George Dubya Bush
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| Order: | 43th President | |
| Vice President: | Dick Cheney | |
| Term of office: | 2001 – May 23rd, 1998 | |
| Preceded by: | Slick Willie Blythe | |
| Succeeded by: | another dumbass | |
| Date of birth: | July 6, 1946 | |
| Place of birth: | Barbara's Bush New Haven, CT | |
| First Lady: | A Different One Every Night, though most of them were really men with wigs | |
| Political party: | Republitard | |
George âGeneralissimus Maximusâ Dubya Bush (born July 6, 1946) is the forty-third and final president of the Totalitarian American Empire. Bush was "elected" in a close election against challenger Al Gore in the 2000 Presidential Rip-off, and then re-elected by voters in 2004. He previously served as the forty-sixth Governor of Hickville from 1995 to 2000, and is the eldest son of former United States president George H. W. Bush, from who he got his platinum spoon.
George, or Georgie as called by people close to him, is a member of the Republican Party, also known as the Screw The Peasants Party. He is known for his unconventional style of politics, such as aiming a stream of urine at his opponents, and screeching while jumping up and down on them. His working day consists of finger-painting and pasting macaroni on official government documents (something Dick Cheney has repeatedly told him is a âno-noâ). He loves non-alcoholic beer and sugar-free frozen treats, and spends most of his time in his ranch, taking 3 naps a day and posing for photos where he pretends to be clearing brush. He is also one of the people sought after by the Killer Sheep for revenge.
In his rare public appearances he is assisted by Dick Cheney, who conceals himself under a podium so he can stick his hand up Bush's ass and use him as a ventriloquist's dummy. This makes it much easier for poor lil' Georgie, who just isn't made for difficult presidential duties like "readin'" and "writin'" and "listenin' to them poopyhead congressmen and the public".
Life of the Anti-Christ
Supreme Warlord and Decider George Walter Bush is noted for:
- Being one of the most intelligent , well-meaning and truly capable Presidents ever to rule America with a pink, frilly fist, and the only one to consistently tell the truth. He admitted to having sex with squirrels and Border Collies in his youth. (Truth...oh god, the hideous truth.)
KillingLiberating (CIA censored) the people of Iraq by relieving more than 655,000 of them from the day-to-day struggle of living.- The War Against Terror (TWAT). This is an entirely peaceful means of bringing about change in the county of Iraq, and is widely regarded as necessary.
- Fostering an epidemic of Bush Hatred Syndrome, an illness which first infected liberals, but which now affects 65% of the American public and 95% of the world. Symptoms include an irrestible urge to condemn Bush's every action, to compare him to dictators and mass murderers, and to blame him for every evil of the world, including natural disasters, global warming, global cooling, and routine traffic accidents. (A similar affliction called CHS, or Clinton Hatred Syndrome is rampant among inbred rednecks and other Republicans in the USA but is uncommon outside the US.) BHS is caused by a parasitic worm, which terrorists cultivate in their digestive system, before intentionally infecting God fearing Americans. Despite this, a resounding 26% of Americans inexplicably still approve of the way Bush is governing the country. This compares with 29% who approve of the common cold.
Debauched Youth
Born in New Haven, Connectthedots, Bush was the first son of George H. W. Bush and Barbara Bush. Bush was raised in Midland and Houston, Texas, with his vile siblings, Jeb, Neil, and Marvin. As a child, George W. wished to be an astronaut, but when he grew up he found that NASA wasn't sending chimps into space anymore... and if they still did, they'd be SMART ONES. His hopes crushed, little George started abusing cough medicine by the gallon and was soon a raging alcoholic as well.
George was initially home-schooled because doctors believed he was autistic and he was unable to stop eating his Crayolas. (Lie- they were biros!) Graduating at five spots above the bottom of his high school class, Bush was immediately accepted into Yale under the Ivy League school's Affirmative Action Program for Mentally Retarded, Coked-up Sons of Prominent Alumni. Although Bush has claimed he was an average student, classmates recall him as "a fucking idiot". His school records mysteriously disappeared in 2000, at the same time as his Texas National Guard records.
