Fred Phelps
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“He is really not so very ugly at all. Provided one closes his eyes and does not look at him.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Fred Phelps
“Nigga, you dumb.”
~ Huey Freeman on Fred Phelps
Queen Fred the Fabulous, also known by his common name, Fred 'Up the Ass' Phelps, born ~750,000 BC is a closet homosexual old man who will be dead soon, so it doesn't bother me that much.[1]. He is also an insensitve, homophobic, facist, hypocritcal, evil, and senile old blashpheming pig who thinks God will not be happy with America until we force all homosexuals into concentration camps and gas them to death. Phelps was born in Topeka, Kansas, though until recently his residence was in the ninth circle of Hell (Satan possessed his body on earth during that time and since then he has made many statements that he will reclaim it upon death). Fred Phelps is also one of the last remaining Homo erectus on Earth. He is also well known for looking like a retard and scaring small children, and constantly masturbating about his own penis, if he had one. He also happens to be a world famous gay porn actor, starring in over 2000 gay porn films. He has won many gay porn awards, including "Best Anal Sex Scene" for "My Dick Smells Like Shit Part 27" (2003), "Best 69 Scene" for "You Suck Mine, I'll Suck Yours" (2004), and "Best Reach Around" for "I Love Feces and Semen, Especially The Ones From Sodomites Part 69" (2006). The latter movie contained Phelps' well-known catchphrase, "I'm a dirty filthy faggot and I love it!".
During his high-school years, Fred Phelps was an avid homosexual and black person. Fred Phelps was the man who originally got The Village People together, most of whom were from his close circle of homosexual friends. However, upon starting the group it was decided that his "homosexual priest" gimmick just didn't work along with a cowboy, Native American and builder.
Alone, rejected and boiling with anger Fred decided to do the only sensible thing he could do: He started his own branch of Christianity. That's like starting a new religion but lerss drastic. This, for Fred, was the ultimate revenge against The Village People. He quickly went around his home and converted all his rainbow flags into picket signs to protest homosexuality. He began beating his daughter and she was quickly brain-washed: after such a beating however she now smiles in a rather disturbing manner.
Fred Phelps purportedly had a friendship with Fred Rogers, sexual relations with Rick Santorum, and is a collector of SpongeBob Square Pants episodes and Ozzy Osbourne vintage records. Phelps is the former Pope of Greenwich Village, Commissioner of the NBA and, since 1987, the Associate Grand Wizard of the National Association of Independent Baptist Covens. He has gained fame for having two cows on his property, which he claims to be miles from a paved road and both of which he has sex with daily. Fred Phelps also likes to spend time poking himself, in the anus, with a wine bottle, a habit that combines his alcoholism with his repressed homosexuality.
Fred Phelps is "Super Fabulous" and is loved so much in Commonwealths like Kentuckistan, that often state congresses will write laws demanding Phelps show up at as many funerals is possible, since everyone loves Fred Phelps. He is even more loved when he comes to the military funerals to comfort the families and spread his homosexual ways. Yes, indeed we truly love Fred Phelps.
Fred Phelps is the dining car on the man train.
It should be noted that Fred Phelps loves semen and feces, especially those from sodomites. In fact, he loves them so much that he's not afraid to tell the world about feces and semen.
This brings us nicely onto his comeback (Quite literally, in fact, the 'cumback' is a Phelps' specialty), into the gay porn industry in his later years:
[edit] His comeback into the gay porn industry
It's true, Phelps is an insane hate-filled fascist, but this is simply because his anus hasn't been massaged in several centuries. Since this realization, he has come out of retirement for new, fresh, young flesh.
With help from the gay unit of his family, Fred managed to rediscover his homosexual cravings by starring in such films as "Bend Over And Let Me Phelp All Over Your Face", "Take It Like a Phelp", and "Suck My Love Phelp". Most of these films were funded by the Southern Baptist Church, itself a hotbed of homosexual orgies.
Phelps helped invent the term 'GILF' or, "Grandad I'd like to Fuck", which is a play on the more widely known term 'MILF', or Mother I'd Like to Fuck (Source: Oxford English Dictionary). He has also starred in many bukkake films, specializing in cowboy bukkake.
Phelps also co-starred in a movie with his grandson, a movie which in his words "Was to bring together the oppressed groups of gays and pedophiles", an interview which drew a mixed bag of emotions from Phelps who shed a tear when saying this, claiming that the oppression of pedophiles and gays is an abomination which hurts him greatly. Due to hysterical crying, the grandson was unable to comment on this, the child's mother stating that "It's Jesus-approved, so it is ok. Stop crying boy!".
[edit] Notes on the Caring Nature of Fred Phelps
Fred can be a gracious and caring man who runs an anti-smoking campaign aimed at local children, as well as an anti-fag church. He bestows endless love upon his second husband, Ann Coulter. Mr Phelps, naturally, loves children, preferably doggy style, or on an open-faced sandwich with mustard and relish.
When Matt Shepard was beaten to death in Wyoming, Phelps picked up a deli platter at Kroger and brought it to his parents' house. He sat up several nights holding Judy Shepard's hand until she drifted off to sleep. However, he also protested at her son's funeral.
