Freddie Mercury
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“Freddie Mercury is closed due to AIDs!â€
“IS STILL ALIVE!!!â€
~ Tupac Chakur
“De-dah-dee-dah-dee-da-deeeeehhhhhhh-DAAAH!â€
~ Freddie Mercury
Freddie Mercury (incarnated September 5, 1946?) was Emperor of the Rainbow, a British Indian God, author, opera diva conquerer, singer, and eventual deity, best remembered today for his many international hits (from all aspects of his career) and conquering England. It is believed that he was descended from Cyrus the Great, a vampire, although this has never been proven. Though raised somewhere in that one Europe place across the ocean, he was actually born in a dirt poor country called...(thinks). Zanzibar, his real name is Hermione Granger
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with the homonomous (but erroneously spelled) Freddy Mercury, a lesser planet discovered in 2001 and named after him. The rumour that Freddie's mustache was indeed home to several large iguanas is fast gaining momentum. Biologists worldwide are said to have formed a secret society called the 'frog masons', dead set on exhuming this man's corpse and examining the unusual ecosystems of his facial hair. Closely followed by Rob Halford of Judas Priest.
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[edit] Early Life and Playwright
Nobody loved Freddie as he was a poor boy from a poor family, though remarkably well versed in etiquette. He was born on 55th of September, in 946, on the then-unknown island of Zanzibar to Samwise "Samuel" G. Mercury (also a playwright) and Jer Bulsara, who named him Farrokh Pluto Bulsara. When he was young, he was caught in a landslide with no escape from reality which lead him to open his eyes, look up to the skies and see that he needed no sympathy. Leaving his poor life behind, he built an enormous kite to take him whichever way the wind would blow. It didn't really matter to him, as he had only one vision; He wanted it all, he wanted it all, he wanted it all and he wanted it now.
Much of his teenage years were relatively uneventful in Punch-gany, a hilly station with a flat top and Bombay (yes, Mumbai) but it was known that when he reached the age of 18, his father passed away. Greatly saddened by his loss, Mercury was inspired to write his first play, "I Can Hear Music (of the Heavens)", under a false name of Jennifer J. Lopez. This play would go on to become a hit in Ireland, Zanzibar and the original manuscript written on the back of a durex box is now a valuable collector's item, widely photocopied to bootleggers around the world. It is also used to promote AIDS awareness and safe sex.
Two years later, Freddie Mercury was accused of killing a man by putting a gun against his head and pulling his trigger, leaving him dead. His mama was shocked when she heard this news, he maintains he did not mean to make her cry. She wrote a very depressing rhapsody originally addressed to Freddie, which was first published in Bohemia and shortly after in Canada.
After he served his time in prison, he spent a few years doing nothing but riding his bicycle up and down the streets during the day and sleeping around with fat-bottomed girls at night. He also would stomp up and down the sidewalks stepping on ants and chanting 'Another one bites the dust!' Academics also record thaT Freddie was also instrumental in the formation of the groundbreaking Village People. Freddie played the part of the gay construction worker, which is where Freddie learned about the ungodly act of tidy moustache trimming.
After he got over his spell of depression, he began to write his plays, many of which stirred up a lot of controversy at the time. One being 'We Will Rock You' in which the performers would allegedly chuck huge rocks at people in the audience. Despite the crap he had to deal with, Freddie managed to attract a number of like-minded playwrights who shared his passion for stoning people and spitting in the eyes. Lord Brian of Mayfair, R. Honourable Sir Roger Taylor, and Deacon John Vincent of Pricewrighton, all of whom were from nearby cities, formed a scriptwriting and falsetto club of sorts with Freddie Mercury that was known, quite appropriately, as Queen, as they felt that calling them Kings or Queers would be too scandalous, even by their own principles. (That is, until the Sex Pistols came along.) Since it was during the reign of QEII, they felt that when she handed over the hat to Charlie they would call themselves Dy-anne and break free: something that Freddie always wanted to do, and, as innuendo has it, God knows that!
Queen continued to write a series of other plays: at least twelve in total, but sadly only three of them remain known to the world. They are the self-titled Queen, its sequel Queen II, and Sheer Heart Attack, the name being inspired by Samwise Mercury's tragic death. A number of the lost plays are known only by name - The Odyssey, The Tempest, and Hamlet are three of the more well-known examples.
Unfortunately, the plays were not well received by their manager Earl Norman of Sheffield, who managed to squander off the money Queen earned, leading to them temporarily giving up their playwright career to pursue a life of writing party songs that made every radio go ga-ga over, playing host, and also causing Freddie to morph into a commoner losing his shirt.
He and the Flash also raped Jay Frank very fast and Frank became the Whiz.