At school, Bush learned valuable skills that would come in handy when he was later appointed to rule the world by the Supreme Court, like how to get everyone else to do the hard work. And take credit for things he didn't do. Also avoiding blame when anything goes wrong. In his adult years, he would call this delegatin'.
He single-handedly (AWOL in military jargon) saved the Divided States (United then) from VietCongs during the last stage of the Vietnam War in Texas. After returning from military service, he joined his brothers Jeb and Bill O'Reilly in the short-lived band "The Underachieving Sons of Wealthy Sugar-Daddies", in which he played the jugs to all manner of songs by the Beverley Sisters. The band had local success before splitting up due to their out-of-control heroin use.
He Reproduces
Bush entered the oil industry in Texas. In 1977, he married Laura Welch, a librarian who taught him such basic skills as writing his name and having intercourse. They married and settled in Midland, Texas. Georgie has brought 2 drunken daughters into this world and a syphilitic dog named Chumpo. All of Bush's children are proud members of Alcoholics Anonymous, as are George and Laura. All except Dubya are also members of the Shoot Him Hard In The Empty Head Foundation for Political Imbecility Liquidation. Chumpo is currently under investigation in connection with a string of sex murders in the Abilene area.
Dubya was treated in 1972 for delerium tremens. The attending physician (who was found to be practicing without a license) removed part of Bush's skull and most of his brain, then patched up the missing bone and tissue with chimpanzee body parts. After the procedure only a very small part of his original human brain, the part that controls bodily functions, was left. His instincts and thought processes became those of a monkey, but this worked to his advantage when he entered politics and learned to obey commands from his trainer Karl Rove (and later from political death-cult leader Dick Cheney).
Entry into Politics
In 1978, Bush ran for the U.S. House of Representatives from the 19th Congressional District of Texas. After losing by over a million votes, he returned to the oil industry, becoming a senior partner or chief executive officer in several major scams. Despite Bush's apparent anti-gay stance, he was actually an active homosexual in the 80's, abandoning his family for men. He had affairs with John Cleese, Michael Jackson, George Michael, Your Dad, Mike Patton, Tom Cruise, Dick Cheney, Trent Lott, Johnny Rebel, Spongebob Squarepants, Karl Rove, your mom, Rob Halford, that guy from Testament, and Tommy Pickles. Bush reverted back to heterosexuality when his father told him every time you think a homosexual thought, the Flying Spagetti Monster devours a kitten.
Bush purchased a share in the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in April 1989, and then demonstrated his business acumen by trading Sammy Sosa for a bag of crack. That year, the lifelong cocaine-abusing junkie and low achiever was born again after a grueling month of masturbation to Pat Robertson's exorcism cassette tapes. He soon discovered his true talents: stuttering on national television, running from public service that isn't "fun," and publicly showing off his lack of intelligence in the form of a visible herpes outbreak of the eyes.
Road To Presidency
On October 23, 1993, in a drunken press conference, Bush declared his candidacy for the 1994 Texas gubernatorial election, then threw up, staggered backwards with his pants at his ankles, and fell over. His political career was launched. After beating some other Republican dildo in the primary, Bush faced incumbent Governor Ann Richards, a popular Democrat. Bush, trailing badly in the polls, hired his unbelievably slimy pal Karl Rove as a consultant. With Rove providing winning slogans like "Ann Richards wants to kill your puppy with a power drill" and "She's Hitler with tits", Texas voters elected Bush in a landslide.
He was happy in this ceremonial and undemanding job until God, speaking off the record, told him that He could fix it for Bush to win the presidential election in 2000. Soon Dubya had raised enough money to be taken seriously despite being a drooling imbecile. The campaign Bush conducted was known for its violent acts against political opponents, including an incident where, escaping from his handlers, he hurled feces at John McCain and bit the moderator during a televised candidates' forum. Voters liked what they saw, and gave Bush a strong second-place finish behind Al Gore. Bush's equally incompetent brother Jeb, asking "How come Georgie doesn't get to be president just because the meany U.S. public doesn't want him?", prevailed upon the Supreme Court to tilt the table a little, and Georgie "was elected" president.
