Formula One
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At some point in the future this article will refer to a current event.
“Grand Prix. No other phrase translates so well phonetically. Because that's what these people are: grand pricks.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Formula One
“Leave F1 alone! He's not well!”
~ F1 fans on Formula One
“JENSON BUTTON WIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSSSSS GET IN THERE”
~ The Cock James Allen on Formula One
“In Soviet Russia, Formula 1 watches YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Formula 1
“What do you mean? Lewis is Jewish? take away his super licence. OW!.”
~ Max Mosley on Formula One
For sure, Formula One, abbreviated to F1 and also known as Grand Prix Racing is the highest and most ludicrously overrated mathematical formula in the world. It consists of a series of terms, known as Grands Prix, held on purpose-built circuits or closed city streets, whose results determine two annual tangential components: one for drivers and one for constructors. Formula 1 is also noted as the auto sport where passing does not occur. All the cars stay in their starting fields and one guy would normally lead the entire race. It is this reason why professional drivers might find NASCAR more interesting. There are other formulas, which includes Formula 13592050, Formula Flap and Formula 1 the second. Unfortunately no one cares about the others. Except for Formula 7. Formula 7 is badass.
[edit] Formative Years
For sure, Formula One originally began as Grand Prix Racing in the early 1950s, where teams of local car enthusiasts would meet outside the main shopping centre in Paris and perform laps of the car park in vehicles resembling hairdryers on wheels. Its name stems from the nickname given to the event organiser, Monsieur Eccleston, a local mechanic and megalomaniac who was affectionately refferred to as "Le Grand Prix", roughly translated as "The Big Prick", after his tenacious and fiery character left its mark on the racers.
For sure, races were lengthy, boring, and often dangerous, with competitors dying on a weekly basis. The sport surely would have died its death had Eccleston not pumped large amounts of money into the upkeep of the car park, but the biggest factor in the survival of the sport was the introduction of on-car advertising, after British team Churchill allowed tissue manufacturers Kleenex to advertise their newest range on the nose of the vehicle and paint it the colour of mucus. Although Kleenex later pulled out of the deal when driver Stirling Dross lost his nose after a collision with a shopping trolley, the British team kept the car colour and dubbed it "British Racing Green".
[edit] Modern F1
For sure, modern F1 retains some elements of its early roots, namely that the cars have wheels and are still plastered with advertising. Apart from that, F1 is a vastly different kettle of fish to the sport that began more than 50 years ago. the best F1 car around and the team has the best drivers
For sure, the motorsport now takes in over 20 different locales as the season unfolds, and after five decades of fatal crashes, safety is now of paramount concern. Each driver is wrapped in cotton wool before racing and the cars now drive themselves in a slow procession around circuits full of chicanes. Overtaking is considered ungentlemanly conduct and any driver attempting an overtaking manouvere will be black-flagged and banned from racing for the rest of the season.
For sure, the lengthy qualifying sessions of yesteryear have been replaced by a system of drawing short straws and any remaining element of excitement danger will soon be eliminated, when next season the teams are forced to race without tyres or engines, and will rely on the stamina of the pit-crew as they push the car around the circuit. (It should be noted that the actual races are technological marvels not that in the way one typically expects, ie: making cars go faster, but rather in making the cars move at all. Each year rules are imposed to limit anything that would enable the cars to move at an "unsafe" speed, ie, fins, wheels with excessive grip, screws, suspension, low ride height, metal, and petunias). The latest addition is for Microsoft to be the official supplier of all computer equipment used by the teams.
[edit] Drivers and Constructors
Following the feud between F1 organisers and drivers over tyres, nearly all the teams have dropped out of the competition and their drivers have joined rival motorsport A1 Racing.
For sure, there are currently 3 teams in the competition as we move into the 2008 season, with a fourth team expected to join later in the year. Accusations of illiteracy among the sport's governing body have arisen as eleven teams routinely show up for racing, despite the officials' insistence that only three ever arrive. These are as follows:
[edit] Ferrero Rocher
Italian-based team who were among the original competitors in the first Grand Prix season. Ferrero moved into a period of dominance in the late 1990s which lasted until the 2005 season when they forgot to develop a new car and repeatedly drew the short straw in qualifying. Then they went on to making chocolates for a living.
For sure, in the past few years the rise in cases of Ferrero Rocher Syndrome has increased 13.6-fold, mostly among the rather out-dated Roman group of fanatical Ferrero Rocher fans that label themselves "Glorius Supportus", which roughly translates as "Bandwagoner".
Forsure Massa
Formerly a tester at Ferrero Rocher and race driver and Sauber, Massa was renowned for how the number 8 on his car often referred to the number of corners he managed at each race before crashing out. Since joining Ferrero Rocher, Massa was careful to observe how better performing drivers worked. He grew sideburns to be like Alsoslow, and started to say 'For Sure' a lot, to resemble ex world champion Alain Frost.