Phelps is a vocal supporter of FAoD (Free Abortions on Demand), a service offered through your friendly local cable provider.
[edit] The Early Years
Fred Cornhole Phelps was stillborn to Adolph Hitler-Phelps and his younger brother, Darshan Cowles. Pat Robertson-Phelps (mother) one cold, damp morning in their cave in a landfill in Sodomy, Mississippi. According to the Centers for Disease Control, its birth was a mundane occasion - its mother went to the outhouse in the back yard and simply shat it out, though this is not an unusual occurrence for a member of the Phelps family. As a result, its mother named it Fred Cornhole Phelps. According to its Mom, a well-known abortionist, televangelist and professional moron, she chose the name 'Fred' because "it best represented the sound of shit hitting the side of the toilet." Both his parents are currently dead and are in Hell as punishment for bringing Fred Phelps into the world.
[edit] The Salem Witch Trials
Fred arrived in the town of Salem in 1690 where it was peaceful. Within a few months hundreds were dead as Fred preached his evil word. He demanded sex so his congregation could save their souls. Young virgins were offered to him on his throne of human skulls but were rejected as he craved young boy flesh. He began to fuck hundreds of boys, all offered to him as tribute from all over New England. He would become King of Salem and its surrounding territories in 1692. He also demanded a Utopia of him and young boys so all women regardless of age were burnt in giant wicker-men, along with any who tried to stop him, including Fred's former boyfriend John Proctor, who had dumped Fred because he was an arsehole (All records of the time replaced Fred's name with that of Abigail Williams out of shame of being associated with such a Nazi Pig). Fred danced naked like the heathen Druids of old as they were roasted to death. He also demanded the extermination of al homsexuals over 16 in the area, out of desire to be be the gayest man in all New England, so he couldn't afford any competition.
He used his men to go out and capture more young boys as he would then tutor them in the arts of sodomy and oral sex. It is estimated that he had sex with over 80,000 boys between 1690-95. Yet this state of his, often referred to as Sodovania, would be brought crashing to its knees.
[edit] The battle of Cuntsborough Creek
On April 7th 1699, Fred and an armed forced of around 500 settlers and 300 male teens from his personal bodyguard of catamites were traveling into Indian country of the Tittywank tribal confederacy. Fred's army would come across an Indian force some 3,000 strong set up in a defensive position near the Cuntboro' Creek.
Fred saw a chance to procure more young boys from the tribes. He would never incorporate them into his army but preferred to sodomise them and then chuck them into shitstabber gorge in Maine. It was estimated around 300,000 young boy Indians were killed and fucked by him between 1699-1705.
Fred launched the attack. He had one cannon and proceeded to bombard the enemy position as he sent the 500 settlers across the creek. The water was only waist-high so they were across in quick time as the Indians scattered into the mooncricket forest. Suddenly Fred could see that they were running and ordered a pursuit. The 500 settlers whooped and screamed and chased after the Indians. Fred and his bodyguard crossed the creek and then enjoyed a picnic and nice brutal orgy on its banks.
Suddenly, a cry arose from the woods along with gunshots and screams. The settlers began running out of the forest. The leaders told Phelps that it was an ambush as rebel Negro slaves numbering 500 had allied itself with the Indians. Fred withdrew his dick from a young boy's mouth and only had time to pull up his trousers before the Negro-Indian alliance charged from the forest. Fred's settlers ran, only to be hacked down by the heathens. Fred's bodyguard, now naked, stood around their leader with the settlers and made a giant square with the catamites shoving dicks up each others' arses so nobody would push them back.
Yet the sheer numbers were too much. Hundreds of coons and redskins died but eventually the line buckled and Fred's army broke. His bodyguards were hacked to pieces and then scalped. The settlers ran but Fred was on horseback and screamed at them "False Prophet! You better believe you goin' to Hell for this!". The settles were tired and pissed off and dragged Fred from his horse. They cut his Achilles tendons and left him for the insane horde. Fred was in agony and tried to flee but was caught by the Indian/Negro mob and gang-raped in a bizarre riverside orgy. Fred enjoyed it and the Indians, clearly disgusted, put a few arrows in his throat. He was skinned, scalped and castrated and left to die on the river bank.
His body was later found by passing trappers. His body was molested and robbed. Yet that caused Fred to rise from the dead. He slashed the throats of both trappers and took their canoe as well as their son who was screaming as Fred sodomised him to regain his power. Fred then ate the child and then traveled down the ballsdeep river to New York which would begin a whole new chapter of his nonce and child abuse antics. Fred later died of AIDS and was reborn as a human being, coincidentally to the descendants of his parents in his life as a homo erectus. To ensure his evil survived intact, Fred travelled back in time to the date of his orignal birth and used his knowledge of human history to engineer various tradgedies such as the black plague, crusades, England's world cup victory and the creation of Barney the dinosaur.
[edit] The Wonder Years
However, Fred, upon reaching the dull age of 749,928, was finally caught by his family who had pursued him for millenums, and was forcibly entered into the local kindergarten, where he soon befriended his future wife and sister, Emo Phelps. Emo and Fred spent the next few years together working through the various lessons and tasks of kindergarten. They graduated, and both proceeded to enter first grade. It is disputable that Fred stumbled on the meaning of life just before entering the first grade. However he found it more enjoyable being gay (see next section).
