Geologist
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Geologists are 'scientists' with an unnatural obsession with geology (rocks and alcohol). Often too intelligent to do monotonous sciences like biology, chemistry, or physics, geologists devote their time to mud-worrying, volcano poking, fault finding, bouldering, dust-collecting, and high-risk colouring.
One of the main difficulties in communicating with geologists is their belief that a million years is a short amount of time and their heads are harder than rocks. Consequently, such abstract concepts as "Tuesday Morning" and Lunchtime are completely beyond their comprehension. (This difficulty generates problems particularly when dealing with the girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse and attempting to explain why you were "gone for so long" or why something is taking "so long to occur.")
[edit] Geologists in Politics
Geologists are in general apolitical as they feel Democrats and Republicans are just further proof in the slowness of evolutionary processes. Also, they tend to not give a shit about hot political topics, such as anthropogenic climate change, since each one of them can name at least 20 other geologic events that are going to wipe our asses out way before sea levels rise and increased hurricane activity bother us.
If they were sober for long enough, geologists could find geologic flaws in all political discussions on global energy usage, oil prices, ANWR, mid-east politics, etc. They also see how wrong Hollywood is in all portrayals of geology in particular and science in general, in the movies and on any national news program. In summary, when it comes to politics they just don't give a shit. They would rather be hiking in a desert looking at beach sand that happened 200 million years ago.
The twin-island nation of Trinidad & Tobago in the Caribbean seems to be an exception to the rule when it comes to political apathy of geologists. The current ruling administration is headed by Mr. Patrick Manning who began his career as a geologist for Texaco (now a wholly absorbed part of Chevron Corp.). Additionally, Mr. Eric Williams Jr., a geophysicist, had been appointed Minister of Energy. Mr. Williams has since resigned from this post and is under investigation for bribery charges. Two other geologists, Mr. Fuad Khan and Mr. Keith Rowley have also had ministerial posts in the current administration. However, Mr. Khan has also resigned from his post following allegations of corruption.
The Governor of Nevada, Jim Gibbons, was once a geologist. Guess he wasn't very good at that either. The current Mayor of Denver, Colorado, John Hickenlooper ("Hick" to the homies!) was a geologist in a past life until he discovered being a "Baron of Brewpubs" in Lodo (an area that owes its history to the confluence of the Platte and Cherry Creek, both uninspired geologically-controlled 'rivers') made *way* more money than being a geologist. His background in geology is not well understood.
[edit] Geologists in the Movies
Geologists are ice-age cool, although they typically do not look like James Bond, being altogether too filthy to ever pass for a suave Englishman. There has been one accurate portrayal of a geologist in a B-rate movie, however. In "Trek of the Moon Beast", the mineralogist turned into a flesh-eating monster at night. It is thought that this may be a common occurrence among mineralogists. However, it is a well-established fact that field geologists are magma-hot. The details not well known because field geologists tend to stay in the field most of the time, where only other field geologists get to see how hot they are.
Another excellent portrayal of a geologist is in the Hollywood blockbuster 'The Core'. In this widely known film the U.S. government has stopped the revolution of the earth's core (the magnetized liquid outer core, anyway) via the use of sinister 'classified' science, and due to the impending doom of all of the world at their hand from superviolent storms and world flooding, etc. the mighty U.S.A. feels it has to restart the revolution of the core via the use of thermonuclear explosion, obviously. To administer said explosives they use a craft made from Unobtanium, an alloy which is scarcely believable, ahem, available I meant to say. (this film should not at all be considered an allegory on America's world policy at present, honestly...ok, you've got me, it is!) Suffice to say they all live happily ever after and the few billion tonnes of liquid outer core just plays along with no ill aftereffects or sequential flood-type volcanism, the joys of being a Geologist. (** Dr. Josh Keyes-- the "geologist" character is actually a Seismologist-- which is totally different. Seismologists study how energy propagates THROUGH the Earth and don't actually care about rocks at all. They also don't drink beer nearly as well. The whole "playing the trumpet to a piece of granite" thing ... not so much).