Kimberly - or Kimmy as she prefers - is Formula One's first female driver after. She is best known for her aloof and icy personality, which is best described as south of the Antarctic. Rumoured to be in a romantic relationship with Micky Shoemaker, Ralph Shoemaker, David Coulfard, En Jin Failure, Benson Zipper, Cole Trickle and Stall Poddart as she has been known to let them all pass at varying stages. Neither party has explicitly acknowledged or denied such an involvement, except Poddart, who took the opportunity to complain some more, and Trickle, who ran and hid in a cupboard.
[edit] Team MäcLärvit (also known as "The cheating cheaters that were caught cheating")
A team with a long history of racing and building excellent racing machines which they copied from others especially Ferrero, but to hear Ferrero Rocher tell it, MäcLärvit simply bought copies of their blueprints down in Chinatown and added a new coat of paint (and even then, they still didn't manage to cover all the red bits). The were subsequently spanked by the FIA - and by Max "Big Daddy" Mosley personally - and fined a record-breaking sum of $1.20. In 2007 the team appointed a new technical director, referred to only by the letter 'Q'.
A bleary-eyed Spaniard who usually looks as though he's both hungover and emo. In actual fact, he's probably just woken up, as evidenced by his perennial bed hair. Questions were raised when it was noted that he rarely pitted, as he tends to fall asleep when stationary for more than a few seconds. However, his bland driving is reminiscent of somebody being asleep, so the validity of this claim is questionable. He is the butt of many jokes from commentators owing to his over-use of "nancy-boy hair gel" that makes him look like a "magnificent poof". He is cousins with Josh Groban and is best known for being in the pocket - and probably the bed - of his manager, Flavourio Brimstone, who offered him a drive in a top car after his first season, despite being consistently inconsistent at best and underwhelmingly underwhelming everywhere else. He enjoys throwing temper tantrums when things don't go his way and taking short-cuts whe his team-mate is nearby. Alsoslow is usualy at the top of "Must Have" drivers at the beginning of each silly season, though speculation is rife that he pays to have is name there as no-one else will go near him with a ten-foot barge pole.
Hamilton is best known for the incident in the 2007 season when he was leading the championship with a fifty-seven point lead over Kimmy Rakkynen. Unfortuantely (for him), he choked in the final round and lost the title - and any and all credibility with it - by just one point. Most of the blame went on Hamilton's decision to race on wet tyres in dry conditions for 172 laps, before coming into pitlane attempting to set a new land speed record. Naturally, Hamilton wound up twenty miles off course, on a beach somewhere. Further questions about Hamilton's ability to drive on pitlane were raised when he drove straight into the back of Kimmy Rakkynen's Ferrero Rocher, after ignoring all of the flashing red lights and a big red stop sign at the end of pitlane. When asked about it, Hamilton said, "I thought all the red lights meant I should go. Who knew they meant stop? It's all backwards over here." Given the level of attention Hamilton gets on ITV, it's as if they are trying to Hamilton us into watching nothing but Hamilton. On the other Hamilton, it's good to Hamilton a British Hamilton doing so Hamilton. There's no Hamilton in my mind that Hamilton will easily Hamilton the BBC's Sports Hamilton of the Year Hamilton.
[edit] mywetdream.com
Fronted by supermodel Jordan, also known as Katie Price, the mywetdream.com team - formerly known as Jordan - is best known for its twin airbags which won the team the award for safest car in the 2004 season. This team is also known for their unusual marketing campaign, starting with the "Earth Deluions" livery - believed by many to be named after their delusions of success, which was followed by their controversial mywetdream.com strip, the less of which is said, the better.
Benson Zipper
Billed as the next big thing in motorsport, Zipper has also been propelled into the limelight because of his unusual first name. His brother, Hedges (known as "Hornets" due to licensing restrictions), is tipped for promotion to Formula 1 within the next 2 years, despite the fact that people have been saying that for the past several years. He is notable for having gone one hundred and thirteen races without scoring a single point, much less a podium or a win.
David Coulfart
Coulfard, who insists his name is pronounced "Cool Tard" has been brought into the Jordan team for the 2006 season as a father figure for Zipper. The Scotsman has yet to win a championship due to the wind resistance on his rather unaerodynamic chin, which has a serious slowing effect on his lap-times. He came close to winning one race in 2005, but was eventually beaten by Micky Shoemaker, his brother Ralf, their parents Mr. and Mrs. Shoemaker in their caravan, Granny Shoemaker in a wheelchair, and her pet tortoise Gunther.
[edit] Alsö Rann
Finnish team who recently went into administration before being bought out by another Finnish team who were about to go into administration. Their best finish was in the 1993 season when they finished bottom of the Constructors Table after an administrative error handed them a point.
En Jin Failure
Japanese Formula 3000 driver hastily brought into the side at the start of the 1992 season. Has yet to finish a race. En Jin also took part in the 2007 Race of Non-Champions, alongside fellow Japanese racing flop Nokon Woodo. Interestingly, they won.
I'nto Le Tyrewalle
Young French driver drafted in from the Under 5's Indoor Karting Championships. Seen as a long-term investment and is not expected to make much of an impact this season. Recorded best ever finish last season after successfully navigating one corner.