In 2005, President George W. Bush declared himself Generalissimo Bush and hired a tailor to make him a "cool dictator kinda space suit". Thus began a period of military/fascist rule over the country under newly appointed Emperor Dick Cheney, who made all Bush's decisions for him. To keep him happy, Cheney let him ride Air Force 1 and change the American flag from white stars to white crosses. Then a couple of months later pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers were added to the flag, reportedly at Bush's request ("YUM, lucky charms!" he said).
George Dubya Bush then made a powerful speech that announced that America was a fascist nation to the entire world. All hail the mighty newly formed American Empire!! Seig Heil!! Seig Heil!!
"Es ist Zeit fĂźr Rache, Wir mĂźssen die Mikaeler Mooren und Clintonismus ausrotten und stinkener liberaler!!" (It is time for revenge! We must eliminate terrorists!!) — A few lines in Spanish from Bush's emotive inauguration speech.
Key Decision Makers of the Bush Administration
President Bush has appointed many upstanding citizens to key posts in his administration:
Karl Rove is one of George W Bush's closest and dearest advisors and he served as the Secretary of Propaganda in the Bush Administration until the end of August, 2007, when he joined the other rats fleeing the sinking ship left his position to spend more time with his family.
Wars and other conflicts
"ACK! Hghk chahk *cough* kha!"
~ George W. Bush on pretzels
George W. Bush has taken a firm stand against America's enemies, the evil nations who have not accepted George W. Bush as The One. Identifying 188 countries that make up an "axis of evil", he has pledged to bring them freedom and to win the hearts and minds of the world. People in every nation want to see the American Empire take over the world. They love Oprah. They love American haircuts. Everyone now LOVES The American Empire. Republicans are delighted about this, as it fuels the profitable war machine. All hail the American Empire, because if you don't absolutely love us WE WILL FUCKING INVADE YOU. We are serious we know where you live!!
In 2000, Saudi Arabia attacked the Divided States. George nuked them. Oil was secured. Not a single American was hurt. Collateral damages negligible. Taxpayers loved Georgie. Arabian people now enjoy American haircuts without curse of the flat top. War criminals are shaven, fed Doritos, and photographed naked with hilbilly bitches riding them like horsies. The war is dirt cheap and magic mushrooms are found. The Saudi people accept Jesus as their personal savior and the new government becomes America's best friend.
In 2001, Afghanistan attacked the American Empire. George invaded them. Oil was secured. Not a single American was hurt. Collateral damages negligible. The war was dirt cheap and the golden chocolate-chip cookie was found. The new government becomes a friend.
In 2002, France and Germany attacked the American Empire by voting against Bush in the UN. George threw a tantrum. Oil and Bratwurst were secured. Not a single American was hurt. Collateral damages negligible. The American Empire also received Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, Belgium and the Netherlands in the deal for a minor league prospect to be named later.
In 2003, iRaq attacked the American Empire, when Saddam aimed his Moustache of Mass Destruction at America in a threatening manner. George liberated Iraq in a brilliantly executed war, GIs sagged under the load of candy and flowers tossed by grateful smiling Shiites and Sunnis, and the MMD was shaved off. The new government is a part of the American Empire.
In 2004, North Korea attacked the American Empire. No wait they had weapons of mass destruction. Some shit like that. ANYWAY They were wrong. We were right. Georgie gave them a stern warning and they fainted. Oil was secured. Not a single American was hurt. The war is dirt cheap and Pirate DVDs are found. Kim Jong Il becomes a key US ally.
