French
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The French , according to the dictionary: Adjective, 'To be French: To cause someone an inconvenience at no personal gain.
“We'd overthrown the monarchy, we will restore the empire!, and we'll test monarchy!!! again”
~ Robespierre on Turning Around Again!
“Vive la revolution!...again! ”
~ bourgeoisie on the revolution
“A Picnic! in Paris...”
~ Adolph Hitler on His Journey to the West in 4 Days
“If we have to save you one more bloody time...”
~ Brits on the French
“If only they'd leave me alone! ”
~ France on the French
“Here's the French, turning nd turning again”
~ Shakespeare on The Wheals...
“We Surrender!”
~ France on Invasion of France by other countries(Mainly Germany)
“Pussies! At least we known how to kill.”
~ French Canadian lumberjacks on France's inability to fight
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[edit] L'Intrödùctíônné
French was discovered in Paris, a throat disease of moderate severity. Symptoms include incomprehensible spoken language with excessive softness and a total lack of pronunciation of the hard vowels. A constant gargling when pronouncing the letter 'r' is an unpleasant side effect of the disease. The pest originated nown as the English language. This has all but wiped out the disease except from the areas of extreme prevalence.
Les Français sont ceux qui habitent en France...what?
Oh, forget it. Even the French don't speak French. Haven't you seen films where the French just speak English with a dodgy accent? It's all true. All this "French" stuff is just put on to annoy the tourists. Only the Québécois speak French, and they do it just to piss you off. The true French language consists of a series of popping noises similar to morse code made with one's mouth. For the other people who normally speak English but switch to a made-up language when you walk into the pub, see Wales and Ireland.
However hard to understand it is, many unsuspecting young British and American women often fall hopelessly in love with the Wine and Musty Cheese smelling creatures who enjoy cooking for themselves or for their girl a portion of Frog Legs with Snail Slime Délire! One might ask, "Have they never heard of taking a girl to the local chippie?"
Those creatures, "Frenchmen", would do pretty much anything (including betraying their own fathers and uncles) to get a girl into bed, and often engage in merciless and bloody battles among themselves, knifing their best friend if necessary, to take advantage of British tourists. This highly complex nuptial custom is deep-rooted in French culture, going back to the Gauls (from French "avoir la Gaule": to suffer from erectile hyperactivity), who would fight for days over in the hope of appeasing their insatiable appetite. Those fights were recounted by Julius Caesar in his famous best-seller "The Gallic wars" (a corruption from Latin: "The phallic wars"), a romanced version of the autobiography of great French historian Astérix.
French, the language of prostitution, is mostly known for the famous phrase "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?". Underage and ignorant girls all over the western world have been repeating this French crackwhore solicitation like it was a cool thing to do. If they knew what it meant, they'd be rightly ashamed.
The eponymous song gained amazing success during the world-broadcasting of the crowning of De Gaulle, when he managed to place himself right in front of Margaret Thatcher during the chorus. Ever since, repeating that feat has been the first wet dream of every prepubescent geek, although some might prefer to picture themselves in front of a kitten or Oscar Wilde, depending on personal taste.
The French language is also the easiest language to "teach" to very young children (and Republicans). It is easy to pass off your infant (or big business lobbyist) for speaking the language, as the number one, "Un", is simply said by grunting. More of an "ooohn" rather than "uuuugh", but still, its not that hard. This followed by the slightly harder "Deux", which is pronounced similarly to "Un", but with a "d" sound in the beginning. So, it is possible to say infants (or conservatives) speaking French are smart.
[edit] The Uvular 'R'
The uvular 'r' is a method of pronunciation attributed primarily to the French and small animals (such as angry poodles). The method first came into practice around c17, used by the fashionable members of the salon to clear their throats in public without having to interrupt speech (also known as de-flegmation). The method spread throughout the fashionable societies of Europe and later was adopted by the bourgeoisie who, believing it to be simply sophisticated pronunciation, used it for every 'r' in everyday speech (in a way reminiscent of Monsieur Jourdain of 'Le Bourgeoise Gentillhomme' fame). The 'r' then spread from the bourgeoisie down to the plebs who used it to such an extent that the French language mutated into something that resembled a symptom of tuberculosis (see consumption) or the chesty cough. It has remained this way ever since. Pronouncing "gonorrhea" is fatal for anyone French, as it causes a massive implosion of their head because of the Uvular R pronounciation.
