Gastronomy
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“Gastronomy is the only science that went from discovery to decadence without academic study in between.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Food
“Hunting is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth eating can be caught.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lunch
“That's one small burp for man, one.. giant eat for mankind.”
~ Neil Armstrong on Gastronomy
Gastronomy is the "science" of searching the heavens for large, interstellar breakfast cakes, with the intention of providing food for a starving solar systemic population. Currently the field has not found any near enough to travel to using conventional hyperdrive, so scientists (as they call themselves) in the field have settled for locating clusters of stars that look like griddle cakes. This has the very useful purpose, they claim, of stimulating ones appetite.
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[edit] Discoveries
Gastronomers spend time locating interesting kinds of dairy products in the Milky Way. In 1928, famed gastrographer Mortus Milpop discovered an entire slice of black whole milk. He was quoted as saying, "It stunk to high heaven." The most coveted moment for amateur scope builders is "First lite," the first sighting of skim milk though their bung job.
[edit] Flak
In recent times, gastronomers have taken heat for their field. Detractors claim that not only have gastronomers failed in their stated goal to bring home one Avogadro (1 avocado / person / week), they have also sown moral indignity among the natively grown populations. The detractors subsequently caught the gastronomers in their detractor beam. The gastronomers shot back that those are fictional.
Currently, frequency of telescope parties has grown to alarming levels. Politicians have denounced these parties (where teenagers acquire smelloscopes and pretend what they are seeing is actual food) for their tendency to cause scope in the craw disease, ultimately fatal. Some of these politicians later nounced the parties after finding out how fun they are.
[edit] Constellations
Originated as mana, discovered as a form of sustenance by hungry primates. Stars arranged in the fashion of food open up a con stall, where suckers can buy all forms of ham, meatloaf, and hot dog. These however, as the name suggests, are both ephemeral and overpriced food sources, and no substitute for even two Monsantos.
[edit] Intergalactic dinner rules
- Never reach through a star system to get the potatoes.
- Elbows off the supercluster.
- No discussion of religion, vastness, or the omega point.
- When feeling the need to blast gamma radiation, always go to the black hole.
- Never draw in your food until another star does.
- Diplomatically amend the above rule so everyone can eat before heat death.
- Kill any humans at table.
- If dramatic music begins, tape the captain's mouth shut.
- The harmony of the spheres must cease during tea.
- Clean your galaxy of any remaining crumbs.
[edit] The stars' view
The stars are less pleased with the situation, and have formulated a series of doctrines as to when and how humans may harvest stellar material. Some are less agreeable to this and want to keep their hot gases all to themselves, forming a resistance group in the Horse-Hoof (MK47) nebula. This is top priority for Earth's government, as if the stars get the black holes involved, it could mean the end of the age of gastronomy and a return to the dark ages of agriculture.
[edit] Galactose intolerance
Sadly, the plentiful fusion proteins supplied by this rich resource in the sky are powerless to help some Earthlings, the galactose intolerant. Symptoms of consuming gastronomic matter include diarrhea, stomach cramps, vomiting, and instantaneous combustion from the extreme heat of gastronomic food. There is nothing to be done for this segment of people, comprising 80% of the human population. The result is to be seen everywhere: war, disease, and third-worldly countries.
