Gazelle

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So I'm flipping through the channels, and I get to this nature show, and I see a gazelle.

Now, when I see a gazelle on TV, I know the show isn't about the gazelle. It's about something that's gonna sack the gazelle.

When a gazelle sees that the TV crew, the gazelle is thinking "Oh shit, oh shit oh shit!" Because he knows the TV crew knows something that the gazelle doesn't.

If you've never seen a gazelle, they kinda look like a deer. But when you think about it, the gazelle is essentially cannon fodder for anything else that's bigger than the gazelle.

See the gazelle, doesn't stand a chance, at all. On TV, if they show a zebra, or a water buffalo, or a warthog crossing the river, and if the alligator catches him, they might slip away. They have a chance, but not the gazelle.

And there's no friends when it comes to gazelles. When the gazelles run, the one in the back is gonna get it. They don't help the other gazelle. One of them doesn't say "Oh shit, where's Tim? We gotta help Tim!" You never see a gazelle go back to save the other. He's like "Fuck that, I got my own problems."

Sometimes it's not even the last gazelle that gets it. What if the second to last gazelle trips on like a squirrel? Then they both fall over, and it's like an old "Abbott and Gazello" routine. And one says to the other "This is another fine mess you've gotten in us into Stanley," as a lion rips their throat open. Yeah, I know that's Laurel and Hardy, but a gazelle is a hearty meal.

You never see in the supermarket, Chunky Soup with hearty pieces of gazelle, do you?

The gazelle must be like the pepperoni pizza of the Serengeti. They're plentiful, and easily attainable. "You want to go out for some gazelle?" "Sure why not?"

I mean, everyone there eats the gazelle. You see lions and cheetahs hunting them, and the hyenas try to eat the remains. They said giraffes are herbivores. I say bullshit! Last nature show I saw, there was a giraffe spitting out leaves and going for some nice juicy gazelle.

What's a conversation between two gazelles like? "Hey Bob, how's Larry?" "Ohhh, Larry got eaten by an ostrich last week." "That's too bad. How are the kids?" "They were picked off by gnus. Me and Nancy are trying to have more, but last I saw her, she was getting flown off by penguins. I don't think I ever seen a penguin fly, let alone with a bottle of ketchup under his wing."

I went to the zoo once, I swear I saw a rabbit eyeballing a gazelle. And a bunny grows some major nuts when they're around a gazelle.

Just the other night I was cleaning out my basement, and there was a spider web in the corner. Guess what was caught in the spiderweb? Not a gazelle. Three gazelles!

I'd rather be in a red shirt on the Starship Enterprise than be a gazelle. At least they can yell "Help me!" before his neck snapped. If I was a Hindu, and I could pick what to be reincarnated as, I'd say "Anything but a gazelle."

The gazelle has a shorter life expectancy than an inner city gang banger. And gazelle don't even have a support group, or someone like Gazelle Sharpton speaking out for them. Cause other gazelles say "Why help Johnny? I'm next!"

Gotta have low self esteem if you're a gazelle. Ain't nobody losing a fight to a gazelle. You'll never see a gazelle dancing like Muhammed Ali over a knocked out koala bear. And koala are stoned all day! Gazelles would be stoned all day too if it weren't already for the paranoia.