Geologists are also portrayed in 'Armageddon', although a real geologist is quick to note how gravity reengaged on the asteroid when the drillers (geologist wannabes) start throwing the boring casings.
A really good example of a retired geologist can be found in "SIX FEET UNDER". He was married 7 times and became crazy in the end.
Another typical portrayal of a geologist is South Park's character Randy Marsh, who is Stan's father. Randy is named after South Park creator Trey Parker's own father, Randy Parker, who was also a geologist. Randy displays many typical geologist tendencies such as being called a 'scientist', but actually being of little use in many situations, and having a drinking problem.
In 'Ocean's Thirteen,' Brad Pitt's character disguises himself as a geologist and tricks the enemy into installing a seismograph in a hotel. Brad Pitt's disguise is fairly accurate, with messy hair, dirty boots, etc.
[edit] Geologists in History
Geology began in Edinburgh 2.420MA when celebrated physicist James Clerk Maxwell built a time machine, and went back to Scotland to give James Hutton the idea. Hutton then went to the Galapagos Islands and passed on the idea to Charles Darwin. Hutton then invented the volcano, and modern geology was born. Anne Heche, one of the few famous female geologists, made her name when she discovered the W of Gondwanaland on an expedition to Brazil. Subsequently, while Maxwell was distracted by an argument with Niels Bohr over the exact place in history for Avogadro's number, Waldemar Lindgren stole the time machine and has since used it to visit every historic mine and mining camp in the Western U.S., and in fact he continues to do so to this day. This is the reason you will see Waldemar Lindgren's name on every publication regarding mining in the western U.S., and the reason why his published writings exceed nearly 200 titles, not counting discussions, reviews, more than 1,000 abstracts, in addition to authoring numerous pajama related advertisments for various trade show publications and haberdasheries in his spare time. Geologists had a revival in the late 23rd century when the great Pete Kokelaar emerged from a crater on Montserrat and proclaimed himself an ignimbrite.
[edit] Geologists and Alcohol
There is a considerable, and still growing body of scientific literature that suggests that geologists are in fact the world's first alcohol-based life form. Owing to a crucial imbalance in blood electrolyte levels (possibly caused by overexposure to bad rock puns) most find it necessary to imbibe vast quantities of alcoholic beverages at every opportunity. If you ever encounter a geologist who is sober after 6pm, this person is an imposter: possibly an alien; probably a geophysicist, marine geographer or hydrologist. Alcoholism is an acceptable, even socially beneficial, disease for an active geologist. The mark of a true geologist is the ability to draw up a systematic and colour coded diagrammatic representation of good beer distribution across the globe, using no more than a tatty beer mat and burnt twig. **Note** ... Geophysicists begin drinking after 8pm (after a 14 hour day of CMP, X/Y Coordinate, Shot/Receiver, Offset, Band Width, AGC, LMNO, static, velocity, attenuation, multiple, stack, and migration calculations have been sufficiently destroyed by the previous night of drinking or; they have cused a computer a blue streak and thrown it down seven flights of stairs ...not to mention 'accidental' breakage of tens of thousands dollars worth of equipment and/or loss of all data). In other words, to compensate for the fact that they don't go outside.
Therefore the phrase "I am not an alcoholic, I am a geologist" has become quite common within many student body's to explain their metamorphism from an organic based life form to a alcohol-based one.
Alternative conversation topics might include: a detailed consideration of the relative merits of differing brands of gin (including those brands that may only be termed "gin" as "bug-infused lighter fuel" might look bad on the risk assessment forms); whether a hangover is very useful or absolutely essential to the correct practice of geology in the field; and how many crates of beer does it take to cause the average 4x4 to roll over/dump its rear axle/spontaneously combust. It has been observed that undergraduate geology students are berated and whipped with bootlaces by their lecturers if they do not partake in late night drinking on field trips (exception: university of Western Australia). Returning to university without liver-ache is frowned upon by most (exception: university of Western Australia). Early mornings in the field are usually fueled by coffee; however, water is optional in the brewing process and filters are unheard of. In the absence of water, coffee will be brewed with leftover beer. In the absence of beer, vodka, scotch, gin or tequila; coffee grounds may be chewed dry. This perhaps, is the reason it is impossible to communicate successfully with a geologist in the field. Protective cover in the form of beards shields geologists in a field party from sight of each other's gin-etched and coffee-coloured teeth. The inability to grow a beard is one of the factors still hampering female geologists today, though some have a really good crack at it.
