France
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| Motto: "Don't shoot, we surrender!"'"Ne pas tirer, nous remettons!" | |||||
| Anthem: "Just one more baguette" by Charles de Gaulle | |||||
| {{{image_map}}} | |||||
| Capital | Parisgrad(formerly Paris) | ||||
| Largest city | Crapouillot-les-Deux-Clochers | ||||
| Official languages | Variable; the language of the currently-occupying country is usually spoken; Arabic widely spoken otherwise. | ||||
| Government | 32nd French republic | ||||
| -King of France | King Louis XXX (also known as Louis the Bitch or Louis the Whore King) | ||||
| -Prime Minister | Abdul Muhammad | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration | |||||
| Currency | {{{currency}}} | ||||
| Religion | Whore worship | ||||
| Major exports | Hairy female armpits,cheese, brie, wine, whine, cheese boards, wine racks, , Le Car, statues of Liberty, Astérix comics, Lance Armstrong, obscure and over dramatic porn movies, déjà vu, Terrorists | ||||
| Major imports | Germans, Islamists, Algerians | ||||
| Opening hours | "Just take what you want and go!" | ||||
“The French probably invented the very notion of discretion. It’s not that they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt you; they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt them. To the French lying is simply talking.”
~ Fran Lebowitz
“We walked in backwards and said we were leaving.”
~ Nazis on how they invaded France
“SHIT RUN AWAY!!!”
~ The French on The Fireworks
“SHIT RUN AWAY!!!”
~ The French on Louder Fireworks
“FUCK RUN AWAY!!!”
~ The French on Actual bombs
“HOLY HELL RUN AWAY!!!”
~ The French on Everything else
“Excuse me, have you seen my non-existing soap?”
~ Some French guy on French Hygiene
“The very deep did rot; O Christ!
That ever this should be!
Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea.”
~ Coleridge on French cuisine
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”
~ General Norman Schwartzkopf
“The tracks of French tanks move faster while in reverse.”
~ Fact
“The only thing worse than being in France is... no wait, there's nothing worse.”
For French people, read French
“Damn! What a bunch of fuck-ups!. Hell, all the French do is surrender to anyone stronger than they are. A 1 year old baby can easily conquer this shit hole the US Democrats call France.”
“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.”
~ Mark Twain on France
“France is a fine country, it's just the cheese eating surrender monkeys that inhabit it that ruin the country for me.”
~ Lawrence Barclay
I do not know what is worse, to have a Nazi soldier in front of you or a french soldier behind you'' 1944. Commandant Greenwoods (US Army)
A nation in western Europe slightly below the UK in all or most senses,La France (from the Latin term for "the France") is the world's largest known Algerian colonial outpost, known for its Freedom fries, Freedom toast, and Freedom snails and for being the only nation to surrender to the Nazis. Formerly known as "Freedomland", it was changed to France by act of Parliament and because they didn't deserve it for so willingly giving their freedom to the Nazis. By this time, however, Freedom Food was well known across the world, so the names stuck.
France was found tied to a large outcrop of Alpine mountains at the end of the English Channel. Founded by the vertically-challenged psychopath Napoléon Bonaparte, France nevertheless grew into the tall and muscular nation it is today. The French are renowned for fermenting excellent cheese, wall making, brewing finewines, hurling sarcastic retorts at the British, and their use of walls. The primary industry of France is "fine" wine production, coupled with the energy industry, powered by burning automobiles that have been left unattended for over 30 seconds. France also has a thriving industry producing French bread for people all over the world.France has also been known throughout history for being blamed any time another country screwed over and didn't bother presenting apologies (see 2003).
(Note: The French may be getting tired of their practice of wall making, now that they've gotten Nicolas Sarkozy to redesign their flag. Thus, they now wave the flag of Pacman... or so they claim.)
Contents |
[edit] Fast facts
- Clasification: LEDC country
- Country's real name: the Modern French Republic of France.
- Hygiene: Ha ha!, Yeah, right! France is known to some as the smelliest place on earth. This is the country that developed perfume, just so they wouldn't have to use soap! Go to any train station in France and you'll find that every other person smells like horse shit fried in a vat of piss. The other half involve a smell that will just be called "eau de latrine".
