Ganondorf
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| You dare bring light to my lair? You must die! |
Contents |
[edit] Ganondorf's Beginnings
Ganondorf was born in the land of I Rule, NIGGA! in a poor ghetto where he worked at the Gerudo Dessert Factory. Originally named Sextoy Prototype T134, he was genetically engineered by a bunch of Gerudo ladies to be their pleasure toy. His name then was Cannon Dwarf, due to his small size and his large artificial cock. His name was often mis-pronounced as "Ganondorf", a cheap rip off of Gandalf even though the name Gandalf was born years later. Outraged by this and the fact he was the only male in an all female sweat shop, he changed his name to Hans Von Stickzinasz the Third, with the nickname Ganondorf.
In his young life, growing up as the only male in an all female sweat shop hurt Ganondorf's manliness and even his sanity was at stake. After learning the fine art of menstruating, Ganondorf could no longer mate and, after going PMS on her, left his future wife Nabooru. His journey for higher education continued at Hick Ranch U, from which he was expelled in his second semester for "being tender with the livestock." He then attempted to make it in the music industry with his pipe organ skills, but was rejected on account of the fact that his main rival, Link, had an ocarina that could control time. He had also perfected a little sing-and-dance ditty that blew the judges away.
Dejected and humbled, Ganondorf wandered the streets of the town market, drinking his brains out, kidnapping and sodomizing stray dogs, and huffing Poe. Criticized in his mid-age as a "homeless goth fag," he found a home in the many hearts of the people of I Rule by destroying their homes.
With the hopes of regaining his masculinity he set forth on a quest to find the legendary Triforce, which holds the power of something. After manipulating anyone he could reach, from the most fearsome and handsome musclemen to the youngest child, he reached the legendary Triforce, but it broke into 3 parts- one of which went to Ganondorf, one to the drag-prince Zelda, and the last was scattered about the land in 7 pieces. Some wise-ass sage decreed that only a true loser could find them. Ganondorf was furious that he was only given one of the pieces, the piece of manliness. Fuelled by anger and frustration, he attacked I Rule and built his own fortress over a giant pit of spicy soup (summoned by infernal saucerors) compelled to obey the mighty power of the Triforce of manliness.
[edit] Ganondorf's Rise and Fall
With his new empire built, he had only to retrieve the two other missing Triforce pieces to gain real ultimate power and to finally stop menstruating, maybe even growing his manhood back. At this time, he had a brief affair with the erotic, incestuous Wiccans Koume and Kotake, but ran away from them after they tried some drug-induced "combining" crap in an attempt to be dominant during sex.
But something he didn't expect happened. During one of Ganondorf's legendary organ recitals, a green-clad kleptomaniac lunatic, who was obsessed with collecting medals from the then popular Legend of Zelda Medal Pog Game, ran to his castle and beat him across the face with the legendary Master Stick. Despite Ganondorf taking two metric tons of steroids, he still lost the ensuing fight. The loser who stood up to Ganondorf and his rule over I Rule was known as The Hero of Sticks. His legacy spawned the ideal of a "stick in every home." Old men everywhere stored away crude wooden stabbing implements, just in case. After taking whatever pride Ganondorf had left, the hero set off in search of his schizophrenic psychiatrist, Tingle.
After being locked away at the "Realm of Corruption", commonly known as Disney World, Ganondorf eventually broke free and returned to the red light district at Zora's Cavern. More aggressive than ever, he stole some hubcaps and returned to his pimping ways. He tried yet again to take over I Rule, but he was later stopped by the SAOS (Sticks Are Our Saviors), made by the Hero of Sticks, who was none other than that upstart with the ocarina, Link. Time in Queers Only Institution could not contain Ganondorf, as he broke free and gave up his Lv. 50 magic skills to be able to dual wield katanas. Link whacked him in the head with his stick again and sent Ganondorf into a coma for a good, long while.
