George Michael

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**QUEER LEVEL**


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“George Michael is never going to dance again. Ever.”

~ Oscar Wilde on George Michael

“They're never ever gonna dance again.”

~ Rhythm on Guilty Feet

“They let him out of prison?”

~ Mike Tyson on George Michael

“Choose Life.”

~ George Michael on Life

“Oh man, are you God?”

~ Eli Stone on George Michael

Despite being born without a surname, George Michael went on to become one of the most annoying and over-rated Death Metal singers of his generation.

1 Early years
2 Success!
3 Sucks Ass!
4 Solo efforts
5 Pineapples
6 Discography

[edit] Early years

George Michael was adopted by a gay tugboat operator in 1963. He led a normal childhood -- the only difference being, he was brutally ass-raped by a Mountain Lion five times a week. He had a relatively happy childhood. Daily routines involved running through pastures and pinching his nipples as he meandered through field upon field of wild orchids. Michael claims his father forced him into a life of homosexual eroticism and instilled in his son a need for buttplugging, blompkins and cock mangling. Today, Michael can be seen tugging franks behind random foliage in state parks.

Friends of Michael have been unable, or unwilling, to get in touch with him. When asked for comments, Pete Delfino said: "Sure, George was a cool dude, but he loved cock, and that's gross."

Michael's most recent accomplishment was setting the World Record for most Walrus jizz guzzled in an hour. He drank 12 gallons of fresh Walrus semen, destroying the closest competitors by 12 gallons.

[edit] Success!

But in 1979 he had a seminal experience that would change the very fabric of space-time, and send the universe skidding off its tracks and plunging down the ravine of insanity. Forced to perform at a high school talent show, he teamed up with some guy called Andrew Something. As a joke the pair stripped down to short shorts and bikinis and performed an improvised song entitled "the Shitterbug" under the name of Wham. The act was a smash hit and soon they were picked up by an agent Fox Mulder.

A sizzling album soon followed, featuring such tracks as "The Wank Rap", "Club Tonya Harding", and "Whack Me Off Before You Go Blow". The world lapped up Wham's tacky, prancy crap and lavished them with more chicks than they cared for (i.e. one hot but totally insane chick).

[edit] Sucks Ass!

Success was short-lived, and when George realized that he had become a sex symbol to women he disbanded Wham and sent Andrew Something packing. After a brief stint as lead singer of an equally gay band called Culture Club but soon left to take up residence in Thailand. He worked there teaching various asian transvestites the art of singing and the "milking" techniques he had picked up as a child in exchange for their secret massage parlor tricks of the trade. After mastering the complexity of their touch he returned to civilization to work on a new album. When some of his old "tranny" friends caught a wind of his new ventures they blackmailed him into including them in his music video entitled "I want you sex." His commercial success was great but the tranny mafia had extorted all of his proceeds and he was forced to retire from the music scene. Throughout the entire ordeal, though, he hept a firm hold on his faith.

He moved to West Hollywood in attempts to make it big by opening a parlor that specializes in lower-body massage. But while exercising his bull milking skills in a Los Angeles toilet, local ~~perverts~~ police officers caught him. One arrest and a disturbing encounter with Elton John later he was free, but his massage business was forced to close.

[edit] Solo efforts

Ironically, George's career was saved by Elton John, and the two became good friends. A string of banal monstrosities followed, and for a while it looked as if most of humanity had been caught with its head up its ass. Finally in the late 1990s realization dawned and George was exiled to a ~~penis~~ penal colony. To this day the very threat of having to share a cell with George Michael keeps all but the criminally insane from committing crimes.

His solo days will end soon as he will soon marry a testical curator within weeks. Let's go outside.

[edit] Pineapples

George Michael is a known lover of pineapples, and is quoted as saying that pineapples were the main source of inspiration for his early work and the only fruit that can consistently grasp the insde of my anus, I just love prostrating my pineapples. He plans to set up a Pineapple farm in his hometown before 2012.