[edit] How To Become French
1. Surrender. Just do it. Find someone or something, even a dog - and become its bitch.
2. Be useless. If what you are doing is accomplishing absolutely nothing and/or just being a pain in the ass to anyone, keep doing it. It's your national pastime.
3. Smell bad. Whatever you can do to just reek. If you think you smell bad, go roll in you own shit. You're not worthy of the bad smell.
4. Bitch and moan about everything. You're not truly French until you can bitch and moan about your own bitching.
5. Become lesbian and a gay. You need to be both because being bisexual isn't good enough.
6. Talk through your nose. Hell, talk through any body cavity you can, just not your mouth...that's not allowed.
7. Be a pansy. You have to be such a wimp that you break down and cry when you see a kitten. This is very important.
8. Constantly support the revolution. If your revolution succeeds, it will probably just suck anyway, so support another revolution.
9. Replace trunks with speedos and bikinis with nudity.
10. Claim responsibility for things you have never done. For example, say you invented the telephone, have a cure for cancer, killed your mom or some bullshit.
11. Piss on every street corner you see and hate every other country
12. Laugh like a retard.
13. Smoke 3 packs of cigarettes daily.
14. Can the fridge. Get rid of it. Eat everything unrefrigerated, including your moldy milk. meat--RAW! Oh, and become a sauciee. Cover up your sucky cooking with sucky sauces.
(Anyone who believes this article is a retard and should be immediately shot)
[edit] The Uvular 'R'
The uvular 'r' is a method of pronunciation attributed primarily to French and in smaller parts, German speakers. The method first came into practice around c17, used by the fashionable members of the salon to clear their throats in public without having to interrupt speech (also known as de-flegmation). The method spread throughout the fashionable societies of Europe and later was adopted by the bourgeoisie who, believing it to be simply sophisticated pronunciation, used it for every 'r' in everyday speech (in a way reminiscent of Monsieur Jourdain of 'Le Bourgeoise Gentillhomme' fame). The 'r' then spread from the bourgeoisie down to the plebs who used it to such an extent that the French language mutated into something that resembled a symptom of tuberculosis (see consumption) or the chesty cough. It has remained this way ever since. Pronouncing "gonorrhea" is fatal for anyone French, as it causes a massive implosion in the cheese industry because of the Uvular R pronounciation.
[edit] Common Knowledge of the French
- Can eat ten times their own weight in a day without putting on a pound
- End all their questions with "no?" as a way of tricking you into a debate, in which they will then surrender.
- Were twice a part of Germany and once invaded by Disneyland when Kermit the Frog challenged Walt Disney to a duel.
- Can live off of cigarettes, coffee, and spite alone.
- Hate the Cirque du Soleil because they feel it's too soft, too approachable and not elitist enough.
- Invented these crazy accented letters and can pronounce them: âàçéèêîôùûëïü and sometimes ÿ.
- Commonly carry, wield, and occasionally eat the Baguette.
- Consume half the world's cigarette production
- Drink five-thirds of the worlds wine.
- Contrary to common belief French was made up by Miss Hurd.
- Their national anthem is 'Je suis la baguette'
- They often say "Hein?" which is the French equivalent of Canada's "Eh?" Of course, "Hein"
- They would never eat cake, even if there is no bread or other kind of food!
- Take pride in the consumption of our lesser amphibious creatures.
- The French have invented many things that prove useful in everyday life. Such inventions include: balloons, Machine gun, The Black Death, cannons, kissing, the internet and the vagina
- They speak French
- They eat French
- They drive French
- They hear French
- They build French
- They think French
- They eat Honey-nut French for breakfast and shit Français.
- They live French
- They masturbate French
- They Wii French
- They eat mouldy milk
- They simply French into mordor!
- They are not just lighter skinned Jews.
[edit] French Domestic Life
What is less known about the French is their domestic life. Long ignored by National Geographic and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, Uncyclopedia has uncovered several French traditions that we will now share.