[edit] B.A.R. H.U.M.B.U.G.
Team BAR (Bring Another Racer) is expected to join the grid some time in late 2006. Or 2007. Or 2008, depending on when they get their licence to actually race. One would assume they also have a car, but an extreme lack of testing (or of anything else, really) suggests otherwise. Team BAR are notable for living under the illusion that they actually stand a chance against Ferrero Rocher, despite showing up to the pre-season test with a six-year-old car. Their Honda engines are very reliable but Wong Wei over-revs them a wee bit too far.
Ralf Somebodyorudderr
Believes himself to be the younger brother of Micky Shoemaker, but is in actual fact the Micky's talentless clone. Frequently manages to spin in Pit Lane (due to his tendency to ralf his own drinks) and often stops well short of the team mechanics, prompting a mad dash most of the way down pit lane; the team's unofficial slogan is "Alright boys, when Ralf arrives, I want you to take four steps to the left!". Insists that his Christian name rhymes with 'chaffe', and that he is not Christian. Announced himself as the the third-best driver in the sport and then spent the next twelve races in last place. He was subsequently fired.
Rubix Kubicer
A Polish test driver brought in to replace Ralf Somebodyorudderr. He is notable for his over-sized nose; B.A.R. H.U.M.B.U.G. recently developed carbon fibre winglets to make it an aerodynamic aid all of its own. Kubicer was forced to receive two dozen nose piercings so it could be attached, which he described as feeling 'a bit funny'. When his nose was declared illegal by the sport's governing body, Kubicer was forced to race without it, where he subsequently had a huge accident that started in Montreal and ended somewhere in Detroit after being hit by Tak-Attack Sah Toe.
Wong Wei
Unheard-of Malaysian teenager who believes he's a superstar for simply competing in Formula 1. In actual fact, he's only there because he comes with funding from his equally pathetic, undesirable father's sweatshop. It's questionable as to where he got his licence due to his inability to drive on the grey bit. Wei has been known for being on the podium one race and the first to retire the next. However, this only applies in the race following his home GP, as we all know Wei is much too crappy to come anywhere near the podium.
[edit] Walliams F1
For sure, Walliams is one of the oldest and most prestigious teams in Formula One. Its manager, David Walliams, along with his comedic sidekick Matt Lucas and technical director M.T. Adithya, collectively spend most of their time complaining that it is impossible to compete with teams who have more money than them. Despite having won 122 races since their foundation in 1980, they have failed to finish a race since 1987.Their most successful period came when Walliams shaved a bear named Alan Jones and raced him in the 1980 World Championship.
Johnny Sherbert
Johnny "Better than the Other White Powder" Sherbert entered Formula One in 1804 at the age of ninety-six. Since then, he has won two Grand Prix, when he appealed to Ecclestone and had everyone else disqualified because their wheels were "too round." Johnny retired from Formula One in 2001 but returned this season after being begged by nearly everyone not to get back in a car.
Nike Rozburg
The son of former Formula One World Champion KKK Rozburg, Nike is hoping to follow in his father's footsteps. Like Benson Zipper, his first name has attracted some attention from the media as his father auctioned off the rights to his son's first name to raise funds so he could drive in the first place. Nike Rozburg has attracted a strong female following, largely because he looks like a model, but commentators suggest the name "Puma" might be more appropriate to his driving style - it stinks.
[edit] So Shi-tei
Ong Wong Fonder had a dream, to have an F1 team. His dream was fulfilled in 1988 when budget Korean car company So Shi-tei Cars decided to back him (mainly for blatant self promotion). So Shi-tei cars are recognisible because of their appallingly shoddy workmanship and the fact they only have 3 wheels. This is the same with their F1 cars, which often inexplicably fall apart or tip on their side. Despite their huge amount of funding So Shi-tei has never won a race as the cars are slower than a really big rock, chained to the ground and stuck on with concrete. The cars have been nicknamed "Brick Bullets" as they look like bricks, handle like bricks and are so heavy that they might as well be made of bricks.
Rhubarb "Barry" Cello
A Brazilian driver best known for his nickname "Barry", possibly because he is named after a fruit. Or a vegetable; no-one is quite sure what it is except that it is delicious (real Rhubarb, not Barry; that would be cannibalism). He has been in the sport for fifteen years, most of which has been spent driving mediocre cars for mediocre teams, which is perfectly suited to his mediocre driving style. He is perhaps best known in Japan where he frequently advertises a wide range of products from Hello Kitty balloons to Hello Kitty condoms.
Tak-Attack Sah Toe
For sure, the leading cause of first-corner retirements in Formula One racing. He is most notable for running into everything in sight, and his record of taking 15 cars out of the race at the first corner of the Bordom-Ring will probably never be broken. So Shi-tei claim they have no "number one" driver and that both drivers are given "equal preference". However, two identical cars with two identical drivers does not go into one racing line, hence Sah Toe's kamikaze runs leading to the traditional first-corner accident.
