Gary Numan
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- This article is about Gary Numan, which has nothing to do with Nu Math.
“When he smiles, he looks like Bugs Bunny.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gary Numan
“His mum probably would've said the same thing about me the other night if the lights weren't off. Get it? I certainly did!”
~ Gary Numan on Oscar Wilde
Gary Numan (Real name Gary Anthony Bartimaeus James Webb on March 8, 1958) is a legendary singer, songwriter, Machman, and mainstreamed Nu metal.
Contents |
[edit] The Complete and Fully Accurate History of Gary Numan
[edit] 1970s
In 1979 Numan began research in the science of dystopia and developed the now common sound virus the Pleasure Principle which infected millions of impressionable young people during the last part of the twentieth century. Unfortunately the Pleasure Principle was met with much controversy, particularly from Goblin Pirate King David Bowie who sensed a threat to his global dominance in the field of plaguarism. During a rally conducted by Bowie in which Numan was attending, Bowie spotted and promptly ejaculated on Numan, mesmerised him and went so far as to confine him to a Chevy Corvette. With all the doors locked, it appeared as though this was the only way for him to live. Numan later claims that during his confinement he could "only receive", whatever that means. I guess he only stayed stable for a few days, before the "image broke down" and he escaped or something? I don't know, this is what he told me and an old hotel bellboy, admitting in floods of tears that Leo Sayer still hunted him like a cat hunting a sparrow with one working wing.
LOL, what?
[edit] 1980s
During his time locked in his Corvette, Numan began to replace his dying organs with car parts. When he finally emerged, Gary James Webb Adam Clemency Glitter had been reborn as the legendary Machman, Gary Numan. It was during this time Gary Numan was at his coolest, though he remains to this day at a level of 'pretty freakin cool'.
After recording an album's worth of punky demos that The Jam didn't want, he was signed by Metropolis Records and quickly released two singles, neither of which charted or mattered. Angered by his failure, he began to engineer the Tubeway Army. Most of the original machines Numan constructed were known as Bombers. He is well known for combining Machine + Soul, and producing the Rape Machine. The acts that these machines would perform were unbelievable, and were often performed in parks and could be clearly seen from the restaurants such as Zom Zom's and Wendy'sFineSlithers. While Numan produced many machines there exists an even greater number of replicas of his work, such as the Reznor and Ultravox.
In 1984 Gary Numan went berserk over the chart placement of his previous Rob Halford tribute album Warriors and decided to drastically change his look. Dying his hair blue, and bathing in white paint every morning Numan traveled around the world systematically stealing elementary school children's lunch money to help operate his struggling car dealership located in Iceland. Or so it was thought. When it was announced that Numan was to pilot his own spacecraft on a journey to the planet Venus where he planned to remain, it was apparent where all his money had been invested. Thousands of Numanoids swamped the Spaceport and waved a teary farewell to their leader, but little did they know his return to earth would begin soon after setting down upon the surface of Venus. Numan was shocked to find he could not go about unnoticed ; his sound was more popular on Venus than on Earth. The local Venusians asked questions such as "Is the paint still peeling off of the walls of your home on earth Mr.Numan?" and "Do they still crawl out of their holes for you?" Numan returned to earth after just a few weeks, and returned to a population that asked of him "Who are you?"
It was during this time Numan discovered 2% of his genetic makeup derived from that of Stalin. He set out to travel back in time to kill Stalin, however when he did this he really created a second dimension like in Dragon Ball Z where his interference resulted in the Perfect Cell story arc that consisted of 27 episodes of grunting and woop shooping, but was only half as long as the Freiza story arc but somehow equally unbearable. Eventually Gary Numan cut his hair and returned to his dimension where he ignored the fact that Stalin was already dead by this time and killed him anyways. The final result was Gary Numan's body rejecting Stalin's genes, which unfortunately were located entirely in his scalp causing 20% of his hair to immediately fall out. Some theorize that this entire story never really happened, and the hair dye he used caused him to go on an acid trip and shed hair frantically, whatever I have the funimation dub on DVD anyways.