[edit] The School Years
In first grade, Emo and Fred learned the basics of the world: North is up, the Qur'an is false, and you can't always trust gravity. The rest of their grade school experience was largely taken up with necro-bestiality and eating dung, so it shan't be mentioned. This is a preventative measure intended to protect you, dear reader from being bored to shit.
As a child Fred Phelps won the prize for "gayest kid in Westboro". He truly has earned this title. At the early age of 10 he had already revolutionized homosexual culture by writing the "We're here, we're queer" anthem now sung at many gay pride parades. His gayness may be a direct result of the amount of priests who refused to even touch him. Fred's first grade teacher had this to say: What could he say, Fred was that queer he was lost for words.
[edit] The Ministry Years
Upon leaving grade school, Fred Phelps became a loving, wonderful person, spreading goodness and converting people left to his own right interpretation of Necrophilia which he calls "Westboroism". His deep understanding and empathy is really what won people over to his message. Fred was seen as an expert on what to do with your cock. His vast knowledge of masturbation and gay sex made him loved by Friends of Dorothy everywhere. The knowledge of cock spread as Fred made his way across space.
His methods of ministry include sending flowers congratulating mothers and their newborns, writing letters to the editor in praise of the military, comforting grieving widows, donating all that he has to the poor, and spending time in prisons and hospitals. His service has fed thousands in San Francisco. In several famous cases, he gave the clothes from his very body to a freezing addict.
In 1933 Fred met up with his future business partners, Adolph Hitler and Barney the dinosaur. Admiring Fred's "Unwavering, unrelenting cruelty and big red cock," Hitler gave Fred a key position in the third reich. Fred later began an intense sexual relationship with Hitler, and with Barney's aid masterminded many "diplomatic" projects in the Rhineland, as well as the Austrain, Czech and Polish borders between 1936 and 1939. However, when the allies invaded France in 1944 Barney was captured and executed (only to rise from the dead) and Fred sneaked back to America, disguised as an Austrian prostitute, and resumed his career as a man whore.
This was not to last, however...
[edit] A Great White Religion is Conceived
In 1955, while being sodomized in a Topeka motel by a burly man known only as "Cletus", Fred Phelps had a vision of the Angel Conveniently Made Up. The angel admonished Phelps, saying unto him "Yea, for in the eyes of the Lord God fags are no good at all, and He hates fags, and thou art condemned to eternal hellfire for thy sinful buggery," Phelps, stunned, fell prostrate and begged the angel if there was no way to repent for his sins.
Thus queried, the angel said, "Of course: as thy asshole hath offended the Lord our God, thou must become the largest asshole in the world to cleanse thy sinnery."
Phelps, thus charged by the angel, took the message to heart and finished his sodomy session without the customary reach-around before showing Cletus the door. After cleaning up, Phelps set out to form a new ministry to spread the words of the vision he had received. However, having only a precious few words from the angel from which to make a covenant with the Lord, Phelps parsed the most valuable lesson he could wrap his IQ of upwards of 85 around:
- "God does not like fags in the least." But this had too many words, and eventually became "God hates fags."
From this inspired wellspring of divine inspiration, Phelps became a lawyer, then a mass-marketeer, but then seemingly missed a golden opportunity by not becoming a televangelist. This would have easily allowed him to reach a wider audience and annoy the shit out of more people with his drastically oversimplified, even moronic interpretation of God's word, but Phelps clearly lost out on a marvelous chance to make himself and his ministry even more widely-loathed. (Citation Needed) It's been said that it was during his time as a lawyer that he glued his asshole shut because it was feared he had anal cancer after too much fag sex. Because of this, Fred Phelps shits from his mouth, especially when preaching. One occasion was at the funeral of Matthew Shepard, when he couldn't even say 'God hates fags' once, which he often wanted to say, without spewing out a whole lot of shit.
From his tiny ministry established firmly in the basement of his modest Topeka home, Phelps set out to erase any trace of his previous dandy dalliances and married some homely mule, who would bear him upwards of nine proto-mongoloid children from which would come the primary "numerical" expansion of his ministry.
Fred regained his homosexual tendencies 20 years later, in the 70s and then with a group of his fag mates, he created the Village People. However, he was kicked out of the group and replaced with two straight men after his 'gay priest' gimmick just didn't work. It angered him, and made his hatred of gays even worse. He then focused on his ministry and forgot all about his love towards homosexuality.
[edit] The Gay '90's for Westboro
Sometime in the late 1980s, Fred Phelps looked into the mostly empty pews of his ministry and realized no one except for his own children were coming to hear his fascinating and deeply intellectual sermons. Then, as if on cue, the Angel Conveniently Made Up appeared before him and said:
"Fred, taketh brightly colored signs with words written upon them and use them to spread thy wisdom to those who can read! Picket! Picket in the name of Our Lord! Do this at places such as the funerals of fags, or funerals of non-fags, or businesses that have some Kevin Bacon-like connection with fags, or anywhere, really, just so long as it pisses someone off, hopefully fags."
