Gears of War
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| Gears of War | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer | Epic Gamez |
| Release Date | November or October 2006. Maybe yesterday. |
| Genre | Forth Person Shooter |
| Platforms | Xbox 360, |
| Rating | EC (Early Childhood) |
| Would David Beckham play it? | No, his 360 is broken. |
“Of course I know how to use it. I've covered wars, you know.”
~ Frank West on the Lancer's chainsaw bayonet
“In Soviet Russia, chainsaw uses you!!”
~ Soviet Russia on Gears of War
“A chainsaw AND a gun, pure brilliance!”
~ Leatherface on Gears of War
“I haven't seen an exploding bow in ages!!!”
~ Turok on Gears of War
“I hope you know, I pack a chainsaw”
~ Fred Durst on skinning your ass raw
“Gears of War is violent.”
~ Captain Obvious on Gears of War
“I like to stab those monsters in the face.”
~ George W. Bush on Gameplay
“This is a shit game!”
~ Captain Obvious on Top of your mum in bed
“This game is amazing!”
~ Captain Sarcastic on The shitest game ever
Gears of War, not to be confused with Queers of War, is a game about what will happen during the 3rd apocalypse. It is definitely NOT exactly like Halo 2. The game puts you in the role of long-time steroid addict, Marcus Fenix, in jail for disobeying orders to save his dad during a war. Oh yeah, and while he's in prison these ugly-ass white weightlifters a splode from under the earth and kill everyone, and then he has to save the world with his BFFL Dom Santiago and some other characters that are also uninteresting.
This game was unveiled at an E3 convention in 1999, where Microsoft showed the game on floor as their main attraction for the original Xbox. Sadly, this failed because Sony was unveiling naked sluts dancing on poles for their main attraction. After testing the game on the original Xbox, the developers left the project untouched. Eventually, a young janitor, named CliffyB discovered the game. CliffyB and Dr. Dre worked in the lab with a pen and a pad trying to figure out how to make Gears of War more appealing to desperate sex-starved gamers. So they added a bunch of buff, sweaty men and no women.
At the next unveiling in 2005, Gears of War was shown again, this time with a more colorful (read: an added shade of blue) graphics engine, bigger guns, bigger bulges (we are talking about muscles, get your mind out of the gutter), and of course, bigger penises. They also added a home creation of CliffyB’s into the game, which was called the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy. That’s Lancer for short. Microsoft grudgingly let Epic work on it for their console, but would later make them wear assless chaps and whip them so their second map pack would cost money instead of being free. On its release date, it outsold every other video game and sex toy in history.
The game was originally going to be called "Queers of War", but the title was changed at the last second in an attempt to avoid any legal threats from the gays of the world. In an ironic twist of fate, under the new name of "Gears of War", the game actually appeals to the flaming homosexual gamer who has an eye for large sweaty men with big guns. There was a rumor going around that a straight man actually bought the game, but that rumor was put to rest when he confirmed that he returned the game and cut both his hands off in repentance. However, the game DID get positive feedback on Carmine, the only straight character in the game.
Contents |
[edit] Characters
The story mainly follows soul-patch enthusiast and pacifist Marcus Fenix and his border-jumping tagalong Dominic Santiago. However, there are other important characters, most faggish Augustus Cole. His first (would-be) appearance would have been in Planet of the Apes in both 1962 and 1999, except he insisted the racist directors to say he was a monkey. He secured his position as the FAGANATOR on the Cog team. He refers to himself ostensibly as the "Douche Cock," and insists that many have found the Douche Cock to be a "Bumby Ride." The Douche Cock is the worst character in the game. He was the original ape Planet of the Apes, too, but was replaced by a Dumb, blacker guy. The current Ape is slower and dumber. There are other characters such as Baird and Kim, but Baird's an asshole and nobody likes Kim, which is good because he got punched in the face and eviscerated by the long cheesgrater of a particularly big Locust, General RAAM. Jesus makes a small appearance during Act 3, but abandons the Cog team, much like he has abandoned the people of Earth. After every character dies you take control of Carmine. This occurs in Act 2 and continues into multiplayer if you have any sense of reason.
“It is like Brushing your teeth with chainsaw!!!!”
~ Doug Flights on GOW
[edit] Insane Mode Controversy
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Mary Magdalene, who was married to Jesus, is buried under the pyramid in the Louvre, and the holy grail is actually their descendants, Janeway defeats the Borg, the book "The Number 23" is actually about Jim Carrey's character's past, frankly, my dear, Clark Gable doesn't give a damn, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Gears is known for its ridiculously difficult campaign mode. There are 3 variations; casual, hardcore and insane (easy, normal, and hard respectively.) Casual mode can be completed by the average nub. Hardcore requires you to take cover (unlike in online multiplayer), and Insane requires you to call upon the wrath of ((Carmine, who dies in the beginning so your not going to beat campaign. end of story)) to actually get anything done. However, despite the reasonable plausibility of completing Gears on the first two modes, few have ever got past Act I of Insane mode, and it is impossible to beat RAAM if he doesn't get stuck while advancing at the beginning of the fight. It is a topic of much speculation amongst scientists as to what could happen if one ever completed the game legitimately. Reknowned kook, Kent Hovind, aka "Dr Dino", has let it be known that he believes Gears of War was created by God as a way to find a warrior worthy of defeating Chuck Norris. Naturally if this is true then it would appear to be wishful thinking by God that Chuck could actually be defeated in the first place. Proof for the "Hovind Theory" includes that the Xbox 360 achievement system has no rewards available for beating RAAM on insane mode, and that no Action Replays have ever, ever successfully kept players from being ass-raped at least once by Locust towards the end of Act I. The game is actually impossible in co-op mode not because it's difficult but because at some point you have to ride in train carts a-la Donkey Kong through areas where enemies drop in your kart from out of nowhere and kill you in one hit by a-sploding. Should you hit all of these enemies before they reach your kart, your partner won't (see Murphy's Law).
P.S. Locus like hugs!
[edit] Online Play
During online play, it is important to realise that no matter which weapon you use to execute your kill, it was either luck or you're being a bitch with that weapon, even if said weapon requires twice as much skill than the weapon your victim was using. While using the sniper rifle to attack morons with shotguns, you should note that you are a Perfect Reload Bitch that stands over people and continually downs them. Attacking your Shotgun-Charging friends with the Lancer irrefutably confirms your identity as a Lancer Bitch. If you skilfully sneak up behind them and stick a grenade to their backs, that is actually fair reason for them to quit the game. Remember if this seems unfair, it is in fact accurate, as Monkey_Chunder47 says so. If you dare disagree with him, he'll charge at you with his shotgun. But don't you dare start using that shotgun on him when he gets close, you shotgun bitch.
it is also worth noting that gears of war has won the "world's worst online community" two years in a row now. that's right even worse than halo! the community usually consists of northerners and fags which will boot you from the game for roadie running, using a lancer, using a shotgun, using a sniper, playing with a guest and being better than them. the only recorded game of gears of war played without the host booting everyone in the game was in 1867.
[edit] Teamkilling
If you ever decide to play a player match then you will undoubtedly be team killed. This is because the people playing have been living in the south for a number of years and take out their anger on their team. They should learn it's not other peoples' faults for them being southern monkies.
[edit] Active Reloading
This game has a ridiculous reload system known as active reloading. A bar goes across the screen under the picture of your weapon in the top right corner, leisurely tracking your progress through the reload. If you think you're the shit you can use the reload button again to either speed up your reload (active reload), speed up your reload way too much and for some reason do more damage for some time after said reload (perfect reload), or jam the gun and take like, twice as long as the normal reload (being a failure). You usually deserve it if the latter (lattest?) happens to you. Adding to this when you get the perfect reload with a longshot (sniper rifle) it is incredibly easy to down an opponent, oh and if you think your cool by doing this think again noobie.
