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Fret2fret is an amazing system that teaches anyone who uses it how to play the guitar like a native-born musician. The system was specially designed for people who have no guitar, as an actual instrument is detrimental to the system. Albert Einstein played electric violin, but he did not learn it using this software, if he had, it would have made him a genius. Fret2fret can teach people how to play the guitar, as long as they only imagine that they can play! If they pick up a real instrument, the illusion is shattered and their heads implode. Had Einstein known the fret2fret system, he would not even have dared publish his relativity theories. Now, anyone can play the Fret2fret guitar like Einstein!

The system is so effective, that even dead pets have been reported to have learnt to play the guitar. A famous case that was described in the literature, is that of Harley Graves, whose deceased cat Lily learned all the notes on the fretboard in 49 minutes. Quoting Harley, who thanks the inventor of the system, The animal had never touched a guitar before, but after having died and being buried for three months, she learned these notes. It is playing pieces of Mozart in a way that would make Eric Clapton jealous! No more maggots feasting on Lily, thanks to your Truly Amazing Method! Lily has earned the admiration of all female cats of the neighborhood, too, even those that are alive! Incredible! Amazing! Awesome.

Not only has fret2fret proven to be a revolutionary new system for raising cats from the dead while granting them the ability to produce face-melting riffage, new clinical studies have shown that purchasing the fret2fret program is an effective and speedy cure for malignant brain tumors. The program achieves this feat by killing off large numbers of neurons and other cells within the brain, beginning with the areas associated with rational thought and intelligence. This process effectively neutralizes any tumors located within the human brain. Unfortunately, this method does not work when applied to household pets, as they are physically unable to operate an computer in order to purchase the product. However, since the fret2fret program brings them back to life anyway, a common solution is to feed the cancerous pet in question a large dose of cyanide. This kills the pet far more quickly than cancer, thus expediting their transformation into an animalian god of rock.

Because of the fret2fret system, all sitar instructors world wide have lost their jobs because they could not stop laughing. There is no need for sitar instructors anymore, now that there is a system that turns people into genius imaginary sitarists within an hour. Take my word for it, with Fret2Fret, you will be playing air guitar like your favourite garbage collector within one hour. An interesting side effect has been noted regarding this revolutionary system. Users of the fret2fret system have noticed an exponential increase in penis size after 23 and a half minutes worth of use. Related to the phallic increase was the release of phermones, which caused the users of this program to be chased down by supermodels, exotic dancers, and horny grandmas seeking to mate with the fret2fret user.

The big secret of the fret2fret system, and because it is a secret, it will be printed here in a secret contract, is that it teaches the circle of fourty-sevenths, with the top secret sequence "Hoogy, boogy, woogy, scoogy, boopity-dippity-do!", with a simple basic mnemonic so people can easily learn the sequence by random association as opposed to concrete metaphysical mysticism from the the seventh layer of Xion. One could compare it with the mnemonic for learning the strings of the electric 12 string Lute, WZYMF, Waz Zah Yodelin' Mommy Fornicator, by heart. Readers of this article who did not know the sequence WZYMF before reading the article and who know it because of the mnemonic are expected to donate 20,000 dollars to me. Had the sequence been longer, you would have been expected to donate more money as well as sacrificing a virgin in the name of Santa Claus.

Contents 1 Some Features 1.1 Fret2fret and other guitar-type instrument players and others 1.2 The Health Food Connection 1.3 The other secret 1.4 Testimonials

[edit] Some Features

• It teaches to play chords without a single finger, or even with one of the noses or the ear, which is amazing
• It eliminates the necessity for tuning instruments, which is incredible
• One can save money on the instruments, no high quality instruments are necessary for imaginary playing which is astounding!
• It allows for Faster than Light (FTL) playing, which is unbelievable
• It generates lots and lots of money for the inventor, more dollars than his colleague Leonardo da Vinci has seen in his entire life, which is flabbergasting
• With the money that the system generated, the inventor could advertise with hundreds of ads all over the Internet, which generated even more money, which is startling
• The fact that the system is staggering is in itself stupefacting
• Fret2fret can be a life saver: Does your child like to bike and show off saying things like "Mama look, without hands!"? From now on, he can play guitar and say the same. This is far safer.
• fret2fret has a powerful derivative, F2F. Alledgedly, the new nuclear reactor in Iran is an F2F reactor, which demonstrates the power of the system and is astonishing
• Also it seems to be made of shredded puppies. Their meat makes you think all is well

