GNOME
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“Please, just tell people to use Windows.”
~ Bill Gates on Linux
“GNOME is the only desktop environment I'll touch”
“You can SUCK IT, BILL!”
“Can you put it in the garden?”
~ Killer Gardener on GNOME
“What a fucking copyright violation!”
~ Africa on Ubuntu
One of the simplest Unix desktops is the GNU's Not Unix Notworking Object Model Environment, or GUI No One Might Enjoy, or GNOME. GNOME enables you to use your computer while getting as little work done as possible. It was first created by duplicating Mac OS 9 with a Bizarro-ray.
The GNOME Foundation has a policy of rewriting the entire desktop from scratch every five years, thus ensuring that the software remains free of cruft and features, and at the same time giving their Bugzilla a fresh set of bugs.
Havoc Pennington, their chief anti-feature crusader, is directly responsible for the removal of nearly 47614 features, making him the world's most productive destruction engineer. Critics say that this hampers their ability to goof off during work, but he defensively claims that "it's for your own good" and occasionally mutters "we KNOW where you're going today."
In its quest to be as Mac-like as possible, GNOME started by using as much memory and CPU as Mac OS X, if not more. gnome-terminal has a fivehundredfortythree point seven seven o three four megabyte memory footprint, and even though it's only a terminal emulator, by the next GNOME release, it will have the ability to eat huge amounts of system resources within seconds, without ever returning them. This is not deemed an issue as one of the stated long-term goals of GNOME is that no user should use the shell to allow for its eventual removal.
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[edit] History
GNOME was created by the young Mexican bisexual midget, Miguel de Icaza when he was only 4 years old. The poor boy Miguel was suffering from a disease called Mono and before he died it was his wish to get into the Guinness World Book of Records by collecting the most business cards from diseased hookers.
At the time, other window managers were around, but, after an intensive period of time staring at faeces, and looking at a mexican public toilet wall, he had a dream to encourage other users to enjoy shit-coloured desktops the world over. This saved several bits of CPU usage at first, as rather than allow the user to have customised colors, the code randomly selected from 4 colorful shades of brown, light brown, brown brownson, and brownpoop dream.
As time went by, Icaza's disease became worse, making him realise the new color for the 1.0 release, after a bad night on the curry leaving him 130 kilograms lighter. Eventually, after much development, Jeff Waugh joined the team and, after several weeks, the idea and design were spat onto a paving slab and copied over to a napkin some weeks later, which became the GNOME storage engine.
However, Icaza died after removing his heart from his body as he thought it was a useless component. A young Bill o reilly found the corpse of Icaza after he had been sodomizing the door handle, and was later arrested. To this day, Icaza still has a grave in the middle of the Redmond campus toilet facilities, in which, Steve Ballmer regularly uses as arse gravel.
[edit] De-evolution
Whereas KDE policy is "If you disKover some empty spaKe, add an useless feature or somethinK very very irritatinK. The iKon must be shiny, rotatinK, and Kontain at least one K.", the GNOME policy is the opposite: "If you find a feature, it might confuse a user, so remove it." [1]
Following this policy, GNOME is the only piece of software with fewer features every release.
- The 0.1 release was a full networked-component desktop.
- The 1.0 release was a real big desktop for power users.
- The 1.5 release temporarily broke the GNOME naming convention by adopting the name "Gnome Iconz Editon."
- The 2.0 release was for average users.
- The 2.4 release is known as the "brain dead moron user" release.
- The 2.12 release is known as the "W" release
- The 2.20 release is known as the "Topaz Will Never Happen" release.
- The alpha 3.0 release, Project Topaz, will be the perfect GNOME's desktop, as it will have absolutely no features at all. It will simply use excessive amounts of system resources, and do nothing but sit there. This final version will contain only a single button. When the user pushes it, it pops up a beautifully anti-aliased text box on a white screen telling the user to use a pen and a piece of paper to do their work and to shut their computer off. As of the early alpha version, the keyboard interface and serial port are still active for debugging purposes; an HIG-compliant dialog (archived version) is also kept for testing storage. Gnome 3.0 will require 3GB of Ram and a modern graphics card with OpenGL support; the graphical debugger requires a 128-bit processor, which has not yet been invented, and a 2GB video card with optional 4-D rendering capability.
- The theta release is now scheduled for June 2098, where it will contain the ability to view pictures of richard stallman in a bathing suit with different colors of brown backgrounds.
- A leaked preview of the 4.23 release has been found here.
