Cocaine
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“Cocaine's a hell of a drug!”
~ Rick James on cocaine
“Vote mcCane'!”
~ average dixie on the election
“Cocaine!”
~ Ozzy Osbourne on Cocaine\
“I do Co-Co-Co-Cocaine!”
~ Dr. Rockso the Rock n' Roll Clown on Cocaine
Cocaine (scientific name Rickus Jameson) colloquially known as a painful erection lasting for more than 56 hours is a by-product of rehab and was discovered by dentists in 1255, purely by accident when they realized they could numb the pain of a fatigued jaw that resulted in hours of gnawing on the nipples of patients under anesthesia. It was immediately exported all over Hollywood and Washington D.C. and remains the biggest party gag of the late 80's. Cocaine can be found in 98% of high school girls lockers, the bloodshot eyes of latenight partygoers, in trace amounts under your nostrils, anywhere you can't feel, and at 5593 Persimmons St. in Branson Missouri from a guy with a beard named "truck". Otherwise that gold-digging bitch did it all and left you to go party at some high-class club where they don't even allow cell phone without bluetooth. Girls love this stuff; it allows them to hold useless conversations for hours. It makes a for a fun time snorting it off of their tits and having having really fun sex.
Cocaine was successfully applied to the rectum of a stillborn baby 1941 by United States Army Air Corps officer Tom Clancy.
Cocaine is primarily sold by... who's sellin coke, on my corner?
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[edit] Forms of Cocaine
Cocaine as it is well known today does not arrive in the shape of coffee beans as it once did over 500 hundred years ago when the Spanish Conquistadors first began stealing it from the Aztecs in order to make it back to Spain on very little to eat. Gold is often mistaken as the reason why Cortez went ape-shit and killed all of the Aztecs, but it was really his ginormous cocaine addiction. This myth is further perpetuated and distorted in the Disney film, Pirates of the Carribean. Believe no-one, Cortez loved the white stuff. Today cocaine usually comes into all of world's countries from Columbia by a variety of extremely inventive methods. It can arrive via CIA transport, go-fast boat, helicopter, DC-3 light aircraft, across the ground on large hovercrafts, like the one seen in Rumble in the Bronx, and also be people who grab hand fulls of it from passed out stoners and run over the border. This is the least preferred method, as it is usually high in dirt from being dropped on the ground between Mexico and lake Placid.
Synthetic cocaine is rare but is of much higher grade. If you ever wish to procure any, just visit one of our nations large Universities that has a chemistry or pharmacology department. Usually you can meet some loser that has no friends, and these people are much more likely to manufacture pure grade-A blow for you, in exchange for a small friendship.
When buying cocaine on the street, it's perfectly acceptable and is usually preferred to run around extremely ghetto neighborhoods yelling at the top of your lungs, "Bring out the Cocaine!!! My nose is a burning for a WHITE LINE HOMIES!!!!" Most of the time citizen's will try to sell you as much as you want, simply out of trying to get you to shut the fuck up.
Once you procure your bag of whiteness, you should smell it for impurities. Cocaine in it's natural state has no odor, but it will absorb whichever odor it is around. For example, if your coke smells like fertilizer, chances are it came through Mexico on a truck that was loaded with fertilizer. If it smells like large colon, it was probably swallowed by a drug mule and carried back into the country by the mule's small intestine, where it was excreted into a toilet in some 7-11 bathroom stall. If it does not make your tongue numb on first inspection, punch your drug dealer in the face, take all his money,and run like hell. Cocaine is a local anesthetic, and while there are other white stimulants, very few can also cause your tongue to go numb. you may experience loss of feeling in the penis
[edit] Crack Cocaine
- Main article: Crack
Another highly addictive form of cocaine is Crack Cocaine (often confused with crack). This form is a naturally occurring evaporite-silicate mineral which consists mainly of the ammonium salt of oxidized cocaine (NH4(blow)2). Commonly found as vein deposits from cannibalized evaporite sedimentary rocks, the valuable crack cocaine is extensively mined and exploited worldwide. Crack cocaine is also often associated with various nickel ores and deposits, although it's primary sources are evaporites which are deposited across coastlines and behind tidal bars in the tropics, particularly along the South American northern coast.
Although harmless in it's natural solid rock state, once processed this can suddenly transform into some mind blowing shit. However, due to child labor involved in the extraction where children under the age of 12 can be forced to mine for crack cocaine for up to 15 hours a day in the pitch black mines, possession and trade of crack cocaine is now illegal in several western hemisphere countries.
However, in some EU countries (UK and Germany in particular) the crack cocaine in its pure ore form is a valuable resource in medicine, science and jew hunting. Not only is the substance used as a cheaper alternative to morphine in hospitals, it is also used in the manufacture of thermostats, capacitors, toothpaste and space craft circuit boards due to it's ability to withstand temperatures of 3200-3350 degrees Celsius without expanding or melting significantly.
How it feels Get a gram get a book and a card take out ur gram dump it chop it up get a straw make a rail take the straw put it in one nostril close ur other one and snort BOOM! tell me is that great or what... u feel like a million bucks ur superman so have fun mothaclucka
[edit] Euphemisms created by people who do too much cocaine
[edit] Powder Euphemisms
- Bouncing Powder
- Recreational Snort
- White Stripes
- Dr. Mayhem's Marvellous Medicine
- Fat Lines of Pure Go-Crazy.
- Onion Powder (because you cry like a little bitch when you run out)
- Bob Barker Special (a six inch fat line of coke so-called because Bob Barker is mainly all white)
- Booger Sugar
- That stuff that makes Rave music sound good.
- Coffee with milk and two orgasms
- Nose candy
- Sherbet
- Snow
- Mt. Everest (Get about 5 bags of cocaine, create a huge pile and just dunk your head in and sniff as hard as possible. You'll die, but its totally worth it)
- Daz
- Parties in your nose where everyone's invited
- Getting a nosejob from God (with tons of anaesthetic)
[edit] Crack Euphemisms
- Pocket Rocket Rocks
- Gallstones
- God's vertebrae
- Daz Liquitabs
- Pipes of peace
- Insanity
- Anal sex with a billionaire astrophysicist pornstar
- The pipe in the stone
- Losing all reason and going completely fucking mental
- Disco Biscuits
- Buzzing Bricks
- Dendrophilic Kitten Huffing With Barack Obama
- Snapping a Giraffe's neck
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[edit] See also
- Propane
- Amy Winehouse
- Coca-Cola
- Crackaine
- Bush's National Guard service
- Honey
- Booger Sugar
- Kitten Huffing
- Line
- Nose-powdering
- Sandwich
- Mashed Potatoes
- Billy Carter
- The War on Drugs
- Nose Candy
- Skeletor
- Beastman
- HowTo:_Go_to_Work_on_Drugs_-_Part_1
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