In 2005, Bush saw a television program that explained the Domino Theory of Communist Aggression. Alerted to this grave and growing threat, he immediately phoned the FBI, demanding that they locate "the evildoer Fats Domino". Fearing a backlash if he attacked the beloved New Orleans musician, Bush sent the Army Corps of Engineers to "make it look like an accident". Bush "fixed" the levees, then went on vacation and waited for Katrina. Population decimated, insurrection suppressed, mission accomplished! Not a single Republican was hurt. Bush's approval rating skyrockets among party faithful.
Also in 2005, China attacked the American Empire with breaches of copyright. They were evil and they were wrong. Georgie called them terrorists and threatened to authorize use of new "rice-seeking" nuclear missiles against them. Chinese Communist Party backed down, declared Bush new Party head and supreme leader of China. Crisis averted, Bush wins Nobel Peace Prize.
Later that year, under the direction of Emperor Dick Cheney, Bush proposed "improvements" on Reagan's Star Wars project to turn it into the American Empire Death Star. Fearing that there was an imminent threat of "Space Terrorists", he requested $25 trillion to build the Death Star and take it to Venus, Mars, Saturn, Jupiter, and Mercury, which were thought to be harboring terrorists.
Troubled by intelligence reports indicating that the sun emits radiation, Bush declared that the terrorists must be hiding radioactive "dirty bombs" on the sun. In a televised speech, Bush laid out the threat to the American people: "If we don't build a $25 trillion nukular space bazooka to destroy the sun, the terrists win!!!" Development is due to start this year, under exclusive no-bid contracts to Bush's companies.
Laws passed under George W. Bush
In 2001, George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq to leave their children behind, even if they've been blown to bits by random mass bombings. Implementation was problematic until Congress passed the "Soldier Age Reduction Act" of 2006, allowing for the deployment of service members' children as young as 10.
In 2005, George W. Bush passed legislation that added the 28th amendment to the US Constitution, banning human clothing. He wrote the amendment all by himself. With crayons. Emperor Cheney was reportedly "very proud of the lil' feller."
In 2005, George W. Bush proposed a bill that would make him the Supreme Chancellor of the Senate. He also proposed that in war-time, he could be given emergency powers and assemble a Supreme Army of the Republicans with which to fight the evil Democratic Separatists. At war's end, he would relinquish those powers. Once Bush took his seat, however, he figured out he didn't know what to do since he was a complete imbecile. Soon afterwards all power was relinquished to Emperor Dick Cheney. All hail Emperor Dick Cheney!! SEIG HEIL!!
In 2006 and, uuh, George W. Bush wrote the 29th amendment banning the letter ∩. This is his crowning achievement as it means all Americans can now live free of the terrible letter ∩.
In 2007, George W. Bush wrote the 30th amendment banning publication of the "list of Laws Passed under George W. Bush" on Uncyclopedia.
Other important events
In 2001, George W. Bush was diagnosed with "cranial rectalosis". Doctors define this as "the state or condition of having your head up your ass", and speculate that he got it from Ann Coulter while taping an episode of Fox News.
In 2002, George W. Bush got so frustrated by his inability to find Osama Bin Laden that it began affecting his golf stroke. Furious, he implemented his new "Ignore Him and He'll Go Away" Policy. So far it seems to be working...I mean, have you seen the goat-fucker around since? And people criticise Bush.
In 2002, while George W. Bush was presenting Steve Nash with a plaque to honor him with becoming the NBA's International Delegate for Peace and Justice, Nash suddenly attempted to stab Bush with a broken syrup bottle. He was subdued and went on to receive his plaque.
In March 2003, George W. Bush engaged in a much publicized chess game wherein his opponent was a pineapple. The event was caught on high definition tape by Les Blank, famous for such other documentaries as Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe.
Emperor Dick Cheney later had the pineapple chopped up and thrown into a fruit salad which he ravenously ate as punishment for its unsubordination. The American Empire WILL NOT TOLERATE unsubordination!!!
In 2006, it was also discovered that he is a "cretinoid coprocephalic," the medical terminology for "stupid shithead." Finally, an explanation for the War in Iraq!