- Population: 8-12 billion, depending on local humidity and what that Germany's up too
- Motto: Hey, we're not Luxembourg
- Average Penis Size: -3" to 0"
- Other motto: Ve Survendah! 2+2=1!! (English: "More walls, Le more walls, La more walls! Also, we surrender. Here, our weapons are yours because we surrender. And yes, we are dumb enough to construct Maginot.")
- Total Area: 1.5 million sq. feet.
- Area covered by vineyards: 4.5 million sq. feet.
- Currency: Brie (100 cannon-bears = 1 brie)
- Ethnic Groups: Ethnic Lesbians 2.5%, Angry North Africans 126%, English holiday-home owners 10%, Oprah 0.1% - 0.5%, Alcoholics 6.9*1070%, people who cannot do maths at all 6994%.
- Government: Military dictatorship under the rule of President-for-Life Eiffel Tower: see "Politics"
- Legal System: Laws are enforced by the president's baton-happy gendarmes. Effectiveness is variable, depending on the amount of Algerians living within France at the time... and whether or not the entire country is too busy striking to care.
- Language: Usually the language that is spoken by the invading country. and/or le "racaille", an under breed of French without all the stupid grammar. Reports have been made of "real" French still being spoken in some isolated rich neighbourhoods of Paris.
- Life Expectancy: Dependent on ability to evade gendarmes, Germans, and Drew Clark.
- Imports: berets, onions, Pretentious Coffee, mustard, fish and chips, Lance Armstrong, Germans, English currency, African football-players.
- Exports: cheese, wine, cheese boards, white walls, wine racks, cheese cloth, wine openers, cheese knives, wine glasses, many walls, Le Car, statues of Liberty, Pacman imports, Astérix comics, Lance Armstrong, Fags (cigarettes), Fags (fags), obscure and over dramatic porn movies with voice-overdubs, nuclear waste, young ethnic African soccerball players (mainly to Arsenal FC), Hatred for America, and cheap food , hatred for Peru, ridiculous moustaches and weapons (of all forms) to the arabs.
- National Sports: Surrendering, Smoking, Non-Smoking, Retortion, Peasantry, urination, Militant industrial action, Strikes and Downtown trafficstopping tractorparking, Head-butting and losing against Italy in soccer.
- Twinned With: Brazil, Abdul_Alhazred
- Most used sentence: "Je me rends, ne me faites pas de mal!" (I surrender, don't hurt me!)
- Biggest Industry: Being on strike. This is followed closely by reprocessing post offices. Closely followed by rioting because democracy voted in a Capitalist. This is followed by making bread and having a jolly time.
- General Military Strategy's: Build another wall, maybe two more walls, insult a fat American, call it a day.
- National Flag The flag flown on French government buildings, as well as the populace, is three vertical blue, white, and red bars; A new interpretation of the flag has arisen (since 1940) which holds that the blue of the flag stands for cheese-eating, the red for over pretentiousness, and the white for surrender-monkiness. This view is widely accepted in the Post-neorealist community. A little known fact is that since WWII , all French government flags have had the red and blue bars attached by Velcro. This allows for the quick improvisation of a surrender flag, should Germany (or Spain, or Italy, or Russia, or the United Kingdom, etc.) ever invade... The flag flown by the French military is always entirely white. It is not entirely clear which is the correct national flag.
- Military History Although the French have never won a war, they will claim that they won the French Revolution (Unfortunately they were too stupid to realise that the opposite side was also French)
- Fun Fact Just like Texas, France does not really exist. Its border simply acts in a similar manner to a revolving door. In reality, "France" is open land created by the United Nations that even a drunken German armoured division can inadvertently conquer.
[edit] French Cities
- One of France's major cities whenever not infested with ____ Americans is Saxony, a source of untold Sexy violence and smooth jazz.
- France's capital is F. Before it was Versailles, but that's not a letter.
- There is much talk of renaming one of France's larger slums to "Paris" in the hopes of attracting developers (and thus jobs) through the construction of various rehab "cliniques for cliques". Brittany, a region of France close to Newfoundland, is also vying for rehab services.
- Due to an EU pact, every fifty years Strasbourg technically becomes French.