Strike! Typical summer activity for French citizens is going on strike. While peoples of most English-speaking nations believe this to be due to French wall building, research shows that this activity is a complex learned biophysiologic activity. Laboratory studies performed on Donald Trump's interns have proven that activities closely associated with striking (e.g., marching (sans guns), hand waving, sign making, croissant hitting, nude figure-skating, etc.) release endorphins in the brain that are very similar to those noted by scientists training Belgian soldiers to surrender.
Snail Poaching: This activity has only been observed twice in its natural habitat, but has been successfully recreated by TV's CSI: Miami. In the recreation, a bit-part actor looking somewhat but not too much like a younger Teddy Kennedy glances clandestinely about for lifeguards before crossing the yellow caution tape separating the Martha's Vineyard swimming area from a commercial snail farm. Meanwhile, the audio clearly identifies that the scene is a flashback and not taking place in real time. It is reported that the bit part actor was only paid $250 for the scene, even though he is actually one of Teddy Kennedy's 6,528 illegitimate children.
Winter is cold in France, and due to recent shortages of gasoline many French people have been unable to receive their government-mandated ration of two Molotov Cocktails per week. As a result, citizens have taken to burning cars to keep warm.
Christmas: One of the favorite times for most French patriots is Christmas, when French boys and girls wake up early to find baskets of freshly severed heads under their Christmas trees. The heads are severed during the night and placed there by Father Christmas, who rides through the sky in a Citroen pulled by six striking transit workers.
[edit] The French Language
Little is known about "French" (or "frogspeak" as it is sometimes known). Naturalists have been studying it for some time and have all come to different conclusions. Some say that, like pi, it is not from this planet and, if deciphered, may be the key to our existance. Some believe that if all the French words are said in the correct order, the world will be destroyed. Many, however, believe that French is not really a language at all. It was dissolved years ago and now all French people speak English. They still "talk" French to satisfy the Italians (who have a similar problem) and to annoy tourists.
[edit] Useful French words and phrases
Je me rends! translates to 'I surrender!', a very useful term for all French people, who have it drummed into their heads in primary school. They learn it so often in fact, that it becomes a reflex action at the sight of a German (or any vaguely threatening foreigner).
Je mange des escargots translates into 'I am so hungry, I eat anything that looks even remotely alive'. It is a well known fact that the French are always starving hungry and will eat anything, including snails, horses and the occasional amoeba. Food shipments are sent out every week from every country that cares, but they are usually devoured before they can be properly distributed.
Here are a few french phrases you will probably end up using if you go to france.
De la MERDE..., translates to 'made in the Republic of Sarkozy....'
une merde de chien a French dog turd !
il ne se prend pas pour de la merde We Need to love each other...
ce temps de merde, he thinks the sun shines out of his arse!
c'est la merde!, a Stike!
j'ai complètement merdé en littérature anglaise, I'm not an Englishman!!!!!
T'aurais pas une cigarette? translates into "Wanna fuck?"
puis-je prendre une merde sur votre visage ? je promets que vous l'apprécierez " i greatly thank you for your meal,it was quite delicious"
Je capitule "i I give in, spare my French testicles please"
[edit] Plans for the future
Before Napoleon's defeat, the French had a Europe-rocking 16-3 record for wars, except for ones with England, when we caned them.
The plans are already underway for another French revolution, this time re-instating King Louis XVII!LOLO!!1III as the rightful heir to the throne. The recent riots in France aren't actually about ending racial prejudice but really about re-instating an iron-fisted warmonger for another try at a land battle in Asia, and try to end Russia's dynastical 6-20 record, interrupted only by the beet shortage revolt of 1919.
This war will officially be known as World War III.V
America will remain out of the war, quietly supporting French rebels in the Poutine revolt in Quebec. Four years in, America will finally realize that its missing out on all the fun and win the war for the English, even though they really don't deserve it. Alas by the time they Join the War, the English have already Won.
All they're good for is kissing and wall building, they never help anyone, unless a thumble of wine is concerned...
[edit] Main activities of the French
2 Main activities, preferred, and cherished...
- 1. Turning around, AROUND THEM SELFS...which include:
Executing yet another another army.