Alcohol is also essential on field activities, either on late night scientific discussions or cold-weather camping. Alcohol is used as an essential renewable fuel source for enlightened or hot topics and for surviving in cold weather as a human "internal combustion" liquid fuel. It's known of geologists that have survived on a pint of whiskey on the middle of the desert or in way-below freezing temperatures.
Alcohol is an essential companion and tool in the field (as well as out), just as important as the rock hammer, Brunton compass, and hand-lens.
In recent years, geologists have become more inclined to imbibe absinthe in their efforts to better think like a rock. The proper way to drink absinthe is to prepare a drink known as a green schist. Absinthe is most appropriately consumed by straining a shot into a glass through an absinthe spoon containing a sugar cube. Light the sugar cube. After it burns down, stir it into the glass with the spoon, then take the shot. (DO NOT substitue aplite!). Add three shots of ice cold water (preferably from a receeding glacier) and watch as the absinthe louches with the cold water and sugar. Caution, do not drink more than five of these in one sitting! Also, ONLY trust female geologists that you observe slamming down shots of absinthe in a bar. You have been warned.
Most geologists start out as promising students and fall afoul of troublesome types during their tertiary education, hence are rendered drug addicts which leads to the interest in dirt and solidified dirt sometimes know as "rocks". At some point in the future emerging from their drug haze with a degree and desire to head west where the money is being given away (note geologists always head west like moss) they are forced to abandon their beloved illicit drug habits and become alcholics. Like a butterfly but with a beard, and ear hair.
[edit] Geologists and Breeding
The prospect of month upon month of fieldwork in remote places has led to some interesting evolutionary peculiarities amongst this species. Amidst only rocks and alcohol, with often long dark nights eliminating the possibility of the former, and leaving only the latter, resourceful geologists fill their time intermingling with other geologists. During this time, upcoming geologists earn their "wings" (or more appropriately, their "hammer") by fulfilling one or more of the following electives:
a) Date a fellow geologist
b) Sleep with a fellow geologist
c) Have an affair with a geologist
d) Have an affair with a student geologist
e) Marry a fellow geologist
f) Marry a current or former student geologist
g) Date/Marry or have an affair with a driller
h)Date/ Marry or have affair with field hand/ offsider
i) Marry a purveyor of alcohol
Combinations, or multiple repetitions of the above electives result in the true seasoning of a geologist. An informal survey of geologists at 25 of the top 30 geology programs in the US News and World Report 2005 rankings found that 84% of faculty and 78% of graduate students fulfilled at least two of the above electives. Of tenured faculty surveyed, 98% had fulfilled at least three of the above. Surveyors often examine such geological features.
[edit] The Great Geology-Geography Wars (1852 - last Tuesday, just after lunch)
For eons, animosity has existed between those folk who understand what an eon is and those who need help tying their bootlaces before a day in the field. However, the most recent escalation of violence between the two warring tribes was sparked when, over a jolly fine supper in the Atheneum Club (turbot und dill, en croute avec carpet sautee), Sir Roderick Impey Murchison was heard to say "Your mum, what!" to Dr. David Livingstone. The avid bug-huffer retired in high dudgeon and went off to sulk in Africa for years and years and years, only returning to civilization when Murchison was safely insane. And dead. In his absence, the serried ranks of the geographers could barely muster a token resistance to the all-powerful, all-conquering, and devilishly handsome (yes, even Adam Sedgwick) geologists. Final defeat came at the blood-soaked Battle of Roger Moor (similar to Marston Moor, but a bit smoother, and orange) where the geographers were ignominiously routed owing to the superior firepower of the geologists' flint-lock machine guns (but lets face it, any weapon with a rock integral to its design was always going to terrify the pants off a geographer). Annual tribute is paid by the geographers in recognition of this defeat, hence the odd obsession with tributaries often displayed by members of their race. In general, it can be said that geographers are scientists that learn less and less about more and more until they know almost nothing about almost everything, whereas geologists are scientists that learn more and more about less and less until they know almost everything about almost nothing!