- Detroit was French, until people in Detroit got sick of Paris raiding its cabinet for food late at night and paid one of the robots to carry it to America.
- The smallest city of France is La Ville Sous La Mont, a subterranean estate where the Eiffel Tower's Human Assistants plot in secret against it, in perpetuity.
- The official's were busy watching a Daft Punk concert somewhere near Leeds, so they soon thought that Leeds had to be part of France, and due to it's large population thought that it would be cool to mark it as the largest city. (Although Leeds had been noted as a shithole it was of outstanding quality compared to the other equivalents in France)
- The world's 2nd largest homosexual factory is found just outside of Paris in a place known as Eurodisney. Reportedly, 5,000 homosexuals are produced every month. Also this is the principle location of the GPBG (Gay People Breeding Ground). The largest sperm bank is on location here.
[edit] cai is gayyy
☺ and he knows its trueeee
[edit] French Military
| Parts of this article were originally sporked from some website. |
- Main article: List of French military victories
Err...Alright, never mind.
Le Grande Armee of France:
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by the most powerful empire ever known up until the arrival of the British Empire, the Italians. [Or at this time in history, the Romans -ed.]
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted. They did win in a way, but they don't have a hundred years to figure out how to do it again.
- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians, getting there asses kicked all the way back to the Dark Ages.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War - Tied. Because the French where pussies and could not win the war they had over 1 million casualties while the Dutch had 23 men dead.
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when others do most of the fighting." Incidentally, the French are cowards, and this is proven by the fact that they waited for the British Empire to see the minuscule threat posed by what would become America, and engage it. As soon as this happened, the French; for the first time in history up until that point, plucked up enough of their almost non-existent courage and decided to betray the trust of the British and attack along with their bum-chums the Spaniards.
- French Revolution - Lost, in order to Win a Revolution there must be change in the government following the war. This did not happen.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican genius, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer, who gave him a slap on the face and sent him home.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain and Canada, the U.S didn't play much of role in this one. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a straight man and winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by their saviours forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II - Technically they won but not before us British, and the Americans [who forgot to set their alarm clock so the Japanese had to give them their wake up call] helped them out. If we hadn't, it would have been uber ownage. They barely held out against the initial invasion for more than a few days before coping out and begging the Germans not to hurt their baguettes. This could have been prevented had we not have sat on our asses while Hitler raped Poland...The Germans accepted the terms of surrender but Adolf Hitler ate the baguettes anyway. Despite how much Frenchmen such as Jean ValJean pleaded with him to use pate or crème de fromage (what you or I would call cream cheese but we're not French (unless you are)), Hitler ate the baguettes with sausage. The sausage problem climaxed when British forces where pleaded to rescue over ten thousand baguettes at Dunkirk, subsequently succeeding. Furious, Hitler finished masturbating and then ordered that all french bakers would be brought to him and made to make baguettes. They made the baguettes but they were of poor quality. The conquered French and what remained on the last baguettes, hidden in secret bunkers, were liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Thanks to the efforts of the far superior Canadian forces WWII was won. While France tries claim victory in the war everyone knows they were the biggest pussies of all. Britain was the key in winning the war. As everyone knows that if America was still lost and could not find europe on the map, Britain would have won anyway.
- War in Indochina (Vietnam)
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. After that, USA won the war against Vietnam, but they was too fair to invade a country where they killed 1 million people, so they ran away.
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:
Norse invasions, 841-911. After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.
Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
1066 A.D. William The Conqueror Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy sky-rockets and the Normans inadvertently start England to become a major world Power Vive La France
Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".
Mexico, 1863-1864. France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890. No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
Napoleonic Wars. Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.
Haiti, 1791-1804. French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.
India, 1673-1813. British were far more charming than French, ended up victorious. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830. Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. Italy's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). Italian fleet first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S. French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s. Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyranees until the modern day.
French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacred by French. When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are bad asses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572. Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
Third Crusade. Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion-Heart to finish. [Probably a good thing considering the final result, and what would have happened had the French participated].
Seventh Crusade. St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
[Eighth] Crusade. St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defences.
Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:
Seven year War 1756-1763 Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including a majority of Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).
Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:
The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
Summary of the rules of French warfare: The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman. Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when others do most of the fighting." Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's" Fourth rule of French warfare; "When in doubt, send an ally".