After recovering from his injury, he began to collaborate with supervillain troupe Team Magma. He devised a plan to dry up the seas and increase the world's landmass by producing and then dumping extra-absorbent granny panties into the water. The only problem was that he only had enough money to make one giant pair of panties and was forced to manually dry them out each time. With his industrial strength hairdryer powered by the Triforce of manliness, his plan was almost successful.
He was finally stopped by Link, Tingle, and a trannie pirate. They tag teamed Ganondorf and shined a flashlight in his eye until it was really red and sore. He ran off a ledge while blinded. Ganondorf's whereabouts are now unknown, but it is assumed he is located somewhere in the vicinity of Kokiri Forest eating mysterious mushrooms and letting the Skull Kid stroke his beard.
As of his latest game, Twilight Princess, he was stabbed in the chest but there was no blood (to keep the T rating). He is expected to be revived in approximately 599 US days. Some little known trivia about the game Twilight Princess is that the titular "princess" is none other than Ganondorf himself. This is why he wears a bonnet with his hair in cornrolls in the game.
[edit] Abilities
Ganondorf is a beast at the pipe organ. In addition, he has some skill as a tattoo artist, though his only known piece of art is three connected glowing triangles, which he drew with crayon on the left hand of himself, Link, and some drag-queen he got drunk with once in high school.
Ganondorf trained under the Grand Master Capt. Falcon for many years, and from him learned some of his moves. Ganondorf has such powerful moves as the flaming Hug of Death, stepping on people, and a flaming chokehold of death that burns the victim. He does not use a sword but pulses dark energy through one to taunt his victims.
Ganondorf can also hover and spin at the same time. Nobody knows why he does this while expressing his manliness, but a group of theorists believe it is some sort of mating call. All of the theorists were immediately seduced.
[edit] Other Facts
- Ganondorf has accused Link of hacking on multiple occasions.
- Ganondorf stuffs straw in his crotch. His breasts are natural.
- Ganondorf and Abraham Lincoln shared same hats, but in two different colours. They have never been able to agree on the issue of slavery.
- Ganondorf pursued tennis and ping pong as a youth, despite his awful ability at returning anything hit to him.
- Ganondorf's suffers from ALS (Angry Laugh Syndrome). When he's laughing, he's actually very sad.
- Ganondorf can play the organ at a level of 80 OTPS (Ominous Tunes Per Second).
- Ganondorf is Captain Falcon's slow evil twin, but he repeatedly denies it.
- Ganondorf has a huge ass sword, but never wields it. Some say because he's not strong enough, but the recent truth about it is that he is reluctant to wield it on account of the fact that he never got the grip checked, because there's a fearsome venomous Skulltula hiding on the hilt. Even the manliest of men fears icky poisonous spiders.
- Ganondorf has a few speech problems, consisting of 'DIE', 'NO!!" and 'Your Face'.
- Ganondorf is actually two feet taller than people that think he is 2 feet shorter than he really is.
- Ganondorf is actually Your mom.
- Ganondorf also likes to beat on women, posses women's bodies or trap them in a flying diamond. He is also a fan of Sean Connery.
Number of times Link has defeated Ganondorf since you started reading this article:
    
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[edit] "Gannon Banned"
This term came into use when Ganondorf caught some chick saying his name with an extra "n". His fury was so great that he took a rubber band, stretched it under the woman's legs and over the top of her head, and let go, slicing her in half. Hence "Gannon Banned". No one ever said his name wrong again.
In 1997, Congress passed a law dictating that all parents must, at some point or other, scare their kids shitless with the "Gannon Banned" story, preferably right before they go to bed. This was enacted to promote public awareness and keep the minorities in line.
[edit] Hottest man alive
Ganondorf is known to be one of the hottest men alive (or presumed alive) due to his exotic green complexion and deep-voiced laugh. He was voted number 4 on the list of the world's hottest men, just below Jean Luc Picard, Johnny Depp, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ganondorf is not to be confused with his 2nd cousin Ganondork- widely known to be the fourth sweatiest man alive. Nor is he to be confused with his fourth cousin twice removed by the name of Jiffenshnogger-widely known for being the hairiest cross-dresser ever to lose his hand to a blender. Or Ganonloaf, a widely-popular type of bread with a tangy crunch.