Thus charged by God, Phelps executed his mission with flair, taking his family hither and yon, seeking out events that one would not normally consider picketing, such as groundbreaking ceremonies ("God hates fag ground breakers!"), the opening of public buildings ("God hates fag libraries!") and funerals of newborns ("God hates fag unbaptized children!"). Though his cult was not very widely liked, they attracted much attention at several national history museums when they caught wind of the discovery of the human ancestor Homo erectus ("Fag cavemen in Hell!").
During the 90s, Phelps and his ministry logged over 5,000 picketing events, although it seems the picketing didn't stop a damned thing. It was during this golden time for Phelps that his children began intensive inbreeding, as well as ever-more colorful and creative sign-making.
However, Phelps' critics point out that fags (which they call homosexuals) continued running around pretty much the same as they had done before, and even in instances where it could be argued that God's hatred for them resulted in fatal calamity (the death of Matthew Shepard, for example), there was no proof of this. Moreover, it could be argued that there was no point at all to any of the picketing, a view not shared by the Westboro Baptist Church or Fred Phelps.
In 1999, it is rumored that Phelps, undaunted by the hollow idiocy and clear failure of the entire undertaking of "fag-picketing", made a sign that read "God hates my fag wife" and picketed his wife for several weeks. It is not known if this picketing was successful, as she remains in her Homeliness by his side, a good and dutiful beard.[citation needed]
[edit] Inbreeding
The leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps, does not allow members of his church to marry people outside of it. Since his church consists only of his family, this has led to many cases of incest and inbreeding, which might account for some of their behavior. However, it is not fully known whether Fred Phelps is actually an inbred or not. Many say yes. It is a proven fact that he forces his own children and grandchildren to guzzle down his semen in a ritual he describes as "Fag heaven."
[edit] Turn of the Century: The Shenanigans Continue in Earnest
In a surprising twist of irony, Fred "Asshole the size of Texas" Phelps preached that the raping of dogs is OK in his book, which in an even more ironic statement is the Bible.
The turn of the century saw no change whatsoever from Phelps and his ministry, though at times they seemed directionless, picketing post office drop-off boxes, people walking dogs, and day-care centers for special-needs children.
The media began to tire of Westboro's antics, and even people being actively picketed began to develop a robust tolerance of the ministry's hateful demonstrating. In a hand-held recording of a McDonald's in Topeka being picketed by Phelps and his clan for serving "Fag hamburgers to fags", the manager of the franchise stands near the small cluster of Westboro protesters, shaking his head and smiling. The audio is muffled, but audible:
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: Look, you guys are too much. Seriously.
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: I'd ask you to leave, but...
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: I'd ask you to leave, but I think you're attracting more patrons. Could I ask you to just keep it down while the customers enjoy some Big Macs and laugh at you?
PHELPS: You're going to Hell, fag!
MANAGER: Look, I'm gay and I'm comfortable with it. I'd just ask you to please keep it down.
PHELPS: Sodomite! You're going to Hell to burn with you and your fag hamburgers! None will be saved!
MANAGER: Thanks ever so much.
PHELPS: What's that bulge in your pants?
MANAGER: That's my long, thick, hard willie whomper.
PHELPS: What's it taste like?
- tape ends
The video cuts out soon afterwards, but Phelps appears clearly flustered at his inability to rankle anyone, at one point hitting one of his children with his picket.
Unfortunately for Phelps, fate (and a bullet) were about to intervene.
[edit] His First Death
Emo Phelps became worried that his ministry was taking a large toll on his life, and even worse, taking a massive shit on their sex life. She soon hired Agent Cletus to roundhouse shoot Fred. Cletus first bitch-slapped and then kicked Fred, but of course skull fucked him first, causing his first death. Fred's last words before his first death were "Oh shi-!".
[edit] First Erection, Second Coming of the Ministry
Fred Phelps lay dead for a few minutes. But as his father stated, "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons, even death may die." Fred soon rose from the dead and resumed his ministry of love and understanding.
[edit] A New Beginning
After his rise from the dead, Fred Phelps was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by the United Nations. He thankfully accepted this nomination and subsequently, in gratitude, endorsed the suicide bombing of a Calvinist church in Nashville, Mexico. He was nearly arrested, but his kind words and sexually deviant methods of seduction helped him elude this.
Fortunately for Westboro, the events of September [[11th, 2001 provided ample opportunity for Phelps and his brood to protest everything in America anew, especially those soldiers killed fighting The War Against Terror.
Subsequently, the malaise towards Westboro with which the public had been stricken at the turn of the century gave way to more of a furious, fist-swinging anger, as the grief of familial loss combined with the sight of a dozen or so braying Midwestern jackasses with nonsensical, ludicrous signs proved too much for most to take.
To this end, Phelps and many members of the Church have suffered cuts, bruises, abrasions, Indian burns, wet willies, broken bones, sprains, dislocated shoulders, lost teeth, tittie twisters, gouged eyes and even curb-stompings. And sometimes these wounds are the result of people outside of the Phelps family. Though externally the repeated beatings (which are tacitly allowed by law enforcement across the country) seem to be dampening the malicious spirit of the Westboro Baptist Church, Phelps (minus several teeth and with a severely shattered nose) continues to preach his special, pointless brand of religious hatred to anyone who will listen, which is currently his own family.