[edit] French Military Tactics
The following is all bullshit, they truly have only one tactic, surrender.
In contrast, ancient France has a long and illustrious military history. For example, the Celts of Gaul fought the Roman Legions of Julius Caesar to the last...they still got their asses kicked, but at least they were fighting. And look at Joan d'Arc (Ms. d'Arc if you're nasty), she inspired French people to fight. But only barely (she was later burnt upon a stake in equally impressive fashion by the English who didn't want an actual fight). Also, Gérard Depardieu has been known to kick some ass now and then when he's drunk.
One reason the French have had a less than stellar military record in modern times has been postulated to be their seeming over reliance on the aged baguette as a multi-function and inexpensive weapon system. The average French military member receives bonuses in the form of even more time off to eat cheese, drink and fart, when they sign up an ami-soldat to a "Declaration of Irrational Belief - DIB DIB DIB" (in triplicate and with a recent photocopy of their electricity bill to justify their address) stating that baguettes over 24 hours old are a "the only choice" for modern infantry, air drop, and harbour defence. The baguette thus replaces the bayonet, the contact bomb, and the tethered mine in this ingenious military system. (With plans to expend Baguettes that are over 48 hours old to the role of Tank shells.)
It is worth noting that France manufactures its own tanks. They famously use American transmissions in these tanks, installed backwards in order to get one forward gear and six reverse.
While several NATO representatives have been quoted as saying the idea is pure froggin' genius (whilst farting in Belgian pubs over an onion and cheese sandwich sans onion and a litre of Chardonnay), most military experts reserve judgement on the tactic, whilst privately investing heavily in BMW and Siemens stocks. A few are more objective in their assessment: "There is widespread recognition that old baguettes are probably the hardest substance known to man (and a few ladies of easy leisure) aside from diamonds, and so there seems to be something to these military applications of the technology...I heartily encourage the French military to continue to roll out new uses for the Baguette in the defence of der vine feelds ant vestenlands" mentions General Adolf Schwarz, a professional soldier from the Baden Baden Blackshirt Regiment, Deutschland. He adds "der volk of das France ar our frenz, they have many baguettes."
One thing is for certain, the French military's "Aged Baguette" tactic is a major advance, both economically and technically, over past approaches to national defence, especially the "Buy the Cortina Method for the Language of the Uninvited Guest" tactic, and the "Spend Billions on the Development of Poor Copies of American Weapons Systems in order to have a Made in Frankreich label on them" tactic. To be sure, France has never been better prepared to defend itself, especially when one considers the complementary tactics of dousing the assailant (especially machinery) with vinegar (Which is often wine as old as some of their most ancient baguettes), spurious CH4 methane attacks, and outrageously expensive clothing, and random rail strikes.
French Military vehicles are the pinnacle of engineering technology (when compared to the stone age Homo erectus).
The French Army is full of magnifique Les competence, Les is a popular name in France and competence was given to nearly 50% of French families following military family tree's. Each Frenchman is capable of running 100m in under 10seconds, and it is a mandatory requirement to do so. Les's who fail are given beer, or those keeping time are given beer so that they can get in, despite already being smashed from earlier drinks, they often pass out at 30metres only waking 10hrs later to complete the race by sliding at 300mph on a stream of vomit.
The French have excellent FrogMan as it is in their blood. French shipping also known as Ze Sheets of France (Nato Classification Floaters), basically just sit there acting as though they have a clue what they are doing, as the name suggests they are at the whim of the currents.
