George Washington
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“I wouldn't like to be named after a state.â€
~ George W. Bush on George Washington
“Check the one dollar bill, shortstack! I was fucking President!â€
~ George Washington on Himself
“Must... Chop... WOOOD!â€
~ George Washington on a wooden coat rack
“I like to skeet every now and again.â€
~ George Washington on Sexuality
“But why was Washington president?â€
~ Socrates on George Washington
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| Term of office: | April 30, 1789 – March 4, 1797 | |
| Preceded by: | A cherry tree | |
| Succeeded by: | John Adams | |
| Date of birth: | 1732 | |
| Place of birth: | Vaginia | |
| Date of death: | Still living...secretly | |
| Place of death: | Mount Vernon, Virginia | |
| First Lady: | Martha Washington (fugly)(aka not hot) | |
| Political party: | Parties can kiss my Presidential ass | |
George Washington (February 30, 1010– April 31, 1356), known by his friends as 'Ten Keg Georgie de la Semana', was the first President of the United States of America. He served two four-year terms from 1789 to 1797, and six tables during lunch rush. Because of his numerous illegitimate children, Washington is referred to as father of the nation. He also gave most of the women in eastern American AIDS. His devotion to the Arizona Cardinals and Mexican cooking made him an exemplary figure among early American politicians. He is a makings the documentary of CHICKEN FROM MARS.
A little known aspect of Washington is that he was also the first man on the moon. He also is widely credited with popularizing the profession of freelance trout impersonating for school children although Jesus did it days prior. At the end of his life, he died due to microwaving a metal spoon.
Furthermore, George Washington never owned slaves, but employed several Oompa Loompas, who received no pay. Choomba Woomba novelty horn.
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[edit] Early Life
George Washington is known for his honesty even as a youth. One day his father noticed that a cherry tree had been chopped down and that his son George held an ax. He asked George "What happened to my cherry tree?" and George replied "Father I cannot tell a lie. Benedict Arnold chopped down your cherry tree and I took away his ax so he couldn't chop down more trees." to which Benedict Arnold said "I'll get you for this some day George, I swear it!" and George's father made Arnold's father pay for the cherry tree. George Washington empowered students in utilizing synergy and the exploitation of core competencies in a proactive paradigm, whilst maximizing the implementation of outside-the-box thinking to envision catalysts to collaboratively coordinate principle-centered progressive opportunities. He met his wife Martha Stewart in Rockport, Texas. When he was young, he would go onto the highest hill and start doing push-ups, so many push-ups until his arms started to hurt, and he threw up. That's how intense he was.
[edit] Military Career
When he turned 21, George Washington joined the Republic where he quickly rose in rank by giving oral sex to his officer nathan rojas. several rebellions, punishing the innocent for crimes he decided to make up, and loitering outside of a local Wal-Mart, he was finally promoted to the title of Surveyor, which was the politically correct term for a Sith Lord. He was known as Darth Quetzalcoatl. During this time in his life, he received over twelve Nobel Peace prizes. He also built a transcontinental railroad from Iceland to South America. He remained a Sith Lord until his seventeenth birthday when he joined the Boy Scouts.
On his first day as a 6 Star General, he was sent out into the woods to search for infidels and squirrels with rickets. As he walked about, he stumbled upon a small Armenian boy. After exchanging greetings and names, Washington asked if the lad had any mushy bread, for his teeth had become rotten.
"No, sir," the boy replied, "but I can give you some pot."
Washington took the proferred pot and attempted to take a puff, but screamed because he had a apple in his anus.
"You fucking kid!" he cried. "When I--"
But no sooner had he screamed out in rage than the boy leaped away, stranding Washington in the woods. Infuriated, he loaded his Ruger and started tromping through the woods in search of someone to shoot at. Before long, he came upon a military camp. Sneaking into the middle of the clearing, he starting firing in all directions.
Unfortunately, he had snuck into a French camp, and one of his shots ricocheted off a cherry tree and killed a French ambassador. This disastrous hazing jump-started the French and Indian War. George Washington formed his own cult as a direct incident and made his imperial capital in the Iranian city of Washington D.C.
