George III
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“George III? Fuck that nigger! I'll fucking kill that motherfucker!!! ”
~ Oscar Wilde on George III
George III, or George 3.0 as he was known in Silicon Valley venture capital circles, is best remembered as being the King of England at the time the British lost control of the 13 colonies that became the United States.
George was later awarded India as a consolation prize. Although George became fabulously wealthy subletting cheap Indian labor to American call centers, he never got over the American Revolution, and died of a massive coronary while desperately dreaming of having makeup sex with Ben Franklin.
[edit] The War
The problem arose when George III discovered that the colonists were telling the other kings that nobody liked him. In a huff, George ordered troops to the colonies, where they summarily administered wedgies and wet willies to all the opposition.
The reaction among the colonies led to the Boston Tea Party, generally considered the third dumbest-named event in human history, after World War II and Operation Iraqi Freedom. The colonists dumped tea shipments into the harbor of Boston.
Being an upright Brit, this really pissed George off. Who were these coffee-drinking rat bastard evangelical pricks to be dumping HIS precious tea into HIS precious harbor?
George ordered more troops to the colonies. And they did bad things, or at least that movie with Mel Gibson said so. Honestly, The Patriot sucked. Also, wasn't there a Steven Segal movie by the same name?
And this led to the Boston Massacre, the Boston Cream Pie (not as sexual as it sounds), Boston Market and eventually the Boston Red Sox.
Once the colonist had to suffer the Boston Red Sox and their goddamned fans who will never shut the fuck up about the New York Yankees, the war took on a new dimension. With the assistance of the French, the colonists surrendered to the Germans. Then George got really pissed, because they were giving away HIS shit!! Come on, that ain't cool!
So, George ordered the New York Yankees to conduct a second Boston Massacre. The Yankees, riding atop horses the breathe fire, leveled the city of Boston, killed its men and boys of fighting age, carried away it women and boys young enough to pass for women, and retreated to the Green Zone for the duration of the war.
Maybe that was fictionalized in that movie? What was that? Was that like the dream sequence at the end of the Newhart TV show? Was the whole war just a dream?
Maybe that was in Johny Tremain. I don't know. I mean, there was that Howard Zinn book... but, did anyone ever actually read that, or did we all just piss it off and tell our professor, "Yeah, sure... whatever ... uh, huh... it was good... sure."?
Next time, don't assign shit you heard about in a movie... Christ? What has this academic world come to?
So, eventually the British lost.
[edit] Plunge into insanity
After losing the war, George 3.0 went insane. Being King of Britain, his orders still had to be obeyed. One of the many changes he did was the ban of toothbrushes and showers. George's legacy still remains today.