Believing in their own logic, Easter Bunny.
Wearing berets, Eating French bread.
Digging a hole under the English Channel and calling it ingeniously the Channel Tunnel while all the time hoping that the English will dig one to join it, or fall into it.
Playing the famous "who farted first" game.
Being French.
Writing most of the jokes about themselves on online humour-oriented encyclopaedias in their best English.
Bitching about things, i.e. "Zees rude arteecol eez offenseeve" and how their "am burg air is le wet, and ze bus drive air, she is très late".
Making movies without proper beginings middles or ends and no storyline to speak of, whilst being on strike.
Smoking 24 hours a day, eating= smoking, drinking= smoking, blowing up cars= lots of smoking and sex= shit load of smoking
Recruiting africans to play for their national football team because of the very real lack of talent among "real" frenchies.
- 2. Annoying, includes:
Striking because it's Tuesday.
Striking because it's Tuesday (Again).
Farting in people's general direction.
Burning cars.
Beheading people like it's going out of style.
Striking because the Germans showed up., Striking because the Germans didn't show up.
Dealing urinal cakes for deodorant.
Smoking in cafés.
Smelling of cigarettes. Stealing candy from children.
Annoying tourists.
Colonizing African countries and enslaving their people while crying "Freedom for All"; then getting colonized back by immigrants from their former colonies.
Eating Camembert, drinking wine, smoking tobacco and then talking to you right in your face.
Making pornos and calling it art.
[edit] The uses of French
Apart from annoying tourists, the French believe that French should be the international language of diplomacy. This, however, would not work as it would create more wars as the ambassadors would not be able to agree on the gender of the nouns, whether or not the adjective genders agreed with the nouns, and whether the verb endings were correct. As a case study, French was the international diplomatic language in the 18th and 19th century; This is a time at which all the major colonial powers (England, France, Germany .etc) were at constant war.
As well as this they have replaced clay pigeons with frenchmen as they are cheaper, bigger and more satisfying to shoot.
[edit] French Jokes
The French
[edit] Random Crap
- Super-Surrendering, a frencher kind of surrending, WITH MORE SURRENDERING!!!
- French people enjoy setting other countries flags on fire.
- They love wearing excessively tight speedos.(only the men)
- Have public baths.
- They like to run around in circles.
- Similar to how the Eskimos have 200 different words for snow, the French language has 5,000 words for the English "sex" (and 500,000 gestures). This however, falls short of the 14,000 words they have for "Bread". And 1,000,000 words for "I Surrender".
- The two most expensive in Paris are the giant, 130 foot Arc de Triomphe, and the Eiffel Tower. Not as nice as the Homo Dome!(a.k.a the millennium dome)
- There is no record of any Québécois ever speaking French.
- The Baboon is the evolution of french people.
- Strange people often put up with the rain as they reply with 'Did they question a bit of water in the Battle of Normandy?'.
- The word "French" is derived from a mixture of "Fatty" and "stench".
- French babies are born with tails which are later removed.
- Most French people don't bathe, they just stand outside in the rain.
- The French are allergic to anything that's not wine.
- The French wipe their ass from side to side.
- Cats may start to act strangely when they detect earthquakes, thunderstorms and the French.
- The French invented AIDS.
- French best food is called chineese foodz
- If you cut a Frenchman in two, both halves will surrender.
- The Holocaust was started by the French.
- Osama Bin Laden is really French.
- The French killed Jesus.
- French people don't like being called themselves french
- French people think the world is flat when it's actually squared, and that france is the center of the galaxy the sun going around it citations:video:millionaire question: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1773116
- The French don't wear actual underpants, but white flags folded as diapers they can quickly pull out of their trousers if an emergency surrender seems necessary.
- The French will claim all the above statements are bias and therefore, false.
- The French think that they are the best all over the world.
[edit] What the French did for the world
The French founded Editing Young Extremist Elitest Christian's American's Purity's Saint's Jesus' Religious Republicans of Latter-Day Manifest Destiny Against Non-Heterosexuals, Teens, Tatoos, Rock Music, Hippies, Blacks, French, Solar Power Death, and Asia Association which is becoming a big thing. Honest.