[edit] Ganon Sez
- "You DARE bring LIGHT to my lair? YOU MUST DIE!"
"YOU WIll DIE!!" - Ganon in a friendly mood.
- "I actually enjoy light. If you look at some of my earlier work, you'll see I'm actually well acquainted with my light abilities. ... NO, that doesn't make me a hypocrit! Sometimes I get in my light & not-light moods."
- "Who cares if I shot her with the lightning RIGHT after she brought the light? Ever heard of mood swings?"
- "Geez... *Sips coffee* Jackass... >.>"
- "I like my women the way I like my eggs... broken, stripped of their outer shells, and spread out across a delicious English muffin."
- "I don't get this whole thing with the rupees. If I can't kill it or burn it, what's the point?"
- "I don't fear intimacy... I just don't like people hugging me, you know?"
- "You know, yesterday I was thinking, and...Well, I don't really know why my skin is green."
- "This is bullshit! Link gets to be a wolf while I'm still stuck with being a pig?! What gives?!"
- "OOOAAAAAAAAAaaah!"
- "Man, that picture on the right is sexy. They took it at the right time. If you don't agree, YOU WILL DIE."
- "Why is that kid dressed up like a Keebler Elf?"
- "I woke up this morning with a decapitated horse's head laying next to me in bed. It could've used more seasoning."
- "Sometimes I cut yourself just so I can feel something."
- "Join me Link and I will make your face the greatest in Koridai, or else you will DIE!"
- "I believe necrophilia is a disgusting and demented practice. That's why I engage in it daily."
- "Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
- "Remember boys and girls, don't take lives so seriously."
- "Join me, Giant enemy crab, and I will make you face the greatest in Koridai!"
- "Why didn't I touch the Triforce when I asked for my wish? Stupid monarchs with their stupid timing..."
- "NO! CURSE YOU SAGES!!!"
- "HA! I deflected your blast! That's time number 2! Let's see if you can hit it again!"
- "CURSE YOU ZELDA!!!"
- "CURSE YOU DORA!!!"
- "CURSE YOU RED LINKS THAT DON'T WORK!!!"
- "I HATE SPAGHETTI"
- "You are my prisoner. SILENCE! Keep the runt in chains."
- "Look, I don't like Link. that little upstart really teed me off when he SEALED ME FOREVER IN THE TEMPLE OF TIME."
- "HOLY CRAP IT'S A BANANA!!!!
- "HOLY CRAP IT'S A BANANAPHONE!!!
- "Ganondorf PUNCH!!!"
- "Let's pray there's a cubicle free...and some toilet paper."
- "Why buy a cape when u can have a rug on your back?"
- "Come Ganny... we have hungry mouths to feed..."
- "When I get depressed I eat!"
- "I don't visit Sparta anymore ever since I got kicked into a giant pit. IT BURRRRNED!"
- "I may not look it, but I got MAD skillz when it comes to rapping. Check out some of my beats, son."
- "What's with that genie dude stealin' all my lines? HE'S the one that must DIIIE".
- "Yeah, me & Bowser go way back. We went to school together until college! We had a little disagreement when I said I wanted to grow up to be a plumber. That pissed him off. But he said he wanted to die his little Mohawk blonde & be an elf! We became friends again after we decided we both liked blonde (recently brunette) princesses with pink dresses & boyfriends that look/speak very strangely."
[edit] Battle of the Century (Until Ash vs. Marvel Zombies)
Recently, it was announced that Ganondorf and his most annoying rival, Sephiroth would be squaring off once Ganondorf "gets his trick knee fixed." This contest to decide who is the manliest villain is sure to be amazing! Fans of both super-villains have been frothing at the mouth since this announcement. Fight analysts have been quoted as saying, "Who gives a fuck." Fortunately, this has not stopped would-be analysts from hypothesizing who would be the victor in this machismo clash of titans. They have constructed a list of the pluses and minuses of each character in a handy form:
- PERSONALITY
Ganon: Arrogant prick.
