Full House
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Operation Full House was a US military operation that lasted from 1987 though 1995, though it is still in syndication. It was created late one Saturday when Zonald Donald Zegan Ronald Reagans evil twin, some anonymous military guys, and Butters were having their usual drinking binge/cabinet meeting. Minutes for the meeting were taken by Satan and are in some kind of horrible cursed illegible runic language that causes you to burst into flames the moment you see it, but the participants are believed to have been eating sour patch kids.
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[edit] Plot
After a clean freak named Danny Tanner "accidentaly" kills his wife by shoving a mop down her throat, Danny enlists the help of his brother-in-law Jesse (who later turns out to be a rencarnated version of Elvis Presley) and Joey (who is just plain retarded, and is also a Michael Winslow wanabe) to look after his three daughters. Hmm. Three grown men and three little girls in one house. Kind of perverted when you think about it.
At the end of the series, it is revealed that Mrs. Tanner was not acctually dead, but was instead hiding behind Stephany's underwear drawer. She faked her death to see how the idea for the show itself would work out, and since it sucked she decided to reveal herself. The episode ends with all the characters hugging, only to be eaten and later crapped out by the family dog.
[edit] Objectives
There were two points to Operation Full House:
- Gather all the most dangerous threats to America (Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, the Olsen twins, et al.) and seal them off from the public in a closed sitcom set
- Air the sitcom on network TV, instantly killing anybody who would actually choose to watch more than three seconds of it and thus making the world a much better place
- After that people would start to turn into vegetables and who will only watch full house...they will then be raped by Bob Saget
[edit] Objections
Strangely, nobody objected, as basically everybody in the world was also smoking crack and/or drunk as all hell that year. Soviet Russia offered Yakov Smirnoff for containment, but the USA politely declined. With bombs.
[edit] The Cast And Various Horrible Fates They Deserve
[edit] Bob Saget
Bob Saget was assigned by Robert E. Lee to hold the Fredricksburg Heights against Union General John Sedgewick whilst Lee defended his rear positions against Union attacks spearheaded by the capable General "Fightin" Joe Hooker. However, Hooker became nervous, and ordered his troops to dig defensive positions, ruining his surprise advantage. Lee escaped once again.
Saget defeated Gen. Sedgewick in less than half an hour, thanks to the Wolverines' help in killing the commies, intellectuals, naysayers and gays, and was able to assist Gen. Lee with mop-up operations.
Sadly, Confederate General "Stonewall" Jackson was fatally wounded after returning victorious to his camp, bringing to a close the notable Jackson-Longstreet Pornography Ring of 1863, which had terrorized central Washington D.C. for months, flooding the sizable erotica market with cheap duplications and poorly-made drivel (much like this article). Saget was also known for inserting his penis in Dave Coulier's mouth any type he spoke out of line.
[edit] Dave Coulier
Dave Coulier is a slang term for smegma, also known as "dick cheese".
What the fuck did Joey do that was so great? Jesse was the cool guy, but you just sat around and watched cartoons. It's a good thing D.J. could run faster than you, you fucking freak.
[edit] John Stamos
John Stamos, under the name of Jesse Cornonthecobstapolis, was found inside a pawn shop in the future. He later became addicted to amphetamines.
[edit] Candace Cameron
Popularly believed to be merely a typo for Candid Camera.
Cameron fondly recalled one incident backstage, where Bob Saget, commenting on Cameron's newly-gained weight, called her "Canned-Ass" for nearly three weeks. Everyone laughed and laughed, including Candace, but she never really saw what was so funny after all.
[edit] Jodie Sweetin
Notable for playing the first Full-House character to grow boobs (possible exception being Dave Coulier's Joey Gladstone.)
[edit] Kimmy Gibbler
Was originally cast as an Asian, this is hommaged by the fact that in every shot she is visible, she is eating a bowl fried rice
[edit] Michelle
Used as a crutch for every single fucking gap in the show that the scriptwriters had about two years into the show's run. (See: Tired gag, Marmaduke, Family Circus)
Example:
Bob Saget is lecturing Michelle, who is staring at him.
Bob Saget: Now, Michelle, remember NOT TO EAT those COOKIES that I convienently placed directly next to your high chair. I'm going to go remind Joey that he still needs to find a job, and to stop staring at D.J.'s soft, dewy, nubile skin at the dinner table while not blinking. I'll be right back.
Michelle: Yubyubymuck.
Bob Saget: (laughs) Hah! Oh, Michelle.
Laugh track
Michelle stares at the cookie jar
Alternating close-ups on the jar and Michelle's face
Bob Saget: Michelle!
Michelle is eating cookies
Bob Saget: Oh, kids!
Slide whistle, Benny Hill theme music, fade to black
[edit] Aftermath
- The results of the operation were kept top secret, leading most people to believe that it was a massive failure. They are absolutely right.
- The national suicide rate jumped .0035075%, according to the United States Bureau of Extremely Small Percentages.
[edit] External links
- [1] a clip from the Full House music video
