G4-TechTV War
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] Background
The G4-TechTV War is a war between the forces of G4, the network dedicated to the worst shows on TV, and the popular tech-oriented network TechTV. It began in the year 2004, when G4, led by Charles Hirschhorn, sought to expand their presence on cable and satellite TV systems. Since no sane cable or satellite operator would add G4 because it sucks, G4 had to invade another network in order to expand.
[edit] G4 Invasion of TechTV
In the spring of 2004, G4 decided to invade TechTV, since it was the most similar network to G4 content-wise, with the major difference that TechTV's shows actually were pretty good and worth watching. G4 operatives began an all-out attack on TechTV's headquarters in the back of a Bay Area Best Buy, by embedding undercover agents at TechTV to disrupt and overthrow the existing TechTV power structure. G4 also targeted TechTV's parent company, Vulcan Nerve Pinch, Inc., in an effort to take over the top of TechTV's management. This succeeded in May of 2004, under the illusion of a "merger". G4 assumed full control of TechTV on May 28, 2004, and renamed it to G4techtv in an attempt to deceive TechTV forces that this was a merger and not an invasion.
The "webcomic" coupe VGcats documented the beginnings of G4's invasion. You can find it yourself, you pansy.
[edit] G4's Anti-Tech Jihad
After G4 forces assumed control of TechTV under the guise of a "merger", they turned their attention to their jihad against all things TechTV and eliminating all traces of good tech shows from the network. This began with the announcement that TechTV's headquarters would be completely closed down in favor of moving all operations to G4's headquarters, which was intended to eliminate all rebellion by TechTV forces and entice many to leave TechTV forever.
G4 also began an amibitious program to eliminate all quality programming on the network (now renamed "G4-TechTV"). Despite a valiant defense by rebel commander Leo Laporte; Call For Help, Fresh Gear, and a slew of other shows were given the axe immediately after G4 invaded TechTV. These shows were replaced by existing G4 shows and a few new original creations, mostly related to the topic of poop. The Screen Savers was slightly more lucky, as it was preserved in its original form for some time due to the valiant fighting of some remaining TechTV forces, who continued to resist despite the recent exile of their commander Leo Laporte.
This would not last, however. Instead of cancelling The Screen Savers (which would make their real plans obvious), G4 decided to gradually make the show crappier and crappier. They insisted on new segments such as "Crappy Rapper of the Week", "Xtreme Xtremeness", "Interviews with Lame People", and "Crude Jokes that Aren't Funny". At the dawn of the new year, the show was hardly recognizable at all and it's audience had fallen to the point where 60% of it either worked for or knew someone who worked for G4. The mass media began calling this an "Attack of the Show", as it was so horrible that many thought that watching it attacked your intelligence. The name stuck, and G4 decided to officially rename the show to "Attack of the Show" because everybody was already calling it that anyway. Unfortunately, G4 wasn't smart enough to know that people were calling it that because it sucked.
[edit] TechTV in exile
As G4 slowly began massive purges of TechTV supporters, a large number decided to establish operations in exile at the G4techtv Canada headquarters in Nunavut. Despite the G4 in the name, G4 held very little control over the Canadian operations, and Canadians themselves widely held the "G4" in the network's name to be silent (almost everyone refers to it as TechTV, including those who work there). Leo Laporte was among the first to set up shop in exile, followed by Kevin Rose. In exile, TechTV began producing a few shows in exile, most notably Call For Help 2.0 (a combination of the popular TechTV shows Call For Help and The Screen Savers). These shows were carried in Canada and Australia, but G4 forces in the U.S. prevented the show from airing there despite the high demand for it. At the same time, TechTV forces were building massive guerrilla forces, under the name "The TWiT Army". These acts helped prepare TechTV forces in exile to launch a massive assault on G4 forces.
Unfortunately, some of the TechTV forces never made it to Canada. Among the captives are Gaming Department commander Adam Sessler and Head of Gaming Morgan Webb. They were a few miles from the Canadian border when they were captured by G4 special forces. They were then sent to a g4 reeducation camp where they were forced to air subliminal g4 propaganda on their surviving hit show turned propaganda machine "X-Play".
[edit] TechTV Offensive and G4's Counter-Offensive
In the summer of 2005, after amassing a large number of guerrilla forces, TechTV began their assault on G4 forces. They used the Web, Canadian TV, BitTorrent, and other ways to launch a full-scale assault on G4. Eventually, this paid off. TechTV occupied a small but significant portion of G4, and a few TechTV shows began returning to the airwaves on a limited basis. However, G4 still controlled the main power structures, and did everything they could to prevent a full TechTV takeover. In September, G4's leader, Charles Hirschhorn, was overthrown in a bloody coup (known as the Attack of the Attack of the Show) and replaced by Hurricane Hugo, a hard-line G4 cleric. It was originally thought that TechTV forces had assumed control, but these reports were proved erroneous (in fact, Dan Rather lost his new job at C-SPAN8 because of these erroneous reports).
[edit] Kevin Rose's Shocking Disclosure
In a desperate attempt to revive his post TechTV career, Kevin Rose decided to come clean and appear on the cover of People Magazine with the news a lot of us suspected: That he was gay and in a relationship with Lance Bass. Since nobody's seen or heard much of him since his departure from TechTV, this was welcome news to his diehard fans. However, his female fanbase has been seriously diminished.
[edit] The End of the War
In late 2005, the G4-TechTV War came to an end. Several Star Trek mercenaries joined the forces of G4 and successfully drove all TechTV forces out of G4 territory. However, TechTV forces maintain a sizeable exile presence in Nunavut and the island of Podcast.
[edit] TWIT Merges With G4
On April 1, 2007, an article on Digg posted by Leo Laporte announced a merge between the two giants, for "$1 and some stocks." Following the post, the TWIT Army knew their leader must have been brainwashed, and attacked the G4 studios. The battle rages on to this day.
[edit] Attacks of 2007
On June 26, 2007, TechTV supporters exiled in Nunavut struck for the first time in months. Many television sets displayed a message that G4 moved, causing little or no pandemonium (as no one watches anymore anyway). Poorly put together questions with bad grammar and spelling soon showed up on the channel's forum, to which the response was, "Hey, it's better than Cheaters and Cops." The situation is still under investigation.