Sephiroth: Smug bastard.
WINNER: Ganon
- POWERS
Ganon: Has the Triforce of manliness, making him immortal, but unable to conquer the world (for very long).
Sephiroth: Has a huge sword and the ability to destroy the earth.
WINNER: Sephiroth
- RESILIENCY
Ganon: Can resurrect himself, when he gets around to it.. I think he waits and hopes the hero's dead...
Sephiroth: Has to get emo kids to do it.
WINNER: Ganon
- BAD-ASSERY
Ganon: Only bothers with swords after a punch to the head doesn't kill.
Sephiroth: Stabbed a flower salesman in the back while she was kneeling.
WINNER: Ganon
- COMPETENCE
Ganon: Ruled an entire world, kingdom.. thing.. for a whole 7 yrs, took the royal castle and turned it into his personnel floating mansion, complete with lava lake underneath
Sephiroth: Tried to blow up the world or something.
WINNER: Ganon
- EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES
Ganon: Flooding the world.. somehow.. giving Link weapons slowly, and painfully, one at a time, with hours of side quests in between.. talk about pure evil.. catching chickens to save hyrule.. a hero's job sucks man
Sephiroth: Enjoys long murders on the beach. In a speedo.
WINNER: Sephiroth
- FASHION
Ganon: Knows how to dress for a lady.
Sephiroth: Knows how to dress like a lady.
WINNER: Sephiroth ... Don't judge me.
- MUSICAL SKILLS
Ganon: Can play the pipe organ with an orchestral flair, can play the violin, has some skills with the kazoo.
Sephiroth: Can play bass/acoustic guitar. Once played in a band.
WINNER: Sephiroth... only 'cause nobody has any taste these days.
- FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
Ganon: Him and Nabooru used to be an item, but she turned traitorous. So he turned her into a statue, now she is nothing to him.. or so he says.. (search for return of Ganondorf on Youtube for this one)
Sephiroth: Has an annoying tendency to slice up or stab other people's romantic interests and leave them for dead.
WINNER: Ganon
- ABILITY TO EAT SPAGHETTI
Ganon: Hates the stuff
Sephiroth: Never tried it
WINNER: Ganon! come on, he's constantly coming back to life, has the triforce of manliness, and is the only man in like 1000 years in Gerudo land.. know what i mean, the ONLY MAN?.. ya, you do.. HEH..HEH..HEH..
- KILLS
Ganon: Some ghostly dude that has a mask but no face.
Sephiroth: A girl
WINNER: Sephiroth. C'mon it cant get more bad ass then that.
[edit] Ganondorf in Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Another topic of much debate is if Ganondorf will show up in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Most people's answer to that question is "nigga plz" but others have their doubts. Fortunately, it has been revealed that Ganondorf will be a playable character in Brawl and for the very first time players will have total control over every aspect of his body, including the reproductive system and toe and hair growth. Nintendo has considered releasing a DS spin-off called "Totally Ganny." This game is expected to hit store shelves in early 2008. However, knowing Nintendo, it will more likely be 2038 if we're lucky. But it'll be totally worth it, cause as the almighty Shiggy-giggity Miyamoto said, "a bad game is bad forever, but a delayed game is eventually good" to that I say bull. You were just to busy playing the demo of Totally Ganny. You think just because you made the series you get special privileges? Oh, wait..
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - The Adventure of Link - Blink-182 is Passé - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages - The Wind Waker - Four Swords Adventure - The Midget's Cap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass |
| Why, God? Why?: | The Wand of Gamelon The Faces of Evil |
| Characters: | Link - Ganondorf - Zelda - Tingle - Vaati - That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda - Sheik - Liz |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupee |
