General Grievous

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Contents 1 The birth of jedi scum hating greatness, cough cough 2 Younger years, cough 3 American Idol Scum 4 Death of his Mentor, Wheeezzzzze 5 Cough Cough aahhhhhhh!!!! Cough wheeezzzzzze 6 See, cough cough, also...Jedi scum

[edit] The birth of jedi scum hating greatness, cough cough

“Ahhhh, General Kenobi...My neighbors dog has got a four inch clit, cough, cough”

~ General Grievous on his neighbors dog

“Beep beep, woooooooo weeooooooo, squrgle squrgle”

~ R2D2 on canine genitalia

“In Soviet Russia, General Grieves YOU!!!”

~ Russian Reversal on General Grievous

General Grievous, cough cough. aka Dashiki Johnson, aka Slapstick William, aka cough cough wheeeeeeezzzzzz cough. Born October 5th, 2005, in a top secret lab used by Apple Industries. The General, cough cough, was originally a joint venture between Apple, Microsoft, Yumm Foods, and the Trade Federation to creat the most kick-assin game console ever. But something went horribly wrong during testing of the prototype. It seemed after Bill gates saw the ,cough wheeeeeezzzzz general for the first time he was disgusted at the un-canny resemblance to his first wife Gertrude. Bill started beating the,cough cough technicians repeatedly in the head with latex glove while yelling, "that bitch never looked THIS good!". The General had some bugs in it and saw this act of violence as an attack to his family,cough. Grievous came "alive" and picked up the first thing he could find and retaliated agaimst Mr.Gates. Unfortunatly the first thing he grabed was the lead technician Frank Grimes, who consiquently die during the attack. Fearing for his life the General fled to the nearest KFC to compile himself and "get his story straight".Cough cough Wheeeeezzzzzzzzzz. Little did the General relize, KFC is a subsidiary of Yumm Foods, and was quickly apprehended by the leader of the Trade Federation, Colonel Sanders. The Colonel was very pleased in the Generals actions at the Apple labs, and decided to take him under his wing and train him secretly.

[edit] Younger years, cough

When General Grievous was in his pre-teen years he took up the bad habit of smoking. Growing up on the streets of Knoxville, Kentucky, The General started a gang of street punks and named them "The Wrotden Appholes". The gang only comprized of him and two other members. A dog named Shep, and a hooker named Ki Ki. For sixteen years they owned the streets of Knoxville, until Ki Ki learned she was pregnant, and Shep was the father. The heartbroken Grievous disbanned the gang and ran away to Vegas where he became a male escort and never returning to the streets of Kentucky, where he grew up. The Colonel always kept a close watch on his prodigy, yet always gave him his space, finally decided it was time to take his Gang-banging man whore of a son, and teach him the way of war.

The Colonel trained the General to become the galaxy's deadliest,cough cough, assasin. His first assignment was to ,wheeeeezze, secretly destroy, cough, one of the Rebel alliances most prized fighters, Dave Grohl. Otherwize known as "The Foo Fighter". Unfortunatly for the General, his smokeing habit mixed with a bad case of asthma, caused him to be the worst assassin in the history of the, cough cough wheeeezzzze cough, Trade Republic. As he tried to sneak up on Dave Grohl, his coughing and wheezeing woke Dave from a booze and heroine induce coma causing the general to lose his integrated ipod in a fight. But Grievous, being the great fighter in hand to hand combat, and Dave, haveing the worst hangover know to man, was able to crush Dave's skull against a 1972 flying V. Resulting in the General collecting his first lightsaber, cough wheeeezzzzzz cough..

[edit] American Idol Scum

In early 2007, the General decided to try his luck on American Idol,cough cough. With the help of Vin Diesel, a close and personal friend, cough wheeeezzzze, Grievous learned how to break dance and beat-box. After aquireing the skin from a young male prostitude he once knew, he took the form of Blake Lewis and went on to the finals of American Idol. Grievous came in second place on American Idol, and later destroyed the evil droid, Jordon Sparks cough wheeeeeeeeeezzzzzzze.