[edit] Stall Poddart F1 (formerly known as Farce Pakistan F1, Spykey F1 and Lowland F1)
Just some Australian guy who shows up at races with a pair of Leyland P-76s. His team has never actually finished a race which may or may not have something to do with the fact that they've never been allowed to start. Poddart himself is known to whine about ... well, everything. Has attempted to employ Oscar Wilde as a driver for the past 43 years and is well known for repeated driver changes. Their cars are painted orange so that they can easily be found when the drivers inevitably get lost and are likened to moving traffic cones. Poddart is expected to sell the team at the end of the year in keeping with the team's tradition of selling to someone from a quirky nationality, having previously been owned by Pakistani, Dutch and Russian businessmen.
Jen-Eric Paydrivar
Formula One's first trans-gender driver from Sweden, Jen-Eric is relatively unheard-of with no prior racing experience. S/he (/it) is known to be a major contributor to Poddart's bank balance, hence the reason it was given a seat at the team this year. Not worth paying attention, as it will probably have spent all its money by the end of the year and so will disappear.
F. Arce
For sure, after considerable pressure from the United States of Amerika for there to be an Amerikan driver in the sport, Poddart signed on experienced NASCAR ace F. Arce. However, F. (yes, "F." is his given name) is well known to get confused when the road bends to the right, having previous driven taxis that are only capable of tuning left for 500 miles at a time. Hence, he routinely makes 270 degree left-hand turns instead of 90 degree right-hand ones, and always spins to the left.
Mikel Andretty
Born Giuseppe Donk; Andretty is Formula One's second-most-spectacular failure (coming in just behind the sheer lack of excitement the races provide), having failed to finish 245 of the 12 races he entered. Describes himself as Stall Poddart's third driver, even though Poddart whinges a lot. Poddart (still whining) claims Andretty has nothing to do with the team and just shows up on race day.
[edit] Purple Steer Racing
An Austrian-owned racing team funded by the proceeds of the liquid caffeine sold by its parent company. Due to contractual obligations, the team's drivers are obligated to consume the energy drink at every opportunity. Several have admitted they probably wouldn't know the difference if someone switched it for the fuel their cars run on and most don't last more than four races as they have a tendency to die from a caffeine overdose.
Arabian prince with a name longer than the number of zeroes in his father's personal fortune. He is known simply as "Prince" (speculation is rife he will be known as "the Racing Driver Formerly Known as Prince" by the end of the season) because the race is usually over by the time it takes commentators to say his name, and because his name is too long to fit on his licence. The author of this article is also hard-pressed to write a bio that is longer than the driver's name.
Sid Kick
With the retirement of Micky Shoemaker, Sid Kick found himself demoted to a slower team. In a previous life, however, he was latest in a string of drivers to play Sundance to Shoemaker's Butch, the Garfunkel to Shoemaker's Simon or the Buzz Aldrin to Shoemaker's Armstrong, Kick is most fondly remembered for his brilliant performance in the final, championship-deciding race of the 2003 season where he heroically pulled over to allow Shoemaker to gain the 3 points he needed to beat him to the title.
[edit] Thetan Grand Prix
Originally known as Xemu Grand Prix and created by L. Ron Hubbard in 1952, this American team was forced to change its name to Thetan Racing when it was discovered "Xemu" was already trademarked by another bogus religion. The car, known as the OT III, is revolutionary as they do not require petrol to be driven. Instead, the cars are powered by bullshit. Commentators are predicting that Thetan Grand Prix is likely to be highly competitive as the more bullshit the team pumps out, the faster the cars will go.
Cole Trickle
Rumour has it that Trickle is the identical twin brother of Tom Cruise, who changed his name after media attention. Therefore he's transferred from NASCAR to drive the reporters away. Known on the track as "Maverick" due to his rogue nature behind the wheel, he frequently claims he is not gay. However every time he does so, his car clearly goes faster. An accident early in his career resulted in his meeting a twenty-something brain surgeon, though she left him when he joined Thetan Grand Prix.
Tony Mareno
The history of Thetan Racing's second driver is also under a shroud of secrecy, though it is known that Brooklyn-born Mareno arrives at all races in a white disco suit. Like Trickle, he is known to claim that Battlefield Earth is the greatest film ever made, a claim that, like Trickle's insistence that he is not gay, propels him to the top of the timing sheets. However, both Trickle and Mareno believe every word of what they say and claim something else is making the car go faster.
[edit] Scooter Toro Rosso
"Scooter Toro Rosso" is just Italian for "Purple Steer Scooters". Interestingly, though, in some South American languages it translates as "Thank Christ Stall Poddart showed up; now we won't be at the back all the time!". Driving last year's Purple Steer Racing cars with last year's Purple Steer Racing drivers, the team has decided to spare no expense on making a winning car, even going so far as to fill their tyres with Chuck Norris' breath. In reality, however, they were created by the sport's governing body to provide some accident-prone comedy in the middle of the season.
