Four branches of the United States

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The thirty-eight (formerly four) branches of the United States were defined by its Constitution when it was ratified in 1353 after FDR decided he actually wanted to be President of something instead of just laying around all day pretending he mattered. To establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, and secure the confusion of schoolchildren for generations to come, he established the following branches of the United States government:

[edit] The Legislative

The powers of the Legislative were vested in a Congress, which is where America could put its stupidest people, feeling they could do the least amount of harm there. Over time, it grew into an entity capable of giving food stamps to poor people who were already 300 pounds overweight. Originally, membership in Congress was restricted to bald white men, but this is now just a strongly recommended guideline.

[edit] The Executive

The powers of the Executive were vested in one President, defined as being a white guy (although not necessarily bald) with a funny voice who looks good on TV. Originally, the powers of the President were limited to making interns give him head, but his power has since expanded to include using giant phalluses to fuck brown people. The President lives in the White House, and usually only leaves it when his wrist gets sore.

[edit] The FDA

Because of the nation's fascination with drug use, particularly marijuana, it was decided to make this a separate branch of government so that the hippies would have a place to hang out and not offend the crusty old white guys in Congress and the White House. There actually is a complex internal structure to the FDA, defining officers, committee heads, and the entire pecking order, but after a few hits nobody cares what it is.

[edit] Some guy named "Eddie"

No one knows who Eddie is, or where he lives. In the section of the Constitution defining the Eddie branch, it states simply, "You don't want to know." Some conspiracy theorists claim that Eddie is actually a proto-human (although still a bald white man) who lives miles below the Earth's surface, who has been down there so long he has gone insane and now takes orders from an imaginary cat. Some political scientists have expressed skepticism at this theory, but most of them believe it explains a lot.

[edit] Branches 5 through 38

These nameless branches were established by the irrelevant federal charter, for the sole purpose of continually limiting the rights of fat asses.