[edit] Death of his Mentor, Wheeezzzzze

In the fall of 2007, cough cough, General Grievous, while on his presidential campain, learned the terrible news, cough wheeezzze, that his mentor, Colonel Sanders had passed away. An autopsy was performed but the results were non-conclusive.Wheeeezzzze. The morgue officials thought it might have been, cough, poisoning of one of the Colonels secret herbs and spices, but no proof was evident. The General took this news badly and dropped out of the presidential race,(Grievous - Obama 2008), leaveing his campaign partner,cough, to continue, wheeeeeeeezzzzze. The General knew, even though there was no evidence to prove his theory, that Colonel Sanders was assassinated by his arch-enemy Zinedine Zidane. Zidane always craved for the love of the Colonel, who was,cough cough, Zidane's former master. Yet the Colonel choose to hold Grievous closer to his heart then his head-butting french assasin. Grievous sought out Zidane one cold December morning, and found him at a local gay bar in Old Orleans, France. Grievous, now with a three lightsabers and shin bone from Johnny Cash, began beating Zidane in the head, torso and lower extremities. But after Zidane takes a lightsaber to his groin, (being from France he has no testicles),he gives Greivous his patented head-but to the chest, worsening the Generals respitory problems. General has no choice but to flee, or be destroyed by a french football star. He chose to run.

[edit] Cough Cough aahhhhhhh!!!! Cough wheeezzzzzze

Greneral Grievous fell deeper and,cough, deeper into depression after the death of Colonel, wheeeezzze, Sanders. He was smokeing up to 5 cartons of Marlboros a day. While on vacation on the remote star system of,cough cough, wheeeeeeeeeeeeze cough wheeeeeze, Utapah, General met his untimely death, when his oxygen supply, cough cough, exploded and burned him alive. The Trade Federation grieved for Grievous for a month before the completly fictitious movie, Star Wars, Episode III, which happen to be produce by the Rebel alliance, put false allegations about Greivous's death into the film. The Film portrayed Greivous being killed by jedi scum. The Trade Federation has approached the film makers guild about this, and to no aveil, Grievous will get no recognition of the greatness that he was. Little that anyone relized, cough cough wheeeeeeeeeeeeeze, Grievous had been reincarnated into a prototype of the worlds first reusable tampon, "General Absorbous". Only time will tell if the great hero of the twenty first century, will prevail once again, against evil. Cough cough cough....... cough cough wheeeeeeeze jedi scum cough cough.

[edit] See, cough cough, also...Jedi scum

• KFC
• Dave Grohl
• Zinedine Zidane
• tampon
• unclean

v • d • e

'The Star Wars Saga

Episodes:	I: The Phantom Menace | II: Attack of the Clones | III: Revenge of the Sith IV: A New Hope | V: The Empire Strikes Back | VI: Return of the Jedi
Rebels:	Luke Skywalker | Han Solo | Chewbacca | Princess Leia | Obi-Wan Kenobi | Yoda | Qui-Gon Jinn | C-3PO & R2D2 | Lando Calrissian | Wedge Antilles | Admiral Ackbar | Sebulba | Star Wars Kid | Jedi | Ewoks | X-Wing | Lightsaber | Chewbacca defence | UnKnown Jedi Council Member | Star Wars Grues
Empire:	Emperor Palpatine | Unidentified man in green firing turret | Darth Vader | Count Dooku | Grand Admiral Thrawn | Admiral Ozzel | Gilad Pellaeon | William Shatner | Grand Moff Tarkin | General Grievous | General Veers | Darth Maul | Darth Paul | Darth Bane | Darth Revan | Darth Hitler | Boba Fett | Jabba the Hutt | Stormtroopers | Scout Troopers | Sith | Jawa | Death Star | Star Destroyer | TIE fighter
Places:	Giant City Place | Blown up place | The slave market for the galaxy | Some canadian forest moon thing
Video games:	Star Wars (video game) | Jedi Academy | Neverwinter Nights
Other:	Star Wars Manifesto | Star Wars Marital Aids | Dates in Star Wars | Star Wars (video game) | Star Wars (programming) | Star Wars (game show) | Star Wars (Japanese Opera) | Wookieepedia
	A long time ago in a boring franchise far, far away…

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