Flesh Gordon
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Flesh Gordon (b.1926) is the randiest man in the Galaxy and a rip-off of Flash Gordon. He's best known for his role as a sex-mad pervert in Army Hygiene films.
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[edit] Birth
Born as the son of Prof. Gordon, world-renowned scientist in the area of Anal Behaviour, Flesh grew up with a dick like a dinosaur, and couldn't even go into a pet shop without a chaperone, in case he started knobbing the parakeets.
[edit] Education
Educated at Nomercy High School in South Carolina, Flesh's image at school was not that of an all-American quarterback like Flash, but as a pervert. Because of this flaw, he became the star pupil and praised constantly by his Principal.
After graduating with a Diploma in Gynaecology, Flesh became a hockey-player to The Mighty Ducks, who went on to win the semi-finals in St. Canard, Calisota in 1933 with Flesh as a successful defence. Over the coming years, Flesh would be instrumental in winning several games against several Calisotan teams, although the reason in largely because the webbed-feet of the challenging teams couldn't grip well on the ice.
[edit] Adventures
In events that occurred simultaneously with Flash Gordons' trip to China, Flesh travelled to Tibet as part of the Ice-Hockey Playoffs of 1935. While there, he met prostitute Dale Ardor, who was the love-toy of German inventor Dr. Flexi Jerkoff. At that time, Jerkoff had just invented a Gammanucleosubatomicbiostratosphererocketship, (in other words, a Flying Dick) and was testing it on a small runway at an abandoned airport, where they were taken prisoner by Wang the Perverted.
After a group orgy, Wang died of exhaustion and Flesh escaped with his friends, only to be confronted by Wangs' henchmen, the Knobheads. Fighting their way out, Flesh arrived at the American Embassay in time to see it wiped out of existence by a Sex Ray invented by Wang before his death. The Embassay was not actually destroyed, but the ray had caused a craze among the diplomats that prevented any further action from being taken.
Heading back to the Flying Dick, Flesh used the Spunk-Cannon to destroy the Sex Ray and bring Tibet to peace once more. Afterward, Tibet was left in turmoil when Prince Precious, a homicidal madman, came to the throne and wiped out what he conceived as "perverts and fornicators", unaware of the presence of the Sex Ray. As a result, the great purges of Precious resulted in a massive slaughter that wiped out 4% of Tibets' population.
[edit] Further Adventures
Whilst Flash has tried to settle down, Flesh has continued to hold sexual orgies across the Galaxy, of which Bugs Bunny was a frequent participant with Lindsay Lohan before his death. Flesh has also resumed his hockey-playing and helped to win in a quarter-final match against Goosetown.
Flesh's likeness, however, has been used in a number of films since the 1970's, as the American government were reluctant to use a sex-crazed hero in a space-serial (as proved by a sneering letter from Kelloggs on display in the Natural History Museum):
- Flesh Gordon (1974)
- The Perils of Flesh (1975)
- Fritz the Cat (1976) - Flesh's lusts helped to inspire the main characters' own sex-madness
- Emmanuelle (1977)
- Emmanuelle 2 (1979)
- Emmanuelle 3 (1982)
- Emmanuelle Gets a Real Job (1985)
- Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders (1989)
- Flesh Gordon on Porno (1992)
- Flesh Gordon Meats Minerva Mink (2003)
- Flesh Gordon and the planet of Nymphomaniacs (2007)