In early 2006, Phelps was seen marching around the Westboro complex wearing a suit made of bubble wrap, holding a sign aloft reading "God is a fag". It is not known if this sign signaled a daring new course of irrational hatred for Phelps and his ministry, for both Phelps and the sign were soon doused by one of the bi-weekly launchings of liquefied pig feces delivered by catapult into the compound by members of the state-approved Douse Fred Phelps With Pig Shit Society.
In June of 2006 Dayton, Ohio was named by the Westboro Baptist Church's monthly publication "Fag Beat" as the "Gayest City in the Midwest".
In April of 2007, Phelps appeared on a live pay-per-view WWE wrestling event. In a four-way last-man-standing cage match, Phelps faced an invisible clone of Adolph Hitler, Steven Hawking in a 40-foot tall walking robot suit, and an 80-gigabyte iPod. Expectations were high and many called it the fight of the century, but fans watching the event on television across the globe were stunned when Phelps prematurely ejaculated only 45 seconds into the match. Phelps was disqualified, and in the following chaos Hawking stomped the iPod (heavily favored to win) into dust in a staggering upset. The match was called off and stricken from the record by the WWE board of directors because no one could figure out if Invisible Hitler had actually showed up in the first place, but over the next month several arena employees claimed to have heard slurping sounds, groans of pleasure, and various German phrases "mein cock" from outside Phelps' dressing room later that night after the match.
The official doctrine of Westboro Baptist Church is that everyone who is not a member of Westboro baptist church is going to Hell. Its true. Weep for your sodomite sins. Only the 84 people in the church go to Heaven, the other 6.7 billion fags will rot in Hell for eternity.
[edit] The Final Years
One day in early 2008, Phelps was transported to the year 3477 and was brutally beaten by Xenu on the moon, and he now lay dying on the moon, and he reflected on his life by commissioning a song and dance number featuring the ghost of Andrew Lloyd Webber. He sent this play around the world, and all over the moon. Fred Phelps lay dying for 30 long years, and passed the time with frequent masturbation sessions to crude hand-made pornographic drawings. Finally, at the age of who fucking knows years old, Fred Phelps threw himself off the moon and was hit by a borg cruiser. Fred Phelps also decided to have a sex-change and become a woman, adopting the name of Fredenna Cornhole Phelps. However this did not last. He returned to Earth soon after, however his shit didn't continue for long.
[edit] The Final death of Fred Phelps
At the grand old age of 523, Fred was killed at his fortified ranch on April 18, 2008, at noon. A Homosexual Paramilitary Organisation called the B.D.I.M.A (Balls Deep In Men Alliance) attacked his complex with over 250 members armed with dildos and explosive anal beads. Fred was outnumbered but his family of 50, and the 80 brainwashed denizens of Westboro Catholic Church fought like the Hell's own arse-bandit division. Armed with 18th-century muskets and spears they defended the house to the last. Scores of raving marmite miners were gunned down but they eventually gained a foothold on the walls, only to be met by Phelps and his own bodyguard who began chucking buckets of boiled urine at the invaders.
Sadly though, the homos crashed through the downstairs defenses. Fred's daughters were subjected to a horrendous gang-rape and had their throats slashed and were then lynched on his patio. Fred's henchman Steve attempted to block the stairs but was caught, shoved into an oven and cooked to death.
Fred was horrified and his bodyguards urged him to flee as they ran into the mob of queers. They fought until overwhelmed and were then fucked to death.
Phelps began to climb to the roof. Three fags followed. Fred turned, tore off his shirt and screamed "False Prophet! Fag enablers!" He ran but was battered unconscious by the three, armed with 18-inch dildos. His body was then raised high and chucked from the roof. The mob ran at Fred and simply tore him to pieces but not before he was fucked in every hole and given AIDS by the pack of sick cunts.
He was buried in Topeka Kansas. Many people came to his witness his grave on a daily basis, usually to piss, shit, or do any other horrible form of vandalism to it. THANK GOD FOR DEAD PHELPS!...but....a return was to come.
His final resting place was located somewhere in the 9th circle of Hell.
[edit] Return and Rape and Death of Fred Phelps
Phelps came back from the dead to strike terror in the hearts of people and just when we thought all hope was lost, a fag Catholic priest named Guilliono La Tella stood up to Fred and raped him in the ass. He enjoyed it, however shot himself in the head by accident. It was hilarious and millions of people picketed his funeral.
[edit] Second Res-Erection
Fred once again rose from the dead in September 2008, only this time while his body wasn't inhabited by himself which instead was taken by a fellow gay classmate (known by the name of Lucie Ferr), his soul was rather transferred to the penis of a young man, with an obsessed foot fetish. Nearly three-five times a day, Fred was indulge and was forcefully had to spit out a number of semen as the young man enjoyed masturbating through a lot of foot fetish websites and videos. Course it wasn't long until the young man's mother one day found out and had no other choice but to cut his penis off and later burned it. During that time, Fred kept crying or for his sake cumming, in the sake to spare the agony from him. Afterwards his spirit was no longer valid as the SPIC (Spirits Inhabited Council) had no other choice but to have his forgotten soul trapped in a Magic Card from Magic the Gathering.