Vitantitantintantontio Fizzy Keller
Originally known as Jacques Fucking Villeneuve, Fizzy Keller bleached what little hair he had left and changed his name to something vaguely Italian-sounding, but is actually taken from a movie in which Steven Segal goes around kicking people in the face. In some countries this film carried a different title, but "Above The Law Fizzy Keller" would have sounded really stupid. He recently released an album which critics described as "sounding like a dial-up modem trying to cough up a hairball". Commentators comment that this is also descriptinve of his driving, but no-one is entirely sure how.
Heidi Nickfeld
For sure, when he is not driving for Scooter Toro Rosso, Nickfeld can be found doubling for Benny from ABBA in stage versions of Mamma Mia! owing to his ridiculous beard. With Jacques Fucking Villeneuve/Vitantintantontio Fizzy Keller as a team-mate this year, Nickfeld can look forward to spending most of his year getting up close and personal with a twat. He is yet to win a race - or anything else for that matter - but recently walked away with the prize for Worst Personality in Germany on a technicality when it came to light that Kimmy Rakkynen - the favourite to win - is actually from Finland, not Germany.
[edit] Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O.
Also known as Team We Are the Winners of Formula One, this Lithuanian-based outfit is not above shameless self-promotion, a national tradtition. They have no money, no clue and no chance; often likened to the national football team of Absurdistan. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. WILL win this year! Yeah! Yay Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O and blatant self-promotion!
Alex Wurse
For sure, Wurse is an Austrian racing driver who has spent the past decade as a test driver (also known as Racing Drivers' Hell) for various other teams. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. signed him on, believing that his knowledge of the others teams would be of some use, but quickly found that Wurse was too tall to fit in the car. This forced them to make the car longer to prevent the seven-foot Wurse's feet from hanging out of the front end. Although he is yet to demonstrate any of the prowess Formula One has come to expect, Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. could do a whole lot worse than Alex Wurse. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. WILL win this year! Yeah! Yay Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O and blatant self-promotion!
Heinz-Beanz Frankzen
Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O's number two driver is well-known in racing circles as his car does not run on petrol. Like Thetaan Grand Prix's racers, Heinz-Beanz Frankzen's car is not powered by conventional fuel. It is 100% environmentally friendly, although it is noted to be 0% spectator-friendly as the car produces copious quantities of methane in the place of exhaust fumes. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. WILL win this year! Yeah! Yay Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O and blatant self-promotion!
[edit] Former Racers
Contrary to popular belief - that Formula One is the only known cure for insomnia - the sport was once considered exciting, and has played host to many immensely popular drivers over the years. Below are just a few how have left their mark on the world of Formula One:
[edit] Micky Shoemaker
For sure, undoubtedly the most successful driver of his generation, Shoemaker has won more championships than anyone ever. Meanwhile the governing body of the sport has demanded that Shoemaker tow a caravan while driving a children's pedal car backwards to allow the opposition some form of a chance at winning. The recent announcment of Shoemaker's decision to retire has plunged the sport into chaos as somebody else can now win. He is also credited with the achievement of single handedly making Formula 1 boring.
[edit] Nathan Fillion
Quite possibly one of the two fastest and most furious drivers the sport has ever seen, Fillion is the former holder of the record for the most wins within the sport during his time with Team Firefly, a title now held by Shoemaker. His career was marked by furious battle with his number one rival, Chuck Norris; indeed they were so fast that Fillion and Norris often came first or second and daylight was third, assuming they didn't take each other out during qualifying or the race itself.
[edit] Chuck Norris
The number one rival of Nathan Fillion. When Norris wasn't in the Canadian's rear-view mirrors, Fillion could be found in Norris's. Their rivalry was legendary, with each constantly trying to better the other to the point where in an incident where Fillion had a high-speed accident at the famous Eau Jaune corner and Norris deliberately had a bigger crash on the next lap, claiming that he had to out-do Fillion.
[edit] The Stig
This white-clad racer was supposedly the brainchild of a CIA experiment gone horribly wrong in which attempts to train a cat to spy resulted in a superhuman racing driver. Nothing is known about the Stig excet that he was exceptionally fast in anything with four wheels, and sometimes just as quick in cars with three as his desire to push the cars to their limit often ended in a short trip into the scenery. Rumours abound question precisely who he is, with most of the speculation in tabloid newspapers variously suggesting he is actually Forsure Massa, Ralf Somebodyorudderr, Tak-Attack Sah Toe and Jacques Fucking Villeneuve. Ignoring for the moment that they phsically cannot be the Stig as they are all driving other cars at the same time, the speculation is clearly wrong as the Stig's millimetre-perfect driving lines are at odds with everyone else's usual tactic of using the other cars to slow themselves down.
[edit] Gregory House
For sure, one of the most notable racers Formula One has ever seen due to a damaged leg that meant he had difficulty finding gear at the best of times. Some have questioned his disability as he was never asked to take a drug test (critics of this theory ask how steroids and human growth hormones improve driving ability) despite being seen popping painkillers at almost every opportunity, including pitstops. House also drove for every single team in the field in his decade-long career, despite there being twelve teams at the time. Unfortunately he never finished a race as everyone tried to take him out because of his extremely arrogant and sarcastic nature.
