Gary Dicker
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“ Gary is a good guy.”
~ Dustin lovell on a zombie on Gary Dicker
Gary Dicker was born in Dublin to Pakistani parents on 1st April 1985. He originally trained to be a sailor before switching careers and signing to play football with UCD.
Gary is a versatile player who can play either in centre midfield or on the bench as a back up centre midfielder but his best position is as number eight in a team otherwise made up of ten Tony McDonnells.
[edit] Special move
Gary’s special move is to hold posession, normally by spinning fast enough to confuse his opponents. As well as being his special move, this is Gary’s only move. For this reason he is often likened to the Pokemon Metapod. Metapod has only one move, to defensively harden. It has no attack and rarely moves from a given location. Indeed, the only recorded battle between two Metapods lasted for several hours while both Metapods hardened at each other without causing any damage to their opponent.
Similarly, Dr. Smarticus, STIG’s resident scientician, has theorised that if Gary Dicker were ever to play against himself in a game of football, the play would consist of the Gary which tipped off holding possession for 45 minutes by spinning on the centre spot, to be replaced in the second half by the other Gary.
The only reason a Poke-Master might hold on to a Metapod is because it eventually evolves into the much more useful Butterfree. Dicker is kept in employment for much the same reason. While he has remained ‘not the finished article’ for several seasons now. It was hoped that at some point Gary would evolve into a player which understands the concept of attack as well as defence but he has since been lured to the Dark Side by the sweet, mellifluous poetry of Patrick Kavenagh.
[edit] Off the pitch
Away from the pitch Gary is a successful fake tan salesman and model. His sponsorship deal with Chartbusters is rumoured to be amongst the biggest in Irish sport and has lead to a large increase in their Stand Up Tanning service. Suggestions that most of these increased sales came from Gary himself spending his sponsorship money supporting a tanning addiction have never been proven. Similarly, suspicions that Gary was the source of a recent Tanorexia outbreak in Belfield have been strongly denied.
Scienticians, including Dr. Smarticus, have theorised that, if harnessed, Gary’s ‘healthy glow’ could provide enough power to meet 25% of Ireland's energy needs. However, Gary has made clear that his football career should come first and for, the time being, scienticians will have to be satisfied with the saving in floodlight usage achieved whenever he plays.