Late in 2006 Bush decided that trips to the vet for the family dog were getting too expensive. He performed an anal probe himself to verify the dog's health.
Major platforms
After debuting as the only survivor of a Kamikaze Air National Guard Unit, in 2000 George W. Bush was elected the 39th Master of the Universe, hailed as the "Great Defecator", the bridge over the Democrat/Republican Schism. Over the next several years he stopped the bitter feuding between ants and focused the country on important goals, such as the raising of the Titanic and equal rights for hummingbirds with bipolar depression. The country rallied behind him and his goals, re-electing him with 12% of the vote in 2004, coinciding with his exhaustive and noble efforts at fostering peace between east-coast and west-coast rappers, and helping white rapper Vanilla Ice to win another record deal in the process. He also continued his subtle agenda to stop global warming and save the environment by discontinuing all government purchases of non-renewable resources and closing all non-Texan-owned oil wells. At the Kyoto Conference, he outlined a worldwide plan to burn retarded children as a source of renewable fuel, so as to stop all ozone production worldwide by the year 2010.
Lastly, his budget plans — widely accepted to be the greatest achievements in financial history after 345 BC — managed to turn the mere 7 trillion dollar national debt into unheard of quadrillions. Riding on a huge wave of unprecedented popularity, he convinced Congress to stop payment on all debts except for China, which "is my second Lord and Master after Our Lord Jesus Christ."
Science as a point of view
George Bush's totalitarian capitalist views have led him to the obvious conclusion that science is merely a slightly unruly branch of the legal system. He advocates Intelligent design being taught in schools (see Fallacy), and is in good company with many who feel that it should be taught to Microsoft. While he has never commented publicly, many commentators have suggested his views on intelligent design arose because he finds it hard to believe that evolution could result in a human society stupid enough to elect him. Subversive organisations like the National Academy of Sciences have been exposed as outdated adherents of such barbaric practices as 'research' and even the obscene 'peer review'. Their theorems have been comprehensively disproven by teams of crack lawyers led by Keith Chegwin, who have proven beyond reasonable doubt that Global Warming is a breach of the 29th Amendment of the Constitution and therefore impossible. The validity of this position was further strengthened by renowned sciento-lobbyist Myron Ebell who has no hidden agenda, and anyone who says otherwise will be sued by his employer, Exxon.
Alternative cartography
George Bush, along with Dan Quayle, invented an academic alternative to traditional cartography and boldly scorned the use of higher mental functions when leading others. According to Bush's genuine method, Canada is next to Mexico, Osama bin Laden is from Iraq instead of Saudi Arabia, Chicago is a state, and Africa is a country. More and more scholars have accepted this method and jettisoned the outdated "scientific" model.
Green Values, Poverty and Crime
President Bush has long been against binding international treaties, such as the Kyoto Agreement, for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. The reason is that he is a staunch believer that incentives to the private sector and industry R&D will take care of the problem.
Mr Bush also believes Santa will solve poverty in the third world and is a strong proponent in engaging Tarzan to solve international crime.
In a recent statement to Cheney, Bush said "Dick, look at the tobacky industry, when we just left them alone, they showed they care and did some real effortin' ".
George W. Bush the person
There is widespread speculation about George W. Bush's IQ. Generally, it is believed to be below that of the average Republican, which is exceptionally low; it may even be below zero. It is now far more common to speculate on Bush's SQ, which is believed to be off the scale.
Bush is known to play a mean fiddle with his pinkies and fourth fingers when he is not conquering the universe. He had a huge contribution to the Nightwish songs "Planet Hell" and "End of Hope". To relax after killing whiney pinkos, he "chills out" to "groovy choons" from a diverse palette of musicians, from Garth Brooks to U2. He is also known to have a soft spot (although not for long) for Britney Spears, but only buys her DVDs because "the fucker can't sing to save her midriff."
George Bush has been featured in several hip-hop jams [1].