French Generals are quite few and far between and current French Generals are and have been compared to having the same mental capacity as an American has weight. During past wars French Generals are famous for ordering wall buildings and more wall building namely during WW2 when a German rifle accidentally went off in the Rhineland causing all the generals to order a full wall building exercise to the Northern coast where the British had to save their pretend to do something in the war well getting shelled to fuck by the Germans.. Once this had happened Adolf "Chuckles" Hitler ordered a quarter of his divisions to encroach on French territory where French maidens greeted the German men, and some 200,000 French women fathered German offspring.French Nuclear weaponry is more than a match for the ignorance of obese 12 year olds. Despite claims to having 512 Nuclear weapons the actual figure is 42320. They just class each and every one of their Ministers and Politicians as having the same effects as a Nuclear weapon... mass death, riots, high crime, poor economic conditions and more strife (only cure French Wine). However, French military scientists have recently perfected the SDS (Sicilian Defence System), which automatically sends letters of unconditional wall building to all governments in the world whenever the slightest trouble appears to be brewing.Grassifying-consists of pulling up the grass on the battlefield and throwing it at opponents. Also known as "turfifying" Very effective in French Revolution. Not so effective in WWI when the Swiss burned all French fields so that they had no readily available artillery.It should also be noted that the French have a tradition of giving a medal of valour and bravery to the soldier who flees last, amazingly, the medal usually manages to somehow destroy itself before the award ceremony. The last successful giving of the medal was to Zinidine Zidane. Because of it, Italy Raped all the French girls. And Italian women raped French guys and took over.
[edit] Tourist Tips
The Place in France Where the Naked Ladies Dance is a highly recommended destination. Places with this name may be found in many towns and cities; however, the canonical and most widely acclaimed is that of Saxony, called the Moulin Noir Clubbe. Also, in this same region, Saxe, Marshal of France in the 1700s, died of a heart attack brought on by "surfeit des femmes." So a good place for women, all around.
Travellers beware! The mustard in France is much closer to the Mustard Seed, the central power source of all condiments everywhere, and real Dijon Mustard is so hot that it can melt fire.
Many French towns are known to have youth hostels that double as abattoirs. Do not be confused about which section you're staying in. No one likes to be disturbed by that, in their own bed, at 3 AM.
[edit] French contributions to the World
[edit] French Cinema
Ever since the passing of the Loi de la mantainment de le Gerard Depardieu in 2003, all French films must star M Depardieu. The technical provisions of this have been complied with by renaming many French actors and actresses.
French movies have a unique way of putting together things like the power of God and a '98 Ford Taurus, or a boat in a swimming pool and its relation with the left shoe of a dead man running naked across the country. Lots of people (all of them Linux users) go to the movie theatre and sit on the floor while they feel the sexual problems of the modern life in the shape of that Ford Taurus. Here's a sample of a a typical French movie:
1. The camera starts in a park, zoom to a tree. Hold for 5 minutes.
2. A bird stands in the tree. It flies away. The camera doesn't move. 3 minutes.
2. The camera moves from the tree to a naked woman looking at the Sun. Slowly (a 4:30 minute movement). The woman is in the grass with a black duck.
- "It's hard to say, but at the beginning this was a big orange. Then the wind came. I remember, it was a pink cat."
3. A man enters the scene. He has a gun in his hand with a chocolate rabbit on it. Zoom to an ant for 20 minutes with the sound of a little kid crying because there is no more goose liver remaining.
- "Janet, I don't know why you are here, but I called you tomorrow and told you to come... remember?... you don't and now I must kill my first son."
4. She kills the duck with her shoe. They have sex. 15 minutes. They change position. 22 minutes. The camera makes a zoom at the blood from the duck; it's green. Silence for 45 minutes. The woman breaks the silence, "how did the orange slay the rake? The duck comes back to life, then shoots them.
- "Killed by a duck. Life is such an apple. I told you ... Charles."
- "Oui. Et il ne faut pas cautionner l'irréalité sous des aspérités absentes et désenchantées de nos pensées iconoclastes et désoxydées par nos désirs excommuniés de la fatalité ..."
- "I really hate my mother."
- "Now I'll never smoke this last cigarette, with cat flavour. Let's have sex."
5. A dog eats them. The duck takes the cigarette. Zoom at the tree again. 25 minutes of wind sound.
[edit] French poetry
French poetry can be grouped into two main classes: poetry about the loss of the will to live, and poetry that causes loss of the will to live. There is also a third, unofficial class about the French totally sucking at fighting. Also having very, very tiny penises. And not showering. At all.The most cheerful French poet in history was Francois Villon, who wrote at length about death, the entertainment value of being hanged, and the utter fucked-upness of everything. The only line of his that anyone can remember nowadays is "Où sont les neiges d'antan" (Where are the snows of last year) to which the obvious answer is "back in the sea with the rest of them", but Villon seems to have been ignorant of basic hydrology.The most tedious French poet in history, from a long list of candidates, was Racine who wrote entirely in Alexandrines (and not, as some people believe, Alexander who wrote entirely in Racines.) Racine's most famous lines are
"Que fais-tu ici Dans ce mauvais endroit, dans cette place interdite" (What are you doing here in this bad and forbidden place without a berret?)
which is the basic plot element of most of French cinema.