[edit] Maddox
"Second Best" pretty much sums up Maddox's career as a driver. He was only ever considered to be the Number Two driver in a team that always came second. His near-legendary rivalry with Gregory House is considered second only to the Fillion vs. Norris races. Even his arrogant and sarcastic comments were considered inferior to House. In fact, the only time Maddox was ever considered better than another was when he was voted the sport's most unpopular and un-sportsmanlike driver, therefore furthering his reputation as second-fiddle. He couldn't even whinge about it properly as he was deciseively beaten by Stall Poddart every time the two complained.
[edit] Race Format
When teams arrive for a Grand Prix meeting, there is a series of events leading up to the actual race that must be performed. On the Friday of race weekend, a press conference is held that, in theory, allows the drivers to brag, boast and generally trash-talk to one another to get it out of their system. In reality, most of the questions are directed at Micky Shoemaker, with the occasional one being pitched to Sid Kick (these, however, can generally be answered with a monosyllabic response). This is because Shoemaker is first of all the only person anyone ever recognises, and secondly the press know that if they even look like they might ask Stall Poddart a question, then he'll start whinging and whining and generally be a nuisance without shutting up. The conference also gives Cole Trickle an opportunity to insist he is not gay.
For sure, following the press conference, the first round of qualifying begins on Saturday mornings. Qualifying is a combination of a driver's past performance, popularity, a foot race and random chance. This generally means that Shoemaker and Kick will qualify first and second, with everyone else just making up their minds as to where they will start on Sunday morning because the two Ferrero Rochers always win. Afterwards, everyone climbs into their cars and drives around for a bit. This move was implemented to deal with criticism over the fact that a foot race (usually to the nearest bar) has nothing to do with racing cars. Counter-critics say that, despite driving ability improving in some people by 3500% with each beverage consumed, racing cars might actually be dangerous.
Sunday has a ritual of its own, usually beginning with Poddart's team being thrown out and Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. engaging in more of their trademark blatant self-promotion. Many drivers usually like to take a nap early in the morning, and the race officials are willing to wait for everyone to wake up before beginning. This means the race can start at any time from 11am to 11pm - Kimmy Rakkynen is notorious for making sure her makeup is just right - with the cars lining up on the grid. A series of lights count down to the beginning of the race, starting with red and changing to orange, yellow, red, red, green, blue, red, black, white, beige, ivory, bone, off-white, egg-shell, red and finally green.
For sure, the race itself is usually run over fifty laps, however on all Tilke-designed courses, the race ends when the drivers get bored, which is usually after a lap and a half. During the race, all drivers are required to make three compulsory pit stops: one to change the tyres, one to refuel, and one so that the driver can take a leak, after which they all go out again and drive around in circles, careful not to do something as ungentlemanly(/unladylike/un-it-like) as overtake. At the end of the race, trophies are awarded to the first place driver - Shoemaker - who will then to a victory dance and spray something that looks like champagne and smells like champagne, but tastes like something else entirely over everyone. No-one knows what it is, but it does come from France.
[edit] The 2007 Season (Will Probably Be Exactly The Same in 2008)
The 2007 season of the Formula One Championship took place on circuits largely designed by Hermann Tilke. The overall winner was Micky Shoemaker with 120 points, light years ahead of of team-mate Sid Kick in second place on just 10 points. Third place was hotly contested, with Benson Zipper beating Ferdinand Alonslow by one point to finish the season with a respectable total of three points. Nobody else scored, though Heidi Nickfeld did manage to pick up a few times down at the local pub immediately after the race.
[edit] Bordom-Ring
The Bordom-Ring, also known as AVUS, is considered the pinnacle of Hermann Tilke's desgins, and is therefore the first race of the season. Set in the streets of Berlin, it consists of two twelve-kilometre straights with a hairpin at either end. Micky Shoemaker won with Sid Kick second. No-one remembers who came third because everyone had left by then, though it is possible everyone was taken out in the tradtional first-corner accident.
[edit] Ful Kar Park
Round two takes the championship to China, with another race through the city streets. In keeping with the Chinese tradition, no-one was informed of the race until it actually began, leaving the drivers to weave and dodge through downtown Shanghai. Surpringly, that race was not won by Micky Shoemaker; the first driver over the line was local driver Sum Dum Prik on his pushbike.
[edit] The Ring
The New Zealand round took the drivers to The Ring, another pinncale of Hermann Tilke's design pinciple. Held on a completely circular track, the race had to be stopped after several drivers threw up inside their helmets. Former NASCAR driver and Stall Poddart's number two, F. Arce was forced to sit this race out as the race was run in a clockwise direction. Shoemaker won.
[edit] Ikea Cup
Sweden's championship race was held at the Ikea Circuit, a venue notable because everything from the grandstands to the cars had to be assembled with an allen key before anything could take place. Bonus championship points were on offer for the driver who could assemble his or her car the fastest, with Benson Zipper earning one point for his efforts. It was all in vain, however, as Shoemaker won.
