Frodo Baggins

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Frodo Baggins b. 1970 in the Shire in England. Real name Woodo-kiss Wonder Boy or Frodo Faggins is a well known actor and singer. He has starred in such films as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Give Me Back My Potato." He has grown to stardom through the years and even had a record deal with a large producing company. He started his career as a lowly hobbit, but soon became one of television's most beloved stars. Now he is the mayor of Ede (the place where nobody understands anything.)

Contents 1 Early Life 2 The Samwise Gamgee Connection 3 Show Biz 4 Love Life 5 Albums 6 Trivia 7 Present Day 8 Allegations of Gandalf's Folly 9 More about his position in LOTR

[edit] Early Life

Woodo-kiss Wonder Boy Baggins was born in the Shire to parents Frida and George W. Baggins, with only one sibling, Brodo Faggins. He is a Dutch mink farmer with laser-beam eyes. Sadly, at four years of age, both of his parents died in a freak accident involving a shower curtain, bucket of water, and some frisky trout. Brodo also unfortunately died while he was trampled by several immigrants from Algeria. This is when Frodo was adopted by his uncle (which he later learned to be his true father) Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo took wonderful care of Frodo. This is also when Frodo was first introduced to disco music and changed his name to Afrodo Baggins. Within twenty years, he would become a first-rate dancer and become known to the world. He also had a part time job begging for money on the streets of the Shire. He soon got a movie deal and his real career began.However it was small-time and unsuccessful, so he decided to team up with Weird Al and defeat Darth Vader who was later revealed to be a tiny puppy working controls from behind a curtain. Then they jacked out of the matrix.(Those last two statements are completely inaccurate but if it did happen it would be kick-ass.)

[edit] The Samwise Gamgee Connection

Under the wing of his uncle (father) Bilbo, Frodo was not only introduced to Disco music, but also to some not so family appropriate activities. Frodo would soon develop homosexual tendencies, which were invoked by his dear uncle (father) Bilbo's desire to play erotic sex games between meal times as a nightly routine. He slowly began to enjoy the sexual activities and participated joyfully as Bilbo would invite friends over to take part in the orgies (where Brodo Faggins was often laughed about and made fun of), one of these friends is Gandalf the Gay, who's relatively large penis traumatized young Frodo, causing him never to participate in sexual activities again (he swore to celibacy).

10 years later he became friends with Samwise Gamgee, a local male gardener who had recently arrived from Tijuana, Mexico on illegal terms. Frodo and Samwise began to take a liking to each other. Both young men had come from a similar past of sexual abuse, incest, and brutal orgies which scarred both boys deeply.

Weeks into their new friendship, Frodo began to experience lust and an animal urge to sexually interact with Samwise. Frodo had fallen back into his unhealthy sexual cycle.

Frodo blackmailed Sam. "If don't perform oral sex on me, I will have you sent back to Mexico." Frodo said. "I'll deport your sorry, oh so wonderful, ass."

Samwise, trying desperately to salvage his new freedom, gave into Frodo's demands and not only preformed oral sex for Frodo on a daily basis, but he also began to fantazise about Mr. Frodo.

This vicious cycle of sex and homosexuality developed into a deep and passionate love. Such as when Frodo was almost killed by Shelob, Sam shouted passionately, "No, Mr. Frodo, don't die, we still haven't made love from behind!".

Against the Fellowship's wishes Frodo and Sam married. They had four children (spawned from Frodo's colon after it was enchanted by Gandalf the Gay) named Don King, Benito Romanelli, Usher, and your mom.

[edit] Show Biz

Frodo's first movie, "The Night of the Were-Sauerkraut" was a smash hit. It was on the Shire's top ten movie list for almost a week. But then there was a horrible disaster. Chuck E. Cheese threatened to sue Frodo for portraying sauerkraut as an inferior race. Frodo's party decided to settle at quite a sum. From then on, all sauerkraut was treated equally. Brodo Faggins was often laughed about during the lawsuit.

After this Frodo starred in his second movie a romantic thriller titled "A week in my pyjama-bottoms". Here Frodo took the leading role as Arthur the hairy but, nevertheless, charming window-cleaner. After the movie surprisingly bombed at the box office, only peaking at number 59, Frodo became involved in another more successful project, this time in television. On the 6. August 1999 Frodo guest appeared in the Will and Grace Series playing Grace’s gay, colourful, Marxist, great-grandfather. After this his career skyrocketed. Christmas the same year he was a guest on Geraldo; here he rekindled his love for the disco beat. Unfortunately he got buh´ed off the stage after urinating in front of the audience. The audience sent him off with cries of "Long Live Brodo Faggins!"

The movie that made Frodo a household name was "Coming Tuesday to DVD," appropriately released only on DVD. In this film, Frodo and a friend stay up all monday night waiting for their favorite movie to be released on DVD. The movie happened to be the very movie they starred in, "Coming Tuesday to DVD." They watch the movie and find out that they are watching themselves on DVD only several hours earlier. When the movie was released in stores, Frodo and his friend stayed up all night to be the first to purchase it in an attempt to boost sales.(Brodo Faggins also somehow made an appearance in this film, but no one knows how, seeing as it had recently come to light that Brodo had not been trampled by Algerian immigrants, but had died in a revolt against the Bulgarian government.)

Shortly after the Geraldo incident, Frodo starred in probably one of his greatest movies of all time, "The Lord of the Rings." In this movie, Frodo and his friends attempt to destroy a ring-tone supposed to hold the power of the Dark Lord Squeegee-saurus Rex. However this character was soon replaced by a similar character with a slightly different name, Sauron. Frodo's friends were mostly mages from another dimension, each with a different elemental affinity. But there was one friend who betrayed Frodo, who was Earth elemental, appropriately named "Golem." Golem wanted to steal the ring-tone and use it for himself. Frodo dissed Golem and he was offended and left the team to start a new evil life under the completely original identity "Gollum." Gollum became a schizophrenic and developed the habit of talking to himself.