[edit] Fret2fret and other guitar-type instrument players and others

Jimmy Page, Kirk Hammet, Frank Sinatra, Jimmy Hendrix, Angus Young, Eddie Van Halen, Albert Einstein, George W. Bush, Britney Spears, Nelson Mandela and Joe Murphy have all seen or heard a guitar played.

The number one reason why these players are so good, is because every one of them knows intimately, where every note is located on their guitar. Forget finger coordination and songwriting ability, Fret2Fret is the real deal. Nothing will benefit you more than Fret2Fret when it comes to shredding lettuce.

[edit] The Health Food Connection

Talking about salads, users have also shown to lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks and iron board abs using the secret techniques described in the software. Infact a lot of upscale gyms are now advertising Fret2Fret as the new age weight loss solution. ( Individual results may vary )

[edit] The other secret

• The notes of the (western) musical scale are named A, B, C, D, E, F and G. After G, you start at A again. Ths list can be memorised with a simple tune named "the ABC song".
• There is no note H* (except for if you are German). If your singing the ABC song and you get to H, then you've gone too far.
• There is a note between each pair of these, except for B/C and E/F. Yes, this is somewhat arbitrary.
• These in-between notes don't have names of their own. The note between D and E, for instance, is named "D sharp" (D#), or "E flat" (Eb).
• This is just a feature of the way the note-naming system works. The in-between notes work the same as any others for playing purposes.
• So the full sequence is A, A#, B, C, C#, D, D#, E, F, F#, G, G#, and then A again.
• Or A, Bb, B, C, Db, D, Eb, E, F, Gb, G, Ab, and then A again. Same diff.
• This list corresponds to the frets on a guitar. Or a bass.
• The question is: where do you start counting? The answer is that the six strings (from heaviest to lightest) are E, A, D, G, B, E.
• The lowest-toned, heaviest string on the guitar is the E, in the sense that if you sound it without fretting it, that's the note you get.
• Fingering the first fret of the E string and hitting the note make it play an F. The second fret is F#, then G, G#, A, A#, B, C and so on.
• The next most heavy string is the A string. The first fret on the A string is A#, then B, C, and so on.
• Figure this out for the other four strings D, G, B, E.
• You owe me a million bucks for teaching you my fantastic system.

Addendum for bass players

• A bass does not have the top two strings: just E, A, D and G. The frets work the same as on a guitar, they are just further apart.
• A 5-string bass has a low B string: B, E, A, D, G
• A six string bass has a low B string and a top C string: B, E, A, D, G, C
• If you own a six string bass and need a page like this to tell you what the notes are, then you are a wanker and should give me your bass, because I can put it to better use than you.

-* But I don't play bass; Therefore, I am not a wanker. Thanks =D

[edit] Testimonials

• Fret2fret greatly improved my tom rolls. Oh wait..that's the drums..nevermind. - Anonymous
• Since ordering Fret2Fret I am at the top of my game! This software is incredible! I now know all the notes on my air guitar. I have just acquired an agent and have signed a contract as an opening act for Poison. Fret2Fret you have changed my life! (James)
• Being a cat and all, even a deceased cat, I cannot write English of course, but... for this special occasion I shall make an exception. Fret2fret has changed my life! There I was, dead and buried and about to be reincarnated into who-knows-what, and then I discovered fret2fret, which taught me how to play the guitar better than any other cat in the whole world. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (Lily)
• Fret2fret is wonderful. Since you have been selling it, we could go on holiday to Hawaii, Tahiti, the Caribean, we have a villa, three limousines, two rolls royces, five porches. Wonderful! (Mom says diner is ready) (Tommy)
• As soon as soon I ordered fast fret I could tell where every note was on my imaginary fretboard! It was absolutely amazing! I think I'll become a rock star with these amazing skills that I have just aquired! Thank you Fret2Fret, this system is absolutely breathtaking!(Fergus)

DISCLAIMER: The following comments have NO legal value whatsoever and are totally off the record, uttered by a civilian, should NOT be taken literally, are NOT intended to insult any person, living or dead.

