Football
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This article is about a fantastic British (but known better in Mexico. Take that, Anglos!) invention who's name was stolen by Americans and changed to "soccer" because they were unable to think of a name for their own sport. For the stolen American version, click here.
“You sholl looks purty in dem der shawrts looking at that ass”
~ Perverted, country, hick HOMO-saphein on Football del Sucko
“Football is a fucking poor excuse to slap a man on the ass”
~ Kevin Tessier on Football
“I say, how are you ever supposed to throw the ball with your foot!”
~ Brit on Football
“It's soccer to the retards living in Canada, or the fags living in the U.S.A.”
~ soccer
“It's football you retards! Stop changing it's name to make your American sport look good.”
“Zzz....”
~ Americans on Soccer
Football, known as "Fútbol de Pelota" in Mexico and "curling" in Canada,and pair gola in Peru, is a Niche sport played round the world only by divorced women over 52 and the descendents of vishnu. The game was first played in scotland in 1860 however then the rules were very different from now. First, you can kill someone and chop off their head to use it as ball. Then the 2 peoples of 2 villages used to try and run the head to the other village, without having their head chopped off as well.
The sport spread round the world, however was only played by a few enthusiasts. In 1920 a huge step forward for the sport was achieved when they dropped the dead head, and replaced it with a leather "football", this combined the cancellation of the TV show Dallas, sent the sports popularity into the thousands.
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[edit] The Name
Soccer is named after "Suck Hair", because research has shown the wives of soccer players are over 94.6% less likely to shave (part of) their hairy pussy than other housewives. According to five anonymous (ex-)soccer players (identified only by their first name and the first letter of their surname; Johan C., Romario de Sousa F., David B., Diego M., and Edwin van der S.), any sane soccer-player would prefer to find a hairy pitch under his sheets at night after having touched the slippery grass all day long. Other research has shown heading two balls a day makes a player 65.4% more likely to prefer sucking his wife's clitoris over getting his own pole smoked. Five headers per day increases this to an impressive 87.1%. Although not confirmed, more than five headers a day could lead to numbness in the body part.
It is commonly known that most footballers enjoy having sex with one another. The fact that yobs are all latently homosexual and their inner turmoil causes them to become extremely violent underscores this fact. It is also true that over 112% of football players enjoy massive cock sucking fairs in which their "team leader" gives each and every one of them head. The trick in this game is to be first in line and to not be the one who at the end gets the "magic surprise in their mouth", which is basically a large collection of every one else's sperm who has "cummed" in the "team leader's mouth" plus their own. This is a fun fun game for the hardcore football players. The bright side to being last and having to swallow is that you are the one who gets to do the sucking next time =) So no worries about swallowing next time! This is just one of the great games those adorable football guys love to play. I'm sure you have heard of many amazing games your self, or even ones oh the more better than this one.
During the pre-history time, when the psychos ruled the world, footballs were banned because the psychos were convinced that they hid kitten assassins inside (this was before the kitten war).
[edit] History
Like everything, the English claim they had created football way back in 460,000,000,000 BC, around the same time they were creating the earth, but contrary to this belief, it is really a lie. Football was actually created by the Romans who used to kick rocks at the English when they were ruling their country, and the game back then had similar rules to today's game: two teams made up of 11 Roman's would aim to kick a rock at an Englishman, and a goal was scored if concussion or better yet death was achieved. Yet, as the romans realised the shithole that is England would eventually become a land full of scousers, foreigners and puffs, they eventually left back for Italy. And it was once the Roman's left that the English carried on the sport. However, they wouldn't have been able to play the game due to physical matters, because you see before the Roman's arrived, the English were originally cavemen like creatures who used to walk on all four limbs, and it wasn't until the Roman's arrived and gave them a good kick up the "arse", which straitened their back, and allowed them to walk on their two feet, and thus kick a ball. However, as the Roman empire fell back towards Italy, the English had an idea. Taking advice from their WWII campaign, where, if the English told everyone that it was them who single-handedly defeated ze Germans and their allies without any help form the Yanks or anyone else, they could make everyone believe it was them who invented football, and that is how the lie they tell today originated. However, this plan backfired as their teams throughout the histroy of the game turned out to be absolutely shit, uncapable of winning anything until they luckily won by cheating against ze Germans in 1966, which to them means they have won the most out of everyone and are the best at the game, whereas the Italians have managed to defeat everyone at the game and take the throne as the greatest in the universe, who can regularly had out lessons to underachieving teams like England, who rest their hopes on Steven "Scouse Bastard Ohh, I'm 30 yards from goal with one man to beat and three teammates in space, so i'm gonna shoot and miss horribly" Gerrard and the defensive capabilities of Rio "Looks like an extra from a star wars movie / own goal scorer" Ferdinand. Well at least they have qualified for Euro 2008...OH NO WAIT.
