Food pyramid
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“Those dirty evolutionists are at it once again! Wait, is that chedder cheese at the top?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Food Pyramid
In nutrition, the food pyramid is a hypothetical dietary paradigm promulgated by godless evolutionists and the United States Foodstuff and Druggist Administration.
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[edit] Historical Background
Way back in 1944, while working on the Manhattan Project, the noted physicist (and part-time busboy) Murray Gell-Mann tried to apply group theory and the spanking-new laws of quantum cheddardynamics to the strange science of nutrition. His proposed theory, the Four Food Groups in SU(4), met with dismal failure, so he shot himself.
[edit] Historical Foreground
After years of much head scratching and soul searching and therapeutic wanking and high-energy cooking experiments, the physics community finally settled on a highly abstract 17-dimensional pyramidal structure that successfully incorporated all known foods and condiments. As an unexpected bonus, the super-symmetric model also predicted an additional 131,072 previously unknown resonances of pasta, of which at least a few should be reproducible in today's largest and most expensive Italian restaurants.
[edit] Historical High-ground
On April 19, 2005, the Bush Administration syphoned alarming quantities of funds from NASA, AIG, the Department of Homeland Security, the CIA, the FDIC, the DEA, the FBI, and Laura's petty cash drawer in order to print billions and billions of multicoloured stickers of a dumbed-down depiction of the pyramid with an emaciated male stick figure humping it for some undetermined reason. By federal law, the stickers will be placed on all packages of food and food-by-products in the nation, along with a generalised disclaimer that the Theory of Nutrition is just a theory, and not to be misconstrued as established fact.