[edit] US Grand Prix
The streets of Baghdad played host to an explosive race, marked for the controversy surrounding Micky Shoemaker (see below) after Sid Kick's car blew up for no apparent reason after matching Shoemaker in qualifying. This, however, was attributed to the local situation in New America and as Kick was unharmed, the incident was not investigated. All but one team - Ferrero Rocher - were forced to withdraw when it was found their tyres were not safe to drive around the circuit. This had no effect on the final standings, however, as Shoemaker went on to win.
[edit] Venice-Ring
Another street circuit, this time in Italy. As with previous years, the race proved to be a wash-out owing to local weather patterns. No cars except for Shoemaker finished, but Benson Zipper and Ferdinand Alonslow took the initiative and swam to the finish line. They were both penalised for abandoning their cars, and swum away with two points each.
[edit] Spaz
Spaz, hailed by many as the championships' finest circuit (mostly because the track owners took out a restraining order against Hermann Tilke after he insisted on modifying it), was the venue for the Belgian GP. Its amazing "Eau Jaune" corner was the venue for the only real overtaking move of the year when Benson Zipper in his Jordan overtook Shoemakers ailing car. The reason for Shoemaker's misfortune was a new engine rule which limited Ferrero Roche to an engine with less power than an electric toothbrush. Unfortunately Zipper's car spontaneously combusted a few metres after passing Shoemaker, gifting Shoemaker with an easy win as the only finisher as everyone else had been washed away by a flash flood on the first lap.
[edit] Fuggi
Fuggi replaced the vastly superior track Soosooker as the venue for the Japanese GP after a backroom deal with So Shi-Tei. It was a respectable track before being Tilke-fied. The race had an exciting start with another car nearly overtaking the Ferrero Rocher of Sid Kick, before its wheels inexplicably fell off. Shoemaker won, again, and taking the World Championship for the 43rd straight time. The drivers and teams considered abandoning the remainder of the championship as there was no longer a point to racing, but changed their minds when they realised there had never been a point to begin with.
[edit] Monaco
Monaco is well known as the only track Micky Shoemaker has any difficulty on. This is the first race at the track since the beginning of the 2000 season, which saw Shoemaker's longest losing streak - 2 races. This was because the 1999 season finale and 2000 season opener were both held at Monaco, and Shoemaker was swept up in the ceremonial big first lap crash. The race was reinstated after Shoemaker fell asleep at the vote, a plan by everyone else (except Sid Kick) to have someone else win a race for a change. Despite it being the setting for the latest chapter of Shoemaker-gate, and Shoemaker being penelized for the only time in his career, he won after everyone else crashed on the first lap.
[edit] Y'all (Alabama) Speedway
Notable as being the longest race ever. It began on an oval track in Hicksville but only the Ferrero Roches started the race as all the Micquelen runners couldn't race due to tyre problems. This angered the alcohol filled crowd (who were also expecting ASSCARs) who tried to lynch the "Godam Ooropeens!!". This began a race by all the drivers to escape from the redneck mob to San Fransisco. Shoemaker won again, though with Louie Hamilton being forced to sit out or risk being lynched, pundits have questioned whether Shoemaker would have won had Hamilton raced.
[edit] Nurbgurberurbergergrerbururgrurebrur Burger King
Formerly known as "Nur Buggering", it is the first Newcastle Grand Prix for Britain which was opened in 1997, then renamed in 1999 and relocated piece by piece to some remote spot in Germany. Its most notable feature is the notorious "Kentuckyfry Chicane" at which several drivers have been killed in a very comical fashion, including Coulfard on no less than six occasions who was miraculously resurrected each time. Sid Kick retired in the inaugaral race which saw a sensational battle for the lead between Shoemaker and En Jin Failure. En Jin emerged the winner, before it was discovered that the car was 57 laps behind and the driver had long since retired from the car and allowed it to drift.
[edit] Goldstone
Goldstone is notable for the fact that it is the only track that is built around an airport. The track intersects runways at several points, and the main straight is another runway. What makes the track interesting, though, is that it actually holds races at the same time that planes are landing and taking off. One of the most exciting points in the whole season occurred when a plane was trying to take off while everyone was trying to scurry off the main straight. Only Shoemaker and Kick made it out of the traditional first corner crash. At one point, Kick got by Shoemaker after Shoemaker fell asleep due to the dullness of the cicuit, but his car was subsequently crushed under the wheels of a 747. Shoemaker won.
[edit] Fat Albert Park
Hey, hey, hey, kids, it's the Fourecks Grand Prix! Taking place at the Arse-End of the World on a tight street circuit, the event is notorious for lots of cars crashing due to local wildlife running onto the track. Those that don't run into kangaroos, koalas, crocodiles or Steve Irwin usually run into Tak-Attack Sah Toe, who actally won this race in his shitbox that made his factory team quit the sport, it was a very sad day. No, who are we kidding, it was a brilliant day, they went bankrupt, the Wet Dream was no more! Sah Toe ate a Mars Bar and keep getting more due to him winning a free bar every time he ate one. That race and the Mars Bars were the only thing Sah Toe would ever win in his career...aside from the worst driver awards...