[edit] The Ball
[edit] Football Positions
Mert Yildiz is the best footballer in the world Once upon a time, all 23,568 players on the field used to hop about, kicking the ball all around the field in a frenzy of sweat, blood and yet more blood. However, ever since the damn Limeys discovered the "alternative to God" (and it isn't tea), football is played 11 vs 11. The Jews, not wanting to scurry all over the field (Oy gevald! Our ancestors have been slaughtered time and time again and he wants to ruin his shoes like those accursed goishes!), decided to create positions:
- Goalkeeper: A player who has the right to handle the ball inside his little kingdom. While that sounds fun, all goalies ever do is stand inside their goals, waiting for someone to give them the opportunity to fly in the cool evening air like fags. Even their jerseys - long-sleeved shirts and shorts - raise the inevitable question: why the Hell are they called football players? And imagine the shame a former no. 1 experiences when he tells his grandchildren, "when I was a wee little bit older then yous, I shtood once a week in sommin' called the goal and flew at incomin' balls! Now donchye be laughin' - I med maugh money then you'll evah make as a shtinkin' lawyah or summin'!".
Goalkeepers like to boost their egos by telling themselves penis size is proportional to height, but if that were true, short people would have long gone extinct. Goalkeepers are known for producing their time stopping saves, and thinking that they are the best player on the pitch, examples being Will Taylor and Robert Green.
- Centre Back/Full Back: A player who serves as an excuse for the goalie to use whenever he concedes a goal. Historically, FB's have always been big chumps who couldn't handle the ball, or simply less-talented strikers who wanted to do something other in life than work in a factory or make fish and chips all day long (they still had to work in factories. Where's Margaret Thatcher when you need her?). Nowadays, however, rules like the offside rule exist to stimulate FB's to think and make it seem like they were actually better than FB's a few generations ago, or as Marco Materazzi said: "the striker man, big shame to calcio, he try ruin my salary, so I put bastard in offside, and pussy runs to referee to say it wasn't offside and I stupid flagpole. So I later revenge and make sure pussy don't have child".
- Defender: A player who defends the goal from threats along the sidelines. However, since the FB's usually do the charging and career-shortening for them, they are burdened with attacking from the sidelines, because they aren't as crammed full as the centre of the field (the reason to that remains a mystery to this day). Additionally, the poor souls need to dribble past the opposition occasionally and lob accurate balls into the oppositon's 16m box. With such hard work, it's no wonder paractically no defender has ever been chosen as player of the year. Defender must be gay and know a little bit about ballet. The most famous ballet dancer turned to football is Rio de Jeneiro Ferdinand Marcos.
- Defensive Midfield: A player who does exactly what the FB's do, except for the fact that he does it a bit further away from goal and attempts the occasional fruitless challenge. However, several DM's have realised that they're simply shorter FB's, and have since been doing odd things, such as being playmakers or taking free kicks and not winning the ball (well, there's always that crazy Italian guy who'll do it for you!). Pussies.
- Attacking Midfield: A player who gets the ball somehow and delivers it to the striker, or does fancy dribbling stuff. There isn't a lot more to be said on the AM, which just shows you what a dull position this is.
