Ford Pinto
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“A barbeque that seats four.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Ford Pinto
In 1967 Ford corporation was infiltrated by Harrison Ford a secret cannibal agent of the Fnord group, who were envious of the much greater popularity and fame of the Ford corporation, a somewhat contradictory motive for an ultra-secret Illuminati organisation.
Harrison's ulterior motive was to improve the United States woeful lack of Cannibal Drive-In Resturants, hence the concept of the Ford Pinto was born. By cleverly integrating a hybrid external combustion engine into a stylish compact car the Ford Pinto was marketed to appeal to the WASP population of middle America, who are renown for their crispy pink skin and juicy tender leg meats when barbequed at high temperatures, thus the Ford Pinto would provide the cannibal minority groups with their much desired roadside meals.
The Ford Pinto is also remarkable for the use of Scratch'n'Sniff paint and comes in the colours Texas Chili Red, Mayo White, Barbeque Sauce Brown, Mustard Yellow, Baby Poop Yellow, and Salsa Verde.
[edit] The Ford Pinto Mark II: Mach 0.00004
The classic Ford Pinto can be found lurking in many backyards, concealed by brambles, kudzu, and empty beer cans. The external combustion engine gave it the power and acceleration of a quadriplegic in a manual wheelchair. There have been many cases that someone has left their house, got to a stop sign 400 feet away, accelerated and got to another stop sign 35 feet away from that, and their engine will still be sitting in their driveway.
Prototypes were first driven by company executive, Fred, Wilma, Barney, and Betty. They suggested more power and hydraulic brakes.
A "sport" edition of car came out which was mostly marketed towards pimps. Ford meant it to be the all-fashionable car that seated four and was a beautiful babe magnet. The car was 4 x 2 feet in diameter and the pimps would have to strap their ho's on the roof, but every time the car hit a speed bump it would either flip, burst into flames, or the engine would die. Typically, the biggest maintenance cost was replacing the ho's who were crushed, burnt up, or killed by hypothermia.
The car was so successful that they stopped making them 54 days later. The car got a maximum 9.5 miles per gallon. Coincidentally, 9.5 miles was also the record for the longest distance driven before causing an explosion. The car was available in a total of 1 different color, shit green. The sight of a shit green piece of shit flying down the road at 34 MPH and exploding in a giant fireball was not easily forgotten. The factory paint job would usually turn to a darker charcoal black.
The only country where Ford Pinto is still produced is Argentina, where they learned to love and tender these cars. Thus the brazilian saying: "Argentinos adoram chupar um pinto", which means "Argentinians really like to drive a Pinto".
Ford made the serious mistake of designing the car with a gas tank made from recycled Shop-Rite plastic bags. The Pinto's product manager later testified that Ford had just sent all their engineers to one of the early creativity workshops. While brainstorming the design, they developed the tank as a way to clean out their kitchen cabinets that were filled up with Shop-Rite bags. The lead designer received an award for this innovation.
