GPA
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“My Gee-Pee-what? Are you trying to ask me how big my cock is?”
~ Oscar Wilde on GPA's
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[edit] What is a GPA?
A GPA is a number, generally ranging from 1-4 (some exceptions exist), that represents a student's performance in a 4 year high school. It is used to gauge students' ability to read, write, and manipulate other people. Colleges love high GPA's because, according to a recent study, a student with a higher GPA is less likely to engage in interracial sex. Colleges hate grey children. Keep that in mind.
[edit] Why is it important?
Both low and high GPA's have their strenghts and weaknesses. Having a low GPA can be helpful in important tasks such as knocking up random bitches, ingesting cocaine, and dealing ADHD drugs, such as Adderall, to students that prefer a higher GPA. Students with low GPA's often report feelings of "ecstacy, never-ending orgasms, and unchannelable power." It's rumored that these feelings are just the effects of a popular snack among low-GPA'ers called Heroin, but this unreasonable allegation has yet been proved to be even slighty true.
Having a high GPA will help garner the respect of the local librarian and may grant you access to interesting areas such as a prestigious university or The White House. It should be noted that President George W. Bush had two separate GPA's, a high and a low, that allowed him to perform their respective tasks of using cocaine and attending a prestigious university at the same time. A student with a high GPA spends the majority of their afternoon visiting teachers during their "conference period" or during their lunch. During this time, the student negotiates with the teacher for a high GPA, offering all sorts of chocolates, flowers, and rimjobs in return.
[edit] How is the number formed?
Generally, a GPA will be anywhere from 1-4. In order to assign a number to a student's 4 year accomplishments, schools use this simple formula:
[(Parties attended per week)-(Failed AP U.S. History tests)](Mg of THC present in urine)(Number of times the kid that sits behind you in math pokes with his goddamn pencil and says, "Hey dude, I'm stuck on this one problem.")+(Day of the week)-(Number of bitches knocked up)
While this equation has stirred much controversy on national television shows such as Oprah, it has long proved to be a simple, but surprisingly accurate estimation that determines a student's "value," which determines which college they will be assigned to, which dictates the rest of their life.
[edit] History of the GPA
The GPA was first introduced by Jesus Christ days before he hung out with the Romans as a way to evaluate his Twelve Disciples. Interestingly enough, Judas maintained an impressive 3.9 while the other 11 disciples got drunk off of wine every night and struggled to maintain their collective 2.1 GPA.
After the GPA system spread to Greece, it was recorded by historian Bill O'Reilly that the city maintained an impressive average 4.0 GPA. Hardly believing this feat, O'Reilly insisted that Greece appear on his popular television show The O'Reilly Factory to explain itself. Turns out, the Greek empire simply had a miscommunication when they received official documentation on how to calculate their population's GPA. Greece's formula read:
(Preferred age of boy sex slave) - (8)
This discovery, which O'Reilly rubbed in Greece's face on national television, resulted in O'Reily's 12 year old nephew being raped 6 times in one week.
[edit] Asian People and the GPA System
The first thing that Asia did when introduced to the GPA system was fuck so many bititches, you guessed it, smoked mad amounts of Opium and broke down that huge fucking wall that the Mongolians built to keep the Chinese from fucking their bitches. After successfully fucking several Mongolian skanks, the Chinese, accompanied with several other Asians, decided on doing something drastic. They decided to alter their newly-received GPA equation so that Asian People would have inflated GPA's. This would prove to be a very, very bad move... sort of like Pearl Harbor.
Much like what happened with the Greeks, the U.S. discovered their little scheme. After minutes of casual deliberation, the U.S. decided to drop A-Bombs on two major cities that had average GPA's of 4.1 (which was impossible at the time, so they fucking deserved it). Asian People continued to maintain relatively high GPA's at the urge of their dictator-king-guy-whatever-they-call-it. Ever since the bombings, it has become an asian tradition to travel to America and attend a local high school, achieving the highest GPA possible without losing your virginity or becoming intoxicated. This tradition inspired China's most popular board game Life (in Asia).