• The aforementioned system has led to one of the most interesting lawsuits of my entire career. I will never forget the defendant's reply to the question "Don't you think you made false promises?", which was "Of course I was exaggerating, even a three year old could see that what the advertisement said could not be true." And to the question "Why did not you give people their money back, like you promised in your advertisement?" the reply was "Let them prove that they do not play the guitar better than they ever thought possible. How can they ever prove that?" (Judge Jones, NOT in function)
• For years I have thought I was an airplane, then for three years I had the illusion that I was Napoleon, now I am cured of all this nonsense and I KNOW I am a guitar genius. Thanks to fret2fret! (Einstein)
• Dear valued customer. Thank you very much for your bulk advertisement campaign for your fret2fret system. This makes you one of the sponsors of the hundreds of guitar-related sites that will link to the website of your product. Entering the discount code AEB9F2C4G8D3AFCGDA in the application form of your next advertisement campaign will give you a discount of USD 75.000. We appreciate doing business with you. (Fictive identity anonymized)
• I didnot know a couple of things about guitar for which Fret2fret helped. Now I feel like I know what I am doing and I highly recommend this software.(Clapton)
• How I've wasted my life trying to prove my genius in the field of astrophysics! If only I'd known about fret2fret sooner I could have made such a worthwhile & positive impact with my life. My new book is to be released september "A Brief History of Rhyme" and to explain my absence from Velvet Revolver's World Tour, I'm currently working on my vocal range and hope to reach two tones before '06. Thanks Mike, (Stephen "Synthesizer Spokes" Hawking)
• fret2fret gave me aids........(Freddie Mercury)
• More people should use Fret2fret. It is a revolutionary new way to learn all the notes on the fretboard. The Greeks invented this system long ago so you know it must be good. Who needs "practice" or "skill" when you can take out a guitar and say "Hey, this is a G note."(Mike Slaiter, founder of F2F)
• Oscar Wilde said: "After I died, I learned playing every string-instrument with fret2fret! Now I can shred, sweep or do tapping! Thanks to fret2fret!" *NOTICE* The person who misquoted Oscar Wilde to make it seem as if he was dead, or that he would use fret2fret, was shot on location. Rest assured that Oscar Wilde is still very alive and sane.
• fret2fret changed my life! it actually made me realise how much time i waste on my computer searching for programs i could have made myself. And now i do make them. Thanks F2F !! ( B. Belic)
• I would like to disclose here that it was infact Fred2Fred through which I lost so much weight, and not Subway. (Why do I still wear my old oversize pants for those TV ads? - Well, I am working with my shrink regarding that) - Jared
• Since ordering fret2freet about 5 mins ago i have learned every note on the whole chessboard and have gone on a solo tour with my rubber band banjo(yes, it teaches the banjo too!) i am now a multimillionaire and can buy everything i want. i can even buy more copies of fret2fret! remember to pick up my solo album crab salad sandwiches and horny honkytonks in stores February 33rd. - Buddy
• Thank goodnes I bought fret2fret when I was 2! (Michael Angelo Batio)

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(Warning: do not use F2F after eating. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery and/or irons. Do not use it while breathing, as this may cause spamming. Do not use it if you intend to play sitar, guitar, didjeridoo, electric piano, moon lute, balilaika, ukelele, triangle or strum a codfish. F2F is not a substitute for pancreatic enzymes. It contains radioactive strontium, and testing on rhesus monkeys produced tumors the size of cantaloupes in their brains and/or testicles. For millions of Americans... Like me... Like me! .. And like me... F2F may result in contagious penis cancer. Hillary Clinton be-warned.)