Numan soon filed for an autopsy, or was it a bankruptcy, quoting "L-o-l-o-l i live in my car, in cars da dum tee dum, da dum tee dum."
[edit] 1990s
By 1992, Gary was balding, had amassed a collection of 9 Prince albums, and had a slew of music critics making fun of his dorky leather jackets, before filing bankruptcy for the 4th time. It was at this point he met his future wife, Gemma Craven - former Frazer Hines floozie, who went into detail about how horrible his recent music had become. Gary, realizing he'd been acting a wanker, sat down and decided to write a new album full of songs about how much God sucks. A few years later, he wrote another album about angels giving Jesus' mother Mary the "how's your father". Both albums became instant hits with goth teenagers whose goth parents listened to Numan's older work years ago. This resulted in Gary's second new dimension, where in teenager actually get along with their parents and eat dinner at the kitchen table. Also governor Jennifer Granholm of Michigan is president and 9/11 never happened until the 12th, a lot people still died and plenty of lulzy memes were made.
Eventually Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor praised Gary, and as a result, dozens of nobody techno artists remixed his older songs.. the results were released by Buggers Bumfest as Rancid 1-20, a not so limited set of 10x12" singles pressed on dull grey vinyl although previously unheard of bright pink pressings have recently turned up on eBay. The mixes were later compiled onto a single cd: Rancid 2.0 which came housed in a special sleeve made out of genuine 1980 tracing paper bog-roll. Gary spent the rest of the decade as "DiseedRelgnLuve88" on AOL message boards quoting "who the fuck uses AOL message boards?"
All in all, Numan agrees the 90s pretty much sucked for everybody.
[edit] 2000s
At the turn of the millenium, Numan shocked fans again by making a new album about how much God sucks. He toured Europe for the album, and decided it would be best to release 5 live albums commemorating the event, giving them the titles "Living Ornaments '01", "Living Ornaments '02", "Living Ornaments '02 1/2", "Living Ornaments '03", and "Living Ornaments '03-'04."
At some point in between the live albums, an up-and-coming Scottish rock star/lumberjack Rico met Numan while chopping trees, deciding to make a single. Their single shot to #4 on the charts after Numan hacked the UK Charts, cleverly being modest enough to give himself #4, so no one would suspect.
In 2003, Gary was plotting to make an extended version of his album when a fan Instant Messaged him and told him he was greedy. As a result, he had a mental breakdown and rampaged through EBay auctions featuring bootleg Numan material, getting his wife pregnant in the process. His fans soon began a rampage of their own while he slid into seclusion. In 2006, he finally re-emerged from a dark place (see left) with a new album, "Jaded" featuring one new song & several different versions of it. Again, the lyrics were about how horrible God is, but now with a verse or two about how his fans have mentally scarred him. Following the release, he had another successful European tour,undoubtedly to be put on CD as "Living Ornaments '06" along with an extended version of his latest album, by Christmastime 2006.
On January 12th Gary bought an Xbox 360 and a copy of Gears of War. He regularly plays online and is a chainsaw whore and will fag tag you if he gets any grenades, even the smoke ones. I've also seen him use the shotgun from 50 feet away and drop the hammer of dawn on himself. He'll always choose General RAAM as his character and will leave games if he gets stuck as a COG.
[edit] Personal life
Numan married his own fan belt. In 2003, he kidnapped and consumed his first super powered child, Raven of the Teen Titans. In 2005 he bought himself a copy of Prince of Persia. In 2007, he became a devoted fan of the Oklahoma based Echo Moon string band.
Numan is also known for his love of flying, and has built several aircraft, in one of which he famously crashed into a passenger. This came shortly after successfully attempting a round-the-world with his yo-yo, during which he was briefly loved and received praise and showers of wonderful gifts from India and was never accused of spying, ever.
