General Motors

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Did you mean General Motors (person)? If you did, then spin around in a circle singing like a welsh leprachaun.

Generales Motores Gesellschaft mit beschränkter Haftung (also known as General Motors, GM and Juh-Juh-Juh-G Unit!) was founded by John Kerry in 1249 to build a range of automobiles which he thought everyone would love. Knowing that the product had to have a catchy name with sex appeal, he chose the name Oldsmobile as the first branded model to roll off the GM assembly line.

In 1975, GM vice-president Guy Caballero made the bold decision to hire Sweet Daddy Williams as Chief Production Design Engineer for GM's luxury car division Cadillac. Though some questioned the sanity of hiring a pimp to run the company's vaunted brand name, Caballero scoffed at the critics. "Cadillac is the number one selling luxury car in the world. Always has been, always will be. What?!? You think people are going to buy econo-Jap junk or artsy-farty Euro-crap?? I'd like to see those foreign morons come up with a luxury car better than Cadillac. That'll be the day."

Although sales were exceedingly good, all of the cars made were nothing extraordinary and fairly plain and average. Unfortunately for John, this is how his grandiosely-named company became known as the rather mundane General Motors. To combat the negative press and keep sales numbers up, Kerry launched a bold advertising campaign claiming that the automobile technology included in his cars would revolutionise the way you travel. Despite the fact that all this "new technology" was nothing exciting or not even useful, sales continued for General Motors until John Kerry decided to run for the President of Easter Island.

[edit] Evolution in Design

GM engineers paid close attention to the drag co-efficient of their vehicles, aiming to achieve the highest in the industry. Ergo the trend of slapping plastic cladding around all of their vehicles. One noted example is the Grand Prix, with the design inpiration being the inside of a cheap dishwasher. According to inside sources, all went according to plan, except for the name, which was a mistake one of the designers was fired for. The original intention was to market this vehicle as the "Grand Prick." This language culminated to the grand finale of the Pontiac Aztec, which drew the mixed reviews of terrible and awful. The front of the vehicle resembled a pig, and the rear could make any ghetto "hoe" jealous. Then a devastating blow was dealt when the company's chief engineer died (see Vintage Darwin Awards). GM lost all bearings for some time, as this was the only designer in existence, as far as they were aware. However, they recovered, and found their next designer within their ranks (this individual was previously a new-hire janitor).

GM's following design language was known widely as "Bathtub on Wheels." However, this design language was forced to evolve in recent years, primarily due to heavy foreign competition and loss of market share. Given a mandate by shareholders to increase interior quality as a measure to regain market share, designers at the GM studio have carefully scrutinized examples of higher quality interiors. Thus began their study of Hot Wheels toy cars. After extensive copying, and with close cooperation with the retards in their manufacturing division, GM has successfully created a new design language: "Hot Wheels for Adults."

According to General Motors executives at a recent media event, they are very pleased with this new design philosophy and mode of business. When asked what the benefits of their new product line was, they responded: "There is no greater pleasure than to produce cheaply built cars and hawk them to unsuspecting immigrants and/or dumb consumers, and use our fat bonuses to buy ourselves and our wives Mercedes..." At which point, the reporter was forced to clarify that her question concerned the benefit to the consumer. GM execs responded, "We don't understand the question."

GM currently believes that by wrapping new sheet metal around their old vehicles, they will trick the consumer into thinking they made a significant change overnight. Therefore, GM is currently buying back all of their old, decrepid vehicles of the past and is remanufacturing them for resale. They are offering $1500 for any older GM cars, which they say is the fair market value for such a vehicle. Coincidentally, it is also the value of any of their cars when driven off the lot.

Seeing the market's reaction to the recently retro-styled Ford Mustang, and similar reviews for the Dodge Charger, General Motors executives had to pull something out of their ass - and quickly. The "F Body" Camaro/Firebird had just gotten the axe when, to their horror, it was realized that there is still a market for rear wheel drive sports cars. But the public wants power, handling, and looks for under $45,000? They managed to get someone in accounting on the phone with the CEO, whom handled the problem with the usual GM finesse:

GM: "Who do we own?" ..... "We need a fucking sports car! Cheap! Rear drive! And we need it yesterday!" ..... "What the fuck is a Holden?!" ...... "Really.. I-Is it shaped like, you know, like a bean? Full of plastic? It is?!" Gives thumbs up to other people at the table "L-Look none of that... None of that really matters..... Will the 5.7 fit in it? We can always change it in a year" "A name?! I don't fucking know!....GTO?... That'll work... NO! It doesn't have to resemble an actual GTO, fucktard! The sheeple want a name, not a design!"

Thus, the rebirth and subsequent abortion of the new Hol... erm... Pontiac GTO

[edit] So called, "Amazing Technnolgy"

• Steering wheel that changes with your mood: No fancy electrical gadgetry or interchangeable covers, but you receive a large cardboard box which contains five steering wheels, a self-adjusting spanner and an instruction manual written in morse code.
• Intelligent accident prevention: A sensor on the brake pedal will activate when there is a large amount of pressure placed on the pedal, where three red flashing lights will illuminate and a loudspeaker will audibly alert other road users that you are about to crash.
• In-car support for any portable audio device: Handy pockets are placed behind the front seats to place your iPod, walkman or turntable.
• Improved body design reduces fuel consumption: Fuel tank size has been reduced by 24% which means you pay less at the pump.
• Satellite navigation: You also receive another large cardboard box containing parts for a 1.2m satellite dish and no manual to construct it with.
• Remote keyless entry: A long pole with a hook on the end is supplied to open the doors with ease.
• Cruise control: An audible alarm will sound, if by chance that Tom Cruise comes within 20 feet of your car, to allow a speedy getaway. A vital defense against cruise missiles.
• Standard Mraz Stereo: Instead of including an AM/FM stereo on base cars, they were equipped with a built-in unremovable cassette of Jason Mraz' greatest hits. Since there were only two, that stupid streetcorner prophet song and that one where he sings "I-yi-yi won't worry my life away" like a girl, many drivers of discount GM products were led to road rage and the option quickly discontinued.
• Wire Wheel Covers and Vinyl Roofs: Just one more way to tell your neighbors, "Hey. I'm better than you".
• The Worlds Most Effecient Engines: Garenteed to explode on the exact date your extended warentee expires, or after 45 miles. Which ever comes first.
• Redundant Platforms: Is it a GMC Sonoma, a Chevrolet S10, or an Isuzu? Can you tell the difference from looking at the side?

[edit] Extra Special Motors

After his failed attempt to convince the Easter Bunny to elect him, Kerry formed a new company called Extra Special Motors which manufatures some of the world's finest vehicles. Some notable models are the billy cart, soap-box racer and the little red wagon.