Galway
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |
| Motto: Beat a tinker today | |
| County | Co. Galway |
| Population | 700 |
| Ethnic Groups | Polish, Irish, Students |
Galway is a city located in the west of Ireland. Built by a pirate in 1567, the city stands as a proof that when people work together, they get fuck all done and end up fighting and killing each other, but when a single pirate sets his mind on something, it can be done. Galway people have the distinct ability of being able to beat tinkers sensless. All Irish people do this because, let's face it: everyone would love to beat the shit out of a tinker.
“why am I seated beside that fucking fag on William St.”
~ Oscar Wilde on other Oscar Wilde
Contents |
[edit] City
Galway City is located near the Atlantic ocean, home of whales, pirates and any poor fuck that falls off the bridge near the cathedral. the city was initially a collection of ramshackle huts and sheds, built of sticks and held together with spit. The galway city of today is completely different, consisting mostly of ramshackle huts and sheds, built of discarded Buckfast bottles, mostly discarded by a guy called Alt and held together with chewing gum.It also has a hurling team that came 3rd in the Special Olympics last time. The city is home to the Claddagh Shop, the Original Claddagh Shop, the Real Original Claddagh Shop and the First Real Original Claddagh Shop.
It is thought that the former city has access to an airport/shrine known presumptuously as Knock, while the only good thing to ever come out of the medieval town was the road to Dublin, this allows people from Irelands biggest kip (excluding Cork) to visit Galway.
However there are many traditions observed in this centre of people, such as the annual Lovely Girls competition and the world renowned 'The School Around the Corner' show hosted by Gerry Ryan and Joe Duffy, world famous political figures known best for their antidisestablishmentariast stance on anti-republicanism dissociation from Irish roots, i.e. "fuck off east yuz British cunts"
[edit] The Old Jail
In Galway we pride ourselves on our vistas, our landmarks. The old Galway prison is one such landmark. The great iron doors resembled the gates of Alcatraz. The wails of prisoners pierced all through the night, where nothing did stir, not even the mice… The magistrate sought credit for his ability to commit as many people as he could. He gloried in the congratulations he received. He gained favour among his neighbours into whose pockets he put money. The people, on the other hand, were "unfortunately true to each other", and the magistrates had consequently to resort to craft to surprise them into confessions. It’s now a church. Nothing much has changed.
[edit] The Spanish Arch
As the population of students is replaced with tourists in the summer lets look at yet another great vista: the Spanish arch. Its one of the ways the Galway tourist board attracts people to Galway. All these French, cheese eating, wine drinking frogs come over all expecting to see a mini “arch du triumph,” a piece of architectural or engineering genius, just like the brochure says. They’re standing there looking up in the air and wondering where is it. Look Down. No, Further. Further. Down further. Yes, that’s it. Yes it’s not very impressive at all really. No you’re not getting you’re money back. No, I don’t care if you’re going to sue me. The damn arch is more like some sort of glorified wall that a piece of architectural greatness. Got to love screwing the tourist over! Ah well!
[edit] The University
Despite stiff competition, NUI Galway has been awarded the prestigious "Best University in Connaught" accolade for the past 160 years running. Our philosophy department has recently gone into decline only days after the illegalizing of magic mushrooms. It seems one must be high to spend ones entire career wondering whether a god can create a rock so heavy he himself cannot lift, when obviously all he had to do was call Chuck Norris.
[edit] Car Parks
Galway has many fine car parks such as the Quincentennial bridge and the city centre. Not forgetting SuperMacs.
[edit] People
Galway is full of many people. A lot of people, a high proportion of whom read the Guardian newspaper But never mind the famous boring people of galway, the most famous and loved man in galway is mick. evry single tribes man knows of this living ledgend that wonders the streets of galwyu during the day, a pint in cullinans pub in the evenig and back to rory gallagher mannor for some sleep More people than you can piss on. And that's a lot. Trust me. I've tried. Most notibly of all, it is full of little people. Most famously, the ubiquitous Knacker Dwarf (KD) aka "Seamus Bouncy", aka WeeMan. He is not a leprechaun, unfortunately. He has been abducted numerous times, and tests carried out. But as of yet, no pot of gold has been discovered. Searches are on going, and he is currently locked in my closet. Galway is also famous for being home to one of the most astounding beauties of Western Europe, known simply as Nora. She can often be seen parading her good looks up and down the streets of Galway and performing her erotic tongue trick, named "Gladys". The only thing in Galway that surpasses her beauty is the talent of the Romanian Busker who for the past decade and a half has performed a variety of Bob Dylan, Chris de Burgh and Beatles tunes in the same key, timing and manner. This style has now become world famous as Romgalbustune. But better still is the old man who plays a cardboard cut out of a guitar. People give him money. Another person living in Galway is famous for his complete and utter love of The Jimmy Cake, that man is Matty and he has long red hair which blows in the wind, not unlike most people with long hair I suppose.
Galwegian society is made up of four distinct strands
-Old People - who hate Jessica Alba
-Students - the principal export of galway is students. most of these are so-called "arts" students, so called because "arts student" is a less offensive euphamism for "drain on society".