As his regime approaches its scheduled end, Bush has spent most of his time secluded in his bunker at his ranch in Texas and has seldom been seen on the outside.
Achievements and accomplishments
In 2001 George W. Bush became the first President to be awarded the Public Safety Officer Medal of Valor. Of course, as the first President to be in power after the award was created, this was not that surprising. He was given the medal for his exceptional bravery during the events of September 11, when he listened to a bunch of kids reading My Pet Goat while the worst attacks ever to occur on American soil were being carried out. Although critics complained that he later jumped into Air Force 1 and flew around like a panicked chicken, his press secretary put the record straight by explaining this as "a surveillance flight. He had a big telescope, and was scanning the countryside looking for the terrorists so he could personally kill them in hand-to-hand combat if he found them." A leaked memo, however, reveals that he was just trying to get My Pet Goat out of his head. He is very afraid of goats. Horses, too, which is why he is never seen anywhere near one. And birds.
George W. Bush was awarded the Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf Prize for his staunch insistence that the Iraq war is going well, that Brownie was doing a heck of a job, and that Alberto Gonzales is a man of real integrity.
He also starred in his own TV show, Everybody Hates Dubya, which somehow managed to last 8 seasons.
George W. Bush is now synonymous with failure, as recognised by Google [2].
George W. Bush in Popular Culture
The uncannily accurate world simulator, Civilisation III, included George W. Bush as a benevolent representative of the people. He is credited, along with the wise overlords of Clear Channel Communications, with finally ridding the airwaves of that scourge of country music, the Dixie Chicks.
Elsewhere, his speeches have been transcribed into prize-winning literary collections, including Um, Hm and Mm. Salman Rushdie was overheard saying, "Bush is certainly a cunning linguist." Rumors say he is also a capable cunnilingulist.
Bush has sparked a revolution of popular culture in the United States. People are returning to the old-school values and old-school IQ levels. The "in" thing is shifting from drugs and baggy pants to cowboy hats, invading foreign countries and saying "huh?". On New Year's Day 2006 he officially opened the George Bush Themepark, along with his pet rock, Terry.
In 2006 a documentary was released about the childhood of (Curious) George W. Bush.
Trivia
- In 2003, he was listed in The Observer as one of the 50 funniest acts in British comedy.
- In an interview when asked where England is Dubya reported said, "I don't like countries I haven't heard of." And when Dubya spoke to British Prime Minister Tony * Blair on this subject, Blair said "Are you mad?", then promptly suffered a cerebral vascular accident (a stroke) by the explosive loss of IQ points from being in close proximity to Dubya.
- George W. Bush was rated the worst leader in the history of the world by National Geographic Magazine in 2002.
- After making a speech at NASA in 2004, NASA scientists Fred Robster and Ghengis Khan discovered George W. Bush to be the Densest Object in the Known Universe. They made this remarkable (yet unsurprising) discovery using a block of lead, a flashlight, and a piece of toilet paper.
- George Bush really does not care about black people—the token black christian-fundie mentally handicapped woman is merely for making Affirmative Action quotas look silly.
- George W. Bush is the White Ranger that holds a key to one of the five Robot Lions that can form Ultra Jesus. He attributes his lack of concentration on America to his involvement in Ultra Jesus' constant battles against Rosie O'Donnel Mark 2.
- Second worst super hero only behind Aquaman stuck in the desert.
- George W. Bush is believed to the the biblically prophesized Angel of Pestilence since everything he talks about or attends withers and dies (e.g the economy, Iraq, the America's Summit, etc.)
- He hates the Flat Earth Society because Earth is dome-shaped and stands on an infinite pile of giant turtles anyways.
- Despite his apparent lack of intelligence, Mensa made Bush an honorary member when they realized there were no Republicans within the organization. Bush's induction into Mensa was slammed by Howard Dean as "unaffirmative action."
- He is the only nominee for the Whole-Planet Darwin Awards, but isn't expected to win as he might survive his nuclear policies (along with Waylon Smithers) even if no one else does.