[edit] The Great Geologist-Engineer Controversy
Geologists, secure in their vague estimates have forever conflicted with engineers and their need for a definitive, quantifiable answer since the building of the pyramids. The ancient Egyptian engineers had determined that the Great Pyramid would require 6961105709.356732519874886510 metric tons of stone blocks to construct. The ancient Egyptian geologists yawned and disagreed. When it turned out that only 6961105709.356732519874886509 metric tons were required, the geologists sneered and said, "I told you your calculations were wrong." The geologists, having been proven correct and superior, have been envied by engineers since that fateful day. To this day, the distinction betwen the two is quite simple, an engineer is a geologist with his brains knocked out.
Geology, being an art as much as a science, has always baffled and worried engineers, hence the engineers' defensive weapons of pocket protectors, slide rules, black socks, and eventually computers. But these have been no match for the geologist's rock hammer, hand lens, and Brunton compass (Note that the Microsoft software engineers did not even include Brunton in Word's spellcheck dictionary).
While geologists have provided mankind with massive sources of energy such as coal, gas, and flatulence, engineers have been relegated to merely designing tanks to hold these natural resources.
Geologists also outlive engineers, who bored by their pitiful existence often forsake engineering for senior management and then have to deal with geologists who have become very skilled in manager-baiting. A complex art that revolves around telling managers almost what they want to know but phrasing it in jargon and vagaries to cause minor unstable mental episodes and periods of delusion followed by depression. Many engineers end their days in cosy little rooms playing with amateur radio or trying to coax a new computer to boot up in CP/M.
Geologists by way of their vastly superior intellect and immeasurable wisdom, often bypass the senior management phase and are simply called upon to sit on boards and chair companies, whilst engineers still have to actually do things to earn money.
Then, there are those odd combo-thingies that make no sense to a typical Geologist:
The Geotechnical "Engineer", The Petroleum "Engineer", and The "Geological" Engineer.
The problem with these people is that they will never truly fit in anywhere. They will want to be qualified as both geologist and engineer, but this is impossible. The anal-retentive engineer side almost always comes out when a geologist is in the room, and the beer-belly laugh is revealed at every office function, hence the engineers shy away. The two worlds just should not mix. Alas, the poor things never saw this coming. Some will choose to hide their alter ego, but once you have that kind of brain function driven into your head, you can never go back. You can always pick the extroverted geological engineer out of a crowd. He (or she) is the one that looks at your shoes when speaking to you.
[edit] How do I become a Geologist ?
To gain employment as a geologist you must find someone willing to hire one. This, as you may well imagine, is really very difficult. In preparation one could actually learn geology first at university and then seek employment at the same university. A second, and far more practical, method is to skip university and simply go and watch some geologists at work until you get the hang of it. Then off you go to an oil company to hire out to them. Either way, in advance of employment you may be interviewed by the oil company science staff - so make sure to bone up on the science basics like the "Scientific Method" and "Avogadro ... something something". In particular you should be aware of the "Geologic Method". In a nutshell that appears to be to go find some place where oil is being drilled (geologists call this a "find"). Then get someone (known as "consultants") to spread the word that actually you started the whole play. Finally, seek speaking engagements promoting the play. This will make you an invaluable asset at the company. If you do much of this you should end up as an Exploration Manager in short order and you will then no longer have many concerns with geology and will spend your day answering e-mails.