[edit] Weapons
[edit] Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy
CliffyB’s proudest achievement in Weirs of Gore is the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy, whose past is long and difficult. Back on the farm in Alaska, the young Clifford Bee was given his very first chainsaw by his Grandfather. After brutally mutilating the majority of his family, including his ludicrous Grandfather, he was sentenced to a 4 month term in a state prison. It was here that he met a marvellous fellow named Dr. Dre, who regailed him each night with wonderful stories about the Silly Old Homies whose asses he'd capped with his friendly XM8 back in the Hood. Although CliffyB had no idea what all this meant, he knew that Dr. Dre loved his homies very much and longed to be back in the Hood with them, so that he could carry on popping caps in their asses. CliffyB thought long and hard about a gift to give Dr. Dre before he left prison, and finally the answer came when he duct-taped his favourite item (a chainsaw) to Dr. Dre's most treasured possesion: his XM8. Dr. Dre was over the moon, and the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy was born, trademarked and patented.
Using the Chainsaw Machine Gun Thingy during online play makes you a n00b. The n00bs who use it are accompanied everywhere they go by a Leatherface style revving sound, which pretty much makes them as easy to spot as Leatherface. It also means they move with the same ease and grace as Leatherface. Their comments over the headset are usually as coherent and lucid as Leatherface's trademark dulcet tones, too. Heck, they probably even look like Leatherface, only it's not a mask, it's just their face.
The actual machine gun part is OK, but remember, if you kill anyone with it, you're a lancer bitch.
[edit] Gnasher
"Steve" is the shotgun's real name, but how do you pronounce that and why would you call it that? Using the shotgun during online play makes you a n00b. People who use the shotgun do so because of their own insecurities about the size of their manhood. Or womanhood. Personhood. Whatever. The only real weakness to the gun, and true skill involved in its use, comes when a player attempts to describe it to a team mate using its proper name. Entire Beers of Lore servers have been known to crash as hundreds of players simultaneously stumble over that silent 'G'. In order to use this gun one must be able to do the hokey-pokey and eat twenty marshmallows in six seconds.
Recent studies show that there is no way to fix the shotgun other than to limit its ammo to one extra clip (and two at full capacity) so as to keep it as a backup/close range "incident" weapon; however, even more recent studies show that this information would have been useful more than two days away from the release of Halo 3 - a debatable application of Murphy's Law.
[edit] Longshot
Well, it really was a long shot getting us to believe this one. Allow me to explain. Gears of War is based in the future, on some distant Sci-fi planet, yet these soldiers insist on using single shot, bolt action sniper rifles. Yep, for some reason they skipped the era of semi-automatic rifles, never mind that bolt action rifles are inexplicably more accurate than Semis. It is thought that CliffyB personally ensured this set of circumstances came to pass, so that philosophy students might have an excuse to discuss "this awesome new game" during lectures. Using the Longshot during online play makes you a n00b. If you're going to use that perfect reload system, one hit kills are as BOOM HEAD SHOT! Yes, that's right, fact fans! Now you don't even have to be skilled to use a sniper rifle! Who needs head shots anyway?
[edit] Hammer of Dawn
The Hammer of Dawn is one of several hammer-themed weapons in Fears of More, the others not mentioned here being the Hammerburst, Hammerscrewdriver, and Hammertime. This laser satellite spotter is a fairly well-balanced weapon, but poor programming makes it inoperable against most surfaces (which is ironic, as you need to "paint" a target on a surface for a few seconds to make it work, and the game doesn't seem to handle movement of the weapon very well). When you pick up the Hammer of Dawn it actually gives you the option of what color you would like it to be. Vanilla Frost and Berry Crush were the most criticized colors. Most of the time the "gamers" didn't know whether you would get two coats of the color or two scoops. Another amazing feature would be the gravy napalm that spurts out barrel if needed. Effectively weilding this moderatley-powered satellite cannon takes some skill and practice. It is a well balanced weapon that doesn't just rain down explosive laser death from the sky on all enemies in sight. However, despite this, using the Hammer of Dawn during online play makes you a n00b.