[edit] Acronym and Logo
Gnome stands for "GNU Networking Object Model Environment" where GNU stands for "GNU's Not Unix." Therefore GNOME could be said to stand for "GNU is Not Unix is Not Unix is Not Unix Lib To Fade Networking Object Model Environment," or "Gnunununununununununununu(and so on)NOME". Yes, the name is rather stupid, but what you would expect from a 4-year-old kid eating burritos and tacos?
A backronym of Gnome is: "Gtk Networking Object Model Environment" where Gtk stands for "Gimp Tool Kit" where Gimp stands for "GNU Image Manipulation Program" where GNU stands for "GNU's Not Unix." Therefore GNOME could be said to stand for "GNU is Not Unix is Not Unix is Not Unix Image Manipulation Program Tool Kit Networking Object Model Environment," or "GnuGnuGnuimptknome."
GNOME uses the Gimp Tool Kit because "gimp" is another word for gay BDSM bitch.
GNOME's logo is a huge footprint, but it is not clearly established whether it is a huge memory footprint or a huge disk footprint.
[edit] Goal
The ultimate GNoal for the GNOME desktop is to completely make users obsolete by eventually removing support for user input devices, instead, opting for simply allowing the user to view several pixels at random. As the founder of Gnome, Miguel de icaza says;
- I'll bury those fucking users. They are always whining saying that they want support for their languages and want new colors."
- Miguel di Icaza
This stance was influenced by the Scientologist principles de Icaza has, believing that humans originally could only see in brown and white, but eventually developed the reflexes to see the forbidden realms of color which were given to humans in buddy thetans which were expelled from L Ron Hubbard's arse, the much upheld thinking organ of scientologist principles.
[edit] GNOME human interface guidelines
The developers of GNOME have set up the following guidelines for themselves to ensure that nothing exiting happens:
- Users are stupid, keep it basic. We 1337s use the commandline anyway.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not in the looks.
[edit] Outreach to Women
After one of the GNOME lead developers saw an elusive real-life woman using a computer in a backwater bank, he concluded that as he had suspected from a portfolio of evidence gathered by watching repeats of Trisha, that women love bastards so it was the next logical step that they would love mistreatment and neglect when using their computer.
After heavily researching women on bangbus.com, GNOME developers decided to take their crack team of 3 men posing as women, and one man who had a woman in his closet. At the press conference attended by over 5 people, the lead women outreach developers, Stephanie "Fatts" McChub (AKA SuparKytuteGURL^_^ or "Brian") and Jill "creepy witch-looking twiglet" Chumbawumba (AKA SupurTempressofSecks<3<3^_LOVEXXXXxxXXX or "Frank") commented on the outreach saying:
- "Outreach is a mementous occasion, as GNOME has finally decided to outreach to us, it's women audience. Just as Denis Rader, Peter Sutcliffe and Harold Shipman all reached out to females, GNOME will too. Despite the fact they havent listened to us, we feel we're making great improvements. Why, i myself have changed the color of my desktop to light brown"
- Some ugly munters your brain makes you forget.
Their recent slogans are:
- "Brown, you ladies love it"
- "Bitches can't be choosy"
- "Brown is the new summer color."
- "Find more, innovative uses for your contact lenses!"
[edit] 10x10
Because the ultimate GNoal is still far from achievable, the gnomies has defined a sub-GNoal as a starting point, which is dubbed 10x10, which means, they need to get 10 users to try it by 2010. According to an unnamed magazine, OS X has 2.7 users on average, and Linux's share is 2.6 users. Microsoft holds the rest of market.
[edit] Maintainer requirements
GNOME has the strictest requirements of any open source software project for people wanting to become developers:
- a severe personality disorder is absolutely necessary and must be verified by a qualified physician
- all interface designers must be left-handed
- all coders must understand the beauty of long unwrapped lines and huge function names, such as gtk_window_widget_at_random_position_add(GTK_WINDOW(G_OBJECT((void*)gtk_line_editor_widget_with_label_but_without_frame_or_huge_borders_new())));
- Tourette's Syndrome is a bonus, especially for those replying to the FUCKING IDIOTS on the user's mailing list
- deep understanding of the soul of the GNOME localiser.
GNOME awards the Larry McVoy prize annually for exceptional embodiment of the spirit of GNOME.
[edit] Other Software
- Lawn Gnome Runs John Deere tractors.
- Underpants gnomes Victoria Secret's in-house accounting system.
Categories: Unix | Computers | Software | Open Source