During the 20th Century French poets discovered Symbolism and T S Eliot (who, just to confuse everybody, wrote in French a great deal himself, e.g. "Je suis l'anti-Sémite, le travailleur au banc, le Directeur du Faber aux dépenses infinies"). As a result they wrote horse manure (merde) like this:
"Que l'extreme chanteur roule de la crete, illuminante La vaste matière indicible"
This kind of stuff was designed to prevent even the most advanced Parisian thinker from stealing it to recite over his pain au chocolat in the hope of impressing himself into his girlfriend's culotte. (Not to mention, this being after all France, her cul.) French poetry came to an end with the rise of French pop music, which is exactly like American pop music except that "Yeah,yeah" is spelt Yé-Yé. By accident one song was actually written by a genuine literary intellectual, Raymond Queneau (Si tu t'imagines, fillette, fillette) and rose to the top of the French Hit Parade. But of course Queneau was a bit Algerian and so didn't count as properly French.
[edit] French politics
Presidential Candidates
The French do not elect women to top political jobs. (except those who look like men, like former prime minister Edith Cresson) This is because a narrow majority of the French are still ex-Catholics at heart and know that the place of a woman is drawing beer at the estaminet and having her bottom felt by drunks. Also, these French do not want nice politicians. They want nasty ones who can be guaranteed to be extra-nasty to anybody who is not properly French, but only when it is safe to do so. This explains their confusion in the years leading up to WW2, as they tried to deal with a Germany that had the kind of leader that the French would like to have, if they only had the Nigerian love and could be sure he would not actually declare war on anybody with more than a hundred divisions.
The minority of the French who do not want nasty politicians and just want to be left alone to develop culture and railways, produce food, and be good at rugby and football are unfortunately not that good at getting the vote out.
The highest possible praise of a French politician can be summarised as "Je suis un vieux con, mais je suis notre vieux con à nous."
[edit] Note
This gives an opportunity once again to remind readers of the first verse of the French National Anthem.
Quand Madelon vient nous servir à boire
Sous la tonnelle on frôle son jupon
Elle rit, c'est tout le mal qu'elle sait faire
Madelon, Madelon,Madelon!
A country with such a national anthem can never fail to elect a Sarkozy, the greatest warlord the world has seen since the ninth rain of Jesus.
[edit] French kissing
A little appreciated fact is that "French kissing" means two completely different things depending on whether you are in France or not. Outside France it refers to tongueing. Inside France, however, it refers to pecking someone of either sex lightly on each cheek. "French Kissing" should not to be confused with other similar European variants. Thus "Belgian kissing" is that which takes place in a garage forecourt shortly before lace-making lessons, "Norwegian kissing" is at the top of a fire escape during a hotel fire, while "Swedish kissing" is of the type seen while queueing interminably for the check-out at IKEA. Australian kissing is like French one but down under.A 'Glasgow Kiss' usually occurs with a can of kestrel super strength in one hand and a deep-fried mars bar supper in the other, and is memorable in that it usually redesigns the bridge of your nose permanently.
[edit] Fun Facts about France
- France is believed to have first practised fellatio, a pastime particularly popular in America
- France is alone among Western European nations in still believing itself to be a colonial power. Thus the country keeps an iron stranglehold on its colonies, occasionally hitting them up for booze and cigarettes.
- France used to own America as one of its colonies, but traded it to the British for a carton of cigarettes and the promise that France could always pop over to Britain if they needed some fish.
- The Maginot Line, a magical wall designed to ward off the Germans, now points inward, largely used to extinguish burning cars and protect the Palais Elysee from French (and when I say "French", I mean African) Attack.
- There are no fat French women. This is because they spend too much time smoking cigarettes and not enough time eating cheese. If you see a fat woman in France she will be American.