[edit] Torque Bow
This is another of CliffyB's real-world invention crossover weapons. The original design consisted of a shaken up Coke can and a longbow, but for the game these were changed to a crossbow, because it sounds angrier, and an arrow with an explosive kitten on the tip, because it takes longer to explode after impact. In the Years of Whores world, having an arrow sticking out of a chest, back or skull causes little or no incovenience to the wearer, but the exploding kitten turns them into giblets a second later, so no-one has ever had time to see if they can pass through airport metal detectors with an arrow in them. No-one knows why it is called the Torque Bow. I mean, isn't that like, what cars have, or something? Using the Torque Bow makes you a n00b.
[edit] Boomshot
The Boomshot (also known as the "OMG IT DIDN'T EVEN HIT ME!") was based on one of Carmine's appendages. It fires rockets that were inspired by his unstoppable wrath. Its ten-mile blast radius doesn't quite match up to his fury, but you get the idea. Carmine's mighty rocket pipe will get you no matter where you are. There have been complaints about the extreme effectiveness of this weapon, but CliffyB has defended it saying "To produce a weapon based on Carmine's part that was any less powerful than the Boomshot is would be to disgrace Carmine's memory. May God rest his piece." Because of its excessive power, using the Boomshot during online play makes you a n00b.
[edit] Fag Tag
Multiplayer games often include at least one of these "Fag Taggers" whom finds it more fun to run around using grenades as a melee weapon, rather than throwing them. Invariably they always play as Baird (why? Because he's a faggot, alright?) The only players who can stop the fag taggers are the dudes that catch fag taggers offguard with a one-hit-wonder weapon, or are lucky enough to keep a stream of fire on the fagger as he approaches sufficient enough to down him. If you fag tag then you are a n00b.
[edit] COG Tags
Possibly originating from DOG tags, glowy things are shaped like gears. It just so happened the guy who patented them had a typo and pressed C instead of D. Fag tags can be collected to earn gamer points of Xbox live and Games for Windows LIVE (for those who still think PC's can "1337 PWN 3SHITSY'S 455!!), Gamerpoints can be used to purchase porn on the Live marketplace. This porn is ussually low quality with out-of-sync sound. These tags are found in almost every chapter of the book. Their location is indicated by some vandalism shaped like a red potato. Fag tags are shiny and mainly found in the middle of nowhere, or around ded bodies. Another mistake made by the inventor was to make them brighter than the sun so that they stand out, maybe that's why all the other soldiers you ever encounter are dead cuz they got raped in the ass from being seen by the tags shinyness. And all the dead soldiers you see look like they Got some sick.
[edit] Unrealistic 3 Engine
With a raging 5-litre V12 engine, this baby really kicks it into overdrive. The overall graphics are actually alien to this world and have been proven to come from the planet N’duyoz in a much further galaxy. CliffyB sold his soul to the devil (or Bill Gates) for the engine. Oscar Wilde then promptly delivered the engine himself. The engine set about building its self, then the game, then the game manufacturing plant, then the transport trucks and finally Toys 'R' Us - or possibly Game - and began making more money than CliffyB's company has in the last 5 years.
[edit] Violence in Gameplay
Contrary to belief, the final version of Gears of War has limited amounts of gore. To be more parent-friendly, the game's standard bullets were replaced with Nerf bullets. The chainsaw is probably the most violent feature of the game, but when you finish chainsawing a character, they actually turn into a pile of wood, or faggots. Because of this, the game was changed from it’s original Adults Only rating to an 'Early Childhood' rating. Or at least that's the only reason we could come up with for why you will regularly hear an 11 year old cussing you out on their Xbox live headset. We're looking at you, Silent Storm 93. And we're tired of hearing it.
[edit] Things That Rhyme with Gears of War
- Orange
- Ears of War
- Shears of War
- Queers of War
- Beers of War
- Sears of War
- Deers of War
- If you use a gun your a n00b
- Spears of War
- Fears of War
- Jeers of War
- Leers of War
- Peers of War
- Rears of War
- Tears of War
- Mirrors of War
- Peers of War
- Years of War
- Northerners Of War
- Worst Online Commnity....of war
- Seers of War
- Cheers of War
- A game that doesn't suck
- Hello Kitty
- Gears of war
- Anything that ends in War basically.
