Gay marriage
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Gay marriage is what some of us would call “a social issue” many more would ditch the euphemism and call it “a biblical abomination of biblical proportions!”; others still would call it pointless as in Iran there is so obviously no such thing as homosexuality.
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[edit] Word Choice
Before we get down to the business of determining wither or not sodomisers and ugly women should be allowed to say “I do” (at separate venues of course, unless your in Kansas) we must first decide on the correct terminology.
We have already seen ‘it’ described as a “social issue”. But, commonly, this was decided against largely for reasons of euphony. Imagine having to say over dinner “will you have a social issue with me?”. To the couple at the table next to yours, it may sound like you are trying to orchestrate yet another episode of Jeremy Kyle (or other regional talk-show variations such as Oprah Winfrey or Talk Osama) which may lead to social tensions and riots.
For no other reason than sheer pedantcy the terms “gay-marriage” and “homosexual-marriage” have been tossed out by the nation’s great thinkers. They say that these names are technically incorrect as the sexual orientations of the partners do not determine the nature of the marriage (for example a homosexual man married to a homosexual woman could not be considered a same-sex marriage).
The term equal marriage is used to show that within a "homosexual marriage" both partners are equal. Though this idea has been rejected by conservatives, as it is considered to be a mockery of heterosexual marriage where the woman is always subservient to the man. It is impossible for a same-sex marriage to be completely equal anyway as they can’t both wear the dress. As a side note feminists have also tried to adopt this term when considering biblical marriage. However Christians applied the same logic and have denounced these freedom mongers as trying to destroy the sanctity of God's "voluntary" prison (voluntary only by law, the un-written rule is that you find a husband you like or are married off to the highest bidder at 24).
The simple term “marriage” is the one that most frightens the traditional values people as it is trying to destroy marriage. How it is destroying marriage as of yet is unclear but some would draw a parallel between same-sex marriage and the churches, registry offices and wives that were destroyed by hurricane Katrina.
So from now on in this article we shall refer to same-sex unions as “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions” (so as we don’t tred on anybodies toes).
[edit] Controversy
Unlike with religious controversy, the controversy over “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions” runs deeper than simply the name. Almost everyone from militant homosexualists to those pedantic grammar Nazis have found something wrong with “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions”.
[edit] Social arguments against “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions”
"Well it’s just distgustin’ aint it?" is quite a popular secular argument against “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions”, however it is ultimately fallacious as it’s not ‘’just’’ disgusting but immoral as well. It is immoral because it makes other people feel sick when they think about it – and they can’t control their thoughts so it’s just not right!
One of the secular arguments is the argument from tradition, and that the basic family unit consists of: a man, whom will bring home the bacon; a woman, whom will cook the bacon; naturally conceived children, whom shall eat the bacon and the Negro whom lives under the stairs and is available to beat with an iron rod when he fails to scrub the word “Fascists” off the front door quickly enough. However, some people say, this argument is easily refuted by the fact that “traditionally” the sky has always been blue but is now turning a dirty shade of grey. Of course the family unit is something to be treasured. Sporadic beatings, rapes, murders and other, private, Domestic crimes are the foundation for all civilised western countries, without those people may vent their rage on just anybody and the society would collapse!
“If gays are aloud to “marry” and raise children how will the children know where babies come from?” is a very potent question posed, again, by tradition/family values groups. Some people would argue that this means we should improve sex-education even though it has been proven that abstinence is the best course of action for all involved. But being raised by homosexuals may give the child the idea that they were born out back. Imagine growing up thinking that you were born of an anus! The mental scarring would be too much for most children and they would probably start brining guns to school and firing on anyone that called them a “little shit” (“I aint little!” they may cry as they pull the trigger). Thus homosexual “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions” increases gun crime.
Paedophiles, too, tend to hate the idea of “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions” as when two members of the same sex try to procreate (as they are known to do) it is doomed to failure and thus there is less variety of candy for paedophiles. And let’s be fair, paedos hand out their fair share of candy. Gay people are in clear violation of the laws of the karmic circle.
[edit] Religions arguments against “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions”
“I've been told that the bible tells me so”. Many of the illiterate, deep-southern Christians say that, because the inherent word of God tells them that homosexuality is an abomination they cannot be allowed to have “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions” as they may have sea food buffets at them! The reasoning is that all gays would get the not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either union on those satanic cruises and sea food would be easier and more convenient.
Anti-Quakers (a breakaway cult from the Quakers) on the other hand don't care about religious texts but they simply cannot tolerate the possibility that not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions could cause earthquakes. “Look.” They say “the San Andreas Fault is perilously unsteady as it is, strongly intimate gay sex could only make matters worse!”
Despite all the evidence Hindus don’t even recognise the true existence of homosexuals! So only in the strictest of senses are they against not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions; Hindus believe that all sinners are simply a figment of their imaginations and so when asked what they think of the proposal they simply shrug nonchalantly and wonder out-loud “What will I think of next?”
For most Iranian Moslems not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions aren’t a problem since Queer studies professor Ahmadinejad (and supreme ruler of Iran) concluded at a press conference that there was no such thing as homosexuality. It is admittedly an amusing take on things as Christians for years have been saying it’s a sin but now Moslems are saying it’s not even real, gay sex is impossible and mutual masturbation doesn’t make you gay! (It actually makes you blind but that’s a different story).
[edit] Homosexualists and “The Nation of Homos” arguments against “not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions”
The Nation of Homos are, similarly to everyone else, against not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions but are so for very different reasons.
Like with the Nation of Islam wanted black/white seperation in the 60’s black civil rights movement the nation of homos want complete separation of straights and gays. Some radical cells even wish to “lyke todally” kill all the straight people and take the world for themselves. The thought process behind the idea may not be too silly if you look at what new technology can do. Vaginal sex has become obsolete since in vitro fertilisation was invented and The Nation of Homos intends to exploit this fact to the fullest extent creating breeding factories and child-care warehouses. The reason? Well it leaves more time for clubbing; touring around “Frisco” or Canal Street (or, in Iran, a nonexistent place filled with nonexistent people) and picking up random strangers and having casual sex with them. This is why The Nation of Homos oppose not-marriage-but-not-just-casual-sex-either unions; it is a huge threat to their ideal way of life.
Other Gay/Straight separationist groups simply wish to escape from the straight culture of marriage as it’s just a repulsive idea. ”Why would anyone do that? Really it’s sickening. People shouldn’t have that kind of thoughts inflicted on them at all!”
[edit] Legality and Legalization
For some unknown reason, in the face of all the opposing evidence, the meme of homosexual marriage has spread throughout the world (particularly the western half) everybody’s doing it! Well except for the above mentioned groups and societies. Even the world leaders (George Bush and Tony Blair (pictured)) decided to give it a go and show their support for the movement (after all governments have to show their support for all members of the society they govern). However it hasn’t been working out too well: they never talk, or when they do its shouting; they hardly see each other and suspect one another of some illicit affair with an underage prostitute and appearing on Jeremy Kyle hasn’t solved any of these problems! Because of this many countries are now working on making gay divorce legal.