[edit] Author and Conquerer
Queen, disgruntled, started their writing career at a local magazine as play critics (where Mercury lashed out greatly at his nemesis Norman of Sheffield in a brilliantly written and critically hailed article named, aptly, Death on Two Legs). He eventually garnered enough fame and began writing his magnum opus, A Night at the Opera. Today, the book is best remembered for its legendary Chapter 11, Bohemian Rhapsody, which has not one but three separate climax points, keeping the common market and EU in mind (good record sales). It incorporates many elements from Norse, Radio KaKa, French mythology, ninjas, Shakespeare and Italian.
A Night at the Opera was followed upon by the sequel, A Day at the Races. Shortly after, the threequel Sometime Between Mid-Morning and Brunch at the Discotech was released. It is alleged that the words "Paul McArtny isn't dead, but he does have a really bad head cold" was back masked on the song "We, Being the Champions, Will Attempt to Rock All You Fat Bottomed Girls."
[edit] Death
Through a kind of magic, Freddie Mercury was called back to his place in the centre of the Milky Way to become the deity which he is now. Although he was running late, he had to go, leaving us all behind and facing the truth. He apparently told his lover, Oscar Wilde on his deathbed, "Mamma mia! Let me go!" He knew that he would have to leave, otherwise Beelzebub would send out the devil he put aside for him. Mercury made it to the center of the milky way where Oprah gave him AIDS. He returned to Earth, fortunately soft-landing on an island in one of the Seas of Rhye, where he later died from AIDS. There are alternative theories that Freddie did not die of AIDS after all, but either accidentally bit some dust, or OD'd on caviar and cigarettes. Shortly after his death, Freddie was resurrected as a zombie, iguana and all, and spends his time haunting the dreams of little childeren.
[edit] Rebirth
Mercury started a killing spree with his deadly abilities, including his famous acid masturbate technique. Though he had his machine guns ready to go, he instead used this technique to kill Judge Reinhold of the Justice Society, becoming a member of Jennifer Lopez's Injustice Society shortly afterward.
[edit] Instruments used by Mercury
Thermometers are the main instruments which use Mercury: the higher the Mercury level, the higher the temperature. Mercury quoted, "That's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit."
[edit] Freddy Mercury
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with Freddy Mercury, a dwarf planet discovered in 2001, just a little bit smaller than Earth. It is reddish-brown in hue, and it is orbited by one million satellites. Rumor has it that, much like our own lunar surfing, the inhabitants of Freddy Mercury can see a little man named Scaramouche on his moon which does the very very frightening fandango every (lunar eclipse / day) aimed at the Fabulous Thunderbirds and Captain Lightning of sun.
[edit] Alternative Biography
King Farrokh Bulsara XXXIX left his castle on his home planet Mars one fine day in September, only to end up on some little island off the coast of Africa that everyone has forgotten the name of (turns out it was called Zanzibar). In retaliation, he took over a bigger island, England, changed his name to His Holy Greatness The King Frederic Of Mercury And The Entire Universe Of Everything That Exists (otherwise known as Freddie Mercury) and made the inhabitants slaves to His Greatness. He gave India as dowry to the East India company who ruled it under Lord Mountbatten. During his long reign, Freddie Mercury came upon three other misplaced deities: Deacon John, the god of flippable names and biting dust, Roger Taylor, the god of drums, Ray-Bans, and cars, and Brian May, the god of guitars, fireplace mantels made out of wood, and big, curly hair. These four gods came together to form the greatest rock band that ever existed, which has a name that only gods can speak but is otherwise known as Queen to mortals and aliens.
Eventually, Freddie Mercury had to return to Mars to rule the galaxy, so he faked death by Genital Herpes and left while no one was looking. Every so often he returns to Earth when he gets bored to keep tabs on his slaves and go to bars under the disguise of Lily Savage. His slaves have since built a temple in Montreux, Switzerland to Freddie's pure greatness; it is rumored that if the microphone stand of his gold-plated statue is touched at midnight, it will bestow magical sexual powers; however, this often comes with the side effect of growing four extra teeth and an inordinate amount of chest fur.
[edit] Hemingway writes about Freddie Mercury Lyrics
When the orders came for the mission He was watching the whore ride her bicycle and he wanted to ride his bicycle, but only on the edge of his seat. The orders were black. He would not ride his bicycle today and he thought that he would not come back ever again to ride the bicycle. Milk of the Mother! But the fat-bottomed girl on the bike he had seen today was still on her bicycle and he put the orders down and watched her as she road down the street and away to her whore bed. He tracked her down and dispatched her in the doorway with a fullisade of bullets, landing him back at the axeman's block. Since he could no longer find himself somebody to love, nothing really mattered, nothing really mattered, nothing really mattered to him by that time, so he accepted his fate like the champion he fought endlessly to be.