[edit] Odd Geological Formations: Recruiting a Geologist or the Geology Trap
There are several ways that Geologists can be formed, most of them are terrible and quite unnatural. It starts with an introduction to rocks by some other lost soul. Here I will list a few of their methods:
1) Typically it begins at a third rate university when an unknowing undergrad is lured into the Geology Department by "pretty" rocks. "You like those?" "We've got more!" they beckon... He or she was majoring in some kind of writing or art subject with no real future to speak of, which required four science credit hours for some reason, so he or she took the course in Geology. Big mistake.
The introductory course that this poor soul had to endure, along with plenty of kinesiology and marketing majors that also decided to take the "easy" science class, featured a book called "Earth" or "Blue Planet" or some other crap like that, which had definitions for words like "weather" and "climate" that these future P.E. teachers and suicidal economists just couldn't comprehend. And the writer/artist coasted by with an A-. Nice. Stick with it eh?
Then comes Mineralogy, and the selling of your soul to Satan, aka Exxon (or Halliburton) -- he goes by many names... According to Paleontology, as this student finds out, Satan is not real, or is possibly a Conodont, now fossilized and incapable of harm, and what the hell is a Conodont anyway?
Finally they finish this student off with a pagan festival called "Field Camp" and a Structural Geology class to "round him out" (Average roundness is Subangular). The student endures endless trigonometry and arbitrary measurement taking along with plenty of sandstone. "Where are all the pretty rocks?", the student mutters. Well sorry, Sally, they are not here. This is the freaking desert. That is prickly pear. This town only has one bar with four American beers. Not enough to satisfy the now overwhelming alcoholism that entered the student's life somewhere between Azurite and listric faults. And this is only the beginning. Feel the fear.
2) Retirement from some "high-tech", mental health, or medical industry and back to school. Now you are between 30 and 40, your fashion is skewed by something near 20 years, and either microchips, a threat from Jimmy the obsessive-compulsive, nymphomaniacal, self-medicating addict, or the constant flow of dead people encouraged you to study rocks. Peace of mind. Or so you think. Soon you will be wondering which direction the paleocurrents of a .05 meter dune were flowing somewhere on top of a mesa. But the fresh air will do your tired soul some good. Hell, they didn't even have to encourage you with those shiny things and colorful rocks.
3) The most odd and horrendous mutation from normal human into a Geologist that I have thus far encountered was the academic scholar. The details are all too terrible. A math professor. Rocks. That is all you need to know.
[edit] How to spot a Geologist
To spot a geologist in the wild, look for:
- Hand-lens, compass, pen-knife, handcuffs etc. tied round neck with string.
- Someone with a beard and Sandals... Jesus was a Geologist (actually, carpenters back then were also stonemasons, so there is some truth to that statement)
- Someone who owns a pet rock and is not eight (in the case of paleontologists, this will be their closest friend), with said 'pet' often found hanging from keys.
- Someone with not much enthusiasm on the subject of dinosaurs. Geologists consider an event a 'mass' extinction only if 80% of the living organisms die and get buried in sediment for conservation.
- Someone explaining to airport security that a sidewall core covered in gunpowder residue isn't really a weapon.
- Someone who only includes people in photos for scale, and has more pictures of his/her rock hammer and lens caps than of family and friends.
- Some who, if they could travel to Jupiter's moon, IO, would think the coolest part about it was the volcanoes and not the space travel.
- Someone with a collection of beer cans/bottles that rivals the size of his rock collection.
- Someone lighting a cigarette with a handlens focussing the sunlight, or a coat hanger stretched between the battery terminals of a University van.
- Someone who brings beer instead of water when hiking.
- Someone whose lunch consists of rocks, instead of ordinary bread.
- Someone who consumes tonsil-killing chili for dinner every night of the week, and warms it up in a can on the drill rig engine block.
- Someone whose child is trained to know the geologic timescale before being able to walk.
- Someone with hair in a pony-tail (this applies to male or female geologists).
- Someone who considers a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last hundred million years.
