia during the winter for warmer weather, the church has been well hidden (and old people proofed; they have no tapioca pudding!). As a result, it may be hard to find the church. Never fear. We are hear for you. When you get to Reservationishistic Russia, be sure to visit the restaruants, for they have great ca- err, pork. Anyway, the church is located in the city of Ragaskargaevolutionarlkaguexistsamgaeridiotargagagagagaga, which is located in Northern Reservationishistic Russia. Due to this, be sure to bring your swimming suit if you visit from December to March. The church is well hidden behind numerous fields of plants (drugs!). Watch out! Located inside of this field are numerous landmines, which have killed many stray chipmunks so far. Eat peppers and beans (if you do not like them...Too Bad!) because members of the church retreat at the smell of your inards at work. To get to the church itself, you must bring cat for entry. To find the church, you must ask the local hermit. He will give you directions, on one condition. You need to sacrifice one finger. Once you enter the church, you are on your own. Even the Navy Seals refuse to enter.
[edit] Church services
Typical church services are held on Thursdays. On average the services last three to four days, though they can last longer. Special services can last up to 39 weeks. During the service, marijuanna is distributed at the beginning, so people can stand the service. Watch out, because it is strong stuff! They collect offering 23 seconds later so be ready. If you do not bring money, you are expected to put your soul into the collection dish. If you are a soulless lowlife, TOO BAD. The seats in the church are made of Emenoepowei, the hardest mineral known to mankind, of course, all of this is meant to improve comfort for you. Upon request, you can get earplugs free of charge. The music at the services usually consists of funeral music and the theme song for Rush Limbaugh's radio show.
[edit] Youth Center
Fleetwood Youth Center is located in downtown Fleetwood. The center is meant for youth, or so they say. The center has been busted many times for dealing drugs from its prime location in downtown. Youth learn many things at the center. Whether it is how to defend yourself from rain drops, or how to kill a blade of grass, they offer many educational courses. The youth center offers karate!, and self defense clases to any kid without muscles and who is a wimpy little girly person. The karate! course is fun because kids learn how to break toothpicks with their bare hands!
The karate! classes are offered to anybody free of charge. During the typical class, you learn many useless facts but hey, at least you learn something. One lesson teaches students how to use pepper spray.
- Remove spray can from holster.
- Remove cap.
- Aim hole toward your eyes.
- Spray until desired effect recieved. (Note: we do not take any responsibility for your death if you try this)
[edit] Controversy
Many rumors and tales surround Fleetwood Bible Church and Fleetwood Youth Center. The people of Fleetwood who have not been brainwashed, insist that the church does many religious sacrifices, especially cats. Residents claim cats and other small mammals they call "pets" disappear from their yards and never return. This has never been proved, though the town has stopped collecting trash due to skeletal remains contained in the trash. The Fleetwood Police Department maintains that none of this occurs, though everybody on the police force is a member of the church.
The Fleetwood Youth Center has it's fair share of rumors too. It has been alleged that the youth center opperates as a training ground for young kids to become sumo wrestlers. This would not be a problem, except that kids who undergo this education never return home and are lost forever. It has been alleged that anybody who enters the center will never exit. This has not been proven, because the police chief went to check it out for himself, and for some reason does not answer any of his phones any more.
[edit] Zombie Central - Live Feed from the boiler room
The boiler room A.K.A. the graveyard houses many zombies, infact they all come from here. The members of the church just throw all the corpses in the furnace and run for their lives so no zombies get them. Once a week they must make a live human sacrifice to keep the zombies at bay. All the zombies have burnt flesh so they smell really bad and its almost impossible to breath while around them. After every church service they are let loose to terarise people leaving the service. They also patrol the drug fields around the church to make sure no hippies get near them. When a hippy is spotted it is usually to stoned to know what the hells going on so he laughs as he is eatin alive. The one supreme ruler of the zombies is Donald Trump, they follow his every command. When ever one the zombies is destoyed, by romoving the head or destroying the brain, he dies a little bit on the inside. He can do this even though he sold his soul to Satin and thats why his hair is the way it is.
[edit] Leadership & History
The church was originally founded by president Bill Clinton in 1809. Since it was against the law to rape or fuck people anywhere they wish to do so, Clinton had developed this cult. The leader of this cult is allways changing because of cock fights. The status of the cult member is by the height, lenght, and endurance of the men's cocks determine wether how many women they can fuck at a time. The cock fights are simple, first the wife of the two men let them shove it up their ass to get an erection. Then, they stab each other with their cocks until one of the two of them have their cocks fall off. Note that it takes many days to win and gets very ugly. The man that wins is then picked as the leader of the cult. Beware most of the men that lose a cock fight end up with amputations or cannot ever again fight in another cock fight. The loser is usually shamed to death by depression. On the alter of the church worship hall, they have a huge, solid, gold cock (20 ft by 30 ft), so they can worship it by licking or kissing of the cock. They believe that a god came to this earth and made everyone on earth, but he had been ashamed to what we turned out to look like, so he ripped of his own cock so he could not make anymore mistakes like he did on us. He felt so bad that he gave his cock to this same church or cult so that they can remember what he done for them.
[edit] Fun Facts
- Every member has been brainwashed.
- Every Christmas the members get crowbars and break into peoples houses when they are opening their presents. At this time they burn the presents, sodomise and kill the adults, and kidnap the children so they can be converted.
- Also, they burn orphanages on Christmas Eve.
- Every member has bladder issues.
- Bush is the supreme ruler of the church
- Sunday school is held on Tuesday.
- The supreme court justices live in the downstairs bathroom.
- The Pope punched a hole in the wall during an argument with Tom Cruise. (the hole is still there
