Geordies

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“'Old on ya bugger I may be a Macker, but wor language is well canny!”

~ Ya Bugger on Sommert

“We save your ass in Waterloo and we get no thanks”

~ Royal Bear Force on Geordies

“Wellll Ayyyyyye!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Geordies

“Newcastle? Don't you need shorts before you go there, dear boy?”

~ Noel Coward on Newcastle and Geordies

Contents

[edit] Who are Geordies

Geordies are from the planet Newcastle. As seen on Auf Weidersehn Pet Natives of Newcastle distinct from the Cockernees, Brummies, Scousers, Mancs, Tykes, Weegies, Norfolkers, Mackems, Smoggies, Woolybacks, East Anglaliens, and Kalahari. Geordies are known for their ability to fly, to perform millions of calculations per second and eat pasties for breakfast despite their IQ of 0.1. Many Geordies also have an ability to communicate with the dead during a full moon and a solar eclipse.

[edit] Prerequisites for classification as a Geordie:

  • Of been born on a very rough, inner city estate somewhere in Newcastle
  • Be a supporter of Newcastle United
  • Be able to down at least 10 pints of bear before feeling the slightest bit intoxicated
  • Own a Newcastle united shirt
  • Have no qualifications of any educational value
  • Own a Newcastle United scarf
  • Live a life of beer, tabs, and sex.
  • Be able to speak the Geordie language fluently
  • Have been to at least 2 Newcastle United football club matches
  • Acknowledge that the only true drink in the whole world is Newcastle brown ale
  • Have been involved in at least 1 football riot (male Geordie's only)
  • Have at least a dozen of your family living within 1/2 a mile of you
  • Know all the Newcastle United managers since its founding by heart
  • Be able to flare your nostrils to the extent that they become triangular (females only)
  • Feel obliged to just look after someone elses money without asking through the kindness of your own heart
  • Have been to all the nightclubs in newcastle before you're tenth birthday
  • And lastly survive the freezing temperatures of the Arctic wearing only Newcastle United football shorts.

[edit] Warrior culture among Geordie males

The brick is revered as an elegant and deeply spiritual weapon throughout the world; but no culture is more deeply intertwined with this mysterious alien artifact than that of the Geordies. Elite Geordie warriors are taught over many decades to perfect their brick throwing technique; which in special cases can result in almost supernatural abilities. Tapestries of a Geordie warrior poet in the 16th Century tell the tales of "Dave", who could throw a brick through the wall of a castle (which would keep going and smash a southern noble in the 'heed'). More recently, Geordies were employed as field surgeons in the first world war; their ability to perform intricate neurosurgery with nothing more than half a breeze block are considered to be major factor in the allied victory.

The american military has yet to devise a tank capable to defeating a really drunk Geordie. There are currently high hopes for the "Fucking yeah freedom war machine, praise Jesus!" Mk.II, and if initial tests run smoothly the technology will be sold to the critically ill-equipped Newcastle police force.


[edit] Language

Also called Geordie, this is an ancient language shared with Jesus Christ, Mr T and the Jedi Knights.

[edit] Origins

Geordie is derived from several other languages, chiefly Gaelic, Norse, Trollish, Hebrew and Swearing, and was developed by Jesus Christ when he worked in the diamond mines of outer Mongolia, to describe the experiences of working the streets at night. Despite this, it has become universally recognised as the language of love, and was the language employed by Lord Vader, a native of Jarra, in all of his most romantic poems about Donald Trump. Sadly, these have all been translated into English, and the originals have been lost. Scholars are known to have wept for days on reading some of his more poignant metaphors.

He walks in baldness, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in his aspect and his balding head:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies
Canny comb over liiiiiiiiiiiike.

[edit] Spoken Geordie

True (or low) Geordie is rarely, if ever, spoken by one who is not a native of Newcastle. A notable exception being the complete cast of Ramsey Street. Only a chosen few non Geordies are allowed to speak the language after many years of personal tuition by Jesus Christ It is known that Princess Diana was one of the few non-native Geordie speakers of the 20th Century. If a person is caught speaking Geordie without a licence, Mr T and the Jedi Knights are authorised to use lethal force to stop them. After Vader's first public reading of "He Walks in Beauty", grown men were seen to fall into tears, as they tried to comprehend the beauty of the words, combined with Vader's harsh, rattling voice, and pauses to cough out black phlegm.

One particularly amazing quality of the Geordie language is the ability of fluent speakers to have a conversation lasting several minutes without actually exchanging any information (See vocabulary section). It is currently theorized that this is the origin of small-talk in the western world - though the more accurate standard-english translation is "fookin buhlax".

[edit] Written Geordie

As mentioned above, several poets and writers have written in Geordie, finding it's subtleties ideal for delicate romantic prose. Shakespeare wrote his tradgedies in Geordie, to add an extra shade of bittersweet longing to his work. Take for example this scene from Romeo and Juliet, considered one of the most famous love scenes in the English language:

But soft!
What light through yonder broken window?
It is the East and Jules is the sun!
Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon.
It is the east, and Jules is the sun
Fancy a swift knee-tremble in the car-park, hinney?
yes, thats it, left a bit, there we go!!

out man out man woba kning knack noo

[edit] Some Vocabulary

[edit] Etymology

The origin of the word "Geordie" is known to be wrong. Several theories have been proposed by desperate etymologisers hoping to impress bored and desperate etymologotrices at boring parties, but these are all known to be pish. Some of the more popular, but still wrong, theories are:

  • All Geordies worship their violent, sport obsessed God, Geordie LaForge, and took the name from him
  • Geordies are all ex-lovers of King Geordie Ramon, Il Diablo of Guernsey
  • The skin of Geordies resembles the pastry of pies made by the famous pieman Geordie Pordy, Pudding and Pie
  • It is derived from the Viking word for underdressed, Gee' or die

[edit] Predators

The feral badger was the chief predator of the Geordies, as it used their pelts to line its nest. Since feral badgers became extinct for failing to pay their electricity bills, Geordies have had until recently no natural enemies and have been multiplying at record rates. Without a cull, experts believe they may extend their range as far as Alnwick.

Cornish pasties, while insufficient to repel a Geordie, are so delicious you simply won't care about them tearing your legs off.

[edit] Famous Geordies

And that dude you see next door staring at your every move.

[edit] Non-Famous Geordies

  • Frank Gallagher
  • My Auntie Gwenda
  • That tramp that shouts "Arseholes" at passers-by


There are three different types of sexes male, female and geordies, damn geordies.

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