Supposedly, Gollum was heard talking to himself and repeatedly saying, "Brodo Faggins, Brodo Faggins, where are thou, Brodo Faggins?" It is unknown if he was simply mixing up the two names with the famous Shakespearean play, Jomeo and Ruliet. It was also theorized that Faggins and Gollum were in an intimate relationship.

Frodo eventually destroys the ring-tone and Middle-Earth can live happily ever after. Gollum also falls into the "volcano", which was believed to be a hoax and was actually recreated in the middle of the Nevada desert. Just like 9/11. Also, the moon landing was filmed here, with Brodo Faggis as Buzz Aldrin. Neil Armstrong was played by Senator Hilary Clinton.

This movie was so good they made it in 3 parts to get people to pay for it three times, not including buying the boxed set with like a billion hours of bonus features.

[edit] Love Life

Frodo has had intimate relationships with several people. Among one of his most sexual lovers was Hermione Granger. Hermione practiced her spells very much and preferred to play with Frodo's wand rather than her own. Although Frodo loved Hermione very much, he resoved that he had to leave her because he found out she was a woman. In a fit of raging depression, he evolved into a Neo-Nazi in which he became attracted to a short young eight-year old named Rudolf Skitler. Rudolf and Frodo danced in a field of flowers almost every day, sharing old times and "enchanting stories" of their previous adventures. After several years of romantic loving and killing Jews, the couple married and had one-hundred and seventeen kids, all of which were named Reichel, after Hitler's long lost twin brother. Unfortunately, Rudolf died of Genital Herpes and Frodo was forced to execute all of his children. One day, as he ushered his children into the "fun room" (which wasn't really all that fun), Frodo saw something he'd never seen before. A man giving various STD's to all of his mountain goats. Before that moment, Frodo had never believed in love at first sight. He strolled over to the man he'd fallen in love with. "I must know your name." Frodo said. "My name is Samwise." He replied. The couple then did something that's definitely not a cliche and lived happily ever after. Dick Cheney took over the position of head Neo-Nazi.

[edit] Albums

Frodo had several record deals during his stardom. They all rose to the top of the charts, then they went violet and marigold.

Some of his more popular songs are:

• Shake That Bunny Again!
• Cheese is Not a Fruit
• Sam, My Precious Remix
• I Take that Back, Cheese is Actually a Fruit
• 'Teh' is My Favorite Word
• Give Me Pie Or Die
• Taters
• Ring on the Run
• Tokin' the Old Toby
• Nothing Happened on Mount Doom, I Swear (Emotional Confessions)
• Those Elf Bitches
• WereWargs of London
• Cheese it, into Something Special for Christmas (Christmas Album)
• Why Don't We Wear Shoes? (My Feet Hurt)
• I'm not a midget: blues!
• I swear Ican write better songs...
• Penis Rings (The Greatest Hits)

Although his music was controversial, many hobbits bought into his totally sweet tunes.

[edit] Trivia

• Frodo made a total of twenty-two films
• Three were sequels
• One was a pre-sequel
• Twenty were post-sequels
• One was not made at all
• Frodo never knew he had a twin brother, His name is Toby Maguire...
• Frodo's favorite sport is Spitball
• Frodo's favorite food is orc-kabobs
• Frodo's feet are not the only part of his body that are extremely hairy!
• Frodo is an ordained cosmonaut
• Frodo was convicted of the murder of Gandalf the wizard but then he came back in the second film though some believe the returned Gandalf was just an imposter sent by Sauron to take his place seeing as Sauron was dying of a debilitating disease of unknown to man.
• Frodo dreams of one day being a real woman and marrying a shetland pony named Vince
• Frodo was the Marquess of Huntly
• Frodo is exactly 2 feet and 1 inches tall
• Frodo brutally harassed Gollum when he was six years old.
• Frodo is exactly 1 foot and 2 inches tall in the pants
• Frodo enjoyed much of his childhood exploring Bilbo Baggins' hobbit hole
• Frodo is really Winona Ryder. Seriously. Compare two pictures. For Real.
• Frodo supports West Ham and is an an active football hooligan in the inner city firm. He went on to take on America while singing 'Forever Blowing Bubbles'
• Frodo's favorite film is The Ant Bully.
• Frodo once said of the Nintendo Power Glove, "I love the power glove. It's so bad."
• Frodo is actually trisexual.

[edit] Present Day

Frodo is no longer with us. He went to the big palace in the sky. He had it constructed especially for him. Unfortunately, due to his short stature, he needs a butler to reach stuff, and has a custom potty built specifically for the purpose of using it. Frodo rarely allows visitors, but once every umpteen years, he throws a party and invites the entire Underground Civilization of the Churkeys.

[edit] Allegations of Gandalf's Folly

It has been reported in the Shire Times that Frodo Baggins accused Gandalf of third degree child molestation. Fourth degree child molestation involves a gold club and a stuffed moose. According to his sworn statement "keep it safe and keep it secret" and "stick out your hand, it's quite cool" were common antics used by the wizard to lure the hobbit. When we called the wizard at his office his only reply was "that hairy-footed slut should keep his mouth shut!"

[edit] More about his position in LOTR

As well as Frodo destroying the One Ring, he also destroyed Brit Pop and Sesame Street. Aragorn was displeased, and Merry and Pippin were actually rather happy.