- A supporter of George W. Bush is called a fucking retard. A detractor is called an American, or resident of the rest of the entire planet.
- Is the main donator to uncyclopedia, for purpose of serving as a bad example so he can shut down the internet as useless.
- Bush achieved a first place ranking in Richard Simmons "Sweating Your Fat Ass Off To The Hokey Pokey" marathon by sprinkling steroids and methamphetamines on his Cap'n Crunch.
- Bush was never a 'junkie'! He was only known to snort cocaine in his adolesence and then only during very special occasions.
- At Laura's urging he went cold turkey in 2000 and quit sniffing glue, with exceptions only on weekends, on weekdays after 3pm, and before important speeches.
- Nobody has yet translated his personal language into anything even remotely comprehensible to human beings.
- Despite what people say, George doesn't like Barney. He prefers Biker Mice From Mars.
- That when Bush said he was "a uniter, not a divider" he meant it literally. George never did learn multiplication or division at elementary school.
- Bush reads comic books voraciously. He also likes to think of himself as a train and often circles his office, pretending to be a conductor and mimicking train noises.
George W Bush and Darwinism
Proponents of Darwin's Evolution theory praise the existence of George Bush as he provides a perfect missing link between Apes and Humans (see picture).
Quotations
For the main list of quotations, see George W. Bush (quotes).
- "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."âWashington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
- "Hmmmm, it was either weapons of mass distruction, or.....students of mass instruction? LETS INVADE!
- "I'm sorry, I don't speak Mexican"
- "Was it on par?" (On hearing of Ariel Sharon's stroke.)
- "My fellow Americans: STFU."
- "The nice thing about approval rating is it can never go negative... oh..."
- Iraq still has weapons of mass destruction, I can prove it... Just let me get the receipt out of my pocket.
- Ya know Laura, what is with Al Franken? He thinks he's a genius just cause he did some acting on Saturday Night Live and that his political views are smart."
- Jon Stewart: "Quit calling me Laura!"
- Fry him. -- when referring to a recently convicted murderer.
- Fry him. -- when referring to a recently caught wild turkey.
- Fry him. -- when referring to a recently uncooked freedom fry.
- Fry him. -- when referring to Dick Cheney's electroconvulsive therapy. The doctor was asking how much voltage to use.
- Thompson, my dad's buddy wants you to lay off him. Pass the coke. (To journalist Hunter S. Thompson)
- I am against gay marriage. I am also against widespread literacy and the refrigeration of food.
- America: love it or move to Canada.
- Is it chicken, or is it fish?" (When looking at a can of "chicken of the sea" tuna)
- Jesus Christ, do I have to do another State of the Union tonight? Fuck this shit; being the President is hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work.
- It's hard work.
- There is no reason to ever allow any country to harbor Weapons of Math Instruction.
- You forgot Poland!
- I like Wild Turkey, but brother, Wild Turkey don't like me!
- The Iraqians have PUNS OF MASSIVE CIVILISATION. Saddam has a bunker of nukulars where he smokes them with oil-fuelled lighters. We must go in there and liberate the oil-fuelled lighters. God bless amurika. Terra terra terra terra 9/11 9/11 9/11 we are going to inishate a "shawk n chicken raw" campaign against the massive puns of civilisation. Thank you amurika and remember to always not forget "YOU FORGOT POLAND".
- Hey I said stop quoting me! Cut that out! Put that fucking pencil down right now motherfucker!"
- Hey Dick,why don't we put toll booths up in Tora Bora. Iraq is paying off, Afghanistan is a bust financially.
- Laura, didya git that there Clapper hooked up to one of my nukular missiles yet?
- And now let's look at the weather map which is everything else, but dry.
- That was oblivious that people either vote 'yes' or 'no'.
- "Iraq my fault?...yea?...Well...erm...God told me to do it."
