Galileo

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Galileo,galileo, Galileo galileo Galileo figaro.”

~ Freddy Mercury on Galileo

“And yet IT bloody moves!”

~ Galileo on the Pope

“He's just another one of those blasphemous bastards!”

~ The Pope on Galileo

Galileo Galilea Galaleli "Punchers" Galilei was a 17th century Roman Catholic Christian who had to straighten out the scientists of his era, who believed the Sun revolved around the Earth. Galileo pointed out their stupidity and ignorance in yet another grand triumph for religion over the gross ignorance of science. There have been many accusations that Galileo was gay. This is in fact not the case; he merely had a fascination with 'poor boys from poor families'.

Galileo is also known for flinging cannonballs, rocks, chairs, grand pianos, Roseanne Barr, and other heavy objects from the Leaning Tower of Pisa, as well as inventing a hollow tube to look at God with. However, as the Church had previously determined, he was criminally insane, and he had to be stopped before he could take over the world with his evil inventions.

[edit] Galileo's Crimes

• Hypothesized that sunlight comes from the sun, instead of from the radiant glory of Jesus Christ.
• Claimed that the Smoon actually existed.
• Repeatedly dropped heavy objects from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa without warning nearby pedestrians.
• Built an infernal contraption called a telescope, which was immediately infiltrated by a legion of light-refracting demons.
• Possessed and read from forbidden books such as Copernicus's Revolution of the Heavenly Spheres, Benjamin Franklin's The Farmer's Almanac, Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf, Plato's Love, American Style, and the Holy Bible.
• In his slanderous writings, insulted the esteemed nobleman Homer Simplicio by making him out to be a total doofus.
• After repeated complaints from church officials, theorized that, quote, "the Pope is a dick".
• Secretly practiced kitten huffing.
• Forgot to discover gravity.
• Released the 1609 hit single Rubber Bonker (although not a crime in itself it certainly should be).
• Refused to put the fucking seat down.
• Introduced Johannes Kepler to adipic acid, causing his addiction.
• Killed Abdul Alhazred in a duel over the honour of taking the nasal virginity of Oscar Wilde's clone.
• Hypothesized that tides are caused by the Earth sloshing its water around as it rotates, when, they are, in fact, caused by the water's conscious pulsating motion, which it will eventually use to propel itself to its home planet, Pheneria, found in the Andromeda galaxy.
• Was the original singer for Jefferson Airplane. As a tribute to his great sacrifice of incarceration for his crimes, they changed their named to 'Starship'... cuz', yaknow, he liked the sky n' stuff.
• Once persuaded a fleet of alligators and hippopotamuses that gravity was edible. This is why these mystic beasts are commonly seen with their gaping mouths pried open

[edit] Fate of Galileo's Immortal Soul

Upon Galileo's death by a rogue trapezoid hired by rival Isaac Newton, Pope Inconspicuous XLII condemned him to be tormented for all eternity in the nth circle of Hell, where there is searing pain, flesh-eating bacteria, and continuous reruns of I Dream of Jeanie.

Pope John Paul 2.0, however, bowing to pressure from the Vatican's powerful Congregation For Not Looking Totally Like Assholes, authorized a rescue mission in 1996. A team of Special Ops Priests entered Hell, retrieved the soul of the famous scientist and used an Ecclesiastical Catapult to send the soul up to Heaven.

Unfortunately, the catapult's targeting mechanism malfunctioned at the last second, which resulted in Galileo's immortal soul being hurled well past Heaven's entrance and clear of Earth's atmosphere. The soul was recently spotted by the Hubble Space Telescope going into lunar orbit of the planet ice-cream, and is currently a candidate for exploration by NASA's new space initiative.