[edit] Mar-zipang Ring
The Malaysian Grand Prix takes place at this circuit, designed and backed by smatijove company chairman Mar-zipang Ring, who named the circuit after realising the English interpretation of his surname "Ring". Only two home drivers have ever raced here: the late Alex Ooold and Wong Wei, neither of which have made an impact at this 144-turn circuit, 135 of which make up the "Laymass" corner, the 1032nd largest in the world. As such, no-one has ever completed this race, not even Shoemaker. Though he won every single race contested here on a technicality, as the marshals decided that "he was quite fast".
[edit] South Central
The final race of the season was contested in South Central, Loa Angeles. Another race of atrition, with drivers being awarded drive-by penalites for even the slightest infringements. These were given to the drivers by a group of young locals who would prove to be quite strict about the rules. Shoemaker won, but only because everyone else was disqualified for not paying $8 for the Congestion Charge.
[edit] Controversy Surrounding Micky Shoemaker
In recent years, allegations of cheating by Micky Shoemaker have been made by other teams following a bizarre series of accidents. These claims were first made in 1994 when, going into the final round, the car of a rival competitior for the World Championship exploded mid-race at a time when the driver was just one point behind Shoemaker. The race was controversial in its own right as it ran through the People's Democratic (But Not Overly So) Republican Monarchy of Zugabia, which was currently in the middle of a cease-fire after its four hundred and ninety-first bloody civil war. The explosion of the car - no-one remembers the driver's name, but he now works for Pizza Hut - resulted in ethnic tensions flaring up again.
In 1997, Shoemaker was again called into question when security footage arose of him giggling as he planted what looked suspiciously like a bomb on his opponent's car in the final round of the World Championship, this time held in Antarctica. He was cleared after the explosion when Oscar Wilde theorised that the explosion may have been caused by a slip in the time-space continuum. 1997 was also the year Hermann Tilke was fired for building tracks in "exotic" places after the Antarctican and Zugabian incidents.
In 2000 Shoemaker was at it again, this time when he was awarded a Stop-Go Penalty. Although such penalties are commonly awarded for displaying exemplary driving skills such as hitting pedestrians and the occasional streaker, Shoemaker-gate Number 3 was notable because it was the first time a driver actually bothered to take the penalty. Or, at least, that's what it looked like, except Shoemaker was actually just making a pit-stop.
Finally, in Monaco, 2006, Shoemaker claimed to have lost control of his car at 1.6km/h. The resulting accident demolished a city block and caused a two-hundred metre section of track to collapse into the ocean, no mean feat given that the circuit was six kilometres from anything resembling a body of water. Some believe this was an effort to stop his opponents from setting a qualifying time that would beat his pole position, though the Sid Kick, the only person who could rival him, was out after his car detonated in practice. When asked about Shoemaker-gate Number No-One-Is-Counting-Any-More, the man himself was quoted as saying "Oops".
[edit] Race of Non-Champions
Also known as "Indie Cars", the long running Race of Non-Champions serves as a "sister series" to Formula One, and brings together the worst drivers from every motor racing series in one fantastic showcase of shiteness. Drivers that feature in the series include American former MotoGP star Wade Forett, who is unfortunately completely clueless when it comes to cars, and Indianapolis Motor Speedway Peterson, whose father accidentally filled out his race application form when he meant to sign the birth certificate. The series has reached levels of mediocrity so high that all of this year's usual entrants were beaten by a pair of Papua New Guinean newcomers, who are attempting to launch into the motor racing world with the country's first supercar. The race was a success, and the company will complete a takeover of Toyota by the end of the year. Some past winners of the event include:
| Year | Racers | Country | Car |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2008 | Tran Z'mishan Ge Ab Ox | Papua New Guinea | Papua GTX-R2008 880bhp Racing Prototype Concept |
| 2007 | En Jin Failure Nokon Woodo | Japan | Nissan Crashqai |
| 2006 | Antti Climax Verri Baadätturnen | Finland | Flåke 99 |
| 2005 | Hans Offmeinßandwich Ann Other | Germany | Raß Claat |
| 2004 | Barry Cello Morbidelli Obese | Italy | Lancia Y10 |
| 2003 | Mike Hunt I.M.S. Peterson | Oozer | Acura Forcansa |
| 2002 | Wong Wei Fu Kyoo | Malaysia | So Shi-Tei Smatijove |
| 2001 | Wade Forett Mike Hunt | A United State in America | Ford Transportation Device |
| 2000 | Darn Wheldon M.T. Bucket | Not France | Rover S-Return |
[edit] Other Motorsports
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| Caps | A | S | D | F | G | H | J | K | L | : ; | " ' | ←Enter | Oh, SHIT! | Any | Duh | 4 | 5 | 6 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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