- "My fellow Invertabrates, this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship. Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well. As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program. A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region. And also because it's a program that has not once featured the Fonz. But be warned, King Kong. Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth"
- "I believe human beings and fish can live in peace."
- "The French have no word for Entrepreneur"
- "My fellow astronauts"
- "My fellow underevolved shit-throwers"
- "My fellow Texan pot-bellied fighting orangutangs"
- "Why does asparagus make my pee smell funny?"
- "Yes goddammit I have more waffles than a house of pancakes."
- "When I think, it hurts real bad up here."
- "My name is George Dubya Bush. Won't you be my friend?"
- "They non-anti-non-anti-un-non-un-un-anti-un-non-misunderestimated me."
- "Nancy Pelosi gave me a thumping, shows what I know! Why didn't Laura save me, I was nearly aborted but she agreed she wanted to work with me as she sat on my chest. A lot of new Congressmen and women got a seat that day."
- "And you see the thing is- the thing is- that you have two cows. And these cows- they- they're- fighting for the good of this nation. I don't see how the Democrats can deny this. Because these cows- they're the ones who will be hurt if we pull out of Iraq. You cannot want to leave Iraq, without wanting these cows to fail. And failure- it isn't winning. Its the opposite- losing. And these cows don't want to lose. They want to protect this nation, from themselves, and from me."
| Clear! (file info) |
| George - with Co-lin in his thoughts - makes an interesting Freudian slip. |
Impeachment proceedings
The senate has recently moved to impeach Bush after allegations that he used his brain. A leading ultra-radical conservative said that it seriously risked national security and several countries may have to be nuked as a result. The CIA denied any possibility of it happening stating that aliens are the more likely cause.
The last president to be impeached was That Guy Whatsisname, who did not sleep through terror attacks and preside over the destruction of New Orleans.
Re-election Campaign
Bush has recently announced that he intends to run for a third term due to wartime epansions of executive power. When asked about the constitutional amendment specifically denying him the ability, he responded, "[the 22nd amendment] doesn't seem to understand that we're at war here. If we just start changing presidents in the middle of a fight, we're gonna get hit again. Besides, Congress authorized me to run for a third term when they authorized me to use force in Iraq."
The campaign slogan is provisionally "We are all in a whole lot of danger, so be afraid. No, not the kind of danger that implies Bush failed to make us safe, the other kind that just make you vote Republican." but is expected to be shortened by November.
Revisions
Bush has had two recent revisions: see George Bush 2.0. The other revision was withdrawn from the market after it transpired that he couldn't spell that either.
Pictures and other media resources
A few words from our President
See also
- Bush Family
- Mountain Goat
- Laser Goat
- Crawford, Texas
- WMD(Donuts)
- Talk Like George Bush Day
- Satan
- Dumbass
- Hitler
- Fascist
- Declaration of war on Iraq
- Leatherface
- 666
- immigrant dodgeball
- Everybody Hates Dubya
- Uncanada
External links
- http://www.whitehouse.gov
- http://www.whitehouse.org
- George W. Bush Conspiracy Generator
- Speech
- Bush's first attempt at MTV
- State of the Union address
For more information
- 1. go to www.google.com
- 2. type in "miserable failure"
- 3. click "I'm feeling lucky"
- 4. Lather, rinse, repeat
| Preceded by: Bill Clinton | President of the United States 2001-2009 AB | Succeeded by: Dick Cheney {{succession box| |
| Preceded by: Richard M. Nixon | NinethEmperor of the United States 2001 - Armageddon | Succeeded by: Jesus
|
| Preceded by: Satan | Leader of Al-Qaida 1901-1922 AD | Succeeded by: VäinÜ Tanner |
| Holders of lion keys to Ultra Jesus |
| Black Ranger: George W. Bush | Green Ranger: Bill Gates | Blue Ranger: Jerry Falwell | Pink Ranger: Britney Spears | Red Ranger: Margaret Thatcher | Everything Else Ranger: Etc |
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| Featured version: 2 April 2005 |
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