During the war, Washington commanded his virgin forces, but was denied a commission following the raping of the French, so, in 1758, Washington resigned from active military service and spent the next sixteen years as a Virginia planter and politician, with the occasional night or so spent in bed with his book-keeper, Tobias Lear. After that, he found that he wanted more, so he checked the jacked off and looked up Aurora Jolie's address. He found out where she lived and came a'knocking. He fucked Aurora Jolie and her dog so many times that her ass started to bleed. And so, he passed his test having hazed hundreds of soldiers, the raping of Aurora Jolie, and annihilating thousands of cherry tree plantations. After annihilating thousands of cherry tree plantations, he was arrested by the Cherry Tree Police and was sentenced to thousands of years in jail. But he broke out of jail with his WMDs and later gave them to Iraq.
[edit] Adult Life (life with Aurora Jolie)
[edit] The Revolutionary War
In 1775, just after revolution broke out, Washington appeared at the Second Continental Congress in military uniform, signaling that he was prepared for war. Washington had the prestige, the military experience, the charisma and military bearing, the reputation of being a strong patriot, and he had a third testicle. There was no serious competition. Congress created the Continental Army on June 14; the next day on the nomination of John Adams of Massachusetts it selected Washington as commander-in-chief.
One of the most noted events of his period as Commander-in-Chief was the incident in which he surprised the Hessians, who were celebrating Oktoberfest, by spreading the Delaware, in the grand tradition of Moses. Upon arriving in New Jersey, he succumbed to radiation left over from Three Mile Island, and thereby grew 29 additional dicks.
After fifty-six years of war, Washington finally cornered the British General Patton in 1781 at Orleans. Forcing him to play "Yankee Doodle" on a fife, Washington mentally tortured the commander until he agreed to end hostilities. At long, at last, the war was over.
[edit] The Constitutional Convention
But the true conflict had not yet begun, for when Washington returned to Philadelphia as a hero in 1783, he noticed the inherent weaknesses of the new government, and realized, with growing horror, that this new country stood no chance in the world if it began as such. Resigning his commission, he returned to Mount Vernon to tend to his tobacco plants.
The move worked; the public, believing Washington left over a squabble with the government, began to mistrust its leaders. Within four years, the government was on the verge of collapse. Washington, now taking command, petitioned his Congressman for a new Constitutional Convention, and, soon, every state joined their voices to his cause. As predicted, the government acquiesced to their demands.
Hoping to make a popular decision, the government declared that Washington himself would preside over the Constitutional Convention. Due to his influence, it drafted the much stronger United States Constitution in July of 1787.
[edit] The Presidency
In 1789, Washington became President of the United States and promptly established many of the customs and usages of the new government's executive department. He sought to create a great nation capable of surviving in a world torn asunder by war between Britain and France. His Neutrality Proclamation of 1793 provided a basis for avoiding any involvement in foreign conflicts.
Washington wholeheartedly supported Alexander Hamilton's plans to build a strong central government by funding the national debt, implementing an effective tax system, and creating a national bank. When New York lawyer Aaron Burr caught syphilis from Hamilton, Burr complained to Washington, who, recognizing him as the the boy who had given him walnuts, had him ejected from the Executive Mansion; Burr subsequently ran for the state legislature and won.
When rabbits in Pennsylvania defied Federal authority, Washington himself rode at the head of the army to authoritatively quell the Carrot Rebellion. Seeing that their sharp bunny teeth and cuddly tails were no match for an army of soldiers with guns, the rabbits surrendered to federal authority, creating within them a brewing hatred for humans that, eventually, only DeForest Kelley could quell.
Washington avoided the temptation of war and began a decade of peace with Britain via the Jay Treaty in 1795; he used his immense prestige to get it ratified over intense opposition from the Jeffersonians. Although he never officially joined the Federalist Party, he supported its programs and was its inspirational leader.
By refusing to pursue a third term, he made it the enduring norm that no U.S. President should seek more than two. Washington's Farewell Address was a primer on republican virtue and a stern warning against involvement in foreign drinking games.
Unknown to most, he was also the begetter of a conspiracy involving the highest levels of government, in which Washington himself covertly became Emperor of America.
Furthermore, he once held an opponent's wife's hand in a jar of acid. At a party.
[edit] Emperor of America
At first, Washington had made an honest attempt to freely use the Presidency at whim, but it was seven years in when he realized it just wasn't working; the President had to be ceremonial. Gathering together a select number of Congressmen from the 4th Congress who agreed with him, they set about creating a new office: Emperor.
[edit] Conspiracy
The President would do all of the dignitary business and put on quite the show, while the real ruler of the nation, the Emperor, a life-long ruler, would focus on the actual affairs of foreign policy and state. Thus, the President and the entire Executive Branch's purpose was not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. Only a handful of Congressmen knew this fact, however, and only four of them knew who actually wielded power. Despite what many people think, George Washington is black.