- Alluring Fauntleroy: A player who wears a teasingly small miniskirt and attempts to distract the opposition by craftily flashing them the lower part of his buttocks. This occasionally backfires when his own team is accidentally distracted, or when playing against those who ascribe to the frowned upon doctrine of the 4-4-2 formation.
- Winger: A defender with brains (Richard Dawkins claims this is an oxymoron) who is officially a midfield and so evades defending duties. They are generally the fastest players on the pitch so they can evade other irate defenders abusing them for not stopping goals.
- Striker: A lazy git who waits for some sucker to pass him the ball so he can comfortably lift his foot up, score a goal and earn fame and glory. Some strikers play behind the main one, but they're just AM's hoping to kick the lazy bastard's ass for stealing their booty. Strikers also have an unfortunate tendency to fall to ground after receiving any sort of contact, real or imagined.
- Libero: A player who initially sits in front of the goalie and supports the offence from time to time by running in a beeline, so he won't have to run too much when the FB's suck too much. Liberos are in fact defenders who are not disciplined enough to stay in one position, and as such they stagger around the pitch like a group of Scousers making their way back from the pub.
- Subs: An unlucky player that warms the bench for the strikers, they usually have never kicked a ball in their life and are often retarded. They are either six inches or a foot long and, if lucky enough to be picked as the sub of the day, only cost £1.99. Examples include Charles Ower and Sean Maroney.
football is the funniest thought of game in the world
[edit] How to Score a Goal
Kick the ball...through...the white things, known as the goal posts.
Give the ball to Chuck Norris and he will know what to do!
Let Jet Lo kick the crap out of it.
Kick the ball through the goal dumbass!
[edit] Prominent football players
[edit] Eric Cantona
In 1998, Eric Cantona left the Tampa Bay Reserves to become an actor. Though many feel he has failed since he left football, this is not in fact accurate. For when Eric eats a banana, an amazing transformation occurs. Eric is Bananaman, ever alert for the call to action
[edit] Chris Waddle
Other famous footballers to live careers with some levels of intelligence involved include Chris Waddle, who gained in brainpower throughout his sminki pinki career - culminating in the shaving off of his scorchio mullet in the early 21st century, and George Best who won a Nobel Prize in Biology for the bionic liver he developed in order to carry on his 40 pints a day lifestyle.
[edit] Paul Gascoigne
Contrary to popular belief, Paul Gascoigne is actually the most intelligent person ever to walk to planet. His special ability, to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, make a fool of himself at just the right moment, and generally make the overall view of footballers to be fat, drunken, overpaid idiots, has taken a long time to perfect. It requires supreme skills in reading body language, diplomacy, cowbelling and being a Geordie.
[edit] Myspace Tom
Amaizingly, "Myspace tom" Is not his real name, he copied that name from a popular children's Cereal. His real name is Vladimir Bolokov and plays for Spartak Moscow. Honest.
Over the last few years, Vladimir Bolokov has won many awards, such as winning the gold medal for being a real tit or The bronze for being a overrated Douchebag.. What? You never heard of him? Well you must be crazy, CRAZY I TELL YOU!
In 2006, he was brutally tackled by the funny looking Croat, Eduardo. He had to undergo a special operation, which was led by a team of highly professional Hillbilies. He never recovered, So he joined the Church of Scientology instead.
[edit] David Beckham
Trained since manufacture to kick balls, David is actually a mutant Smurf and has risen through the ranks of footballing superstars from Sunday pub league sponsored by Whetherspoons to Captaining the Great British Footballing loosers team 1967-2186. Married to a reanimated corpse, his special skills include:- having the voice of a duck, crying publicly at will, shaving, wearing big white pants, naming his children after methods and places of conception. His five children, Peckham Beckham, Tom Cruise Beckham, Doggy Beckham, Anoos Beckham and Frodo Beckham, although not 100% Smurf are still training to follow in their great fathers footsteps. Man Utd. are said to be interested in his offspring.
