Gene Hoglan
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“God fucked up and gave Gene my drumming skills”
~ Kirk Hammet on Gene Hoglan
“Mother Fucker! How'd i do that?”
~ God on Gene Hoglan
“What? I wasn't a potato...or was I?...Mmm”
~ Gene Hoglan
“Gene was actually the guy who gave me the scoober-tank full of fart gag”
~ William Murderface
“What a gay name”
~ Gene Simmons on Gene Hoglan
“I told gene that he's too metal for techno, and he probably thought Chuck Schuldiner and Devin Townsend were cool so he's metal now. Also, I was the guy who un-potatoed him”
“Gene told us that he owns us or else he will blast beat our brains out. He now knows better...”
~ Google
Contents |
[edit] Gene's Birth(s)
Gene Hoglan started out as a humble potato. Unfortunately after the great genetically modified potato explosion of '78, he was the only one left of his family of 63,000,001 and was raised by some Asian guy called Dave Mustaine (no relation to Dave Mustaine of Megadeth). He then developed an addiction for World of Warcraft, soon exceeding the impossible level of 71.
It is rumored that Gene sold his WoW User to a nice Polish-African man named George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher and used the proceeds to buy a Wee Nintendae DS (No relation to Nintendo DS), with no batteries. From this item he learned how to blast beat using the "A" and "B" buttons. His unparalleled skill to do bass fills by using the "L" and "R" on his DS had made young Hoglan one step closer to becoming one of the greatest drummers of all time.
[edit] A New Friend
So Hoglan now had the "Basics of Drumming" in his left pocket (it is an ancient and rare stone tablet carved by Mike Portnoy), and now needed a new kit. It is confirmed that Hoglan visited at least 43 music stores in 98 states in the US. None of which could satisfy his need for the perfect drum kit. However they did satisfy his obscure baby eating fetish.
Hoglan had almost given up hope and was sitting outside Ozzfest 1702, when out stepped the one and only Van Williams of Nevermore. In Hoglan's photographically accurate memory, these were his words. "Jou wanna come and jam at my place?", and he began pink bellying Hoglan until he unwillingly accepted. Williams was impressed at how Godly Hoglan was at fixing refrigerator doors and thus rewarded him with a spare drum kit. (He also noted that Gene was "pretty good at drumming" too, then wet willied Warrel Dane, also of Nevermore.
[edit] Gene's Musical Career
The following is a list of the bands Gene has played for, or has been a member of, and the musicians he really thinks probably like him.
- Death
- Chuck Schuldiner
- Strapping Young Lad
- Jerry Seinfeld
- Devin Townsend
- The 2 pac shamulishlap encounter with Mohammed Ali.- Featuring Godzilla and Barney
- Opeth
- Mikael Åkerfeldt- Inconsistent evidence
- Sizzlers hole
- Dethklok, the prestigious dog walking sitcom
- Dark Angel
[edit] FUN FACTS
- Hoglan stole a donut from a homeless guy on the 23rd of Jan 2003.
- More than once, Hoglan tried out for the Little Athletics competition for under 14 girls.
- Hoglan himself has admitted to the destruction of over 231 European McDonald's restaurants.
- Hoglan has a firm belief that he is the Cyclops from X-men
- Once, While in his "Cyclops" imaginary trance, he decided to fight Chuck Norris, and he set the world record of being the first person to actually touch Chuck Norris without getting killed as a result by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris also wants us to say that if we tell you this then he will kill us, then rape you for reading it...he will know you read it.
- Hoglan has two extreme phobia's, at least one is hilariously depressing.
- Hoglans' hobbies include, knitting, petting his cat "Mittens", and getting into hairy cactus fights.
- Apparently this guy "Hoglan" likes drumming too.
- Hoglan is not a 1974 mustang convertible with a single cup holder and detachable ashtrays.
- Hoglan won the world championship 16 times in a row for the most efficient bearded arsonist awards.
- In 1994 (BC) Hoglan was diagnosed with a rare kidney disease which allows him to swallow whole microwaves.
- It is still uncertain as to whether or not Mr Hoglan is or even was alive.
- Hoglan was Frodo from Lord Of The Rings, he was also Golem for 3 scenes of The Fellowship of the Ring.
- Yes, it is true that he slept with the fishes, as confirmed by Don Giuseppi... The fish died after 12 minutes of Hoglan's horrific stench.
- It is true that Hoglan single handedly destroyed the death-star... regardless of Lord Vader's warnings...
- Photographic evidence shows Hoglan hijacking a merry-go-round at Bucketheadland.
- Buckethead Kicked his fucking arse!
- Then he apologised.
- Hoglan cut off a man named Rusty Cooley's toe. May or may not be true depending on how good your lawyer is...
- A common sight in Van Couver, Canada, is to see Hoglan running around super gluing thumb-tacks to pedestrian crossing buttons.
- It is a popular belief that Hoglan is actually a number of small parasitic organisms living off of what was once Denzel Washington.
- Hoglans' alter-ego is the rapping holy man known as MC Jesus.
- His favourite game is Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City
- Gene has special holes in his pants which allow his testicles to go out for a breather
- Once Gene was mistaken for Vinnie Paul Abbott. Upon hearing that claim he killed the one that said that by ripping his heart out of his chest and eating it in one bite. He followed that by saying "I ain't no drummer for some shitty poser band!"