-Hippies - Arts students who have yet to finish the mamoth task that is the BA. These people have a distinct whiff of piss due to their unhygenic lifestyle. Main hobbies include smoking pot, not washing, juggling, living off their parents money and occupying Naughtons.
-Metal Heads - Males usually touting long hair and/or beards constantly kelp soaked with beer or whiskey "just encase" Females usually incredibly sexy and usually devoid of normal female interests such as puppies, most of Boots and commercial music. Both sexes smoke an average of 160 Marlboro Reds a day because "they kill you faster then Benson but don't have as much nicotine so we aren't addicted as much", one of the most famous Metal Heads in Galway is !!!Fitz!!!, he is only but a legend but some still say that his spirit can be still seen in GPO on a Wednesday night rocking with his cock out.
Hippie/Metal Crossbreeds - Started popping up around 1583, the first sighting of which was oddly enough a 4 foot black man seen stumbling from a crypt somewhere around Barna. They can be seen praising Allah in Eyre Square in the pissing rain when everyone else is puffing fags inside the shopping center. Examples include the guy with ginger (eeewwwww) dreadlocks (ie. Gareth) at the back and the Slayer t-shirt, the guy with dreadlocks and the slipknot t-shirt the young lad with the ginger ones(jimi). They freeze to death during the winter months but are inevitably replaced by stunt doubles with a penchant for hacky sack.
[edit] Famous People
Many famous people live in Galway including Steve the dancing homeless guy and Steven Segal. Tourists can often be seen celeb hunting on the streets and attacking anyone who has a pair of giant sunglasses in case it might be Cate Blachett's runaway minge. Martin Sheen apparently attended the university for one semester, but these allegations have been denied by the US government who claim that Martin Sheen is actually a robot owned by Universal Studios for use in mediocre to good films. Martin Sheen is forty years old and is made mostly of soup tins. It is a little known fact that Steve the dancing homeless guy once played guitar for the Rolling Stones. At the time people thought he was Keith Richards, as did Steve himself, but this was later all cleared up after Steve accidentally had a shower and Mick Jagger said 'Hey that's not Keith, Keith's got more, like, two cigarettes behind his ear.' Other famous people include Michael D. Higgins who isn't really famous but everyone knows him anyway. And then there's that Steve Earle guy, who lives out by Barna. He kills chickens. I've seen him. Licking their blood off the stones outside his house. Then there's Wallace of Wallace and Grommit fame, i see him looking out his window on Middle St. all the time. And then there's Fidel Castro. He lives in a car. Outside Cuba.
Elijah woods once turned up in Cuba nightclub, only to be attacked by people trying to lick him. Woody Harrelson once took acid and slept on the couch in robot house (he had in fact licked Elijah Woods).
Damien Duff once Showed up in CPs on crutches.....there was noway he could escape all the people wanting photos.
[edit] Night life
Night life in Galway is the kind not found in any other city in Ireland with the exception of Limerick, which it is quickly catching up on. One of the most interesting spots for outdoor entertainment in Galway is Eyre square. Eyre square has been renovated at a cost of €118 billion and was money well spent, as is easy to see where the money went i.e. Rare ash trees and a very unusual type of green grass. Just off Eyre square you will find "Supermacs" founded by Ronald MacDonnald's half brother Pat McDonagh. Here you will see young knackers (tinkers that dont travel) hassel the people of galway and throwing empty bottles at moving targets called heads. This is the only spot in Galway that has an invisible barrier that seems to keep Gardai from getting within 500m to supermacs. If you have never been to Amsterdam dont worry, Check out any of the dark lanes and shop door-ways, The girls may not be as nice looking but here there is no glass and you may even be offered a free feel! Puplic urinating and drinking are both legal in this friendly part of town so beware of pint glasses left on window sills! Millenium park, home of the metal heads, hippies, skaters and taggers. another place with an invisible barrier repeling gardai within 500m. You know your there once the smell of weed and paint hits you. it also was the sight of the magic forest but our beautiful forest died over the winter months, so the teenagers of galway will be forced to smoke, drink and forinicate outside in the open this summer.
[edit] Weather
Galway has a tropical climate. The rainy season lasts for eleven and a half months of the year, with a brief tropical sun which appears for two weeks whenever there are exams to be had and study to be done. During this period, many people riot in the streets, not used to being half-blinded, but also afraid that the end of the world is coming.
[edit] Trivia
- In recorded history it has never rained frogs in Galway. Meteorologists in Ireland spend most of their working days trying to assess why this has never happened.
- Galway is one of the few remaining places in the world where an eclipse of the sun is seen as a sign of the apocalypse. And eclipse of the moon is still said to be a promising sign as 'Galwegians' tend to find the moon intimidating and "over-bearing"
[edit] Water
Water in Galway has become very scarce since the omnicient Cyptrosproidim moved into Prospect Hill. The fucker sits there all day and drinks all our water and because of his omnicence, any water he lets us have, he makes us boil it. The fucker. Recently rumors have spead that the omnicient fellow has been removed from the lonely streets of Prospect Hill and Galwegions are beginning to test these rumors by not boiling their water, as of yet there have been no casualties caused from this utter defiance of Cyptrosproidim. The people of Galway remain alert and keeping a suspicious eye out of its return.The fucker.
