George Costanza
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“Middle-aged, stocky, bald, count me in!”
~ Oscar Wilde on George Costanza
I don't mean to brag, but I happen to be a very important fictional character on the sitcom Seinfeld. Yes, Jason Alexander was very good in my role. You would never have known I wasn't a real person. I'm a natural.
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[edit] Personality
So, George, haven't you been described as a "short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man"?
Yes, yes I have. I'm not proud of it. It's a real source of neurosis - this voice in my head keeps telling me I'm going to fail at everything I do: work, love, everything! I'm always trying to get out relationships. Women make me uncomfortable. Well, there's the sex, but other than that!
What is your level of education?
I did graduate from high school.
At the bottom of your class.
...Yes.
[edit] Friends
With all your... crippling personality flaws, do you have any friends?
As a matter of fact I do.
Who would you say is your best friend?
I would have to go with Jerry Seinfeld. We hang out sometimes in his apartment. Shoot the breeze. I wouldn't go so far as to say we're the best friends ever. I'm just saying, the kids in the cancer ward will never have anything like that. Out of sensitivity, though, I must acknowledge their suffering. Yes, Jerry's my kindred spirit. Just, not in a romantic way.
In a romantic way?
Tsh, you know what I mean! It's not a romantic thing!! We're... we're not doing.. that!
I am beginning to have doubts about your sexuality.
You wouldn't be the first. Kramer's always saying that. "You're going to wind up like a banana, George!"
What's this "Kramer" guy like?
Oh, he's Jerry's next door neighbor. Bursts in on us, with something like, "Oooh, some civil engineers broke into my apartment yesterday. The place is full of water. Water, Jerry!" It's very annoying. I've always been envious of his tallness, though. He's a male specimen.
[edit] Economic status
Moving on... isn't it true you were unemployed for a long period of time, and living with your parents?
Yes, my mother and father are very dear to me. I stayed home and regrettably between jobs to care for them. My father, he has terrible Rhodesia in his left leg. We called in a Dr. Vandalay to take a look at it. He said it was serious.
You're lying again, aren't you?
...Yes.
Where do you work now?
I work with the New York Yankees organization. Ah, the good old Yanks! Great sluggers.
They stink. What's it like working at the baseball stadium?
Now, I'm not one to criticize my boss behind his back, but Mr. Steinbrenner's...let's just say, he's fairly full of himself.
I'm Mr. Steinbrenner's son, and I'll make sure to pass on your message.
I meant it in the best possible way.
[edit] Day-to-day life
What's a day like in the life of George Costanza?
Well, I get up, check my clothing for fleas, go downstairs, sneak past The Leering Lady. She's always hanging out below my building. It's like she's trying to ambush me! I tell you, she's a real "feminine holster" if you ask me.
A feminine holster?
....It's a word I made up. Anyways, I beat the traffic snarl by leaving at 10:00 and get in just in time to polish Mr. Steinbrenner's shoes.
10:00? How do you avoid being caught coming in late?
I have a system. Now, there was something strange... Dr. Steinbrenner always puts vinegar on his bagels. Have you ever heard of that? I once called him on it in the restaurant. Luckily, I was able to pin it on a waiter.
You've managed to weasel out of some very tight squeezes.
What can I say? It's a gift.
Are there any other dark secrets you'd like to reveal?
Well, there was this one time. Me, Elaine, and Kramer were in the coffee shop, and we overheard Monosyllabic Guy talk about his niece. Apparently, she was engaged to some guy from Queens. But he came to the wedding in a brand-new car. And I thought to myself, "Who buys their bride a car?"
You are a contemptible little loser, and I must be going now. Good day.
Wait, come back! It was a kosher question! You hear, me, kosher!!
[edit] See Also
 Article written in the style of its subjectThis article is funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are an ignorant cultural philistine who does not recognise this without explanation. If you still do not find the article funny, that is probably because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. If you hadn't been so ignorant, then you wouldn't have needed to have the joke explained to you in the first place. |
