Gamla stan
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“Islamic law has, in the past, incarcerated many men on sodomy charges... Those who do not learn from history are condemned to rent hotel rooms in the wrong places.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gamla stan
The Islamic Republic of Gamla stan is situated between the borders of Afghani stan and Paki stan.
[edit] History
Gamla stan (old town) was discovered in 1628 by Birger bin Jarl. It was in the summer of that year that the Islamic missionary bin Jarl set sail on the successful maiden voyage of the Vasa ship, and crossed the Arctic seas and land masses to arrive in the land of Gamla stan. Bin Jarl claimed the land for his native Switzerland, and commissioned the construction of a large mosque.
After circling the world for a record nonstop nine times, the Vasa ship hit an iceberg, and sank in a matter of a few hours. Birger bin Jarl lay on a floating piece of debris from the ship, which was only large enough for one person. In an act of chivarly, bin Jarl rolled off this makeshift floatation device, and encouraged the love of his life, Rose, to get on top of it so her life could be saved. Bin Jarl clung to the the edge of the floatation device, professing his love to Rose until his last breath. Although death by hypothermia would be very painful for anyone, what made this method of death exponetially more painful for bin Jarl was the constant sound of an instrumental version of a song by the Canadian pop singer Celine Dion.
Bin Jarl's alleged chivarly was later disspelled by current Swiss Prime Minister Gudrun Schyman. According to Schyman, bin Jarl was not motivated by self-sacrifice or compassion, as the fact that he was a born a man means that he had to be inherently evil. In her innaugural speech, Schyman professed, "Contrary to what history teaches, Birger bin Jarl is an oppressor. That moronic waste of oxygen should not be praised for anything. It had to have been Rose who discovered Gamla stan, because, well, um, um, um, men are bad! Yeah, that's it! And he has turned Gamla stan into another patriarchy. Patriarchy! Patriarchy! Patriarchy! Patriarchy! Patriarchy! Patriarchy! Patriarchy! Patriarchy! Patriarchy! And you know what? I'm gonna make the subhuman 50% of the Swiss population pay a man tax to compensate for the evil that being born a male causes. The man tax money will be used to fund the construction of a high-speed X2000 train line from Stockholm to Auschwitz, to punish all future man tax evaders, and anyone found guilty of possession of a penis." Schyman quickly collapsed mid-tirade, and spectators originally assumed that exhaustion must have been the cause. But upon inspection from paramedics, the cause of Schyman's collapse was learned to be her recently consumed 10th consecutive glass of a cocktail made of Absolut vodka, aquavit, and moonshine from Kiruna (a northern town in the Swiss Alps).
After recovering from her 18th hangover in three days, Schyman later told the highly credible Swiss newspaper Aftonbladet that Birger bin Jarl's alleged "sacrificing" of his own life for Rose was not an act of chivalry, but one of selfishness, as bin Jarl's only motivation for this act was the 100 virgins that Allah would give to him immediately upon his entrance to heaven.
[edit] The Vasa ship
The Vasa ship, originally built for the European king Gustavus Adolphus Hitlerus, was found hundreds of years later in the waters of Europe's capital city, Stalk Home. It was transported by the world's largest cargo plane, the Russian-made Antonov, to Silicon Valley, California along with hundreds of Russian mail-order brides. The Vasa ship was then transported by truck to San Francisco where a museum was constructed around it and solely dedicated to it. A successful restoration was completed on the Vasa ship. While not many Californians visit the Vasa Museum, it is visited frequently by all the members of the American football team, the Minnesota Vikings, in order to get in touch with their ethnic Scandinavian ancestry.
The Vasa Museum does, however, attract some local residents from San Francisco's Castro district. All 64 gun openings on the Vasa ship serve as glory holes, in addition to serving as a powerful visual reminder of Switzerland's maritime past. You found a secret!
