Fyodor Dostoevsky
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“Stupid git.”
- ~ Ivan the Terrible on Fyodor Dostoevsky
“Without Dostoevsky, everything is permitted”
- ~ Ivan Fyodorovich Karamazov on Fyodor Dostoevsky
Tsar Fyodor Mikhailovich Ivanovich Insanovich Stupidovich Dostoevsky (October 30/November 11, 1821 - January 28/February 9, 1881) was a famous Russian author, and tsar, succeeding his father Ivan the Terrible. He was also a dumbass of great degree, which explains a lot.
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[edit] Name
Although his name is spelt Dostoevsky, he lacked the intelligence to spell his name correctly and often wrote it Dostoyevsky, Dostoievsky, or Dostoevski. However, on his worse days (which were more often than not), he completely failed to come remotely close with Фёдор Миха́йлович Достое́вский. He had the same trouble with his other names, and even with the number of names he had, which became reflected in his books, where characters often had twelve or more names (which he also spelt numerous ways because he couldn't remember them all). Others had a wider variety of names for Dostoevsky, though, commonly referring to him as His Dumbness, His Royal Stupidity, the worst Russian author ever to walk the face of this Earth, or just plain dumbass.
[edit] Life
Dostoevsky was born in Moscow on October 30 and again two weeks later. Moscow was extremely unpleasant at the time; local landmarks included a cemetery for criminals, a lunatic asylum, and an orphanage for abandoned infants. His father, Ivan the Terrible, was even worse. At 16, Dostoevsky was sent to a military engineering academy, where his began to hate mathematics. He showed homosexual tendencies as a young man, writing two plays that have fortunately been lost to time.
In 1849, Dostoevsky was sentenced to death as a practical joke, which was only revealed as he was about be shot. He didn't find this very funny. He still thought, however, that he was convicted of some sort of crime and spent the next four years in jail. Throughout his time there, his cognitive function decreased. He became deeply religious for the sole reason of the church bells, which he enjoyed ringing a lot. For another five years after that, Dostoevsky joined the army, until in 1859 he was discovered to have written plays and was subsequently kicked out. During his stay in the army, however, he met a random woman (whom he thought to be a man) and married her in 1857. She later died in 1864, leaving behind a confused Dostoevsky, who had only just recently realized her gender. Dostoevsky, depressed and in a sort of Crying Game scenario, decided that he should fall in love with something of unmistakeable gender. He chose gambling. Over the course of the next year, he was slowly drained of all his money.
In a mad rush to pay for his rent (which his wife usually handled), Dostoevsky wrote Crime and Punishment, a 520-page explanation of the Russian justice system that had somehow acquired a plotline. At the same time, his publisher realized Dostoevsky had repaid a debt with Monopoly money and demanded that he write another book. He responded by writing The Gambler, which told the story of his love for gambling. Shortly thereafter, his father, Ivan the Terrible, died, leaving Dostoevsky the throne.
[edit] Rule (God Help Us)
When Dostoevsky ascended the throne, he decided that he should let someone else should do all the political stuff while he handled the important business of travelling around and ringing church bells. His long, dull books about nothing in particular were often read aloud as a method of torture for criminals and prisoners during his reign, which made him listed alongside Tsar Pushkin and Tsar Chekhov as one of the most brutal figures of 19th century Russian literature. Dostoevsky also reportedly had a love affair with his contemporary, Leo Tolstoy, who insisted upon writing books so long no one would willing read them.
Dostoevsky always bore great resemblance to a mentally insane person, while his writings too appeared to have been written by a lunatic. His most frightening aspect, his beard, was never washed during his lifetime (and it showed). His appearance, though, would never match the pure terror of that of his father's. He spent his entire rule in the shadow of his father, which led to him being nicknamed "Fyodor the Not-Quite-So-Terrible".
Dostoevsky died in 1881 of emphysema, lung hemorraging, and an epileptic seizure. He was the first man recorded to have died from three causes. Due to his absent-mindedness, he did not realize he was dead until someone told him two weeks later, causing him to have a massive heart attack. Forty thousand people attended his funeral, under the threat of being forced to read The Brothers Karamazov if they did not. Leo Tolstoy gave a famous eulogy, during which half of the crowd committed suicide.
[edit] Works
Dostoevsky's writing has been acclaimed as dull, worthless, boring, and stupid by many people around the world. As such, literary critics cannot get enough of it. His writing was heavily influenced by that of philosophers Idiocrates and Moronicus, both of whom he absolutely adored and loved.
During his imprisonment in Siberia, Dostoevsky had acquired a morbid obsession with the Russian Orthodox Church, and often mailed love letters to his local Archdiocese, requesting that these letters be sent with all due haste to Jesus. Eventually, the Church would have to take out a restraining order to prevent Dostoevsky from running up to random clergymen, making love to them, and then buggering off into the night. Dostoevsky was also under the impression that a love of Jesus was the only way he could prevent himself from killing others (though his books obviously killed) and the only way to prevent everyone else from murdering him.
Amongst Dostoevsky's most prominent themes were: surrealism, murder, suicide, wounded pride, collapsed family values (due to no Jesus), spiritual regeneration through suffering, Jesus Saves!, evil atheists, rejection of the West and affirmation of Russian Orthodoxy and Tsarism. As such, most biographers agree that Dostoevsky was really fucked up.
Dostoevsky claimed to have written his first novel, i maed a yuky doody, when he was only several months of age. However, this was an exaggeration; he was actually 27 years of age when he penned the novel. He also claimed he wrote the entire manuscript of Fisher Price in one day when it really took him most of his adult life. He was also found to not be the original author of the piece of literature either. This was because Dostoevsky was completely unable to keep time.
Dostoevsky’s second book, Porr fulk (originally named "Бедные люди"), made him a celebrity. Russians loved the short novel, evidently, despite the fact that every word was horribly misspelled, even the simple, single-letter ones. He also added letters to some words for no reason other than "it looked nice." On occasion, he would begin writing random French or German words (which were also horribly misspelled) without realizing it, while other times he wrote plain gibberish. He didn’t know the difference between the languages.
For some strange reason which no one can explain, Dostoevsky influenced the entire movement of Existentialism, which made about as much sense as he did:
- The Brothers Karamazov
- The Brothers KaRAMazov!
- The Brothers Microsovt
- Notes from the Underground
- The Idiot (an autobiography)
- The Other Idiot
- Crime and Punishment
- Law and Order
- The House of the Dead
- The Day of the Dead
- The Night of the Living Dead
[edit] Related links
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Woody Allen=Jenna Jameson | --------------------------------------------------- | | | Christ=Antichrist Village idiot=Lulu Oscar Wilde=Buffy the Vampire Slayer | | | ------------------------------- Howard Stern Yoko Ono=Godzilla | | | Clark Kent=Princess Diana Minnie Mouse=Fyodor Dostoevsky 早安+大家好 |-Adolph Hitler | | |-Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom=You Know Who |-Wonder Woman | To be continued...