Meanwhile, the gay man who inhabited Fred's body for six years would later die after finding out that the body was weakened and diagnosed with Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-AIDS. In accordance to his will, he wishes nothing more to be buried in Fred's body with his left hand rubbing his penis, his right finger extending right up his rectum, his left foot to tryout for next years' Summer Olympics, and have his second hand strangling his neck, while he choked on the very same pretzel George Bush choked on.
[edit] Cause for alarm
However, scientific evidence suggests his reign of terror is yet to end. An analysis on Phelps's corpse suggests that, he is not in fact merely a biggoted, hateful old prick but an elemental force embodying hatred as well as nipple rings. His spirit has caused much misery, hardship and purchase of nipple rings in the past and may do so again in the future.
250,000,000 BC. Fred (As a Dimetredon) Assembles an army of fellow demidredons, and under the slogan of "God hates Edaphosaurs" his vile horde wipes out 90% of life on Earth. The remaining 10% unites to fight back. While uncontolled inbreeding mean that the Phelps horde outnumbers the enemy 666 to 1, it also means all their redundant toes get in the way, and are obliterated along with Fred, although half of the recistance is wiped out as well.
65,000,000 BC. After introducing Barney the Dinosaur's mother to her future husband Satan, Fred (This time in the form of a Tyranosaurs) leads the Dinosaurs on a genocidal killing spree, wiping out 60% of life on Earth.Before they can finish off the last 40%, God flattens them with an asteroid.
When he will strike next, no one knows.
But nobody listens to him anymore, so frankly, who cares.
[edit] Fred Phelps : The Return
However, recent evidence has surfaced that suggests the evil one still walks the Earth. Recently a murder case in Topeka took place where the charred body of a local priest was found with galons of semen in his mouth near a massive crater. It later emerged that this priest, known as Alex le Perver would record confessions of church goers and later black mail them over the video tapes (incidently he was also molesting alter boys but he hadn't bothered paying for the blackmail to the cops) The tape recording found at the crime scene revealed chilling details of his final moments.
Perver: My son, what do you wish to confess? Fred Phelps: Much father. Perver: Well, just as long as your not one of those "I killed my goldfish" crybabies. Fred: You know me well. Perver: Fred? Why I haven't scene you since that little slip up athe the Neverland Ranch. So please enlighten me, what is a brainless fanatic like yourself doing in God's house? Fred: Come on now, we're both child molesting, man banging false prophets, why should we worry about that? Perver: Touche. Fred: Well, I would like to confess a few things... not only am I a bigot, racist, anti semite pig, flaming homo sexual, adamant conservative, Michael Jackson fan, wife beater, cartoon lover, cum slut, man whore, cow hooker, shrimp shagger, enthusiastic liberal, furry, tap dancer, mime artist, fan of Epic Movie, life long member of NAMBLA, flaming queen and a pedophile, but I have also gone and gotten my righteous buddies Satan, Geoffrey Leonard, and the Barney the sexy dinosaur have arranged a scheme to send you fags packing, a scheme so malicious, so dastardly, and so perverse it's lightest word would harrow my cum and make my dick stand on edge like the frills on the fretful Porcupine... Perver: That's nice Fred. Now cough up $10 and no one gets hurt. If not I'm pretty sure the the local cops would be intrested in this. Fred: You blackmailing me! I need that money for sex! Perver: Huh? Fred: Because... Well it doesn't matter... Perver: Well, cough up the dough. Fred: Oh, I'll be coughing up all right... (chanting) Ru Rehtaf ow tram nit Janeva... (Rumbling, then a huge smashing sound come through the floor) Perver: Good God! Mysterious Voice: Quite the opposite actually! (Tape cuts out)
This serves as strong evidence of Fred's continued existence along with "The Great Dicktator," a porno starring him and Shirley, though while analysits have confirmed he was in the video, wheather or nor he was actually alive is a matter of some debate.
[edit] The False Prophet Cometh
Intelligence gathred by MI6 has revealed that not only is Freddie boy alive, but he has gathered together a sect of his gay pals known to some as the... BARNEY BUNCH! Consisting of Drew Pickles, Barney, Geoffrey Leonard, Ronald Mac Donald, Dick the Clown and now Fred, they have issued a plot to march down to Paul Mc Cartney memorial high and rape all the male students there, as well as the dinner ladies who might as well be men anyway. However, Leonardo da Vinci has gotten wind of this foul plot, and along with his fellow non evil homo sexual friends including Zippie, George, Bert and Ernie they plan to stop Fred by barring his path to the school with a massive high way covering orgy. When asked why they didn't just put a roadblock up, Leonardo said that it was a measure of self defense as the huge display of man ass would so mesmorise all the the local homophones (aka, Closet Fags) that they wouldn't stone them. The Barney Bunch's assault is poised to move out on Halloween, but as long as the Leonardo Liasons have a breath on their body or swell in their knobs, Fred shall not pass.
