Influenza

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The word "Influenza" (plural, influenzi), more commonly known by its clever nickname, the "flu", is a disorder originating from the orient which commonly refers to an illness caused by any of many different strains of ignorant assholes whose complete lack of manners and breeding results in the spasmotic coughing and sneezing of their contagion amongst innocent Walmart and Target shoppers worldwide. As a result, the evolving strains in question have adapted, even mutated into the only shopping cart and toilet seat contaminants capable of thriving in temperatures above 175 degrees F and below 45 F for 3 consecutive weeks in the average work/shopping environment.

[edit] seasonal flu

All of the time, on TV, in some countries behind the iron curtain, or possibly Australia, but especially Mediocre Britain, the flu associations advertise about the "Dangers" Of the seasonal flu. This stereotypical conditioning convinces the general public that the seasonal Flu is a life-threatening condition, when in fact, the seasonal flu is not life-threatening. Just because a few hundred thousand elderly people die from it doesn't make it life-threatening. 99% of patients recover without hospital care. But the Flu organization wants your DOUGH!!! If you meet people who think Seasonal flu is deadly, Run away!! And throw a Frank Sinatra album at them. This way, you will not catch their life-threatening Gullible cluelessness. If you yourself think the Seasonal flu is commonly deadly, you're a gullible stereotype yourself. I'm sorry. Have a fried egg over easy. Feel better?? Good, but... The undercooked egg is actually a clump of Super Salmonella!! AHHH!! Ha Ha!! I got you, Gullible dude!!

[edit] Origin of the perpetual Propagation

Most flu viruses consist of a combination of asian flu virus genes and usually some fucking asshole virus genes. Both the FA2N2 and AH3N2 anemic strains contain genes from McDonalds drive-thru windows. The new subtypes have arisen in cashiers coinfected with broiler-fryer and human viruses and are known for their almost instantaneous transferral to humans.

Although parking lots are considered the original "intermediate host" for influenza, because of their endemic virus laden mounds of steaming tobacco wads, the immediate host is in fact, uninvited in-laws who descend upon unsuspecting hosts every year during the holidays in droves of thousands, visiting people who, if truth be told, would wish them dead, thus ensuring the thriving species of flu bugs for centuries to come. Scientists, afraid of being labeled atheist or antisemetic have always known that if the holidays were to be cancelled for 3 consecutive years, the flu bug would be eradicated for once and for all.

[edit] Clinical features

Although the "flu" usually becomes evident three to seven days after exposure, most people know with pinpoint accuracy exactly which snivelling, sneezing asshole infected them and ruined their life for the last three weeks of January 2007. Savvy workplace employees who know the ropes of getting ahead inherently know never to admit to illness. These employees of the month are the ones who never come down with the cold or flu, oh hell no. They suffer from "seasonal allergies" or "food poisoning" while everyone around them is dying of the black plague. This tactic is amazingly effective even when carried out during consecutive flu seasons. Somehow no one ever figures out that typhoid mary is actually receptionist Mary who comes down with dust mite allergies every year at the height of flu season. Fucking asshole bitch.

[edit] Signs and Symptoms

While the initial signs of seasonal flu are a desire to be dead, temperatures ranging from -20F to 180 F, hallucinations involving giant grasshoppers and chinese leperchauns, and bed bruises and burns caused from laying in the bed for 40 days straight, also losing 20 pounds a week and never eating any foods again which remind you of pre and post flu season, most people recover and are back to themselves by the spring of the following year.

[edit] Fun Facts

Your mother has influenza. Yes.

influenzi eat noseberries, iPods, train tickets, and most things you hold dear. There are too many species of influenza in the world, as they all deserve to be shot.

Influenzi tend to use chopsticks to fly, flapping them as fast as they can. This doesn't work too well, as you can see, so they use public transportation. An influenza on a bus are one of the world's worst sights, second only to puppy raping. King Guyman von Persondood's famous photographs of influenza on buses inspired the design of the first vomit-inducing devices.

Influenzi were once thought to be monogamous, but in fact cannot even attract another influenza. They reproduce through the making of bad puns about other people and staring angrily when you don't laugh.

There are no pictures of influenzi available on the internet, as te internet would commit suicide if there were.

[edit] Species

• Family Birdy
  • Genus Badbirdy
    • Common Influenza (Badbirdy worthless)
    • Ex Tralo Ud Influenza (Badbirdy Reallyworthless)
  • Genus Worsebirdy
    • Menta Lagony, Worsebirdy Awfullness
  • Related
    • Co-worker, Pleasus Shutuppus

[edit] The extinction of Influenza

No, influenza are not becoming extinct. But here are a few things we think you should consider if one lives nearby.

• Joining the NRA
• Carrying a katana or other large, sharp object
• The fine art of rake weilding
• Wear a rubber suit that's labeled: "Ifluenza" while holding chopsticks. Then, get the police to shoot you

[edit] External links

Nothing here. We destroyed all the links, mainly because they burned our eyes.