As an amusing footnote, Gary Numan is 13 ways cooler than Gary Coleman, due to his regular guest appearances in the shortlived Coleman/Mr T sitcom "Suck This Sucker!" He is, however, only 1/16th as cool as Gary Oldman. Goths are cooler than salad dressing, I guess that means he's cooler than Paul Newman. Gary Numan is also known as 'Mistasax' and previously ran for President of the East Sussex County Council, despite still owing council tax on his recording shed.
[edit] Known Superpowers
For whatever reason, Gary Numan has acquired various Super Powers, some of which he may not possess, most of which he does not have the legal right to have. They are as follows:
- Emerging eerily at unexpected times
- Walking with shadows
- Randomly disconnecting users from the Internet
- Incredible ability to perform World Tours with 1 night in Belgium
- Conversation
- Randomly resets synth pre-sets but that's okay as he invented synths anyway
- Can smack up Keith Chegwin but not Maggie Philbin
- Smuggling watches
- Shooting that black lightning stuff that like, grabs things like rocks and smashes them.
- Playing the guitar (limited to only one chord)
- Playing the keyboard (limited to only one key)
- Playing the piano (just kidding)
- Stopping time
- Creating Tour merchandise while on the shitter
- Gniggolb
- Stealing Kashmir (Rage Against The Machine is also said to have this power)
- Super Speed (presumably "mach" speed)
- Being able to make vending machines accept pennies
- Can smack up Rick & Paul but scared of Bruce Foxton
- Licking (limited to AOL Chat rooms)
- Criticizing Organized Religion at superhuman volumes in multiple media outlets simultaneously.
- Eating Children
- Getting Emma pregnant again (limited to 2 children, oh wait he's having a third, fucking hell)
- Being able to change traffic lights green by staring at them
- Admits Wiggy is the dogs gonads and keeps the supposedly discarded letter in a tiny pouch attached to his Prince Albert.
- Acting with reason and heart. Your heart.
- Calling out the dogs
- Treading carefully
- Assassination (limited to video games, remember he fucked up that Stalin thing pretty bad)
- Ruining your fun on Xbox Live
- Kicking Brian Johnson's ass at street racing, 5.0 Brian? Try a 1754hp Formula fuck you to the face bitch!
- Can spontaneously sprout indestructible bri-nylon tentacles from his scalp.
In contrast, he also displays an inability to breathe, and an inability to stop.
[edit] Singles
- Jo The Investment Banker (with Tubeway Army) (1978)
- Being Fragile (1797)
- I Dye : No Grey (1980)
- The Machinist (1981)
- That's It - I'm Leaving (1981)
- That's It - I'm Back (1982)
- Crashing planes (Southapton & India)
- No More Cars (Feat. Robert Goulet on cowbell) (1985)
- This Anger (Feat. Tessa Niles) (1988)
- My New Religion Lie (1989)
- Purple Rain (Feat. Kipper & Don Estelle) (1990)
- My New Religion Lie Extended (1990)
- Diseased Jesus (1994)
- Diseased Jesus Extended (1994)
- Diseased Jesus Crucifix Mix (1995)
- Shadows Haunting (1998)
- Shadows Haunting Extended (1998)
- Diseased Jesus You Can't Hammer The Last Nail in Rick Mix (2000)
- God Cries (2006)
- Wake Up! I'm Haunted by Kashmir (2006)
- Life Is Dull (feat. James Blunt) (2007)
- Buy This You Cunts (2007)
- Diseased Jesus Crucifix Mix Extended (2008)
- So Very, Very Tired (2019)
[edit] Albums
- Numanicus Roboticus {2078) The Centenial Collection
- This Is Gary Numan (2010) (incl.the tracks This Is Love, This Desease, This Wreckage, This Is Emotion, This Is My House, This Prison Moon, This Is New Love, This Is Dominion Day, etc.)
Machine + Soul not listed because even Gary Numan admits it's total shit.
