Fly agaric
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Amanita cafeteria, commonly called fly agaric or less often smurf's mushroom, is a fungus that sprouts from the forest floor. The nickname Smurf's mushroom comes from the little blue creatures that carve out homes in the bulbous base of Fly Agaric mushrooms. These charming but foul-tempered little creatures are just one of the many organisms who benefit from this fungus.
The Fly Agaric is the original white-spotted red toadstool, and it is one of the most aromatic sweet and delicious mushrooms available on the world market. The culinary trade treasures this fungus because it is so easy to cook with, and it makes meat that is about to turn rotten taste great again. As Betty Crocker says, "Now that's a money-saver!". Amalita cafeteria is also famed for its flour-like properties: after it has been dried and powdered it forms a fine white starchy flour which can be used in baking or in cosmetics. This flour had a religious significance in Eskimo culture and possibly ancient Indiana and Scandinavia. Since medieval times it has been used in cookies or as for making gravy for hungry soldiers whose turkey was too dry...and therefore needed a little gravy. It is said by Scandinavians to be so good it's addictive, whether served in food or drink. But there is also mystery to this fungi. Nobody remembers what it tastes like.
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[edit] Identification
Due to the size, odor and color of Fly Agarics they are easy to spot. They have a fat stem, usually with little doors and windows in it. The cap is bigger around than the stem and it usually has a chimney protruding out the top of it. Even though there are dozens of differently colored Fly Agarics, ranging across the spectrum in color from deep red, (pictured below) to orange, to pale yellow, Though some closely related mushrooms which look very similar to the Fly Agaric are actually heavily poisonous and is the most common reason for death due to fungi consumption. Native river folk find Fly agarics simply by listening for the soothing songs of the Smurfs who live inside them. Most people think of fly agarics as a audible hallucinatory drug.
[edit] Common Recipes
Fly Agaric Cookies
Dessert recipe
- 2 lbs. fresh Fly Agaric mushrooms
- 1/2 cup mayonnaise
- 5 clove cigarettes
- 1/2 lb. rock salt
- 1 lb sugar
- 12 oz. jar maple syrup
You must first check to make sure you do not have smurfs clinging to your mushrooms, as they ruin the taste. If there are any Smurfs in the stem, remove them and pop them in a jar for pickling. Then chop the mushrooms into little pieces. Toss them in a pan with the clove cigarettes and put them over high heat; while those are scorching mix the sugar and rock salt into a bowl and stir, take the scorched mushrooms and mix those into the bowl, stirring until cooled to room temperature then add the syrup, form into cookie shapes, slather with mayonnaise and serve. Bon appetite. Makes about two dozen cookies.
Urine Sample
mixed drink
- 1 can of Red Bull (or Redrum)
- 4 oz. of tequila
Easy. Mix together and chug.
Holy Mary Mother of Gravy
food topping
- 1 lb. of powdered mushrooms
- 1 lb. of mayonnaise
- 3 sticks of butter
Melt the 3 sticks of butter in a frying pan. Then add the mayonnaise, mix it together and finally add the powdered mushrooms let it set for a few minutes before serving. Serves three.
[edit] Other Uses for Fly Agaric
Riverfolk of the Cincinnati area feed the mushrooms to their pet dogs; when the dogs urinate the river folk collect the urine and drink it. They claim it gives them wings. Using this idea an Austrian beverage company has made a popular energy drink "Red Bull". Part of the drink's success may be due to the chemical nitrous oxide or Nos, which is found in dog urine after ingesting the mushrooms.Some cultures have even fermented the urine, making a type of brew called green tea also there is evidence that Adolph Hitler drank a substance called vitamultin, which is similar to Red Bull. For the last few years people have claimed it helps them get in touch with the Holy Spirit. The government of Canada is currently looking into creating a bomb which will explode into an enormous Fly Agaric mushroom cloud
[edit] Active Chemical
It's not that little is known about the chemical Nos. It's just that not many people care. Other than Vin Diesel(the famous Hollywood actor with only one facial expression), the only other person who cares is Timothy Leary. Leary was the first scientist to artificially produce Nos. He was hired by the movie industry to produce an energy drink that would keep cameramen awake for at least seventy-two hours so that they could shoot movies in less time, thus saving money. As Martin Scorese says, "Now that's a money-saver!". But unfortunately Leary's product became more popular in motor carriage racing. Drivers would simply pour the drink directly into their gas tanks, thus increasing horsepower. Some medical professionals use Nos to try to understand Phish music so that they may better understand why hippies love the mushrooms so much.