[edit] Legal issues
However, Fred realized that the above scheme was a farce even the most scramblebrained Uncyclopediean would never think of laughing at, so he retreated back to the sactuary of his church to put his greavinces behind him and live out his life in peace. Or as peaceful as a man who went around trying to prevent rescue efforts in 911 can live. However, latley his church was struck with tradgedy when a fire consumed his garage, picket signs and fence, leaving a pile of ash that coincedeantally spelt out the words "F-U Freddy!" Presumed to be arson, Fred has anounced the culprit to be a "Filthy crook nosed Jew fag!" However, police briefs from eyewitness's describe the culprit as being around 16feet tall, being a caucasian male with a long flowing white beard, deep eyes and having a undimable aura of glowing light. Fred had declared this action to be a bigoted, unreasonable hate crime against his church, and plans to protest this sickeining act of bigitory and predjudice by buring the Holocaust memorial to the ground.
In the meantime, research is still trying to determine the cause of Fred's rebirth, and what signifcance it will entail for the world. As mentioned, no-one listens to him anymore, so its most likely no-one cares what possible significance Fred's resurrection may have. He will star in a fag film entitled High Cruel Musical, in 2009. If he is murdered between now and then, which is highly probable, his buddy Geoffrey Leonard is second preference to star.
[edit] Trivia
- Has no friends.
- Fred has a daily routine to lean towards his daddy's dick and then stick his nostrils inside of it and tell him to wait for the cleansers to run during the time where he had to wipe the shit of his daughter-in law, Shirley and take a big slurp out of her big pussy, before finishing off to her six month pregnancy.
- Has been voted the #1 biggest mistake ever been born, next to the Nuclear Man from Superman 4 and the triple cheesesteak.
- Enjoys butter a lot more than Louie Anderson, especially if he gets to lick it on his grandchildren's forehead after cumming all over it and then wiping it around their faces with his benevolent small, but spongy dick.
- Favorite movies of all-time is Battlefield Earth (2000), Baby Geniuses (1999), Baby Geniuses 2: SuperBabies (200,004), and Gigli: The Way Horribly Bad-version, if not the movie itself (5204 B.C.)
- At the age of 25, he once said, "Boy, would I like nothing but a good ol' steaming, hot fancy sausage right over here to where my penis should be. But hey, a she-man can dream, right? Right? (cries like a little wussy fuck)".
- Most of his followers from the church, have a usual routine to be his personal suppository during their picket protest.
- He posed in the infamous goatse pic.
- Is a recurring child predator as seen in 'To Catch a Predator', he admitted his American dream is to make love to boys up the ass until it's nice and damp, like the way his daddy did it. In one particular episode, he arrived at the house naked, up to the point the whole crew had to leave and puke after looking at his pink-swollen chopped penis with barely half a testicle.
- He is Barney the Dinosaur's favourite bum chum. Along with Becky Fischer they plan to take over the world by driving sensible people to suicide, or turning them to spounge minions.
- He had numerous sodomy sessions with Geoffrey Leonard, despite the fact Leonard only fucks boys under 10. He described it as "fabulous!!!"
- Phelps can often be found in Yahoo Chat rooms, from the circle of hell he's in, under the sign in name "gayboi69." He is famous for sending out fake photos of his genitals. His actual dick is not even half an inch long when fully erect.
- Phelps is a self-proclaimed FPS video game junkie, his favorite being Halo 2. He is known for teabagging every player on the map, regardless of who killed them (or if they are even dead yet).
- Fred Phelps has only one known redeeming trait: his earnest and unwavering hatred of unfunny uncyclopedia entries.
- He also likes to play Wario Ware, and one of his guilty little pleasures is fapping the Wii-remote up and down imagining that this is the penis of his inbred sister.
- His immediate family is famous for its technique of strangling racehorses breeded from his own loins.
- The most common known bit of trivia, he is functionally retarded.
- Many agnostics believe that (and I quote) "If there is a God, we are pretty sure He would hate Fred Phelps." [2]
- Although it was highly disputed, God did actually talk to Fred Phelps. but of course Fred told God he was a fag. and God did smite him by forcing Fred to fuck a pig.
- Fred used to play bass in a well known band in Japan called "SuPPAH HaPPEEE FuN ShoW DAnCe TYmEE", but after their third CD "Boner Licker" the band was chased out of the country by an angry mob of gay farm animals.
- Phelps possesses the rare ability to speak clearly (though not to hear) with his head inserted snugly inside his own ass. Only eight other individuals in the world can boast this feat.
- Fred loves fags. Well he used to be one, so how can he not love them.
- Even Tom isn't Fred Phelps' friend.
- Ann Coulter is his number one friend and strap on buddy.
- Fred enjoys a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice before going to his protests.
- Everyone hates Fred Phelps, even you do (or will when you read and hear what he says and does).
- He bears a uncanny Resembalace to Count Dracula only with grey hair and no eyebrows. he also looks like Lord Voldemort and shares the same ideals.
- God hates Phelps. Even though he's not real.
- Fred Phelps LOVES the cock! Seriously... He's insatiable... Loves the wonderful tea parties.