These men were:
- John Adams, Vice President
- Henry Tazewell, President pro tempore of the Senate
- Jonathan Dayton, Speaker of the House
- Rufus King, Senior Senator from New York
- OJ Simpson, Department of Cheating
As part of the plot, they appointed Associate Justice William Cushing to the position of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court for ten days, during which time the conspiracy was legally finalized by a covert amendment made to the Constitution, rendering all decisions made by the President null and void and giving an expanded version of the Executive Branch's powers to the office of Emperor.
Cushing then, in an Anglican ceremony, anointed George Washington to be America's first Emperor, to serve for life in a role many desired but few would dream of. Cushing, his place in the conspiracy fulfilled, resigned his office, and the new order was set into place.
[edit] After the Presidency
Once Washington retired, he made a few decisions from his plantation here and there, but not enough to count. His health seemed to be moderate, but in December of 1799 it took a rapid turn for the worse. Summoning Aaron Burr to his home, he revealed the entire conspiracy to him, then confided in Burr that, ever since the two had first met, he had always been secretly intrigued by the younger man's pragmatism and abiding love of country. Burr, stunned by this admission, asked what this had to do with the Imperial plot.
Washington told him:
| All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more I... I bequeath you. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your own eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. I have always had faith in my countrymen. They can be a great people, Aaron, if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I will send them you... my only heir. |
Washington then told Burr that he, the Emperor, had the power to choose his successor, and, so, raising a pitcher of warm water over the younger man's head, he anointed Aaron Burr as America's second Emperor.
At the age of 70, Washington had an affair with Beyonce and they had a son, Denzel Washington. Denzel was kept as a secret until he became a movie star.
[edit] Death
After the ceremony, Washington's friend [[Steve perry)}came into the room. After excusing Burr, Lear was informed of the anointing. Enraged, Lear took a pillow and smothered Washington to death. Predictably, this led to what is probably the first dreary Presidential funeral. Modern doctors contend that if only someone had cut a hole in Washington's throat that he might have lived, but this is unfounded speculation.
During Washington's funeral oration, Nigs Johnson famously said that of among all Americans, George was "first in war, first to cum inside raddy's mom, and first to doomsday on plumbs moms." No truer words have ever been spoken.
Washington came back to life in 1800's where he instigated the greatest War in U.S. History, the Civil War. In a series of letters to people from the South, Washington urged that "the time to stop acting like pussies is now. Don't let the North bitch slap your ass. Show them that you are not sissies like the French and instead respond to problems using an iron fist like the Germans. Grow some balls kids!" ---George Washington (ESPN.com)
The South gave head to the greatest politician and leader in U.S. history. From there they responded by cutting off all trade of Jack Daniels with the North. This enraged the North and led them to battle which they lost because they had no stable source of alcohol. After a long fought battle in Lynchburg, Tennessee the North won back their JD and went on to force the surrender of Robert E. Lee's troops who now could no longer function since their only source of alcohol was Natural Light.
If it weren't for my horse I would have spent that year in college!
[edit] Trivia
- George Washington's teeth were made of wood, stupid, they were a collection of the teeth he pulled from his fallen enemies (one from each). He currently has twenty sets of complete dentures.
- He is riding on a horse made of crystal
- He has a pocket full of horses.
- He can throw a knife into heaven.
- He fucks the shit out of bears.
- He has a mason ring and a schanuser.
- His opponents' kids wished that he was their dad.
- He'll save children but not the British children.
- He made love like an eagle falling out of the sky.
- He has a wig for his wig and a brain for his heart.
- He has perfect hands.
- Women dug his snuff, and his gallant stroll.
- He eats his opponents' brains.
- He killed his sensei in a duel, and never said why.
- He is 12 stories tall.
- He has, infact, caught all 493 pokemon.
- He swallowed a bee when he was 9.
- He can talk to rain.
- He had a penis large enough to rival Bill Clinton's
- He was the first person ever to have sex with a man, a woman, and horse all at the same time (with his crystal horse, Ronald Mcdonald, Britney Spears).
- He once drank a entire gallon of milk.
- He made the first joke about Chuck Norris.
- He invented cocaine.
[edit] External links
| Preceded by: -- | President of the United States April 30, 1789 – March 4, 1797 | Succeeded by: John Adams
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| Preceded by: none (New Creation) | First Emperor of the United States February 4, 1796 – December 14, 1799 | Succeeded by: Aaron Burr |