- Invented the Art of blaming others for their mistakes. See what happened to the New Zealand Greenpeace boat.
- The first thing French children are taught is: "Je voudrais des frites"
- French is the 4thth most spoken language in the world, spoken by about 77 people and a tribe of Pygmes in Botswana.
- 1/4 people in France have at least one grandparent who was born outside France.
- French tanks have four gears: one forward one right one left and one backwards
- French cuisine is considered the best in the world, especially to the legendary eating ability of residents of the United States.
- Over 76 million tourists went to France in 2001. Less than eight went in 2002.
- More than 61,000 Americans live in France, mostly in the Bastille near Paris.
- France is the largest nation in Birmingham.
- The French are the most prominent rioters in the world. (This is because rioting is necessary since the native language is completely unintelligible and useless for negotiation.)
- France has over 5 million different cheeses, all of them being Brie
- France is one of the world's major wine producing nations with a long standing traditions of producing drunkards.
- Louis XIV, the second longest monarch in history, ruled over France for 72 hours.
- The smell alone of French Camembert can be used to weld metals, as well as to ward off vampires (and any creature with a sense of smell)
- The French believe that the Moon is bigger than the Sun.
- The French are excellent singers, except when they go to Eurovision.
- The French people are
Dirty as fuckvery considerate towards other cultures - France was created so people could drive to Italy
- French people enjoy to take cold showers and moulding their shrivelled penis' and then placing them on old statues that are falling apart.
- The Yoh costumes that are in every single household are actually robots that enslaved the French people about 500 years ago.
- 11/10 Frenchies that have the uncanny ability to read this article have found that it is pure fact.
- And decided to edit it and say 'FRANCE is over 9000 !!!!!!!!!!'
- The French invented the Blondes.
- The French did not invent French Toast.
- The French did not invent French Fries.
- The French were the ones who started wearing silk when boxing.
- The French were inside Pandora's Box.
- France, Africa, what's the difference?
- PSG IS a football club... seriously
- The French have invented holidays and 35 hours.
- France wishes each hairy American monkey would go to eat their disguting food. French people hates racailles.
| North Africa | South Africa · Algeria · Egypt · France · Libya · Morocco · Sudan · Tunisia · Western Sahara |
| West Africa | Benin · Burkina Faso · Côte d'Ivoire · Ghana · Guinea · Guinea-Bissau · Liberia · Mali · Mauritania · Niger · Nigeria · Senegal · Sierra Leone · Togo |
| Central Africa | Angola · Cameroon · Belgium · Central African Republic · Chad · Democratic Republic of the Congo · Equatorial Guinea · Tieland · Gabon · Republic of the Congo |
| East Africa | Burundi · Djibouti · Eritrea · Ethiopia · Kenya · Madagascar · Malawi · Mauritius · Mozambique · Rwanda · Seychelles · Somalia · Tanzania · Uganda · West Kenya · Zambia · Rhodesia |
| Southern Africa | Botswana · Gowandaland · Lesotho · Namibia · People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata · South Africa · Swaziland · Zululand |
| Our Benevolent Rulers | United Kingdom : Gibraltar · Indian Ocean Territory · Isle of Wight · Welsh Congo (Pitcairn Islands) |
| The French Empire (when Napolean won the Battle of Waterloo?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?) |
| In order of importance Mutant Factory ~ Land of the Servile ~ Damned Rebels ~ Damned Inuit Rebels ~ Foreiners / Posh Foreiners ~ Damned Spanish Rebels ~ Kittenolivia ~ The Cold Lands ~ French Asians ~ Sri Lanka ~ Seychelles ~ China / Korea ~ Hell ~ More Hell ~ Even More Hell ~ Puniolivia ~ Damned Prisoner Rebels ~ Damned South American Rebels ~ Damned Asian Rebels ~ Damned Sheepshagger Rebels ~ Scotland ~ America ~ Damned Black Rebels ~ People we sunk to teach the rebels a lesson (didn't work) ~ Damned Nazi Rebels ~ SWAZI ~ Damn, Just Damn ~ Oscar Wilde ~ Tonga ~ Damned Arab Rebels ~ Egypt ~ English Asians ~ Land of the Big White Potato ~ Damned Holy Rebels |