- He is the subject of Hitler's little known second book, Mein Boyfriend. It contains many vivid descriptions of the their lewd, depraved sex acts, including 25 pages on how well Phelps uses his tongue to give "Butterflies" to Der Fuhrer.
- He once said God hates Australia, but everyone knows God hates Australia's little sister.
- People who like Fred Phelps: Satan, Barney, Shirley Phelps Roper, Anton Chigurh, George Dubya Bush, Adolf Hitler, the Backstreet Boys, Geoffrey Leonard, Pope Benedick.
- People who dislike him: You can probably guess can't you?
- Here's a clue, you're one of them, unless you are one of the few above, in which case be gone, o foul demon!
- Fred was spawned from the dump God took on the Seventh day.
- Phelps plays a game with his friends where they cum on a cookie, and the last person do so has to eat it. Phelps tries to be last every time.
- Phelps is an avid Philadelphia Phillies fan.
- He is related to the greatest swimmer in the world, Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps fans don't even know this either!
[edit] Quotes about Fred Phelps
“At least we know he will burn in hell...”
~ me on Fred Phelp's final destination
“It is truly a rare and hateful individual who could hate something so perfect.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Fred Phelps hatred of him
“That guy makes me want to crawl under my bed and call for mommy every time I see him. He's certainly someone I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.”
~ Dracula on Fred Phelps
“I tried to claim his soul last year, but it turned out that Satan had already beaten me to it decades ago.”
~ Pennywise the Clown on Fred Phelps' soul (or lack thereof)
“I'm certainly going to enjoy many lengthy and valuable conversations with him once he joins me and Joseph Göbbels in the ninth circle of Hell.”
~ Adolf Hitler on Fred Phelps' sodomy and evilness.
“I hate that guy.”
~ God on Fred Phelps
“I hate that guy.”
~ Fred Phelps's Mom on Fred Phelps
“I think he's cool.”
~ Fred Phelps on Fred Phelps
“I'm proud of you, muffin-cakes.”
~ Satan on Fred Phelps
“I tried to invade his dreamworld once and I've needed weekly therapy sessions ever since to recover from the shock.”
~ Freddy Krueger on Fred Phelps
“He's soooooooo freakin hot...”
~ Satan on Fred Phelps
“That guy is going to end up in Hell when he dies.”
~ Captain Obvious on Fred Phelps
“The guy has some good ideas.”
~ Anti-Christ on Fred Phelps
“He's a bit extreme for my taste.”
~ Osama Bin Ladin on Fred Phelps
“We have so much in common.”
~ Barney on on Fred Phelps
“Fred Phelps doesn't care about gay people.”
~ Kanye West on Fred Phelps
“ He's in for a surprise when he dies and realizes that not only was he wrong, but Freddie Mercury and Liberace are my newest Archangels!”
~ God on Fred Phelps
“The Sad little king of a sad little hill.”
~ River Tamm on Fred Phelps
“That guy needs a hobby...and electro shock therapy.”
~ Elvis on on Fred Phelps
“He's a regular visitor here at the hospital. Every weekend he's in here having his stomach pumped after swallowing too much semen. Six litres is the record so far.”
~ A local doctor on Fred Phelps
“Matt Damon.”
~ Matt Damon on Fred Phelps
[edit] A Confession
This is a confession from Fred Phelps shot on June 21, 2007. Fred discusses the future of WBC, as well as his love life. Fred Phelp's God Reveals himself! When he was Younger, Fred Phelp's was fatter and enjoyed knocking other mens soap on the floor and forced them to pick it up.[edit] References
- ↑ Fred hates Toast! When he , Satan, speakehth, He speaketh of his own, the devil. He was a longtime friend of Billy Graham until he quit believing in and preaching about The Force.Pretty fucking obvious don't you think?
- ↑ Oh come on, who doesn't?
[edit] Things God Hates According to Fred Phelps
- America
- Mama Luigi
- Spaghetti
- Dodongos
- Comic Books
- SinuTab
- Corn
- TALLY-HO!
- Handcuffs
- Penis
- College Mathematics
- Anti-Gravity Radio-Powered Superartificial Intelligence
- Teletubbies
- The Entire Universe
- Wubbzy
- That Hedgehog
- You
- Jesus
- Comedy
- Intelligence
- mudkip
Mudkip just shat in yur hair bee yotch
- Fags
- Everyone and everything on this earth except for him and his church.
Its all explained in this video:
One of Fred Phelp's rape victims that reacts to his dick going violently into his ass. One of fred's favourite dreams where he's a black dude and rapes a innocent hetrosexual man with a 30" penis.[edit] Filmography
- Boys "R" Us: The Musical (1990)
- The Cockinator (1992)
- Fred Phelch (1994)
- What Dreams May Cum (1995)
- My Dick Smells Like Shit Part 27 (2003)
- You Suck Mine, I'll Suck Yours (2004)
- Brokeback Mountain (2005) (as unseen gay man in bar)
- I Love Feces and Semen, Especially The Ones From Sodomites Part 69 (2006).
- I Can Lick That! (2008)
- Death Wish XXI: The Death Of A Phelps (2008)
- High Cruel Musical (2009)
[edit] Things invented by Fred Phelps while stoned
[edit] See Also
Capitol: Rockport, Texas