- Someone who licks and/or scratches & sniffs rocks or in case of china clay will eat it to prove its perfectly safe.
- Someone who eats dirt and claims to be "getting an estimate of grain size"
- Someone who will willingly cross an eight-lane interstate on foot to determine if the outcrops are the same on both sides.
- Someone who can pronounce the word molybdenite correctly on the first try.
- Someone who has hiked 6 miles to look at a broken fence that was "offset by a recent earthquake".
- Someone who says "this will make a nice Christmas gift" while out rock collecting.
- Someone who thinks a "sexual exploit" is lying naked on an outcrop so the satellite will photograph them on the next pass.
- Someone who hires student assistants with an eye to whether they can run slower so the bears get them first.
- Someone who can jump start a campfire in wet weather with the judicious application of a beer fart.
- Someone who from personal experience knows the difference between Arctic grade and summer grade diesel fuel.
- Someone who even on an average day in the field can make Indiana Jones look like a bit of a klutzy wuss
- Someone who looks at scenery and tells you how it formed.
- Someone whose pockets tend to be filled with bits of rock.
- Someone whose rockery moved into their spare room.
- Someone who has more pairs of hiking boots than shoes.
- Someone who wears hiking boots constantly, even for formal functions, and occasionally sandals with (obligatory) socks
- Someone who thinks of woodlice as trilobites but would tell anyone off who said so.
- Someone who, when on a beach, will collect shells and try to explain their muscle scars to you.
- Someone who prefers to explain the sequence of events shown in a cliff face to sunbathing.
- Someone whose collection of petrified wood samples is stacked like cord wood.
- Someone who plans extra time on trips to investigate road cuts along the way.
- Someone who almost crashes his/her car looking at road cuts while driving.
- Someone who often explains how their boozy coffee with whipped cream resembles a layered igneous complex.
- Someone who knows the phylum, kingdom, and genus of every ancient creature lodged in stone, some of which look nothing like an animal, but can't remember his/her mother's, or spouse's, birthday.
- Someone who uses a geologic hammer to halve a boiled egg.
- Someone who modifies his/her one yard pace to one meter in order to simplify pace-and-compass mapping.
- Someone whose radioactive ore specimen collection glows in the dark. It is so bright you can:
- use it to read by.
- illuminate your front yard.
- use it as a landing beacon.
- see it from Mars.
- Someone who can identify the chemical formula for Cummingtonite...and chuckles like a junior-high kid every time.
- Someone stuck on the side of the road without a spare tire because it was removed to make more room for samples or alcohol (or the spare is already being used on the other side of the van).
- Someone who, when asked what this rock is says, "Leverite, so leave her right there."
- Someone who walks out of a bathroom and asks if you noticed the fossils in the stall dividers.
- Someone prone to Linnean mnemonic devices such as Keep Privates Clean Or Forget Getting Screwed.
- Someone who can only relate to one "Rock Band" (besides BIF): Are We Not Men, We Are Devonian!
- Someone who enjoys their topography: Subduction leads to orogeny, and orogeny leads to relief.
- Someone who walks into an art museum and looks at the floors and columns commenting on the stylolites and fossils, rather than looking at the paintings.
- Someone whose shorts expose way more leg than you ever wanted to see.
- Someone who rocks the party and is the schist everywhere they go.
- Someone who can say, "Gneiss Cleavage" or talks about slaty cleavage and means it in a non-derogatory sense.
- Someone who takes special interest in your granite countertops in the kitchen and after a few minutes will even produce handlenses before giving other guests an igneous petrology lesson.
- Someone who gets really upset when the countertop, which is obviously mafic/aphanitic/metamorphic, is called granite and takes 20 minutes to tell you why you're wrong.
- Someone who can’t use a street map because it doesn’t have contour lines.
- When helping someone move and you ask "is this box full of rocks?" They answer "yes, be careful."
If you remain unsure, ask the subject to draw an annotated diagram of a trilobite. A true geologist will immediately reach for their waterproof notebook - this is your opportunity for escape.
